the wrestling fan.com
03.01.07
Another week has passed idly by and the responsibility has once again fallen to me to give you a, ahem, 'detailed analysis' of TNA iMPACT! Now of course WWE have some kind of special event at the end of March that everyone is talking about so the sauron like eye of the IWC isn't very focused on TNA at the moment, and good for the giant eye cos I still have to
ing watch it.
Right then, Christian and Tomko are backstage with Jeremy Borash to kick off Impact this week. Joe demanded a match with Tomko and Christian thinks this is a mistake. Well he would say that. Christian tries to smooth-talk Tomko with promises of ballgames but Tomko says he's going it alone and Cage promises him a title shot if he takes out Joe. Then Christian insults Tomko as he walks away! That dastardly Cage, what's he gonna do next.
After a video recap of last weeks show we get promised a 6 man X-Division classic. I can only assume this means 'far too short cluster
' and to this I say hooray! For 'hooray' read '
this ****'. Apparently, before the show Angel and Steiner brawled through the crowd cos Angle wants revenge. I'm actually marking a little for this feud cos in my youth I was a big fan of WCW Steiner, no matter how much I hate roided bastard it was my childhood, and Angle is just awesome.
Angle is in Cornette's office being chastised for attacking Steiner. He says if Kurt doesn't control himself he's out. Good thing they haven't already started promoting the PPV under that match, otherwise the threat would lose all credibility. Angle grabs Cornette causing Jim to go ape **** and they appear to agree to disagree.
SENSHI, JERRY LYNN & JAY LETHAL vs. CHRIS SABIN, ALEX SHELLEY & AUSTIN STARR
Before the match Alex Shelley gives Mike Tenay a DVD then Sonjay Dutt and Kevin Nash make there way down. Kevin incites a crowd chant for the Macho impression from Lethal and they are obliged. Heaven forbid something funny happens and it's not milked until its bone dry. The heels attack and our match is finally underway. Senshi and Lynn hit dropkicks to Sabin and Starr to send then to the outside, then Senshi throws Shelley and its a nice triple dive spot. Oh great, here comes Bob Backlund. Hilarity is bound to ensue! We go to and come back from commercials and Starr hits a dropkick on Lethal for a two count. Bob Backlund is on commentary and I'd love to tell you what he's saying but I 'accidentally' pressed mute. Shame, that. Sabin is working Jay Lethal over with some right hands then Shelley gets involved and it's a nice series of double teams on Lethal but it only gets a two count. We keep cutting to Backlund on commentary as Shelley and Sabin send Jay into the ropes but he fights them off and Alex accidentally sentons Sabin. Senshi and Starr both tag in and Senshi hits some stiff looking chops. Rights by Lynn then a forearm by Senshi and a side kick to Alex. Lynn hits a TKO on Sabin then goes for a cradle piledrived but it gets stopped and Alex gets a sliced bread #2. Jay hits Alex with a flatliner but Starr hits a Starr Buster on Jay. Backlund grabs Starr then Senshi rolls him up for three.
WINNERS: SENSHI, LYNN & LETHAL (worlds weirdest solicitors)
Backlund once again attempts to shake Senshi's hand but he leaves. Can't say I blame him he may catch whatever disease makes you a CRAP WRESTLER.
A funny video package, no really, about a day in the life of Eric Young up next. Thanks to the contract Eric is forced to be a slave to Roode and Brookes and has to do chores and the like. It's funnier than it sounds on paper, not unlike myself. Seriously, in real life I'm actually fairly amusing.
Hooray! A text vote! Nothing like a text vote to...uhm....actually what the
is their purpose? So who do you think will take the plunge in the Elevation X match. I tell you who it's not gonna be, AJ. Nah I'm kidding, it's gonna be AJ. Is that a spoiler?
it. Then we get a video package with Rhino promising to gore AJ off it. Nothing could go wrong with that plan! Then Sting goes on about that Last Rites match and this angle is OLD! Almost as old as Stings
ing outdated gimmick. Abyss is backstage attacking things. If I didn't know better I'd say he was in emotional turmoil.
SCOTT STEINER vs. CHASE STEVENS
Shockingly, Kurt Angle is here to attack Steiner. There's a brawl that is in NO WAY like the ones Kurt and Joe had every week. Cornette attempts to calm Angle down but he's a WRESTLING MACHINE! WOO! YEAH! So he ends up getting dragged away as Steiner squashes Stevens.
WINNER: CHASE STEVENS (he may not have wont he battle but the war will be his, THE WAR WILL BE HIS)
Steiner gets on the mic and points out that Angle is half the man he used to be. He also makes some cruel, cruel claims about Angles wife that are simply unfounded. I really wouldn't expect that kind of thing from a man like Scott Steiner. For shame. Then ANGLE IS BACK~! Cornette says Angle has lost his mind. Kurt Angle, crazy? How ridiculous! Angle tries to lock in the ankle lock (hey, at least he isn't trying to have bestiality sex with your wife, Jim) and Cornette gets real angry and tells everyone to get Kurt out of his building.
A pretaped interview with Chris Harris who says no one will clear him to wrestle but promises he will get a piece of James Storm. Yeah good luck with that, Stevie Wonder.
Paparazzi Director and all round great guy Alex Shelley makes his way to the ring to show us his new film: 'Massacre in New York'. The film shows LAX attacking Devon's trainer Johnny Rodz in his wrestling school. Don't tell me, Devon's trainer was Yugoslavian so LAX better prepare for a Yugoslavian Cheese Cage Extravaganza Match. Shelley cues LAX but gets Brother Ray instead. Apparently Rodz is a legend and Shelley is a nobody. Well I ask you, which one of them has one of the Top 100 Wrestler Myspace Blogs? I rest my case. Ray wants to know why Shelley gets involved then Kevin Nash comes out. Ray is telling Nash to keep his injured nose out of it when LAX attack! Ray fights them off but an assist from Shelley allows LAX to get back in control as its all filmed on the paparazzi cam. Ray gets spine busted through a table and TONY SOPRANO IS GONNA GET YOU, KONNAN!
Joe comes out and says Cage knows he will lose the title and Tomko's getting taken down. Abyss is attacking some dude then Joe stops him and says he should listen to Sting. Uhm..o..k.
SAMOA JOE vs. TOMKO THE AMAZING DANCING PANDAMAN (he needs a more interesting name)
You know what we haven't had in a while? A pre-bell attack. Oh there's one! Tomko takes the early advantage with an irish whip, clothesline and some forearms. Joe rallies back with some forearms, Tomko hits a big boot and Joe retaliates with a big kick of his own then Tomko is sent outside with a clothesline. Elbow Suicida from Samoa Joe in what has to be the spot of the evening and all Cage can do is watch on as we go to commercial. We return from commercial with Tomko back in the driving seat hitting a spine-buster for two then locking in a weak looking neck vice. Joe fights out of it and hits a big boot and a leaping knee for a two count. They battle it out and Joe hits a powerslam for another two count. Joe hits a high kick and sets Tomko up top then Cage runs out and nails Joe with a chair and the ref didn't see.
WINNER: TIMMY TOMKO, MAN FOR ALL SEASONS
Tomko and Cage try to beat down Joe but it doesn't go too well for them so Steiner runs out and its a triple dream bonanza then Abyss runs out and clears the ring of The Cage Pals. BLACK HOLE SLAM ON JOE and Abyss stands tall!
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: I actually enjoyed the main event a lot.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: So
ing sick of Abyss/Sting.
