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Post by Dex on Jun 21, 2016 12:38:36 GMT -5
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Post by Dex on Jun 21, 2016 12:40:18 GMT -5
OOC: I had to get this out earlier than I would have wished, since I leave for vacation on Thursday. I hope that you guys like this piece, I tried to execute some aspects that I have not really covered before. I have a lot left to write, and a lot brewing for SuperBrawl.
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Post by bad guy™ on Jun 24, 2016 2:47:20 GMT -5
OOC: I had to get this out earlier than I would have wished, since I leave for vacation on Thursday. I hope that you guys like this piece, I tried to execute some aspects that I have not really covered before. I have a lot left to write, and a lot brewing for SuperBrawl. Considering I built your SuperBrawl match, I can't wait to see what magic you pull out for that.
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Post by CM Poor: DeepFigureValue on Jun 27, 2016 12:51:57 GMT -5
I've gotta say, for all our personal history, I'm a little bummed that each of our outputs here, at least from my perspective, kind of built to all but a whimper here.
I was really let down that the opening scene, for all the build and word work, wound up being little more than a put in for a character to fall into place to use the old "tell me about your match" device. Completely aside from my opinions on your style, I feel like you're well beyond needing that sort of crutch to introduce the match. Hell, lately I've been of the mind that as long as the scenery in the rp isn't completely devoid of any ties to the baseline story here, I'm fine if there's only a passing mention of the match, as long as something's in place to bring it around home somewhere.
I'm also a little bummed that your character's arc right now amounts to "do I even want to be here", 'cause it didn't afford you much opportunity to cut me down, which is always my favorite part to look forward to in an opponent's rp.
You're still copping pretty heavy influence from other's styles, but whatever. If they don't mind, it's cool, but to anyone who's been around the block here, it's probably pretty obvious.
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Post by King Richius on Jun 27, 2016 13:17:33 GMT -5
I read this a couple of times over the past week because I wanted to like it. Technically I don't see anything wrong with it. Content wise, I think there is something going on here that should be interesting. Unfortunately, and there is no nice way for me to say this so I'm sorry if I come off sounding like a dick, the only word I can come up with to describe it is "boring". There was no hook that really drew me in and made me want to keep reading. As I said, I read it several times because I wanted to find that hook but I couldn't.
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Post by Dex on Jul 4, 2016 17:10:46 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies guys. I had to write this one quickly, before I left to the other side of the country.
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Post by Rated R on Jul 5, 2016 15:46:57 GMT -5
If I never have to read another "let's generically talk about your match this week" scene then it will still be too soon.
Aside from that very big flaw, which I hope it's well established is the single thing I hate most in RP's because if it isn't I'm doing something wrong, your big issue is that I don't know what exactly in this RP I'm meant to care about? Because it sure isn't Dex's quite honestly bland love life. It took me a long time to accept, despite Drakz's constant complaints, that we're not writing a hallmark family drama series and that unless this stuff really matters and pushes the character in a new direction IN AN EXCITING WAY then it just doesn't do anything for some readers. As it turns out I'm one of those readers, who would have thought it?
I understand you wrote this under time constraints, we've all been there, but I really think you need to reassess the story you're telling and find a way of telling it in an exciting way that really makes an impact on the reader. Make it dynamic and entertaining Dex, that's all I ever ask when I read 10 plus RP's a show.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 8, 2016 15:56:23 GMT -5
Take it from someone who used to get regularly panned for the Hallmark family stuff bro, find a different angle to take on the relationship aspect. Not so much the lovey dovey stuff, but present them as real people. And that could be as simple as fleshing out who Kristina is, since she is becoming a part of Dex's character. I had the same problem when introducing Nikki, but it helped that Erica wrote Nikki and it gave me something to work off.
Listen man, no one is denying that you have a boatload of talent, and to be honest you get panned harder than most because of your World Title reign (but take it as a compliment that much is expected of you), but I really think your struggles come from trying too hard. Whether it's trying to stack multiple adjectives where they aren't needed or the things you've been commented on before, it's only because we want to see you improve as a writer, in turn making it more fun for you. So relax and slow down.
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