Celebrity Fight Club Results: October 31st

And we have returned to continue your fear on this frightful night.


Samael Ahriman: Now we have Hunter S Thompson versus Gene Hunt.


Alecia Matthews: Are we supposed to know who those are?


Samael Ahriman: Uhh...I vaguely know Hunter. He is trippy as sh*t. Hunt on the other hand...uhh...I guess he is popular in the UK? I doubt they even care about him though.


Alecia Matthews: Well, both contestants are in the ring, so I guess we should get this match started?


Samael Ahriman: I would rather be put to sleep at the end of the show, but you know, whatever.


I was somewhere within the city limits of Cleveland. I had no clue how I got here. I was stumbling in the ring after what felt like blow after blow to by head. Blood was flowing like Niagara Falls out of my nose and I was dazed. I was trying to figure out if it was the quaaludes telling me to knock it off or the fine gentlemen screaming at me in the most horrid cockney accent. I had accepted this fate. I choose this. I should have brought my gun but all I had with me was a deck of card and my fancy Indians ball cap. Surrounded me were little birdies or maybe they were bats. I had to show them away somehow. I kept slapping my way out of the flock of flying-rabid pigeons. I could hear noises around me, almost as if ocean waves were talking to me or maybe it was the wind blowing.


Slap after slap, I was fighting my way out of this hell. Out from nowhere was this lizard man in stripes. He was yelling at me in his native tongue. I couldnt quite figure out what was happening. He grabbed me with his scaly hand and raised my bloody fist into the air. I was not quite sure what was happening.


Samael Ahriman: ...what a...win...for Thompson? I think?


Alecia Matthews: What in the sh*t did we just see?


Samael Ahriman: I feel like it was a combination of what would happen if we combined a tequilla worm and a not so good mushroom.


Alecia Matthews: So...trippy?


Samael Ahriman: Good explaination. Kind of worries me though...not sure how our heads can recover from this...


Alecia Matthews: Fair point.


Samael Ahriman: Well...we can try with a match that SHOULD be a little less trippy. But unfortunately...something of the sort will be involved.


Alecia Matthews: Oh come on now, Sam. It is not nice to make fun of the President of the United States boring speech skills.


Samael Ahriman: Hardy har har.


Alecia Matthews: Oh, you meant Rodriguez tripping balls to get home runs?


Samael Ahriman: Not as badass as Daryll Strawberry or Dock Ellis, but still has put just as much gunk into his body.


Alecia Matthews: Should be interesting?


Samael Ahriman: Maybe.


We have Alex Rodriguez taking swings in an on deck circle just outside the ring. Suddenly, a loud boisterous voice begins speaking over the PA system, at which point he steps into the ring.


Announcer: Now batting, number 13, Alex Rodriguez!


Samael Ahriman: We better not have stupid introductions for Obama too.


Alecia Matthews: Oh, I think there will be.


Paul Irving, the House Sergeant of Arms, appears on the ramp with microphone in hand.


Paul Irving: The president of the United States!


"Hail to the Chief" plays as Barack Obama makes his way to the ring, waving to the crowd along the way. All the while, a podium has been set up in one corner of the ring. Instead of fighting when the bell rings, Obama steps up to the microphone. Rodriguez, in turn, requests a microphone from ringside and gets one.


Barack Obama: I would just like to say to all the folks here this evening before we begin that--


Alex Rodriguez: I'm gonna cut you off right there. I don't really give a damn what you have to say, but you are going to listen to me. It's time to introduce a very special guest that will be in my corner.


All of the lights, with the exception of one spotlight, go out in the building. Ever so slowly, a group of Druids bring what appears to be a casket down to the ring.


Samael Ahriman: The hell is this?


Alecia Matthews: It's a little creepy, to be honest.


The Druids place the item against the ring apron and walk away. When the lights come up, it becomes apparent that it is not a casket-- it's a tanning bed. Speaker of the House John Boehner pops out, looking more orange than ever. He hops up on the apron and gets face to face with the commander in chief.


Boehner breaks the staredown by slapping Obama hard in the face. Obama responds with a right hand. He rears back to continue the attack, but lets up when he sees that Boehner has erupted into a crying fit. As tears continue to stream down his face, Boehner runs off.


Still distracted by all of this, Rodriguez is able to take advantage if Obama. He hits him with a shot to the back and throws him into the podium, which breaks upon impact.


Alecia Matthews: A-Rod showing off what I'm sure is one hundred percent natural strength.


With the chance to inflict further damage, Rodriguez backs up, ready to make a charging attack and the POTUS. He begins to run from the opposite corner, but suddenly collapses in pain in the ring, clutching his leg.


Samael Ahriman: Well, that shouldn't come as a surprise. We'll see if Obama is able to capitalize now.


Obama reaches his feet and sees that the bat is still in the ring. He picks it up and appeals to the crowd to see if they want him to use it as a weapon. It gets a pretty positive response, which says less about Obama and more about how everyone hates the Yankees.


He's ready to strike when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid rushes down to the ring, microphone in hand.


Harry Reid: I really don't want to do this, but you have to stop. We've been trying to work on in the senate whether or not you're legally able to take part in this kind of physical activity and combat. Unfortunately, we've been filibustered so you have to stop.


Obama stares at him in disbelief. This interaction doesn't last long, as Boehner is back at ringside. He sprays spray tan in the eyes of Reid and the two brawl to the back.


While this is going on, Rodriguez has reached into his pocket and pulled out a syringe, which he injects himself with.


Alecia Matthews: He's got the steroids! He's unbeatable now!


Rodriguez leaps to his feet and begin shaking the ropes. He then points to Obama and wags his finger at him. Obama charges at him with the bat. Rodriguez rips it right out of his hands and hits him in the midsection with the bat. The bat shatters and flies into the crowd. With Obama knocked out, Rodriguez makes the cover.


. . . 1 . . .


. . . 2 . . .


. . . 3 . . .


Rodriguez leaps to his feet in celebration of his victory, tearing another muscle in the process.


Samael Ahriman: Wow...no home runs? Boo.


Alecia Matthews: What were you expecting?


Samael Ahriman: Something else...something funnier?


Alecia Matthews: But he like...tore his quad. And we saw Boehner...which is stupid as sh*t as it is.


Samael Ahriman: Yeah...I guess...


Commercial break.

And we are back. Main event time.

In the ring, Ash and Goku are preparing for what should be the biggest, greatest and most unrealistic main event in the history of…everything. But, in true WFWF fashion, the two competitors are ready for battle.

On one side of the ring, Ash is fixing and adjusting his glove, about ready to go. But, before he steps to the center of the ring, he take his hat and turns it around.


Samael Ahriman: Holy sh*t.


Alecia Matthews: What?


Samael Ahriman: When Ash turns his hat backwards, you know sh*t just got real really quick.


Ash looks down, away from his opponent, reaching behind his back and pulling out a red and white ball. He presses the center and the Poke Ball expands in his hands. Ash smiles, looking up, a look of sheer determination in his eyes.


On the other side of the ring, we have Goku, donning his orange battle outfit. He plays with the tape on his wrist, twisting it back and forth to ensure its strength. Goku looks up at Ash, the same look of determination on his face.


Samael Ahriman: Kakarot is ready for what he knows will be a huge fight.


Alecia Matthews: Kakarot? Who the hell is Kakarot?


Samael Ahriman: That would be Gokus Saiyan name.


Alecia Matthews: Saiyan?


Samael Ahriman: Just…kill me. Please. Just…I do not want to live on this planet anymore.


We now have, in the ring, what may be the most intense staredown in the history of ever. Ash and Goku are just staring at each other.


…and staring.


…and staring…


…still staring…


For whatever reason, still staring…


...and the staring continues…


Alecia Matthews: DO SOMETHING YOU TWATS.


Samael Ahriman: You shut your damn dirty whore mouth. These two are engaged in the greatest staredown in the history of life. Be thankful this match only has a 7 hour time limit.


Alecia Matthews: SEVEN HOURS? WHAT?


Samael Ahriman: Well, you have to account for the endless amounts of staring, talking, walking, building up, failing, losing, fainting, crying, dying and total nonsensical imaginary ridiculousness that is going to occur in this match.


Alecia Matthews: Dear God just kill me.


Back in the ring and…HEY. LOOK.


…more staring.


…made you look.


Ash breaks the staring, cocking his arm back, swinging his leg up and throwing his Poke Ball, and from within the device is a flash of light, and then a giant, red, fire breathing dragon appears in the center of the ring.


Alecia Matthews: WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING .


Samael Ahriman: What? It is just a Charizard.


Alecia Matthews: WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING IS A CHARIZARD.


Samael Ahriman: A Pokemon.


Alecia Matthews: THOSE THINGS ARE NOT REAL. WHAT. THE. HELL.


Samael Ahriman: We just had two video game characters…one of which was 8-bit might I add, a cannibal, a time traveling doctor and a dead author on the show throughout the night and yet you are still questioning the reality and common sense of this Halloween special? Goodness you are daft.


Ash Ketchum: CHARIZARD. SEISMIC TOSS.


Almost as if on cue (because he was), Charizard takes off from the ring and grabs ahold of Goku, flying up into the sky.

Oh. Yeah. The roof is gone. Do not ask me how…just…play along.

In the sky, Charizard starts spinning around in circles with Goku held tightly in his arms. Then, in a fit of rage and strength, Charizard grabs ahold of Gokus arm and hurls him back down to earth at a FTL type speed (to all of you Trekkies that got this reference.) Our Hero crashing into the ring with tremendous force…so much so that the ring just implodes, a giant beam of light shooting off from where the ring once was. Here is an accurate representation of what just transpired, except a Charizard to a Magmar.





…killer, aye? And for those of you too lazy to watch the video, I present to you…a picture of a baby kitty cat.





YOU FOOLS. YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET REWARDED WITH A PICTURE OF A KITTY FOR BEING LAZY? NEVER! Instead, you get a picture of an adorable pug in a sombrero. That is still too much awesomesauceness for you, but you know…everyone deserves to see a pug in a sombrero.


Oh, yeah. The match. Whoops.


Where the ring once was, there is nothing but dust. And once it settles, there is something in the shadow…it is GOKU. HE IS STANDING ON HIS FEET…seemingly unharmed.


Alecia Matthews: How on earth did that happen?


Samael Ahriman: Goku is a Saiyan. He is essentially invincible.


Alecia Matthews: …but…dead…he should be dead…


Samael Ahriman: Just shut up and watch.


Ash tits his head, looking at Goku just standing there, essentially unharmed.


Ash Ketchum: I see you were unaffected by my fighting type maneuver. You must be a Ghost type! CHARIZARD! SHADOW CLAW.


All of a sudden, Charizards hand claw thing turns black. He cocks back and delivers a blow to the gut of Goku, sending him flying into the other end of the arena, the fans standing around him and cheering him on.


Samael Ahriman: Shadow Claw. It is super effective.


Alecia Matthews: …so he survives being thrown down to earth at upwards of 1000 MPH and yet a punch to the stomach kills him? Whaaaaaat?


Samael Ahriman: Type advantage, Matthews. Besides, I doubt he is dead. Charizard is a Fire and Flying type. Not ghost. He had no STAB in his move.


#nerdreference.


Alecia Matthews: Do I even want to know?


Samael Ahriman: Probably not.


Charizard stands center stage, roaring monsterously, fire coming from his mouth, celebrating what he believes is a victory. All of a sudden, a distinct buzzing is heard by all in the arena. They look everywhere trying to find where it is coming from, and then they see a flash of orange come in out of nowhere and blast Charizard in the stomach, sending the monster flying into the stage, crashing into the tron and kind of out of it. The orange flash stops behind Ash, who is now standing there, eyes wide open. He turns around, and a short, bald man is standing behind him. The fans are losing it again, chanting the mans name.


Samael Ahriman: Krillin! WOO!


Alecia Matthews: A midget is getting you all excited…why…?


Samael Ahriman: Not a midget. Krillin. Difference.


Alecia Matthews: What is a Krillin?


Samael Ahriman: Gokus right hand man. Guy is a notoriously gritty fighter…but he kind of has a problem with dying.


Alecia Matthews: …he kills people…?


Samael Ahriman: Give it a minute…surprised he has lasted this long without it.


Ash grabs Pikachu from his shoulder and chucks the electric rat at Krillin.


Ash Ketchum: Pikachu! Thunderbolt!


Pikachu starts his descent towards Krillin and zaps he midget with a bright shot of light. When it dissipates, Krillin lay on the ground, motionless. Dead.


Samael Ahriman: There we go. The world makes sense again.


Alecia Matthews: Really? Someone just died and you say that?


Samael Ahriman: Yep. Krillin is the epitome of an expendable character. He dies, everyone feels bad. Goku gets pissed. You know, the feels.


And almost as if on cue, Goku has risen from his spot, looking down, away from Ash. His clothes, tattered and charred. A faint glow surrounds him.


Samael Ahriman: Well, see you next time. His Ki has risen. Ash is toast.


Alecia Matthews: What?


Goku lets out a bone chilling scream, raising his eyes to the sky, bringing his arms up in a fighting motion. When the screaming is complete and he looks down, back at Ash, Gokus hair color has changed from black to yellow.


Samael Ahriman: **chanting along with the fans** SUPER SAYIAN HOLY SH*T. SUPER SAYIAN HOLY SH*T.


Alecia Matthews: What the hell is going on here?


Goku begins levitating off of the ground. He points at Ash, who seems to have sh*t his pants. He flies at Ash, but there is a giant, Michael Bay type explosion that causes everyone to turn their attention to the stage.


Samael Ahriman: Well now, I see some other people wanted in on the action.


On stage, we have BILL NYE AND TREVOR PHILIPS SHOOTING ROCKETS AT GOKU. Well, Trevor is shooting them and Nye is building them at an astronomical pace and loading them for Trevor.


Samael Ahriman: HAHA. Crazy bastards.


Alecia Matthews: THEY ARE SHOOTING ROCKETS INSIDE OF A BUILDING. WHAT THE HELL?


Samael Ahriman: Hey, it is like CoD in here. I like it.


Nye and Trevor, tag teaming this bitch, have shot off about a dozen rockets at the hero of the universe. Yeah…Goku is dead. Shocker.

…but wait~! From backstage comes…


Samael Ahriman: Hunt and Thompson! They are still going at it!


This time though, weapons are involved. Hunt, enraged, is…


Samael Ahriman: HUNT IS CHUCKING SHARPENED DVD COPIED OF LIFE ON MARS AT THOMPSON! THOMPSON IS RETALIATING WITH COPIES OF FEAR AND LOATHING. ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE.


The DVDs and books are missing their targets, slicing, dicing and bludgeoning the fans instead. The fans that are not dropping like flies are jumping around, high fiving each other and screaming at the top of their lungs.


Alecia Matthews: This is absolute insanity. People are being murdered out here and everyone is chanting it on.


Samael Ahriman: Sounds like a Phillip Schneider match.


Completely randomly and for no reason, much like everything else that is happening now, the screen on the Titantron cuts to a scene of a blue haired girl, a man with a green shirt and orange pants, an anthropomorphic pig, and an adorable talking cat, the latter two of which can both transform into anything. On the screen they are seen holding six smooth orange balls with different numbers in them. Bulma, Yamcha, Oolong, and Puar are in search of the Dragon Balls!


Samael Ahriman: This some old school Dragon Ball ish. I can dig it.


Approaching the final, four star Dragon Ball, the crew picks it up, only for Yamcha to be devoured by a T-Rex who thinks that the Dragon Ball is it's egg! While the dinosaur noms on the unfortunate Yamcha, Bulma, Oolong, and Puar all make off with the last Dragon Ball, making a mad dash toward's Bulma's Capsule Corp helicopter. Reaching their destination, Bulma plots a course to the arena that this very WFWF event is taking place at!


Alecia Matthews: I don't understand why nobody isn't reporting all of these deaths to the authorities!


Samael Ahriman: Chill, Yamcha, much like Krillin, must die at least once every appearance he makes. He was due.


Back to the arena, and it appears that all participants in tonight's matches that are still living have spilled out to the ring and are going at it in a free for all! Well, except for Hannibal Lector, who has made his way out to the arena and is nom nom nomming on all of the dead fans. Barack Obama appears to be giving some sort of speech about Obamacare on a podium that he set up using books and DVDs that likely murdered people. The Grim Reaper is flying through the air and slicing peoples' heads off. And of course, Steve is off building something that will kill the sheep once and for all. Despite all of this, the fans are eating everything up.


Alecia Matthews: I think I'm going to be sick....


A sizzling noise can be heard, as Steve has built an atomic bomb. Everyone looks in Steve's direction, as he appears to be running away from the baited bomb. However, instead of sheep, the bait seems to only be attracting the Cleveland Browns fans that are in attendance. I mean, I guess it worked, Cleveland Browns fans are kind of sheep anyways. I mean, how can you root for a team that has been so bad for so long other than pure sheepish loyalty? The bomb goes off, sending chunks of meat flying everything, smattering the entire area with dabs of red. A true feast for our friend Hannibal.


Alecia Matthews: Yep, definitely going to be sick.


Samael Ahriman: Ah, relax. When has an atomic bomb ever hurt anyone?


Alecia Matthews: How about, EVERY SINGLE TIME AN ATOMIC BOMB HAS BEEN USED AGAINST PEOPLE!?!??!


As Alecia begins to projectile vomit into a bucket that had been set aside for such an occasion, a few of the people in the crowd begin to convulse. These people bring their hands to their head and their bodies begin to morph. Their heads begin to noticeably shrink as their brains begin to disappear from their cranial cavity.


Samael Ahriman: Oh no, I've seen this before. The radiation poisoning is getting to them.


The radiation poisoning begins to form nasty scars in the shape of elephants on their foreheads. The victims begin to ramble about conservative ideals as they all hold one pinky up as if they were holding at tea cup. The small crowd then focuses their attention on Barack Obama, who is still speaking, seemingly to nobody as everyone is too excited by all of the action going on around him. The group screams "SARAH PALIN" and then charges at Obama, who is completely unaware of these zombies' presence.


Samael Ahriman: It's exactly as I feared! The Tea Party!


Alecia Matthews: What are those....things....going to do to the president!?!


Samael Ahriman: I have no idea, but it should be fun to watch.


The group forms a makeshift cross out of mangled metal that has been left laying around from the melee. One of them who then seemingly has developed super human strength picks up the massive 400 plus metal cross and hauls it over his shoulder. With a flick of his wrist, the zombie tea party member hurls the cross at Obama, at a breakneck speed. The cross impales Obama's skull, and sends him flying across the room. Upon making contact with the wall, the cross sticks in, leaving the shish-kabobed president hanging from the wall like a slab of meat at a butcher shop. Well, a slab of meat at a butcher shop that just so happens to be dressed in a very nice suit.


Samael Ahriman: More snacks for Hannibal, eh?


Alecia Matthews: THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! WHO IS GOING TO RUN THE COUNTRY NOW.


Samael Ahriman: I don't know, but I hear the vice president went to a pretty kickass university.


This was the part where I was told to write something about Murphy Macmanus. But to be completely honest with you, I've never watched an episode of the Boondock Saints in my life. Oh, turns out it's a movie. I've never watched that either. So I have no idea what to write here. But what I do know is that Macmanus kind of sounds like Maractus, which is a Pokemon, which ties in with this. So here, I present you with Murphy Maractus so that Murphy Macmanus gets a mention during this period of time. I guess he also kills people using whatever method he normally would too.





#bestphotoshopskillz


While the carnage is going on, a helicopter labeled "Capsule Corp" busts through the roof. An orange glow can be seen beaming through the windows of the helicopter as it makes it's descent. After landing on a large group of spectators, Bulma, Oolong, and Puar all exit the helicopter, Dragon Balls in hand, and make their way towards the ring.


Samael Ahriman: It's about to go down.


Completely uninterrupted by everything that is going on around them, the group sets the Dragon Balls in the center of the ring.


Bulma Briefs: Oh mighty Shenron, we summon you!


DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN DUN DUN DUN DUN. Some kickass guitar music begins to play.


Alecia Matthews: What is going on?


Samael Ahriman: Remember how you sh*t your pants because of Charizard?


Alecia Matthews: ...yeah...?


Samael Ahriman: Well...it is about to get a hell of a lot cooler.


It gets dark and everyone stops what they are doing to stare at the Dragon Balls, which are now eminating a golden glow. From within, a giant green dragon, about 100x the size of Charizard appears, with a badass deep voice.


Alecia Matthews: I quit.


Shenron: YOU HAVE ONE WISH. WHAT DO YOU COMMAND?


Bulma: BRING GOKU BACK TO LIFE.


Samael Ahriman: Really? You do not want to bring back your husband? Or Krillin? Or Yamcha? But Goku? Geez. What a whore.


Almost as if on cue, Gokus lifeless body now has movement. He gets up from the rocket launches and begins flying around like nothing happened. Dragon Ball Z logic for you.


Ash Ketchum: HOLY SH*T. F*CK YOU CHARIZARD. I WANT THAT DRAGON. GO MASTERBALL.


Ash throws a Masterball at Shenron before he disappears and catches the bitch in one roll. Pokemon Master.


The fans are loving it. But as everyone is killing...everyone...no one is paying attention to the zombie man bringing forth a giant ball of light above his head. He has apparently been doing so for about a year now and no one noticed.


Goku: Spirits of Earth I call upon you for a favor...


Samael Ahriman: Game over. See ya never.


Alecia Matthews: What do you mean?


Samael Ahriman: We all goin' die.


Alecia Matthews: WHAT?


Goku: SPIRIT BOMB. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Goku unleashes the light from his hands and then...there was nothing. Everyone in the arena...dead. The world...dead. The universe...dead. Well...except for the WFWF Commentators.


Samael Ahriman: That. Was. Awesome.


Alecia Matthews: Is...is everyone dead? Except us?


Samael Ahriman: Yep. And for anyone who might have survived in their bunker...well...I guess we are just going to sign off here. I am Samael Ahriman, thank you for joining us.


We slowly zoom out into the lens of a camera. We pass through the lens and somehow find ourselves in the sitting room of a strange apartment, because this show can get any stranger. There Tommy Westphall, a young autistic boy, sits staring into a snow globe. For a brief second a replay of the action inside the WFWF ring can be seen in the snow globe as Hannibal Lecter chows down on an unfortunate fan before it vanishes, returning to its usual snow globe state as the sound of footsteps emerges. Two men, Tommy’s father Donald and his own father Daniel, enter the room from the kitchen, passing by a television where an ordinary episode of WFWF Revolution can be seen playing in the background.


Donald: I don’t understand this autism thing, Pop. Here’s my son, I talk to him, I don’t even know if he can hear me because he sits there, all day long, in his own world, staring at that toy with wrestling and horror movies playing on that dang TV all day. What’s he thinking about?


It’s at this point that Tommy shakes the snow globe, the young boy smiling as he stares into it for a brief moment.


Donald: Come on son, come wash your hands for dinner.


Without a word Tommy places the snow globe down, stands and rushes out after his father and grandson into the kitchen. We settle on the snow globe as the fake snow clears to reveal none other than Trace Demon staring out at us with blood dripping down his face. He smirks that signature smirk…


Trace Demon: Happy Halloween.


And then he screams as we smash to black and the credits roll, the horrors of the night etched in our minds for some time to come.


Fade to black.