Losing A Loved One

Very sorry to hear.


I've had only one other close family member pass, but it was a time coming and we'd prepared emotionally as time went on.

This winter, my dad took ill and when we finally got him to go to the hospital they found he developed a brain tumor. He was immobile and incapable of caring much for himself (and my mother, who has Alzheimer's) at the time but I didn't know how bad it was since I was not local. His sister lived in the area and took care of my mom while he was in the hospital for a couple days until I could fly in. An operation wouldn't be helpful and would only prolong his suffering. I chose to opt against that since they at least gave him an outlook of over half a year. I was going to move him halfway across the country to a facility closer to me, and the following day they smacked me with a prognosis that was only a couple months. The costs in transporting him were extraordinary, so I then planned that it'd be far more cost-effective to just fly there weekly for that time. So I began doing that and ONE WEEK LATER he was gone.


Good thing I was able to spend a few days with him before he was completely out of it, though he was very close. Prior to that final visit, I did have one good & long conversation with him which was surprising considering the day before he was barely conscious. It was a complete 180. Then a day or two later, it was back again.

To make things worse, my mom's situation was that he was taking care of her and no professional services or diagnosis were in play. So when the crap hit the fan, I had ZERO help anywhere except family. When dad went to the hospital, I flew 700 miles to SC to be w/them. After a couple days I drove my mom another 700 miles to the Northeast to be w/her sister for a bit while I dealt w/dad's situation. Flew home to the midwest for half a week and then went back to visit w/dad for a few days. That was the final visit. Only a couple more weeks went by before I flew to the northeast to get mom and drive her all the way back to the midwest to be w/me where she's been ever since. It's been since late Jan. that I've been trying to get her situated properly without paying thousands out of pocket (they had zero savings and no possessions worth bothering with - I gave up everything to his sister/family) and she's still just staying with us. I don't MIND, but she needs better care than my family can offer. I'm just glad I work at home and can accommodate. And while money isn't an issue, I'm not spending $3000 per month to house her because the government keeps screwing us over every step of the way.


ANYWAY, after that rant, she is currently in the hospital after losing consciousness this weekend. We were just walking at the store and she simply collapsed. I swear I thought she died right in my arms as I caught her and laid her down; she was unresponsive, eyes were empty then closed, and I struggled to find a pulse (though I was quite nervous and shaky in my attempts). Thankfully a worker nearby performed CPR and literally seemed to wake her up within seconds. I don't know it very well but can't shake the thought that had I been alone I wouldn't have done it properly and it wouldn't have helped. While she is now OK, though still in the hospital, I may as well have went through seeing her death right in my hands because that's how I saw it from my eyes. It was horrendous. Dad's was terrible but it was slowly onset. This was within a second. That's one thing I hope I can shake the memory of. It's only been 3 days but I can not get those images and feelings out of my head. FWIW, her heart rate apparently got so low it caused her to just drop right there.

Obviously, THANKFULLY, it was all but completely alleviated within a few minutes but those feelings for those few minutes? Ungodly.

I'm only 33 and feel far too young to deal with things like this. Not that any time is good, but you just don't expect them to be a possibility. I know awful things like these and more happen to those my age and younger, of course, and I'm not discounting those. I'm just joining the ranks of poor souls who have to endure such horrible situations and whose loved ones get struck with things when they should be healthy and still vibrant. Having to deal with my mom's situation, and having an infant at home at the time, I didn't really get to grieve for my dad. I don't know if that will properly come to be. I didn't have time nor mind to feel sorry or introspective or anything, as I had to ensure my mother was going to be cared for and situated. Sure it's my parents' problem that she had nothing or nowhere to go, but as an only child who gets crap done there was no way I was not going to handle things as best I could. On one hand, I think it's fine that I didn't go through the whole grieving process, and I did so in my own way based on my outlets at the time. However you get to or choose to do it, it's all you man. Nothing is wrong or right about anything. My wife thought I was crazy that I was continuing to do my usual routine when home, but that was the only thing that could keep me sane with everything going on. The prior year, my best friend was sitting on my couch and got a phone call. His mother was found dead at home...out of nowhere! He was astonished, as anyone would be. We did our usual weekly thing which helped him put his emotions out in the way he knew best, and it helped. I was the same way I suppose w/my dad though it wasn't through traditionally-emotional means.



My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of thoughts and memories for your dad as I hold for me and mine.