My first rp

Erm, this didn't really leave the impression I thought a debut RP should leave. A lot needs to be improved.

First off, your description was really hard to read. Honestly, I didn't know what was going on. You need to at least set a scene. Then, once you do that, elborate on it. Use detail. Describe the surroundings. And, don't start your RP out with the words, "It starts out". That just isn't going to cut it. Once again, just start it out starting to explain the surroundings, using detail, and what not. Try to stay in character too when it comes to your actions. I mean, is a babyface really going to knock someone's head off? Things need to be kept believeable as well. Also, in your description, try spacing it away from the dialouge so it will be much, much easier to read. You might even want to try putting it in bold. Many do that around here, and, even if the RP isn't good, it makes it look good at least.

Your dialouge read as if it was really rushed. It didn't seem as if there was any effort put into it. In my opinion, a lot of the stuff said was just said to be said. It really acquired no meaning. Like, there was absolutely no reason for that kid to drop the f-bomb. You could have used him better than you did in this RP. And, when it comes to the dialouge of El Jobber himself, I don't know. It seems like you've got your own thing going on which is good. It just felt rushed. You need to learn how to space things out, and ease the reader into reading it. Don't rush everything into one paragraph. Also, just like I told you with the description, space the dialouge away from the description. It'll make it more readable.

There's one last thing. If you really want to RP, you should work on your grammar. Good grammar is a must if you want to be a good RP'er. No one wants to read a bunch of misspelled words.

I'd say this was a good attempt at your first RP. You didn't get anywhere with it, but you were brave enough to try. Your character has potential, and in due time, you will start building off of that. Just listen to the advice given to you.