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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 17, 2022 17:24:24 GMT -5
Hey man,
So I thought this was a good piece. I'm going to try and avoid covering what's been covered, as many of those points I agree with. But I will add my thoughts to piggyback back off them:
I actually dig the grey narration. It is a nice balance to Trace's own internal narration and entertaining, so I wouldn't mind seeing you use it again at some point.
I think the scenes did a pretty good job of establishing the mindset as a whole, telling that internal struggle between apathy and caring. For Trace as a heel, I do like that vulnerability. The highlight of that to me was the podcast rant. While that seemed to get mixed reviews from our peers, I like it because it showed Trace cracking, which is a nice change of pace from the arrogant, never shook pr*ck he normally is.
While I think the use of the golden contract was necessary to tie the story together, I don't know if you needed both the Eddie scene and the Jason Anders scene to accomplish it. I understand why you did it though, and both had their moments of entertainment.
Lila being the big reveal is not that shocking to me, but I also have context of being around during that time and know she was initially an on screen character you created to counterbalance Trace. The reveal does, however, confirm what my own character had been saying for all those years. So thanks, buddy (f*cking crooked ass fed ;p ).
I always enjoy when people show good interactions with other characters and their traits, and the one you did with Bobby's hug was excellent. You also know I'm a sucker for callbacks and history between characters, which I thought you did really well in your promo and the Section C line directed at Alex Sean.
Overall buddy, this was a really good rp as a whole work and it definitely had its highlights. What I'm interested in, and I hope you do it soon, is the effects Draven's attack had on Trace. I feel like you purposefully didn't cover that topic here.
Nice work!
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 17, 2022 13:40:53 GMT -5
Hey man,
I'm going to try and avoid rehashing what has already been said. Most of the comments that have been made I agree with, but I will add my thoughts to piggyback them:
I think the thing I enjoyed the most about this rp was that despite it being shorter, I did not feel cheated as a reader in getting a comprehensive DGX experience. We got a clear motivation for D with some entertaining situations. Obviously, the Starbucks scene with Werner was the highlight. We not only got entertainment, but there were very human elements D showed there. He may be a perma-heel, but there's a likability to him. You and I were talking the other day about utilizing description, and I saw that technique on full display here.
But I enjoyed the promo just as much as the Starbucks scene. Just the efficiency in which you went full character assassination on Trace was excellent. Nothing more I can say other than that.
Overall man, this is a good example of doing more with less that everyone here can follow, myself included.
Nice work.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 14, 2022 23:37:46 GMT -5
Hey man,
So I definitely with E's assessment that Shuggy has some serious traction as a top babyface. I definitely think that's a testament as your ability as a writer, especially when you consider that your most success came as writing a neutral/heel character.
I think the above mentioned hit most of the main talking points, so I'll offer my thoughts to add off theirs:
You dialouge has come a long way and easily the best part of your scenes. Like the Shuggy/Bishopverse are good people (including Joe Joe deep down, don't let him fool you with his brooding sh*t), and dynamic is one you can get milage out of. I've seen narration from you that hit better than what this outing did, and I wonder if it was because you were trying to cover the content with both Shuggy and Poppy. While Poppy is an important part of the cast, Shuggy is the main focus and his thoughts are the ones we care about the most. Not to say we don't care about Poppy, because we absolutely do. But when the scene is from her eyes, it should carry a lot of weight. I think that Elle's bedtime scene did, because wanting your kids to be proud of you, and realizing you model for them, that's real. It seems like when you switched perspective to Shuggy, that momentum took a hit. Just my opinion.
I don't need to tell you anything about promos. It's always been your strength.
Overall, this was a delight buddy.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 14, 2022 3:22:54 GMT -5
Hey man,
So you are definitely trending upwards in your overall presentation, and this was a good showing of it. I can't really say much more than what's already been said, but I can offer you my thoughts that add to the points made:
You have found a nice voice in that neutral space, although I think your story does lend itself more towards the babyface side, and I believe I told you as much. What's not to sympathize with Johnny's mental struggle. Most everything in his life has found a black mark at some point or another, so him being mentally distraught would be a natural emotion. And how it he tries to resolve it without much success is an interesting direction to take. I can see there is an element of real life there, and I wouldn't mind seeing you taking it another crack at it down the line with some of the suggestions that were made above.
Promos are really becoming a strong suite of yours and I think that will only continue. I agree with E and Alex that you're finding a niche with your openers being strong frameworks for your later content. I think that's something you can double down on.
This very much felt like a tale of two halfs of the RP. Your first half was awesome with the first promo and the first half of the therapy scene. I think the second half of the therapy scene lost a little, perhaps it was seemingly abruptly ended. I do understand in the big scheme what you were trying to do with this being a dramatized version of a disappointing experience with a "professional". I use that term loosely because anyone who is that apathetic to there job has no business dealing in mental health. I digress, because the message did come across. What I want to see you do is don't completely write off that therapist yet, but in fact there is a way you can show how you believe it should go and what Johnny expects in return for his payment for service. Have Johnny call out that her only solution seems to be meds instead of helping him with strategies. This way, you have a supporting character you can work with for a while. It will require some research to get all the terminology down, but I don't think that's anything you'd mind doing.
The last promo on Shuggy was pretty good, but I do think you left a little on the table like was previously mentioned. You definitely had a good line with the Bloody Red Man, and I definitely think you were onto something with his call to toughen up.
I did notice some grammatical bits and I'm not sure what you use as a writing tool. That said, give your rps a run through on those tools and you'll catch those.
Overall dude, I definitely think you're making strides and have a good foundation of things that work for you to build off. And this was a step up from your last outing.
Nice job.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 13, 2022 14:31:24 GMT -5
Betty White... that's awesome.
Can't add much more than what's already been said. This was fun. I enjoyed it.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 8, 2022 16:03:10 GMT -5
Hey man,
So I feel like this is a better outing overall from last show, and I think that's a good thing. What I really enjoyed here was how you framed POISON's message with the curiosity our concierge experiences. I think that framing and using him as the means to tell that story is actually really smart in developing a universe for POISON you can draw from. You've been around and seen that a lot of players have a rich universe to draw material from, easter eggs and callbacks, and I think you have a good opportunity to so with this. You'll see if you keep doing it how much richer your stories become, so I want to see you double down on the effects it has on Matt. I'm glad to see you took that suggestion to heart and applied it here.
The promo itself did what it needed to do, and like what was commented on in your last outing, the brevity of the message is one of the more appealing things. I think the comment about a fast count for the match was a missed opportunity and I think had you spun it a different way, would've served better for the overall goal you have for POISON. Like check this example out:
"I was having a blast inflicting pain on MESH. She may look innocent, but she enjoyed it too. But maybe we were having too much fun, and that's why the ref acted that way. He was trying to be a hero, because he saw what I was extracting from her. And WFWF can't allow their next great star to become a monster we're all destined to be."
Or something like that. Feel free to use it as a template or even borrow it.
When you opt to go brief with your promos, you gotta make that time you allow count. So how you choose to frame your statements can tell us a lot about POISON without actually saying it.
I absolutely love the Tests of Karate Steve section of the promo. That was really the highlight of it. Need more of those kinds of things.
Like I said at the beginning, this is a better outing. I think you're starting to find techniques to incorporate with this character to establish his purpose and voice. That's going to be a scary combination when you get everything firing at the same time. Just make sure you're allowing yourself the time in the writing cycle to get the most out of what you're doing.
Nice work man.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 4, 2022 16:10:32 GMT -5
Man, the attention to detail in these writeups is outstanding. Looks like a great card, can't wait!
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 2, 2022 19:31:48 GMT -5
This is a sexuh set of results, Alex. Definitely worth the wait. From top to bottom, you wouldn't even know that we had some of the irl stuff we had come up.
A few thoughts:
I absolutely love DGX/Trace being the main event for the next show. I can't wait to read the work they put out for the match.
The Alex hype promos really made the story of Alex's disappointment to close the show even better. Nice way to build that up.
TITUS! might just be the greatest thing ever. That is all.
Loved EBR's sit down. Excited to do mine.
Shuggy just minding his own business. Trace just looking for a reason.
Kurt Burton and Werner dynamic is something I didn't realize I needed until I saw it in action.
Next card looks stacked. Can't wait!
Great job all around, guys!
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 30, 2022 16:07:11 GMT -5
*Clutches title even closer than before.*
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 29, 2022 1:42:36 GMT -5
So first things first, this was excellent.
A lot of people here know I'm a sucker for varied vocabulary choices, especially when words are used correctly. I think it shows a strong command of language to use it, especially the way you did by painting a great backdrop of the scenes you had. Myself, E, and D had a similar challenge that you did with our initial rp's back in the mix, which is explaining a significant time away from the WFWF fold, and how the character is different from the last time we saw them. So I think it was a smart choice to start with the XWA scene. It gives us the point of reference for the juxtaposition to follow. You gotta know where they've been to understand the impact of where they are, and you did a great job of really capturing the theme throughout.
What I really like was the visual presentations throughout, and I've told you as much. Especially the one in the convention with the tiny dialouge as Alex is zoning out. To me it felt like Alex is trying to be engaged out of courtesy, but instead is consumed with his own thoughts of "Damn, is this really what I've become? A parody of myself." So well done on using the written word combined with visuals.
I could gripe on there being no mention of the match, especially with the caliber of opponent as DAVID HANDLECATCH!, but I actually think in this case it would've hurt the overall quality of the product if you would've included a promo. Now that isn't to say I don't want an Alex Sean promo, because I absolutely do. But when you do finally get a chance to cut a promo on someone, I want you to rip them a new ass.
Look man, I know you were worried about the rust of not doing a character development/competitive rp for this long. But now that it's in the can, I don't think you need to be anymore. It's clear the skill is still there. What I'm curious about now is to see how his relationships have changed during this time. I feel like at some point, you're going to need to explore that.
But this was a great job buddy.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 27, 2022 11:36:42 GMT -5
Mark nailed a lot of the comments you'll probably receive this feedback cycle. I did manage to read this as you were working on it and I do like how it came together. The visual presentation is awesome and I think the story you're setting up here is going to be very compelling. The promo itself is probably the part that you're missing that next gear. What I find so intriguing about Macy is that she has that ability to really go dark. I think you could've given us a little more of that, and that's probably the only gripe I have on it.
Overall, this a good piece of work. I think you laid a good foundation for a solid run this go around.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 22, 2022 23:13:05 GMT -5
Business just picked up!
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 22, 2022 13:31:28 GMT -5
This was great bro. I'd love to see you continue these in a collaborative manner with other players. Ole Joe-Joe being the pessimistic voice with valid points does provide that counter balance of the new "GAHTHISISAWESOME!" vibe that Abadi is creating.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 22, 2022 13:11:49 GMT -5
Hey man,
First off, I'm glad you decided to come back. I always thought the POISON character had a lot of potential, same with your past characters like Gotch. What stuck out to me was the coding presentation. I think the purple and orange works for you.
As for the content, I do like that you established POISON as a monster type of character in the sense of his motivation is to destroy. Monster characters don't need to be seven footers if the presentation is done correctly. I think you're on your way in that regard. There is something humanizing about POISON when mentioning disappointing your mentor, which is always good. Kyzer used a similar blueprint with Tugrain Zmey that I think you can use to draw inspiration from.
I do agree with Mesh about the missed opportunities in the promo. Mesh has enough of a character catalog that you have plenty of ammunition to use. I tend to look at promos as you are selling your audience on why you should be seen as a threat. I think you got that message across as a whole, and it's a tricky balance of putting over their strengths while using their strengths against them.
Overall, I think you did a solid outing, and you have the distinction of being the first poster in the reboot. That's pretty cool and no one can take that away from you.
BTW, check your inbox.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 22, 2022 11:14:58 GMT -5
I'm late to the party on responding, but I do like these writeups.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 16, 2022 21:23:11 GMT -5
I have always been more of "the rp as a whole". I think when it comes to the promo, did you work the whole program in throughout as you address the opponent? How does this affect your character in terms of his relationships? I look at the quality of the writing as well.
I think it is good that we are discussing this so that there is a sense of transparency in what different rp'ers expect from rp's. I will add more in depth when this tournament is over.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 15, 2022 8:46:04 GMT -5
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Post by jdfranchise on Jun 2, 2022 17:50:55 GMT -5
I'll be the first to comment. This is awesome, a nice snappy read to re-establish the new regime and players.
The Alex Sean segment was legit funny. "You want me to like hit this -beep- ing guy?"
I love how our jobber characters have SUCH LOUD ENTRANCES! Sorry, hit the caps lock mid way through.
I think with everyone we have signed up for the tour, this is going to be really fun.
Nice work everyone!
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Post by jdfranchise on May 27, 2022 21:42:49 GMT -5
Everyone talking on Discord, Revvie just sitting here, being oldschool. Yeah. I know you said you'd rather stay away from Discord, but it could be fun. I think the server would explode if you showed up.
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Post by jdfranchise on May 19, 2022 14:54:31 GMT -5
Yes
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