The Mayhem is Commin
Main Eventer
W/L/U (since return) 0/0/0
Joined on: Mar 19, 2007 17:40:39 GMT -5
Posts: 1,225
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Post by The Mayhem is Commin on Jan 6, 2008 18:27:04 GMT -5
When a man can stand up to his brother and say he was a jerk and apologize he has becom a new man APOLOGY Malcolm is seen sitting in Kay’s driveway in Phoenix. He is thinking about what he has done. Malcolm- Man how could do this, just totally tell my brother off, and not care about our relationship anymore. Well hopefully we work something’s out this week.Kay pulls into his driveway and hops out of his truck and walks over to Malcolm and helps him stand up. Malcolm-Where were you? Kay-Talking to Ashley about the baby Malcolm-So how did that go? Kay-Well were not sure what to do yet. Malcolm-It’s a hard decision man trust me. Kay-Yeah I know, and thanks for the house again. If you need help moving in after the house show just let me know. Malcolm-Alright I will. But hey we gotta talk. Kay-About what? Malcolm-Well lets head inside first off , don’t wanna make a scene Malcolm and Kay head inside and close up the door behind them and sit themselves down on the silver leather couch. They look at each other and Malcolm begins to speak. Malcolm-Man I’m sorry I’ve been the biggest bunghole lately. Kay-No you haven’t Malcolm-Yeah I have and I’m sorry for not asking your opinion of the name change or anything lately. My mind has been focused on so many things lately I cant even begin. Kay-Then try Malcolm-Well my dad died a month ago, found out I’ve had a sister for over twenty-five years, I’ve got two kids coming in March, and I’ve got a huge match that has a huge opportunity come Superbrawl. Kay-Man I’ve got respect for you bro, you got a million things on your shoulders. And yet you can still keep it all tighter on the outside and be able to apologize to your brother. Malcolm-Well what can I say. If it wasn’t for you I might have never had the courage to join WFWF Kay-Yeah but you could have quit once I was better, but you didn’t. and you helped me to start out as well. Malcolm-Well win or lose at the next show we’ll still be brothers and come Superbrawl I may leave or I may stay. Kay-Hey stay positive about that. You and Trace are the top two stars on the house show, and you two have been there for long time. You both deserve it. Malcolm-Thanks man They hear a key unlock the front door and in walk Kim and Ashley and look at the two guys on the couch as they stand up and greet there women. Malcolm goes over to Kim and gives her a kiss and they walk towards the kitchen. As Kay reaches Kim they hug, and afterwards step outside for a second. Kay and Ashley step out side and look deeply into each other eyes they look as tough they both want to say something but neither of them opens there mouth. They just continue to stare away as Jay and Kim began to make some steaks for dinner. Twenty minutes later Kay and Ashley are still outside just standing there as Kay decides to step up. Kay-Well I’ll start. I want a kid and I hate the idea of abortion. Ashley-Well than I guess we’ve decided. Kay-Wait what? Ashley-I want it too. Kay and Ashley hug and kiss and head back inside to see how dinner is coming. END |
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Post by Wez on Jan 6, 2008 18:40:24 GMT -5
Not bad, kinda short and a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes (becom-become, something's-some things).
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The Mayhem is Commin
Main Eventer
W/L/U (since return) 0/0/0
Joined on: Mar 19, 2007 17:40:39 GMT -5
Posts: 1,225
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Post by The Mayhem is Commin on Jan 6, 2008 18:51:04 GMT -5
thanks for the comment well i need a lift between these two so i made it shorter than usual so yeah
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Post by matthardy on Jan 6, 2008 20:56:25 GMT -5
Yes, it is short. I under stand why that is though. This is an overall good rp. I really like this, because it has good dialouge, it doesn't sound forced, a long with the fact that it has almost enough description, just a little more would do it. In the beginning, it kinda dropped the whole rp for me, when you typed become wrong. Must have just been a minor typo? But some times the beginning gives the whole impression for people, so you have to spell check! And in the actual first sentence, he says,"Man how could do this,..." I suppose it's supposed to say,"Man how could you do this,..." right? It did jump from subject to subject a little bit, in the talking. Again, errors in abbreviation! Say, if some one says something like," Oh Um Ok." Instead of having it written that way, to build more suspense, it should say,"Oh... Um... Ok." Do you get what I'm saying?
Well that pretty much sums it up. It was an O.K rp. Good job. Keep it up, you can improve quickly.
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Calvin
Main Eventer
visit my myspace and listen to my music
Joined on: Dec 18, 2001 15:13:21 GMT -5
Posts: 3,791
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Post by Calvin on Jan 6, 2008 22:24:09 GMT -5
you made your reply sound so professional. haha, but I get what you are saying. But I disagree with the whole first impression thing. A small grammar error wouldn't make me think the rp sucked. It's whether ti draws me into the idea or not that counts most.
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Thunder
Main Eventer
WF 10 Year Member
WFWF Record: 59-60-1
Joined on: Aug 6, 2003 9:44:07 GMT -5
Posts: 2,941
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Post by Thunder on Jan 6, 2008 22:37:09 GMT -5
you made your reply sound so professional. haha, but I get what you are saying. But I disagree with the whole first impression thing. A small grammar error wouldn't make me think the rp sucked. It's whether ti draws me into the idea or not that counts most. Calvin's exactly right. I like RPs to have good grammar and spelling, but there's a whole hell of a lot more to look for than how he spelled words when critiquing an RP. This RP certainly didn't "draw me" or interest me in the least, to be blunt. Your description is written blandly in some parts and just horrible in others and the dialogue is extremely generic and bland. The thing is though, you're one of those guys that just isn't making progess. Every week it's the same problems you've been told before. |
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The Mayhem is Commin
Main Eventer
W/L/U (since return) 0/0/0
Joined on: Mar 19, 2007 17:40:39 GMT -5
Posts: 1,225
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Post by The Mayhem is Commin on Jan 7, 2008 14:53:24 GMT -5
thanks for the commonets guys i will continue to try to improve
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Post by Wez on Jan 7, 2008 14:55:59 GMT -5
you made your reply sound so professional. haha, but I get what you are saying. But I disagree with the whole first impression thing. A small grammar error wouldn't make me think the rp sucked. It's whether ti draws me into the idea or not that counts most. was that spelling mistake of it deliberate? lol |
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