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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 4, 2014 20:46:41 GMT -5
They got into an altercation at a media event. This gone be good. Yeah I just watched it on MMAJunkie. This is what happens when there is true animosity. They'll need to have more people surrounding Jones and Cormier up until the fight at any media commitments.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 4, 2014 16:52:49 GMT -5
Im pretty positive Schneider is doing the I Respect You match, hence why I took the National Title Match.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 3, 2014 19:28:23 GMT -5
I predict that those two will taunt for at least four of the five rounds.
In all seriousness guy this is as close to a superfight as we're going to get at this current time. Nick wanted the big fight, now he's got it. I like this fight because it's interesting wherever it goes. I assume they'll be on the feet for most of it, and Nick has that volume boxing style that Anderson will not want to stand in front of for long. That being said it is fair to insert Anderson as the favorite here, although it will be interesting to see if Nick throws kicks coming out, or if Anderson will be gunshy about throwing kicks.
I imagine Anderson will watch the Condit fight in devising his game plan. However if his mobility is compromised in any way, Anderson may be looking at a rough return.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 3, 2014 1:02:13 GMT -5
Mike I got a chance to read this as you were writing it and I've given you my thoughts on it privately, but I wanted to share my thoughts publicly.
I am so glad that you are finally getting to wrote on Penny because I know she is one that is near and dear to you, but also because she is awesome. As we've all come to expect, your dialogue is spot on throughout and is a great device to tell the story. The sex scene was tastefully done but still captured that carnal feeling. Loved the flashback twist and the motif of a two teenage girls expressing hormones, one that has a grasp on her sexuality and the other struggling with it. As I told you when you first showed this to me that it took a very strong stance on gender roles especially with a lesbian relationship. The scene with Demento and the Deans is the scene I was personally most invested in because of mine and Erica's characters being represented. That being said you hit a home run here with the dynamics and dialouge. I feel like Penny, who we've come to expect as a tough, no nonsense type of girl was humanized by showing vulnerability and fear.
Overall buddy, great read from start to finish. And I saved you for last because I enjoyed it so much when I was reading the work in progress that I had to read it all the way through again. -huuuugs-
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 3, 2014 0:41:01 GMT -5
To be honest, this didn't do a whole lot for me, but it is a helluva try. There were some a couple of lines in the opening monologue that didn't read right to me. "Him and I..." and "still a long way to go before even Shawn is proud of me." Those two in particular would've read much smoother the word choices were picked better or rearranged differently, because they made me cringe from a normal syntactical standard.
The switching from first to third person perspective midway through the scene with James and mercenaries really killed the momentum of what was turning out to be a good scene. I really hate to say this but I feel like you still struggle with Dex's voice to a degree, but that will be fixed in time I'm sure. I give you credit for picking the confident underdog stance and sticking with that as a central character trait for this storyline. What really worried me for your character starting off this storyline as champ was trying to overhaul Dex in one shot when evolution is something comes with time and experience. That kind of confusion with the character can make Ante seem like he's got his affairs in order. But I digress because overall I believe you have and will continue to improve.
You are in a position Dex where everything you do is analyzed because of the title you have right now, and you have stepped up as well as anyone could've expected. I told Shapiro when I gave him feedback that everything you write especially starting out or being young into this game is learning experience and I believe for you this holds true as well.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 2, 2014 16:52:28 GMT -5
First off Tyger, it sucks that Mags flaked on you because I think it would've been a good match in a tourney that has went crazy from the jump. Your piece was good bro. I like that you dug a little bit into the military background with the PTSD episode. I think you missed just a hair by cutting it off just before it started getting interesting. Maybe something of a hallucination in which he calls Amy a different name and is on edge (as is really symptomatic of PTSD patients, having friends who have served). What the PTSD scene really did for me was make Tyger sympathetic, though the scene with Merc did kind of bring me down a hair because he was over the top "oh its ok buddy" to me. I thought you brought it back pretty nice with the monologue on Mags bringing some of the past to light.
Solid work bro, and I think the best representatives of the National Title tourney are in the finals. Good luck to you.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 2, 2014 16:21:10 GMT -5
I like touch adding the magazine graphic into this piece Bish. With monologues being your strong suit, that added dimension works well for you. The scene with Mary did it's job of keeping the piece flowing to where you wanted to go. I think the propaganda angle is really something you highlighted well here and made me smile since I did just do a lesson plan on Animal Farm by George Orwell for my class. I would like to see you do some dialogue with Demon and Anders to give us more perspective into Joe's mind as this thing fleshes out. With Joe and Demon's history, I have to believe all isn't forgiven just because they join forces.
Solid work bro.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 2, 2014 13:11:18 GMT -5
So far I have over 700 words done for my PPV RP, anyone care to see it so far? -Cartman voice- Yeah I'd like to take a look at it Kyle. Send it my way.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 2, 2014 13:06:02 GMT -5
Time constraints are a b*tch Cam, but I for one am glad that you showed for your match. You covered the necessary parts here. I think that Gabriel has potential, even though he is an older cat. Your last few Stone pieces have shown what you are capable of doing, and I think you can bring that same ability to Gabriel. You have plenty of backstory with this guy that you can use as character development and I hope you really dig into it.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 2, 2014 12:13:43 GMT -5
I like this Ante. It becomes a little cliche with the abusive background because so many people using it, but two things I point out with your rendition of the concept:
A. It was pretty well written and accurate. B. The talking rat put a different feel on it.
I think for what would like to see from ya moving foward is what has been touched on already which is slow down a bit on the scenes. The stuff was written well, but I think you missed on really giving us good emotional content because it felt like we couldnt process what was happening where it moved so fast. Pacing is tough to get down, but luckily for you we have plenty of people that are good at doing it (Trace, Drakz, Mike are a few good examples)...so take a little time to read some of their stuff and see how they do it, or better yet pick their brain about the best way to do it.
Solid first outing bro. Definitely think you got some tools here to really build around.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 2, 2014 0:47:12 GMT -5
-Cartman voice- Kyle, this scene didn't do much for me here as a reader mostly because I saw some places that you missed out on doing something completely different that could've turned this into more than just a typical face meets a fan. Such example is the mom flirting with Kyle. Kyle could've easily shown a little more swag and potentially had some more mature dialogue with the mom that would've given us a new perception and a new wrinkle with Kyle, while still maintaining face value with the kid. I know I'm in the minority with this, but kids in rps don't bother me, if they're executed properly (keep in mind I have kids of my own irl and in character). So what the guys are saying is correct that it is difficult to write kids because you really have to know that particular personality, otherwise it comes off very bland.
I think you're onto something with the actual therapist. Like Drakz said it would've had much more effect with ending the scene as he's walking in, and saving that for a rp or set of rps all together.
You have improved a lot since the first time I read your work, and you have a great opportunity in working with Kyzer to learn a lot about writing. Use this opportunity to pick his brain and you will come out much better for it. You tried something new to you and I respect that, so keep working man. The tools are there, now you need to learn how to use them.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 1, 2014 22:07:22 GMT -5
Hey dude everything you write starting out is learning experience. And I think that the best learning experience you can take from your first two matches is what you already admitted to, which is planning out your rps in advance is a great place to start. It works for two pretty important reasons: 1. It allows you to think up concepts that you want to accomplish in order to develop your character, and 2. It gives you plenty of time to flesh out said concepts in order to put your best foot forward each time out.
As far as what you actually gave us this show, I think you've shown us that you grasp the basics of what goes into a standard scene (narrative, dialogue, voice, etc.) Now what I want to see from you moving forward is expand that understanding and really take a big bite into Shapiro. Use some of his past experiences to show that drive he has, because experience is a good vehicle to show us where we've come from to get where we are.
It's unfortunate that your opponents flaked on you, but I think that you being willing to do a bit of research on your opponents served you well here and really helped you through the dialouge. Listen, almost everyone here has asked for help at some point, so don't be afraid to ask someone when you get stuck. Keep sticking around and trying and you'll see how you writing improves.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 1, 2014 20:21:48 GMT -5
DMK is comedic gold. You'd think he's the one that is a seven foot wrecking ball, yet he's Mini Me. That's what is so cool about what you're doing with this combination. The contrast of personalities. Zmey seems like a sympathetic character dispite these horrible things he does, then DMK is such an bunghole that it just works. I've never watched The Wire so I'll just take DMK's word for it, but it was cool to see that connection. Maybe just a touch longer to really maximize what you had going, but I can't complain on the quality. Nice job bro.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 1, 2014 18:14:41 GMT -5
Drakz, I have to agree with Trace on this one with how you bring the whole fed into an RP. And the transitions are so fluid that when reading his thoughts from one subject to another you find yourself as a reader saying 'damn I didn't think of it like that, but he has a point' and that is something I love about reading your work. Even f*cking up Garrett's name can be passed off as intentional because even that screamed Drakz and his thought on him, the 'he's not even important enough to make sure I spell his name right.' The show is a nice vehicle to get us going toward the direction you're wanting us to go, but for me the scene with the dog is the best part of this piece. I think there is where Drakz's personality is showcased so well. It might have been a rush job bro, but still good quality.
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 1, 2014 13:59:22 GMT -5
I'm actually talking to him on FB Shawn and Drakz, he'll be finishing up shortly
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Post by jdfranchise on Aug 1, 2014 12:59:45 GMT -5
Ok dude I'm just now getting around to giving feedback here. I tend to agree with Drakz and Dex that the Chase storyline is becoming borderline overkill and it took away from a strong start where I thought that you were going to immerse yourself in this match completely. I'd personally like to know what Slappy's status is at this point, because the tag titles look like a prop when they should be defended. I think on the whole this is better than last show, so its nice to see that you were able to bounce back, but I saw some things that need to be addressed.
One being that some of your language in the opening monologue felt forced. The line about Drakz going to the ring is one that stands out, and the dirty my hands bits didn't resonate with me because I know when I'm reflecting internally, thoughts don't come out like that.
I like that you decided to change it up and go first person here. It's not something you're comfortable with, but I respect taking the risk. If you keep trying it, you'll find the places put individual development and little digs at your opponent.
You got a tough draw this week man, and I think you're on the right track to really put together consistent work. Once this storyline with Slappy runs its course, I believe we'll really start to see you showing the true elements of Jayson Garrett.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 31, 2014 19:01:18 GMT -5
I did kind of do a rush job on some parts of it because I had some school stuff to do and I wanted to give Erica plenty of time to get hers done. So a couple of parts (and I probably know which parts you're talking about because I feel the same way about them) didn't get the justice they deserved.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 31, 2014 16:19:34 GMT -5
You pegged it right Drakz, I'm saving the Dead Idol thing for the PPV. It does suck that Progsy had a bunch of things happen to him all at once, because we really could've done something cool from each guy's perspective. I enjoyed writing that scene with him and when he came to me about what was going on, I promised him that I would put it in there to show we were both trying to get some work done. I also agree that Dean vs Demento is a big money match and should be revisited in the future, but hopefully not the near future . Thanks bro.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 31, 2014 14:57:42 GMT -5
On my matches right meow. I'll give Mike a shout to remind him.
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Post by jdfranchise on Jul 30, 2014 4:21:34 GMT -5
Ok guys, sorry everything is late. I've been busy getting caught up in school. In light of Progsy's concussion and computer troubles, the scene with Josh and Dave was co written and was meant to go on his before life dropped a big pile of sh*t on him this week. Also, I want to give Schneider credit for writing the Percy segment that I used a direct clip out of for the second scene and of course Erica for letting me use Nikki in this piece. So, um yeah, I think that's everyone. Enjoy!
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