Revolution: Never Smile At A Crocodile

Posted At 13:04 by Anonymous:
A week ago, I tried to kill myself.

It goes back to a few years ago when I alienated my best friend and the only woman I've ever loved, I made a catalogue of stupid mistakes and I pushed them away. They gave me second chance after second chance, and I ed it up time and time again. Eventually they got sick of me, they were sick of listening to me lie to them time and time again. They were sick of the excuses.

So they cut me off and since then I've been alone. I haven't been able to move on because, I just couldn't cope with the way that it ended. I couldn't cope with the fact that I'll never be able to see them again. That I'll never be able to say sorry and actually mean it. I couldn't cope with the fact that they're always going to be in the back of my head, that all of those mistakes are going to be eating away at me for the rest of my life.

I came to the conclusion that the only way to stop my suffering, to end my pain, was to take my own life. And had it not been for a girl who managed to talk me out of it, I'd be dead right now.

So here's my problem. Nothing has changed. And honestly, I don't think anything is ever going to change. I can't see me turning my life around. I honestly don't know whether I'd just be better off trying again, without letting anyone talk me down. I still feel exactly how I did last week, I still feel like death is my only escape. My only salvation.

I guess I'm posting this for one of two reasons. Either because someone on here has a magic wand and can fix everything for me. They can get me back to where I was three years ago in a matter of seconds. Or I'm writing this as my note, to explain what was going through my head in the last moments of my life. You know, I kind of think it's the latter to be honest. I don't want to over-complicate this because it's quite simple, if I've done it, and this has been found by someone who has worked out who I am. I want you and all the people who'll ask to know why I did it.

It was because I was ing miserable.

---

“And still the WFWF National Champion... Joe Bishop!”

I've heard that more times than I care to remember. I've held this belt more times than any competitor in this companies illustrious history, and I've held it for longer than any other professional wrestler has.

There have been times when I've craved this belt, times when I've loved it and times when, frankly, I've wanted to be rid of it. But somehow, this belt always finds it's way back here. With me.

It's not enough for me. There's no way I can get any satisfaction from being the National Championship. In fact now I wouldn't be winning it from Trace Demon, I'm not sure being the International Champion would be good enough either.

I want to be the WFWF World Champion.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Funny isn't it?

Don't worry, I'm not deluded enough to think that I'm good enough to do it.

I think the fact that I'm not good enough to do what I need to do has been hammered in pretty well now. I think Scars & Stripes pretty much proved that to the whole world.

Once again, when it mattered, I choked. I blew it. Like I always blow it. Like I blow every chance that I really, really want.

I let a man that I'd ripped to bits earlier in the night, take away any chance I had of ever becoming the World Champion. It'd be funny if it wasn't so depressing.

Now I'm back to where I always end up. National Champion, but with no genuine hope of doing anything more, no hope of going any further.

There's only so many times I can say that I'm going to go further than that.

Because you know...

Eventually people get sick of the lies. They get sick of the excuses.

I'm where I am, because it's all I am. It's all I'm ever going to be. The National Champion, but never anything more than that. Maybe I can be, 'the next big thing' for a couple of years. Then I'll be in 'last chance' territory. And then I'll become the guy, who should have been huge, but just never was for one reason or another. I'll be The Possessed Child. I'll be Shawn Malakai. I'll be Yukio Blaze. I don't want to be The Possessed Child, I don't want to be Shawn Malakai. I don't want to be Yukio Blaze. I don't want to be a nearly man.

But I am.

And I've got to come to terms with that. I've got to decide whether I'd rather be a nearly man, or a man who burnt out while they were still 'the next big thing'.

To put it simply, I've got to decide whether I can ever be truly happy, as a nearly man.

I've got to decide whether I can live with being the guy who never made the most of his potential. The guy who choked whenever he came close to making it big.

And you know it's not an easy decision. It's made even worse because I've got no one to help me make it.

I can see the pros and cons of both sides.

I mean, as the nearly man, you can get people to love you. Look at Yukio Blaze, the fans love him, they love 'The Random Hero', but he doesn't strike fear into your heart in the way that a Reverend Shadow, a Philip Schneider, an Alex Sean can. They can never really claim to be more than a loveable loser. Or in Yukio's case, and maybe Shawn Malakai's in a month or so, a guy who got to the top of mountain, for a brief period, when the competition was non-existent. But who really, deep down, everyone knows is a man that could have been but never truly was.

It can go the other way though. You can be a Possessed Child, a man who had all the tools to be one of the greats. Who looked in his early days like he was going to be the next Reverend Shadow. But you can slip away into obscurity. You can be the forgotten nearly man. The nearly man who just fell away completely. That's a man I don't want to be. Not under any circumstances.

The other end of the spectrum, is the man who ends it all when they're the future of professional wrestling. It's the cowardly option no doubt. But it's probably the one that's more likely to be remembered in a way that isn't sickeningly patronising. If you go out when you're the future, boy, history will remember you with tinted spectacles. It doesn't matter at that stage, how good you actually were, all that matters is that one or two people thought you could be the best. And that big lie, in a society that won't allow you to speak ill of the dead, will grow, and grow, and grow. Until eventually you're remembered as the man who died before they could reach greatness. Before they could become the best. People just blindly associate you with the people, who were genuinely that good.

Goebbels was right. At least, he was right about that. You tell one big lie often enough and, eventually, people are going to believe it. People are going to accept it. People are going to stop questioning it.

It comes down to this, would I rather be Emile Heskey or Duncan Edwards?

There's a part of me that's screaming Duncan Edwards right now, and frankly, it's hard to shut it out.

It's getting harder and harder to convince myself that it's better to be the flop than remain the next big thing.

It's getting harder and harder to convince myself, that being Shawn Malakai, or The Possessed Child, or Yukio Blaze, or Emile Heskey, is even remotely tolerable.

---

Here I am again.

Back at that pier, exactly where I had been a week earlier. Unlike last week the sun is shining down, glistening off the water that I was set to make my tomb last time I was here. I'd taken a seat on an old wooden bench that looked right out onto the ocean. I figured I'd need to spend a bit of time thinking about this, it's not the kind of decision you should really be making just like that. Even if the answer seems obvious I think you need to sit there for a bit, contemplate what you're about to do, just to make sure that it's what you want.

Well, I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be in this situation.

I guess what I mean is, you need to sit down and think about whether it's really your last option. Whether there really is no chance of things getting better.

I've always tried to divide my life. I've never liked to mix wrestling with my 'real life' because it has generally meant that I've had a safety blanket. If I things up in the real world then I've got professional wrestling to fall back on, and vice verse.

But the two have become entwined. Increasingly, as one falls apart, the other follows.

As I've become more and more miserable, I've become worse and worse as a wrestler. I've got further and further away from where I want to be.

And if it's possible to turn it around, really comes down to whether or not I can find a way to turn either of those two things around. It's about whether or not I can fix one and use that to fix the other.

Right now, I don't feel like I can.

As I sit here staring down at what could be my grave, I don't really feel like I know how to even go about fixing my professional wrestling career. I've stagnated, I'm National Champion, but I've got nothing else, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I work, I can't find a way to get past that. Right now, I've given up on wrestling, and that's something I didn't ever see happening.

But just being here, has given me hope. It has reminded me that maybe, just maybe, I have a lifeline. Maybe, there's one last chance, for me to fix my 'real life'. Maybe there's someone, who can fix me.

---

Eventually, I decided to do exactly what I'd done a week earlier.

Get in my car, speed away from this dump, and head to the house of the only person in the world who seemed like they might care. The only person who might not slam the door in my face the second they lay eyes on me. I decided to go back to the home of the woman who saved me last week. I didn't even have a clue what her name was, but I owed my life to her. Not just for talking me down, but for making sure that doing it, ending my life, might actually affect someone. I know it sounds a bit strange, but I think that knowledge saved my life this afternoon. If I'd done what I intended to do, then let's face it, it would have been all over the news. I'm a professional wrestler, I'm semi-famous, there's no way that fate would have hidden it from her. And just after the brief conversation we'd had the week before, I knew it would have broken her. I couldn't do that. I couldn't hurt her like that.

I plucked up the courage to knock on the door of the woman who had now saved my life twice, and waited. I didn't know what to expect, but I hoped, I really hoped, that when I left that building, I wouldn't feel like going back to that pier.

That's all I could hope for.

The door opened, and I was met by the woman who had saved me a week earlier.

“H..”

I began to say Hello, but she'd thrown her arms around me as soon as the door opened. I guess, she was relieved to see me alive.

“Hi.”

I repeated as she withdrew.

“Hey Joe, come in.”

“Sorry, what did you say your name was again?”

Again. Okay so I didn't ask her last time around, I had other things on my mind.

“Mary.”

She replied as her her hand lead me into the front room. She motioned towards a chair in the corner of the room, I assumed that meant I should sit down. She scurried off to the kitchen, as I sat awkwardly in the corner of the room, I knew I was imposing on this poor woman, but I had no one else. I had to, the alternative was worse for her too.

“Tea? Coffee?”

“Umm... tea please.”

She came back into the room as the kettle roared in the background.

“How are you?”

I didn't know how to answer that one.

“I... I'm fine, thanks.”

“You're fine?”

That sounded more like an accusation than a question, I don't think I convinced her. Perhaps I should have tried to sound a little more convincing.

“I'm still, recovering, I guess. Don't feel much better to be honest.”

And I could feel myself becoming, and more importantly looking, more and more uncomfortable as I said that.

“You can tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help.”

She brushed her long brown hair behind her eyes and offered a comforting smile as she did so. Unfortunately it didn't make me feel any more comfortable, I felt like even more of a burden.

“You can't. No one can.”

“I could try, if you let me.”

She persisted, she clearly wasn't going to take no for an answer.

“I don't know, I just feel like I've got no one to turn to, I haven't got anyone in my corner. I think I could cope if I, if I didn't have to cope alone.”

She didn't respond, just sat there in silence, so I decided I should probably say something else, even though I've got nothing to say.

“Sounds stupid I guess.”

“No! It doesn't.”

“I just feel like, no one knows what I'm going through. I mean, I'm surrounded by people every day, but I can't tell anyone. No one would understand. It's killing me.”

“I understand.”

“You don't even know me.”

I replied, my head focused on the ground.

“That's not what I mean. I know what it's like to feel alone.”

Okay so she'd caught my interest, my head was back focused on her as she continued.

“I was just like you.”

She could tell that had eased my nerves a little, so she carried on.

“I understand what it's like to be alone because I used to...”

Click.

That bloody kettle. She got up, went into the kitchen and started making the tea that she'd promised. The sound of the spoon colliding with the side of the mug, the only audible sound coming from down the corridor. Eventually she re-appeared and as she had a week earlier, thrust the mug of tea into my hand, before moving across the room and sitting down across from me.

“Thanks.”

I smiled, desperately hoping she'd return to what she was about to say.

“What were we talking about again?...”

I tried to jump in, but she continued quickly, obviously not wanting me to answer that question.

“Oh well. Anyway, how has the last week been?”

She started questioning me again, like a patient opposite a psychiatrist, and even though I was desperate for her to tell me what she had been about to tell me, I knew that it wasn't going to happen and the last thing I needed to do was push her away as well. I answered the question. She had at least done enough to make me feel comfortable answering that question honestly.

“More of the same I guess. I'm still feeling pretty down to be honest. Still alone, still miserable and I blew another huge opportunity at Scars & Stripes?”

She smiled, which based on what I'd just said completely confused me.

“What?”

I asked, she kept smiling.

“Scars & Stripes?”

“Oh right, I'm a wrestler. Didn't I say?”

“No... you didn't.”

“Are you a fan?”

That laugh answered my question, but she decided to confirm it anyway.

“No... but... I think I know someone who can help you.”

“Yeah?”

I asked, still completely confused.

“Finish your tea, and follow me.”

She said motioning towards the door. That cute grin growing exponentially. I smiled as well, but I didn't have a clue why.

---

I guess we all need faith, in one way or another.

For some people, that comes in the form of religion.

And in a way I wish I could believe in a deity. I wish I could use religion to give my life meaning, to give me a purpose.

But sadly, that's not an option, because I don't believe a word of it. It's a shame really.

I think everyone needs to believe in something, they need to feel like they've got a reason to get out of bed in the morning. They need to feel like there is a reason they're here, there's a reason that things happen. It's not just a mishmash of coincidences and accidents that gets us to where we are.

Right now, I don't have faith. In anything. I don't have a purpose, or any meaning. I've got no reason to keep going.

Maybe, I can't get better, until I've found something to put my faith in. Not a 'God' per se, but something to drive me on.

Maybe. Maybe I need to find something to make me want to fix myself.

Maybe I need to find something, someone, to trust unconditionally.

---

“Where are we going?”

“Wait and see.”

She replied, her eyes still fixed on the road.

“Oh just tell me.”

She grinned, delighted at the fact that I was becoming more and more impatient.

“We're almost there.”

“That doesn't really answer my question.”

She glanced at her phone for probably the fifth or sixth time this journey, which was quite unnerving as she's supposed to be driving, but whatever I'm not complaining. She continued to talk to me as she did so.

“God you're impatient aren't you?”

Yes, yes I am.

“No I'm not!”

“Well then you won't mind waiting will you?”

I just grumbled and shut up. As she finally pulled up outside an old farmhouse.

“What now?”

I asked, still confused and slightly annoyed.

“Follow me, I know someone who can help you. Actually, I think you might know him too.”

I followed as she walked towards the building and let herself in, navigating her way round fairly easily even though it was pitch black. I wasn't so lucky and was basically acting as a pinball in this cluttered corridor.

And then, I caught a brief glimpse of the reason I was here.

Yes, I knew that man. Because he's one of the many who has come into the WFWF and showed me up. The man who at Scars & Stripes did on his first night what I've been trying to do, on and off, for six years. I was face to face, with the Crow.

What on Earth he had to do with Mary, what she expected to happen now, whether I was at all safe, I had no idea. He gestured towards a chair, and I sat down, opposite the number one contender to the WFWF Championship, Trace Demon's WFWF Championship. This should be interesting.

---

It's difficult to put in to words just how debilitating being alone is.

How desperately hopeless it makes you feel. It's impossible to explain just how sick it makes you feel. Just how impossible it makes it for you to pull yourself out of bed in the morning and face the world.

It's not possible for me, someone who has been through it, to explain it. In fact that sentence is about as close I can get to explaining it.

So when you get presented with an opportunity to end it, you snatch it without a seconds thought. You lose the decision making process that makes you question someone’s motives, their goal. When someone gives you a chance of pulling yourself out of it. You don't think twice. You don't take that risk. Because frankly, anything is better.

The opportunity to be a part of something, to have someone you can try to make a connection with. The opportunity to escape is too great to turn down.

You smile, you nod your head and you do exactly what they say.

I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's sensible. I'm just saying that it's not something you can understand until you've been through it.

I would do anything to break out of this hell. To escape from this cage that I'm locked in.

The problem is that sometimes you just don't know what you need to do to escape it, you need someone to point you in the right direction and you don't give a crap who is doing the pointing.

I've never been so vulnerable, and I know that.

But I've got to escape. I've got free myself from this because it's killing me. It's tearing me apart.

I need someone to pick me up, while I'm at my lowest, and I need them to fix me. Frankly, I don't care who that is or why they want to do it.

---

“What brings you here Mr. Bishop?”

“I have absolutely no idea.”

I said, moving my head in Mary's direction to indicate that she had led me here.

“Trust me Crow, I think you'd really enjoy working with Joe.”

“And why should I trust your judgement?”

I stood, watching Crow and Mary battle this one out, completely baffled by the situation I found myself in.

“Have I ever let you down before?”

Crow seemed convinced by that, I still had no idea what was going on as he turned towards me and began to speak.

“Okay Joe, I think I might have a proposition for you.”

“Go on...”

“Well Mary obviously thinks that I've got something to offer you and vice versa. She's usually right. So how would you like to do business with us?”

He could tell that I was unsure.

“I can help you Joe, I know you're feeling constrained right now, trapped at the bottom of the ladder.”

While that was true, I didn't like being reminded of it and my facial expression made that perfectly clear. He tried to salvage the situation.

“Me and my Nest, we can help you take that next step. We can help you make the impact on the WFWF that you so desperately want to make, the kind of impact I made at Scars & Stripes.”

I was about to respond when Mary decided to add to his case.

“Think about it Joe, you'd be joining a family. A group of people that will never turn its back on you. You don't have to be alone anymore.”

That got Crow interested, I didn't particularly like the fact that Mary had just shared my vulnerability with him, but it was a good point.

“We both want the same thing Joe.”

“How so?”

“We both want to see Trace Demon lose the WFWF Championship at SuperBrawl. I think that, along with the Nest, you could help make that happen. You can help me rebuild the WFWF, a Trace Demon free WFWF.”

A huge grin came across his face, he knew that was exactly what I needed to hear to be convinced. I didn't even think about whether what he was saying was true, without a moments hesitation, without a second to consider what I was doing, I returned the favour.

I smiled at the Crow.

“The door, is always open.”

God help me.

---

Reverend Shadow is without doubt one of the greatest competitors in WFWF history. It's not even something that's up for discussion, he just is. Ask any member of the locker room, any WFWF fan, anyone who knows anything about professional wrestling and they'll tell you that Shadow is one of the best that has ever stepped foot in that ring.

There's an aura around him. There's something about him that sets him apart from every other wrestler in the WFWF past or present.

I don't know if it's just down to the 'look', the presence, or the fact that he's stepped into a ring with Phillip Schneider on several occasions without losing a limb. But whatever it is, it's unique. And because of that, a victory over Reverend Shadow is remembered in a way that no other victory is remembered. Beating Reverend Shadow is something that truly elevates you, that sets you apart from everyone else.

I'm not saying that Reverend Shadow is the greatest wrestler to step into a WFWF ring, but the point is, that if you want to make a statement, beating Reverend Shadow is the way to go about it.

I want to make a statement. I want to prove that I'm ready to step up. Who doesn't?

The problem is that I'm not sure I can make that statement. I'm not sure I am ready to step up just yet.

I'm going to put everything I've got into this match Shadow. I'm not going to stop preparing, working, slaving to be good enough to beat you when Revolution roles around. And you know what? I doubt it'll be enough.

I imagine, that for the third time, I'll be hearing the words, 'and the new National Champion' as I lay in the middle of the ring, defeated.

I desperately want to make my mark. I want to prove that I belong at the top of the ladder. That I deserve to be having matches with men like Reverend Shadow, week in, week out. But even if I falter in this match, I'm okay with that. I really don't care too much if that happens.

Because this match is just a chance for me to gauge where I'm at. To find out just how far I am behind Reverend Shadow.

It's my opportunity to find out how hard I need to work, or how low I need to stoop, to make up that difference.

This match is probably the biggest of my life. But it's certainly not must win. And in a way, for perhaps the first time in my career, I think I could cope with losing. I could cope with being second best. Because after this match, whichever way it goes, I'll know exactly what I need to do to make sure that I'm never going to be second best again.

I've felt constrained for so long. I've felt like I've got two options, the failure or the man who would have succeed if he'd tried. If he'd had the opportunity.

But I'm beginning to think that I was wrong. I don't think they are my only options anymore.

See as wrong as it feels, I've got a third and final option. A route to the top that at the start of the day I'd have never thought of. An option that had got so far away that I'd forgotten it even existed. An option that has been employed by so many of the greats, no scratch that, all of the greats who have stepped into a WFWF ring. My third route, is the only one that can take me to the top. And it worked for Thunder, it worked for Scarlett Quinn, heck even Trace Demon resorted to it on his way to the title.

I'm not all out of options. There's one ace left in the pack. One last trick up my sleeve.

I can ask for help.

As wrong as those words feel coming out of my mouth.

I can ask for help. I don't have to try and do it on my own.

I've been thinking about whether I'm willing to let someone help me get to the top. And when I had no one, when there was no one who was willing to help me get there, I told myself that asking for someone's help is a sign of weakness. Needing someone to help you get the job done is pathetic. It was a defence mechanism, I had no one to help me, so I assured myself that I didn't need help. But everyone does. Everyone who has done a damn thing in this promotion has had someone they can turn to in their hour of need. They've all had a shoulder they can cry on. They've all had someone who can jump in and save them from a beating.

I've needed that for so long, and now finally, I might just have it.

Maybe, just maybe, having someone in my corner, having a whole ing army, in my corner is just what I need.

And maybe it still won't be enough. Maybe even with all that I'll fall away and I'll be the flop.

But I'm not giving up while there's still something I can try. While there's still hope of me getting to where I want to be.

Shadow, you're a legend. And Rome wasn't built in a day, so I know, that I'm probably going to lose this National Championship to you at Revolution. But even if you do beat me, I'll not be defeated. I'm not going to let it destroy me, I'm not going to let it consume me like my losses to Trace Demon did. I'm going to come back, with an army behind me, and I'm going to take it back. If you beat me Reverend, then not even God is going to be able to help you. Because I'll be coming back ten times stronger and I'll be coming back with only one thing in mind, it won't be vengeance, it'll simply be victory.

Don't get complacent though Shadow. Because even though I'm not confident of victory this week, I am going to give you everything I've got, I'm going to do everything and anything I can to walk away victorious.

You are not just going to walk through me like you have with your last six opponents. You are not going to show up, pin me and walk away with the National Championship without one hell of a fight.

The fire is back Shadow. The desire to be the best, is alive and kicking. The passion that has been missing for so long has returned. Your title shot isn't going to be against the Joe Bishop who beat Devilkiller to win the National Championship for a third time, it's not going to be against the Joe Bishop who beat Devilkiller and Jayson Garrett to defend it. That Joe Bishop was running at 50%, at best. No you're getting Joe Bishop at %110, you're getting the Joe Bishop who tore through the WFWF roster in his first five matches, you're getting the Joe Bishop who showed flashes of a return when he cleared the ring and stood tall at the end of Battleground.

For the first time since you returned to the WFWF, you're getting an opponent who had the same drive to beat you as Kyzer, McGurk and Deville had in the good old days.

You're in for the biggest fight you've had in years, the first real test of whether you're still the man who earned his place in the WFWF Hall of Fame.

If you want to beat me, and claim the National Championship for the first time, you're going to have to prove that you're still that man.

But regardless of whether you do that or not. Regardless of whether you take the belt from me. I am going to get to the top of the ladder.

It might happen at Revolution, it might not be for another six months, for another year, but I'm confident, that this is going to work. I'm confident, that now I've got someone to fight alongside, and someone to fight for, no one is going to stop me. Not you, not Trace Demon, no one. Not in the long run.

I refuse to be the flop. I refuse to remain the 'next big thing'.

I'm not going to be 'the future' ever again.

I'm going to do what everyone else who made it big did. I'm going to let myself be helped, and either it will work and I'll be the man, or it won't and it'll be clear to everyone that I never had it in the first place.

At least I'll know.

---

“What just happened?”

“You just made the best decision of your life.” She replied pulling away from the building and returning to the road.

“Did I?”

I wasn't really sure.

“Trust me. Crow knows what he's doing, I may not know a lot about wrestling, but I know enough to realize that you just made the best decision of your career.”

“Umm.”

“And I can guarantee, that things are going to get better now. You're going to be fine.”

“Thanks.”

I said with little conviction.

“Trust me.”

She smiled. And I did. I trusted her, I didn't really have a reason to, but I would have marched into hell for her if she's asked. I owed her my life and I would have done anything to repay her.

---

My mind's all over the place. My head's spinning. My heart's racing. My whole body quaking.

I've been going back and forth for two weeks. Changing my mind again and again and again. But finally, now, I know where I am. I know where I'm going.

I'm excited.

I'm ready.

I'm...

...alive.

For the first time in three years... I'm alive.

I've finally escaped the shadow that's been hanging over me for so long.

I've had a conversation with another human being. I've got a home now, a real home that I can share with other people, even if they wouldn't have been my first choice for company. Finally, I've got somewhere I can belong.

For the first time since I stepped into that ring for my National Championship match with Jon O'Deeves at SuperBrawl V, the man who had dreams and hopes and aspirations... and friends... is going to be wrestling again.

I care what happens in this match, of course I do. But win, lose or draw, I'm back. Joe Bishop is back.

And the real Joe Bishop is not leaving again.

Not until I've done what I joined the WFWF to do, or died trying.


OOC: Yes I know I have nine more days to work on this, I'm posting this early because I want to write as much as possible prior to going back to Uni to make sure that none of my RPs from now to SB are as bad as my RRs were between Battleground and S&S. It's not ideal, but I really need to have as much of 5 (possibly 6) RPs done by mid-January as possible and I'm still fairly happy with this anyway. Hope everyone has a good Christmas.