Post by bad guy™ on Nov 1, 2010 17:55:38 GMT -5
A video of one of the greatest Monty Python segments ever plays on the titantron, and some incredibly generic song with lyrics that are totally unrelated to the task at hand plays as fireworks implode around the arena. The commentators are shown.
Matthew Werner: … Live from Portland, Oregon! I'm Matthew Werner, and my partner...
Matt Steel: I'm Matt Steel. Welcome to this edition of The Fish Slapping Dance!
The edges of the titantron explode in gold to bring the fireworks show to an end. Good stuff.
Matthew Werner: Boy, do we have a show for you tonight! In the main event, we have Braden Munroe, the number one contender facing off against the man whom he cost the tag team titles at Consequences, Shawn Malakai.
Matt Steel: True. Also, what'll be the fall out from Thunder's storming off with the WFWF Championship and subsequently retiring at that moment?
Matthew Werner: So many questions, but here's the first one that's going to get answered. What'll be O'Deeves mental state in the ring after losing his National Championship to Valorie Evans at Consequences?
Matt Steel: I guess we're about to find out.
This match wasn't even close. O'Deeves was outsized and outmatched. The former champion tried to fight back against Albright but he just couldn't muster the strength that was needed. Albright and Lightning took advantage of their size advantage. O'Deeves got tangled up with Lightning and Lightning dropped O'Deeves with the Turn The Page for the win.
Matthew Werner: Another tough loss there for Jon O'Deeves.
Matt Steel: Hey, at least he's consistant.
After the match, Jon O‘Deeves is shown backstage, looking absolutely furious. He pushes Backstage Crew out of his way, angrily while cursing them under his breath. He gets near catering and selfishly grabs four sandwiches, emptying what was left on the tray. He begins to stuff his face as someone clears their throat near him. O‘Deeves pays no attention as he continues devouring the sandwiches. There is then a tap on his shoulder and he looks up, coming face to face with a very displeased-looking Braden Munroe.
Braden Munroe: Look at you. You are so greedy! What about me? I’m still hungry!
Jon O‘Deeves: Get lost, man. This is my food.
And Mr. Stuff His Face goes back to doing just that, as Tabitha walks up to the other side of O‘Deeves.
Tabitha Owens: Actually, man, those are our Tofurky sandwiches. We ordered them special.
Braden Munroe: Yeah! And now they‘ve got your nasty jobber germs on them.
Jon O‘Deeves is now irate. He throws the remains of the Tofurky sandwiches to the floor, disgusted. His eyes look as though they will pop out of his head at any second. Braden can‘t help but smirk and point this out to him, which only pisses O‘Deeves off more.
Jon O‘Deeves: Jobber, huh? I was the WFWF National Champion!
Braden Munroe: Way to prove my point.
Tabitha Owens: And didn‘t you just lose that belt anyways?
O‘Deeves turns his glare to Tabitha and gets in her face, attempting to intimidate her, but she just cocks an eyebrow, not impressed.
Jon O‘Deeves: I let that skank win the belt because I‘m gonna move onto bigger and better things. So how about if I help this little skank move onto bigger and better things too?
Tabitha nearly barfs on sight.
Tabitha Owens: You can‘t be serious! That is the absolute worst pick-up line I have ever heard in my entire life. You should be gangbanged by eighteen black men, then shot in the face, then ran over by a semi a total of thirteen times, then pissed on by a squirrel with AIDS. You are sick, you know that?
Jon O‘Deeves, being the not-so-bright guy that he is, has become completely dumbfounded. But he grabs Tabitha‘s arm harshly and pulls her closer to him. Instantly, Tabitha takes her free arm and decks him, knocking him off balance. At this point Braden charges in and tackles O‘Deeves to the ground. He begins to strike O‘Deeves in the face repeatedly as Tabitha starts in, kicking any body part she can see. O‘Deeves manages to get out of Braden‘s grip and back to his feet. His efforts to fight back are in vain as Braden and Tabitha do not let up on their assault. They toss him into tables at catering and fiercely slam him into walls, while kicking him constantly. O‘Deeves looks to be down and out, while Tabitha pulls something out of her pocket. It‘s a glove, much like the one he wears while wrestling, only this one has steel plates on the knuckles and top of the hand. Braden puts it on and stiffly slaps O‘Deeves in the face repeatedly before performing the Super Spinning Cyclone Strike, which knocks O‘Deeves to the floor and seemingly out cold.
Braden and Tabitha smile to one another, proud of their work.
Tabitha Owens: Just for the record…I don‘t need a man to come to my aid and I don‘t think he was important enough to take out like we did to Trace and Stone.
Braden Munroe: Uhm. I was only doing that because he ate my Tofurky. So, come on…let‘s go get some more.
With that, the pair walk off in an effort to find more food. We go back to the commentators.
Matthew Werner: That's what you get if you come between a man and his...
Matt Steel: Tofurkey sandwich.
Matthew Werner: What the hell is tofurkey anyways?
Matt Steel: Something that probably tastes incredibly nasty, but Braden likes it so...maybe I'll give it a try.
Matthew Werner: I don't know. Maybe. But here's one thing I do know. Consequences brought some serious issues up with the people in this next match.
Matt Steel: And some issues for you too. Did you ever figure out who you were talking to during those two matches?
Matthew Werner: Nope. I still haven't got a clue. Anyways, as I was saying. Issues for all involved. Well, except for Chris Jackal. He was just put in this so we didn't have another handicapped match. And all of this, it circles around Valorie Evans.
Matt Steel: I'd like to circle around her! Oh!
Matthew Werner: No one's going to buy that, Matt. We all know.
Matt Steel: Hey. I just thought I'd try being a switch hitter.
Matthew Werner: Ok...let's try this again. Valorie Evans managed to secure herself the WFWF National Championship at Consequences by winning the number two contenders battle royal, lastly eliminating Lawrence Cage. Then she actually won the title by defeating the then champ Jon O'Deeves and her other opponent tonight, Luke McCarthy. That sound about right?
Matt Steel: Nope.
Matthew Werner: Explain.
Matt Steel: It's Luke Collins now, remember?
Matthew Werner: Wait. When did this happen, and how did I miss it? Better yet, why?
Matt Steel: The answer to all three is 'who the hell knows?”
Matthew Werner: I feel so left out. Kind of like LLLBD when he's not sent the stuff needed to help EBR put together a decent show, thus putting it on EBR's shoulders.
Matt Steel: Subliminal messaging. Very nice.
The match was supposed to be next, but we're cutting to the back real fast.
After another one of those incredibly boring commentary back and forths, the Fish Slapping Dance returns and we are brought to the Backstage Area where the new WFWF National Champion, Valorie Evans is shown seemingly preparing for her upcoming match in ways that only she can: getting her lips prepared for a quick make-out session with her championship. She wanted to leave the perfect kiss mark on the face of her championship, so their love would be displayed for the entire world to see, but then killjoy (make some noise), Tabitha Owens is seen, approaching the young newcomer. The look on her face is much like the one that appears when Braden Munroe has said something moronic/offensive, etc. Pouting, Valorie puts down her bright red lipstick, and waits for the hate.
Tabitha Owens: Nice belt.
Valorie wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic, or actually praising her championship, but before Valorie could utter a single syllable Tabitha quickly cuts her off.
Tabitha Owens: That is what I would say if that belt actually meant anything. But everyone knows it was just a way to give the useless guys on the roster a reason to feel that they were actually adding some importance to this place. I mean, you beat Jon O’Deeves! I could do that if I were a blind, deaf and mentally-intellectually- disabled paraplegic.
Ready to defend her man, the WFWF National Championship, Valorie tries again to say something, but Tabitha is quick to continue.
Tabitha Owens: Now look. I, personally, am not trying to degrade you. I’m just telling you how it is. It’s like this. The only reason WFWF gave you that oh-so prestigious belt is to keep me from continuing my sexist accusations against them. They know that I could have a case and they don’t want to get in trouble. So how do they answer? They pay these mindless idiots off to lose to you and then they pass down a Championship that means nothing to the “cute” woman on the roster. It’s just a publicity stunt, sweetheart, and nothing more. If you think about it, back in the day…there were some great female pioneers in this place. The Black Widow, Jade, Meg Warner, Charlotte Woods, Cherri Bomb, and even that crazy woman who gave birth to me, Vivica. What happened to all of them, huh? They all just up and disappeared because this place has never treated women with dignity or respect.
At this point, Tabitha Owens steps closer to Valorie Evans, and rolls her eyes at the WFWF National Championship belt. Evans wasn't pleased at all, and placed her championship on her shoulder, as if to showcase how awesome the title actually was.
Tabitha Owens:
[/b] I often wonder why Vanessa isn’t asked to be on the shows week after week. She could be main eventing this place and putting asses in the seats because she’s another great female. Then there’s me. I’ve been here…on and off, of course, for quite awhile and they have never once offered to put me in the ring. Why? I’m more than capable of putting on a great match. I know why. They don’t want us to show up the guys because that’s exactly what would happen. But with you, it’s different. You’re a fresh-faced little girl who has no idea what she’s stepping into. You’re an easy target and they will take advantage of you in every single way, believe me. This belt is just on you to boost your confidence a little but eventually, King Kraig or whoever’s idea this was will make you feel as though you owe them some kind of gratitude. And you will be sucked right into this ugly “man’s” world until you fade away just like the rest of the women who worked their asses off years ago.Matthew Werner: … Live from Portland, Oregon! I'm Matthew Werner, and my partner...
Matt Steel: I'm Matt Steel. Welcome to this edition of The Fish Slapping Dance!
The edges of the titantron explode in gold to bring the fireworks show to an end. Good stuff.
Matthew Werner: Boy, do we have a show for you tonight! In the main event, we have Braden Munroe, the number one contender facing off against the man whom he cost the tag team titles at Consequences, Shawn Malakai.
Matt Steel: True. Also, what'll be the fall out from Thunder's storming off with the WFWF Championship and subsequently retiring at that moment?
Matthew Werner: So many questions, but here's the first one that's going to get answered. What'll be O'Deeves mental state in the ring after losing his National Championship to Valorie Evans at Consequences?
Matt Steel: I guess we're about to find out.
This match wasn't even close. O'Deeves was outsized and outmatched. The former champion tried to fight back against Albright but he just couldn't muster the strength that was needed. Albright and Lightning took advantage of their size advantage. O'Deeves got tangled up with Lightning and Lightning dropped O'Deeves with the Turn The Page for the win.
Matthew Werner: Another tough loss there for Jon O'Deeves.
Matt Steel: Hey, at least he's consistant.
After the match, Jon O‘Deeves is shown backstage, looking absolutely furious. He pushes Backstage Crew out of his way, angrily while cursing them under his breath. He gets near catering and selfishly grabs four sandwiches, emptying what was left on the tray. He begins to stuff his face as someone clears their throat near him. O‘Deeves pays no attention as he continues devouring the sandwiches. There is then a tap on his shoulder and he looks up, coming face to face with a very displeased-looking Braden Munroe.
Braden Munroe: Look at you. You are so greedy! What about me? I’m still hungry!
Jon O‘Deeves: Get lost, man. This is my food.
And Mr. Stuff His Face goes back to doing just that, as Tabitha walks up to the other side of O‘Deeves.
Tabitha Owens: Actually, man, those are our Tofurky sandwiches. We ordered them special.
Braden Munroe: Yeah! And now they‘ve got your nasty jobber germs on them.
Jon O‘Deeves is now irate. He throws the remains of the Tofurky sandwiches to the floor, disgusted. His eyes look as though they will pop out of his head at any second. Braden can‘t help but smirk and point this out to him, which only pisses O‘Deeves off more.
Jon O‘Deeves: Jobber, huh? I was the WFWF National Champion!
Braden Munroe: Way to prove my point.
Tabitha Owens: And didn‘t you just lose that belt anyways?
O‘Deeves turns his glare to Tabitha and gets in her face, attempting to intimidate her, but she just cocks an eyebrow, not impressed.
Jon O‘Deeves: I let that skank win the belt because I‘m gonna move onto bigger and better things. So how about if I help this little skank move onto bigger and better things too?
Tabitha nearly barfs on sight.
Tabitha Owens: You can‘t be serious! That is the absolute worst pick-up line I have ever heard in my entire life. You should be gangbanged by eighteen black men, then shot in the face, then ran over by a semi a total of thirteen times, then pissed on by a squirrel with AIDS. You are sick, you know that?
Jon O‘Deeves, being the not-so-bright guy that he is, has become completely dumbfounded. But he grabs Tabitha‘s arm harshly and pulls her closer to him. Instantly, Tabitha takes her free arm and decks him, knocking him off balance. At this point Braden charges in and tackles O‘Deeves to the ground. He begins to strike O‘Deeves in the face repeatedly as Tabitha starts in, kicking any body part she can see. O‘Deeves manages to get out of Braden‘s grip and back to his feet. His efforts to fight back are in vain as Braden and Tabitha do not let up on their assault. They toss him into tables at catering and fiercely slam him into walls, while kicking him constantly. O‘Deeves looks to be down and out, while Tabitha pulls something out of her pocket. It‘s a glove, much like the one he wears while wrestling, only this one has steel plates on the knuckles and top of the hand. Braden puts it on and stiffly slaps O‘Deeves in the face repeatedly before performing the Super Spinning Cyclone Strike, which knocks O‘Deeves to the floor and seemingly out cold.
Braden and Tabitha smile to one another, proud of their work.
Tabitha Owens: Just for the record…I don‘t need a man to come to my aid and I don‘t think he was important enough to take out like we did to Trace and Stone.
Braden Munroe: Uhm. I was only doing that because he ate my Tofurky. So, come on…let‘s go get some more.
With that, the pair walk off in an effort to find more food. We go back to the commentators.
Matthew Werner: That's what you get if you come between a man and his...
Matt Steel: Tofurkey sandwich.
Matthew Werner: What the hell is tofurkey anyways?
Matt Steel: Something that probably tastes incredibly nasty, but Braden likes it so...maybe I'll give it a try.
Matthew Werner: I don't know. Maybe. But here's one thing I do know. Consequences brought some serious issues up with the people in this next match.
Matt Steel: And some issues for you too. Did you ever figure out who you were talking to during those two matches?
Matthew Werner: Nope. I still haven't got a clue. Anyways, as I was saying. Issues for all involved. Well, except for Chris Jackal. He was just put in this so we didn't have another handicapped match. And all of this, it circles around Valorie Evans.
Matt Steel: I'd like to circle around her! Oh!
Matthew Werner: No one's going to buy that, Matt. We all know.
Matt Steel: Hey. I just thought I'd try being a switch hitter.
Matthew Werner: Ok...let's try this again. Valorie Evans managed to secure herself the WFWF National Championship at Consequences by winning the number two contenders battle royal, lastly eliminating Lawrence Cage. Then she actually won the title by defeating the then champ Jon O'Deeves and her other opponent tonight, Luke McCarthy. That sound about right?
Matt Steel: Nope.
Matthew Werner: Explain.
Matt Steel: It's Luke Collins now, remember?
Matthew Werner: Wait. When did this happen, and how did I miss it? Better yet, why?
Matt Steel: The answer to all three is 'who the hell knows?”
Matthew Werner: I feel so left out. Kind of like LLLBD when he's not sent the stuff needed to help EBR put together a decent show, thus putting it on EBR's shoulders.
Matt Steel: Subliminal messaging. Very nice.
The match was supposed to be next, but we're cutting to the back real fast.
After another one of those incredibly boring commentary back and forths, the Fish Slapping Dance returns and we are brought to the Backstage Area where the new WFWF National Champion, Valorie Evans is shown seemingly preparing for her upcoming match in ways that only she can: getting her lips prepared for a quick make-out session with her championship. She wanted to leave the perfect kiss mark on the face of her championship, so their love would be displayed for the entire world to see, but then killjoy (make some noise), Tabitha Owens is seen, approaching the young newcomer. The look on her face is much like the one that appears when Braden Munroe has said something moronic/offensive, etc. Pouting, Valorie puts down her bright red lipstick, and waits for the hate.
Tabitha Owens: Nice belt.
Valorie wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic, or actually praising her championship, but before Valorie could utter a single syllable Tabitha quickly cuts her off.
Tabitha Owens: That is what I would say if that belt actually meant anything. But everyone knows it was just a way to give the useless guys on the roster a reason to feel that they were actually adding some importance to this place. I mean, you beat Jon O’Deeves! I could do that if I were a blind, deaf and mentally-intellectually- disabled paraplegic.
Ready to defend her man, the WFWF National Championship, Valorie tries again to say something, but Tabitha is quick to continue.
Tabitha Owens: Now look. I, personally, am not trying to degrade you. I’m just telling you how it is. It’s like this. The only reason WFWF gave you that oh-so prestigious belt is to keep me from continuing my sexist accusations against them. They know that I could have a case and they don’t want to get in trouble. So how do they answer? They pay these mindless idiots off to lose to you and then they pass down a Championship that means nothing to the “cute” woman on the roster. It’s just a publicity stunt, sweetheart, and nothing more. If you think about it, back in the day…there were some great female pioneers in this place. The Black Widow, Jade, Meg Warner, Charlotte Woods, Cherri Bomb, and even that crazy woman who gave birth to me, Vivica. What happened to all of them, huh? They all just up and disappeared because this place has never treated women with dignity or respect.
At this point, Tabitha Owens steps closer to Valorie Evans, and rolls her eyes at the WFWF National Championship belt. Evans wasn't pleased at all, and placed her championship on her shoulder, as if to showcase how awesome the title actually was.
Tabitha Owens:
Tabitha, somewhat harshly, grabs the WFWF National Championship Belt and looks it over as if it were a really, really ugly newborn baby. Valorie wasn't fond of this at all! She could hear the screams of her championship echoing in her mind as Tabitha held it within her grasp without an once of love. Biting her lower lip, she begins to regret ever putting the title on her shoulder, but she couldn't do anything without coming off as a boy-obsessed freak.
Tabitha Owens:[/b] Listen, I truly don’t care for you…and that’s mostly because you seem like an idiot. But since you are a female and you still might have the chance to prove that you are above the testosterone-driven ego’s, I’m going to do you a favor. And don’t sweat, I’m not coming after your belt. I’m far more superior to that already. But, I am offering you a challenge for the next show…whatever the hell they plan on calling it. Just you and me, one on one. The first female against female match the WFWF has had in quite some time. This is not only an opportunity me to show these idiots what I can do. But it’s a chance for the two of us to prove that the girls can go just like the guys can. And quite possibly, if you work hard against me and give me everything you’ve got and more…you might just make me believe that you are worthy of being in that ring in the first place.
Tabitha Owens hands the belt back to Valorie, who then proceeds to hug the title before trying to place it on her shoulder, this time with a tighter grip around the strap. She could already feel the championship's sense of relief.
Tabitha Owens:[/b] So what do you say, Ms. Evans? Take me on next week and make the WFWF sorry they don’t give the girls real competition or refuse and give into their sexist ploy?
Honestly, Valorie didn't comprehend any of what Tabitha had said. She was too entranced by her championship being held hostage to pay attention to her accusations. Pausing a moment to try and remember, Valorie closes her eyes and places her right middle and index fingers on her forehead to try and concentrate. Something about...a match? Hopefully that was correct. Trying to sound confident, she then adjusts the championship on her shoulder, trying to intimidate, and puts a cool undertone in her voice.
Valorie Evans:[/b] Absolutely.
Luckily, she had a mini-Office marathon the night before, and decided to take Jim's advice to Pam on how to deal with Dwight Shrute.
Matt Steel: Well, NOW we have the match.
This match was a bit more even. It started with Jackal and Cage. A few punches and locks were exchanged, but Cage took advantage, flooring Jackal with a snapmare/dropkick combo. Cage tags in Collins who puts a hurting on Jackal some more, at one point, blaintantly putting his hands around the neck of Jackal and choking him. Collins released after the ref forced him to. Evans later called the referee over and kept his attention while Jackal pulled himself to his feet. Collins, completely unaware gets low blown by Jackal and Evans then came in and wrapped herself around Collins and made him tap out to the Christo.
Matthew Werner: Nice win there for Evans and Jackal, both of whom are still undefeated in the WFWF as of now. Curious to see how long that lasts.
Matt Steel: Something tells me to expect big things from all participants, our National Champion included, and damn. That Christo's an impressive move.
Matthew Werner: Word. Now, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
Commercial break. King Kraig approves this message.
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