Justin Sanity
Mid-Carder
PEE WEE 3:16
Joined on: Jul 24, 2010 11:11:42 GMT -5
Posts: 415
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Post by Justin Sanity on Nov 22, 2010 21:57:47 GMT -5
this is a redo of "Wormwood" i felt like it wasn't good enough and well, this most likely isn't going to be good enough for all of you either. Sit Back, Relax, and watch this end more quickly than Chevy Chase's talk show. We see Johnny Albright in his white Tripp chain pants, "To The Lions" t-shirt, wrist bands and his personal good luck charms, standing on his balcony of his hotel smoking a Cigarette. He's thinking about some strategies that him and Lightening can use to win their tag match coming up.I think we should focus more on tag team moves. inhales Cigarette I guess we can do like an inverted 3-D....yeah that will go over like a Lead balloon. He hears Lightening in the hotel room next to him smashing whatever he could find. After awhile, albright gets fed up and kicks the door inYo bro! you f**king mind stop smashing s**t!? oh, you're finished. well what the hell was that fit of rage about? i was watching the play back of "hips don't lie"There's a movie called "hips don't lie?" And its that terrible? No you dumb ass I'm talking about the show we just worked.Oh, I remember now, anyway, we need tag team moves! they discuss tag team moves until lightening decides to leave his hotel room. Albright goes back to his room, jumps onto his bed and thinks of strategies to win the up coming matchMaybe if I hit the "world coming down" on one of them, chuck him out of the ring, grab the other, hit the "Hatesphere" it'll be over for sure! Then, National title here I come. Albright, even though you're a lunatic, you're also a  ing guineas. He chuckles as he finishes his second cigarette as the screen fades to black |
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B-Radimus Prime
Main Eventer
R.I.P. Luna :(
Joined on: Jun 20, 2006 21:37:05 GMT -5
Posts: 2,572
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Post by B-Radimus Prime on Nov 22, 2010 23:45:07 GMT -5
It really doesn't work this way. You can't just rush through and post something as "redo" just because people are constantly criticizing and trying to help you learn how to become a better writer. You clearly didn't take any time on this. This is just unnecessary. If you feel that you aren't doing well, ask someone for help. Wasn't Rev looking to help out someone in need to become a better writer/RPer not too long ago? I don't know what exactly you're trying to accomplish with your work or your character because it truly doesn't seem like there is much effort being put into this. My advice to the newer people (and I know I've replied to your RP's before) has been to go back through the archives and read other people's work and see how many different ways there are to write and how they go about expressing their characters and stories. Take time on your work. You don't have to post your RP first thing after the card is posted. Have patience, plan out what you want to do each week and where you want your character to be. Make up a life and a story for him and try and fit that in with what's going on against his opponents. There is no detail here. The dialogue is painful. There are plenty of people on here that would help you out if you just asked and were willing to actually listen to the help they provided. Once again, I'm going to say...go back and read work from Drakz, Johnny Michaels, Alex Sean, Wayne McGurk, Kyzer, Thunder, and anyone else that you can find. If you want to learn how to do this, it is going to take time. In the mean time, go read these pages. Mike's RP SchoolMike's RP School 2And best of luck. |
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Thunder
Main Eventer
WF 10 Year Member
WFWF Record: 59-60-1
Joined on: Aug 6, 2003 9:44:07 GMT -5
Posts: 2,941
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Post by Thunder on Nov 22, 2010 23:58:21 GMT -5
Okay, I am actually going to give this a detailed reply. I hope you won't get angry at this and just try to take the advice.
Honestly, this is just far too simplistic. It's good that you're discussing the match, but it basically just boils down to "let's think of tag moves" and that's all that really happens. You don't have to write something all that long or deep, but when that's all there is you're really just left going ". . . that's it?" Spending more time on an RP would help with that, as I would guess this was written fairly quickly.
The grammar is an issue and that is definitely something that can be fixed easily. Proofread your stuff, and run it through a spell/grammar check if you have that. But it's just really simple stuff. Let's take this portion, for example:
The first sentence isn't capitalized and the second second isn't punctuated. Lightning, your partner's name, is spelled wrong throughout, and it isn't capitalized here either. Also, the word is upcoming, not up coming.
The point is, things like capitalizing your sentences correctly, punctuating your sentences correctly, and spelling your partner's name correctly are simple things that should be caught easily if you proofread your RPs. For me, having those things pop up all the time does distract from the RP.
And there's also the issue that we open up with "We see Johnny Albright . . ." and close with "as the screen fades to black." This implies we were watching a video of this, which doesn't make much sense to begin with, and makes even less sense when you consider that we are told Albright is thinking these things, which means an outside viewer wouldn't hear his dialogue anyway.
Like Braden said, you have to read other RPs to figure out what to do. And again, you have to try to listen to this criticism and not take offense to it. You won't last if you keep up with your recent reactions to people's posts.
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Post by " The Chosen One" Jeff Relling on Nov 23, 2010 23:28:49 GMT -5
You're gettting better. But don't take the comments too literally. They are just critcizing what they think is wrong. Look in our lifetime, we can't please everyone. I tend to think to myself that I am writing for a book that will be compiled up to make the WFWF Bible or whatever. Gammer will get better, but some people just can't take it and just quit. Then they go on a fit of rage and criticizes everyone.
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Post by sonstuds on Nov 23, 2010 23:36:02 GMT -5
You're gettting better. But don't take the comments too literally. They are just critcizing what they think is wrong. Look in our lifetime, we can't please everyone. I tend to think to myself that I am writing for a book that will be compiled up to make the WFWF Bible or whatever. Gammer will get better, but some people just can't take it and just quit. Then they go on a fit of rage and criticizes everyone. Please just hear me and the others out,......don't be a Calvin. Do you actually know who Calvin is and get the joke or are you just taking Rev's line? |
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Calvin
Main Eventer
visit my myspace and listen to my music
Joined on: Dec 18, 2001 15:13:21 GMT -5
Posts: 3,791
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Post by Calvin on Nov 28, 2010 14:06:35 GMT -5
well..
the rp looks a bit out of placed, and a bit rushed. YOu have a full week to rp, I suggest taking that full week to plan out an idea, write it up and reread it when you are finished. And I suggest writing in microsoft word, that way you have spell check, and whatnot.
A lot of quick things happen here. First they are planning what I'm assuming is their tag team finisher. Which is cool and all, but there's much more important things to get at then how to beat them. Why you gonna beat them? WHy are they weak? Why are you strong? What makes you so much better then they are.
Follow your storylines as well. We know what they want, the tag team titles. Well how are they going to accomplish that, why exactly did they choose the tag team titles. (OTher then the obvious fact that they are a tag team lol).
The biggest problem I see with the new comers around here, and sadly I agree with rev on this part is it seems a lot of them just rush to get a half page rp up. A year ago, the average rp was like 3-4 pages. Well thought out rps, that had a ton of crapgoing on. Really interesting to read. Half page rps that take 30 seconds to read don't really draw your attention. Thats what you really want to do in your rp. Draw the readers attention in, and THEN get right down to the point of the rp. Every rp should have a THEME. A meaning. It shouldn't just be random, it should be trying to prove a POINT. It could be anything, storyline related, personally related.. any theme whatsoever really, but make sure it ties to your match. I don't think I read anything in this rp about your opponents. (I'm assuming you have one.. correct me if I'm wrong).
Not much else to really say, I suggest not using yellow on this site, its hard to read behind the white. Pick a darker colour.
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Calvin
Main Eventer
visit my myspace and listen to my music
Joined on: Dec 18, 2001 15:13:21 GMT -5
Posts: 3,791
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Post by Calvin on Nov 28, 2010 14:08:11 GMT -5
You're gettting better. But don't take the comments too literally. They are just critcizing what they think is wrong. Look in our lifetime, we can't please everyone. I tend to think to myself that I am writing for a book that will be compiled up to make the WFWF Bible or whatever. Gammer will get better, but some people just can't take it and just quit. Then they go on a fit of rage and criticizes everyone. Please just hear me and the others out,......don't be a Calvin. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!!! When was I here to go on a fit of rage when you were here? Btw, its GRAMMAR. lol. What do you have against me buddy. Or are you just trying to be like the rev? lol |
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Calvin
Main Eventer
visit my myspace and listen to my music
Joined on: Dec 18, 2001 15:13:21 GMT -5
Posts: 3,791
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Post by Calvin on Nov 28, 2010 14:12:40 GMT -5
btw, sorry to triple post.
But on the idea of redoing your rp. If you truly want to improve on your rps, find someone on this forum who is willing to take the time to hel pyou improve. WHen you finish your rp, PM IT TO THEM AND DON'T POST IT. This gives you a second opinion on your rp. And you can change things up.
It's not ILLEGAL to repost an rp. I mean, you have all right to reedit your rp. THe problem is, no one wants to read it twice. Thats why they frown apon posting an edited version. I'm sure someone on the forum will be more then happy to help you.
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Post by sonstuds on Nov 29, 2010 20:07:42 GMT -5
Everyone already said everything I would say and phrased better. So word.
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Revvie®
Main Eventer
Somewhere between Reality, and the Absurd
Joined on: Jun 29, 2005 1:04:26 GMT -5
Posts: 4,327
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Post by Revvie® on Dec 1, 2010 13:50:11 GMT -5
I'd comment but I think everyone covered it.
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Post by spaceman13 on Dec 3, 2010 7:14:24 GMT -5
one word... LENGTH!(did I spell that right)(just googled it and guess what? I DID SPELL IT RIGHT!!!)
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Post by bad guy™ on Dec 4, 2010 14:32:07 GMT -5
one word... LENGTH!(did I spell that right)(just googled it and guess what? I DID SPELL IT RIGHT!!!) Sure, but length isn't the key thing. It's all about quality, not quantity. If you write a one page RP that is completely amazing, and your opponent writes a 12 page RP that's blah, you're going to win. Hell, take me for example a couple of weeks ago when I faced Wayne, his RP came out to about three or four pages, mine came out to 13. His wiped the floor with mine in the quality department and thus he won. Now if you can write a lengthy RP that has great substance and quality (guys like Al and Kyzer for example) then you're golden. But yeah, it's all about quality in the end, not quantity. As you get better with your writing, the length of an RP will naturally come with it. Don't fret about word count, as that's not the key, important factor. |
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