Post by Rated R on Feb 6, 2012 16:37:36 GMT -5
JANUARY 5th 2010
I wonder sometimes. I wonder about whether our lives are set in stone, whether it’s all decided the moment that we’re born until the moment that we die. Do we have free will? Would we know it if we did? Sometimes I like to think that there is no such thing as free will, that everything happens exactly the way it’s meant to be and that we can’t change a single thing about it. I know that’s a scary thought for some, the thought that no matter what we do we can’t change a single thing about our future but for me, sometimes, it’s all that holds me together.
Because at least then I can lie to myself. Lie that no matter what I did Anna would have still ended up overdosing, that we’d still have ended up in this hospital. That she’d still have ended up miscarrying my child. That it wasn’t all my fault.
How do you tell somebody that they’ve lost their child? How do you sit there and tell them that the gift of life they had inside of them has been snuffed out? I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t look that person in the eyes and tell them that their child has died before they had the chance to live. And how do you live with yourself when you know that it was your fault? That if you hadn’t pushed her she would never have tried to kill herself in the first place?
Nurse: Miss Dawson, Mr. Demon, you can see her now.
We sat in the hospital in silence for over two hour after the doctor gave us the news. He told us that Anna was going to be alright but that the baby was lost and that it would be a few hours before she could take any visitors. I guess he thought that would be nicer than just letting us sit there without knowing. I think, in some twisted way, that I preferred the now knowing. At least then I had hope. After I’d heard the news I felt hollow, lacking. Like somebody had ripped all the light from by body and left me with my own darkness.
Katherine Dawson: Thank you.
Katherine was dealing with it better than I ever could have expected from her. She seemed calm, collected, settled in her own thoughts. Her thoughts, her worries, were with her sister. Not with her sisters unborn baby conceived with a now recovering junkie in a toilet stall. She had been relieved about Anna being okay. However hard she tried to hide that from me I could see it in her eyes. There was a hint of guilt, that guilt you feel when something goes your way but hurts somebody else. I don’t blame her. Anna was all she had.
I know what having nobody feels like. I wouldn’t have wished that on her no matter how angry I felt.
Katherine Dawson: Are you coming?
She couldn’t hide the reluctance in her voice as she asked me. She didn’t want me there, she didn’t think that I had any right to talk to her sister. While she hadn’t said anything I knew that she blamed me for what had happened. I blamed myself as well, it was one of the first things that we had truly agreed on.
Trace Demon: No, I’ll see her later, when she’s feeling more up to it.
Katherine’s surprised, not used to my clean, non drug influenced decisions. I let her believe that I was doing this because I didn’t think Anna could handle seeing me right now and don’t tell her that it was, in truth, the other way round.
Katherine Dawson: Okay, I’ll tell her you’re here, alright?
I nodded and let her leave, still in split minds over what I’m about to do. Even to me it felt wrong, Hell, I doubt even the Trace Demon dosed up on every pill under the sun would have done what I did. When I was sure that Katherine had left I got up out of my seat and walked over to the nurses station. At the desk sat a nurse in her mid thirties. The kind of woman who makes an effort to look good to hide the fact that something in her life is slowly knowing away at her.
Trace Demon: Could I borrow a pen and some paper please?
She smiled as she handed over the pen and a scrap of paper. Up close I could see the hollowness in her eyes. If she was more observant she would have been able to see the same in mine. I quickly jotted something down on the paper, fold it in half and hand it back over to the nurse.
Trace Demon: Can you hand this to Miss Dawson when she comes back in?
Nurse: Of course.
I nodded in appreciation and walk out the door. As I exited the hospital my mind drifted back to those words I wrote, wondering if I had done the right thing.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Look after her.”
I wonder a lot about free will, about whether our actions are predetermined. Sometimes, as much as I wish they were, I can’t help but think that free will does exist. Sure, when it comes down to a choice between turning right or left it could easily have been decided which way we’re going to turn before we even think we’ve decided. But when it comes to a decision about whether you stay and face the worst mistake of your life, or you run out and just leave them with an apology on a piece of paper.
Well, that one is all on you.
< *** >
NOW
I’d been putting this off far too long. For weeks I’d told Katherine and Liam that I would meet Anna, that I would let her say what she has to say, that I would listen to her apology because that is the least that she deserved. But I’d been putting it off, lying to myself that I had to prepare and find the time, that I had to focus on getting my daughter settled in before I could even consider it. But none of that was true. I was scared, scared that it would go wrong, that I would ruin both of our lives all over again.
I’ve never been afraid of anything in my life. I wasn’t afraid of my father when he’d drink and smack me around. I wasn’t afraid of trying to raise myself when I left home and headed here to Los Angeles at the age of eighteen. I wasn’t afraid when I found out I was going to be a father, that I was going to have a young life relying on me when I could barely rely on myself. I don’t do fear. Fear breeds weakness. But when it came to Anna Dawson I was afraid. Not for myself, but for her, afraid of what meeting me would truly do for her. After the last time...
Then I realized that I needed this as much as she did. That if we didn’t have this meeting then neither of us could truly move on with our lives. After everything that had gone on we needed closure, we needed to shut away the last vestiges of our former life. This was important, far more important than going clean or rehab or any of that. This was what we needed.
So that is why I found myself there, standing outside a small coffee shop a few blocks away from my apartment. I came alone despite Alexa’s pleas to let her accompany me. We wouldn’t get any real resolution with Alexa there. It would have been the same if Katherine had accompanied Anna. And so we had agreed to meet alone in a public place. A single chance for closure.
Anna Dawson: Trace?
My head twisted in the direction of the voice, my eyes settling on her. Suddenly two years of regret swelled up within me, like a thousand bricks crashing down from above. My throat tightened as I tried to find the right words. Every joint in my body seemed to freeze up, reacting to a signal from my brain that I never sent. The scar on my stomach almost feels like it’s burning. Then, all at once, everything subsides and I’m calm. Truly calm.
Trace Demon: Anna.
She looked different to the last time I saw her, and not just in appearance. She was calmer, more serene, like she’d found the light in the darkness, the truth amongst the lies. It’s a look that I recognized from looking at myself in the mirror every day. It’s the look of somebody who has rid themselves of their demons, who has finally kicked a habit that threatened to drag them under. It’s a look I can appreciate.
Anna Dawson: Shall we... go in?
She’s nervous, unsure of exactly how I was going to react. Katherine told her that I’d changed, that I was a different person to the one she once knew, that I was living a different life. The Trace Demon that she once knew, the one who’d pop pills every day and didn’t give a damn about anybody, no longer exists. She has never had to deal with this Trace Demon. The one with a family, with responsibilities, the one who works every day to make sure he never falls back into old habits.
Trace Demon: Sure.
I pushed the door open and waited for her to walk through, hoping that this would go better than the last time we saw each other.
< *** >
JANUARY 18th 2010
There’s a saying – ignorance is bliss. That’s a lie. A massive freakish lie. Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s just a hope in the back of our minds that what we don’t know can’t possibly hurt us. But do you want to know the truth? What we don’t know can definitely hurt us. In fact what we don’t know can hurt us far more than what we do. It had been a week since I had left Anna in that hospital, certain that she would be better off without me and I without her. If I had known that she was okay I would probably have been perfectly fine. But not knowing hurt, and not knowing what was about to happen hurt even more.
I was still staying with my sister Faith for the time being. I’d spent the past few days hunting for apartments but my heart wasn’t in it. My thoughts couldn’t stay focused on a single thing, every time I tried my mind would wander off, start thinking about all the things I’d ruined and lost. Anna, Katherine, my own child, nearly myself. For two years my entire life had been a damn mess and now it was time to pick up the pieces.
It didn’t help that I was still suffering through withdrawal. It had been worst the past week after what had happened. The urges had gotten stronger, the mood swings worse. The first few nights all I had wanted to do was pop some pills and drift off into the white void of the haze. Since then it had always been in the back of my mind, whispering to me that just one pill and everything will be better. Telling me that one pill isn’t going to hurt, that I can cope and start over. But I know different. I know that if I fall I fall for good, there wouldn’t be any coming back. A relapse would be the end of me.
I tried lying to Faith at first, but she has always been able to see right through me. As soon as I told her what had happened she knew that my urges would start again. She tried not to leave me alone, didn’t even bothering trying to hide her worries. I can admit that her presence helped me. When you have nobody to stray strong for then it becomes difficult not to fall back into old habits, especially when things get tough. Even if I was just lying to her when I told her I wasn’t getting the urges it meant I tried harder not to disappoint her.
It was a Monday before she left me alone. She, Axel and Liam had been trying to split their time, finding new reasons to waste my days away so that I wouldn’t have any to myself. Eventually the time came when none of them could get any time off of work. Faith was uncertain at first. She wanted to trust me, but she’d spent over two years watching me waste my life away and she couldn’t bear the thought that her leaving me alone would lead me down that route again. It took me two hours convincing her that it would be fine. Two hours in which I used every lie I’d ever used to convince somebody I wasn’t going to use. Only this time, I meant it.
It felt good not having people hanging around me, worrying, trying to prove that a life without pills was just as enjoyable. They didn’t realize that I’d found that out myself. I’d been clean for over a month and in that time I’d witnessed the world change around me. When I was under the influence everything was flat, colourless, hollow. I always thought that was the way the entire world was. That people went through life lying that there was something more. Only that was a lie. Because it wasn’t the world that was cold, it was me. Since sobering up things started making sense again. I saw that the life I was living wasn’t a life at all.
It was a waste.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
It was a Monday before she left me alone. It was a Monday when the knock came. I still don’t understand how she knew. Had she been waiting around, waiting for me to be left alone before coming around? Or was it just luck? I can’t get over this feeling that it was meant to be in some way, some twisted joke that fate decided to play on me. A disgusting dark karma.
I didn’t think twice about opening the door. I just assumed it was one of the others who’d found another reason to use up my day. They still didn’t trust me at this point. In fact it would take some time before they actually would. For Wayne it wasn’t until I got my six month sober chip. For Liam it was the first time we went to a nightclub and he saw me turn down one of my old suppliers even though I didn’t know he was watching. And for Faith and Axel it was the moment I got back with Alexa, because out of everybody in the world she is the one woman who would never have taken me back if she ever thought I was using.
But it wasn’t any of them. No, this was someone else.
Trace Demon: Anna...
There are those moments when you don’t have words, when something comes so out of the blue that you just forget how to talk. I’ve never had a lot of those moments. I’ve gone through life always knowing what to say at the right moments, always knowing how to handle any situation. But in those past few weeks, I’d had enough of those moments to last me a life time.
Anna Dawson: Let me in.
I didn’t get a chance to say no as she barged past me. I hadn’t seen her since that day but it didn’t look like the past few weeks had treated her well. Her hair was tangled and messy, her skin pale and blotchy, her clothes dank and dirty. I knew the signs. She was still using.
Trace Demon: What are you doing...
Anna Dawson: You left me there!
She’s frantic, unstable, worse than that day when she had downed a bottle of pills and put a shard of glass across her veins. I had dealt with plenty of junkies before but that was back when I was one of them.
Trace Demon: I know, but it was for...
Anna Dawson: Don’t you dare tell me it was for the best!
It was like looking in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw. I had turned her into this. Before she met me Anna was just a girl who didn’t know what she was doing with her life. But at least then she had a chance, at least before me she could do something about it. I hadn’t realized it at the time but I had gotten my clutches in her, dug my claws in deep and refused to let go. I wanted somebody I could waste my life away with and she was the perfect tool. I hadn’t thought of what it would do to her.
I didn’t think about what she would do after I got clean, because I never thought that there would be an after for me.
Trace Demon: You need to calm down Anna, we can talk.
Anna Dawson: Talk? You talk all the time but you never f*****g say anything Trace! You just spew lies and ruin people.
Trace Demon: You’ve got every right to be angry.
Anna Dawson: Angry? You think I’m angry?
Trace Demon: Aren’t you?
Anna Dawson: I don’t know Trace; I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I can’t feel anything, you’ve ruined me. You’ve ruined everything!
Her voice got louder, her screaming and movement more erratic. Things had gotten too much for her. Me throwing her to the curb, finding out about mine and Katherine’s affair, the attempted suicide, losing the baby. It was like we’d been standing on the edge of a cliff and while I’d gone one way she’d gone the other.
Trace Demon: I know okay, I know that I ruined everything. You didn’t deserve it Anna, I did everything wrong and you deserved better, but we can get you help.
Anna Dawson: Help? Is help going to give me the past five months back? Is help going to stop you cheating? Is help going to give me my baby back?!
She screamed the last part with such venom that it cut inside me. I’d lost something as well, something made of my own.
Trace Demon: I can’t fix what’s already happened, but I need to make up for it. Let me ring you some help.
Anna Dawson: Don’t go near that phone.
Before I knew what was happening she’d grabbed the nearest object. In a flash the situation had changed from dealing with a junkie to dealing with a junkie with a kitchen knife. She pointed it in my direction, the light from the nearby window catching its edge. I backed away from the phone. My mind raced as it looked for any way to diffuse the situation.
Trace Demon: Anna...
Anna Dawson: You ruined everything!
I inched towards Anna, going against my natural survival instincts as they screamed at me to run out of the door. My mind went back to seeing Anna in a pool of her own blood in that bathroom. If I ran off what would stop her doing it again? I’d nearly been the reason for her death before, I wasn’t going to let that happen again.
Trace Demon: Put down the knife Anna...
Anna Dawson: Stop telling me what to do!
She was becoming more erratic, more difficult to predict. This was more than just the actions of someone hopped up on pills. Had Katherine been trying to get her to go cold turkey? Did Katherine even have any idea where Anna even was?
I don’t entirely know what happened. I remember jumping forward, going for the knife, then darkness, the feeling of my body going cold, the strange taste of mercury in my mouth. Then a scream.
Anna Dawson: Oh my god... what have I... what have I done...
Somebody turned the lights back on. Well, kind of. All I could see was the ceiling. The cold trickle of blood as it left my body, staining the carpet beneath me. I was cold, unable to move. More screams filled the room. The stamp of feet, people rushing around. Then a feeling that I’ve never had before. Like I’ve found something beyond. I’m no longer hollow. I expect darkness, but all I saw was light.
< *** >
NOW
The initial moments are awkward, neither of us knowing what to say. She orders coffee, I just get orange juice. When you don’t drink alcohol anymore you start drinking a lot of squash. We sit there in silence until the drinks arrive. I start regretting not asking Alexa or Katherine to come along. At least then someone would have something to say.
Anna looked better than I remember, even from before she started taking. Her hair is a dark brunette, died I believe from whatever her original colour was. I regret not knowing these things. Her forced smile still lights up the room. In her eyes I noticed something that I had never seen there when we were together. Belief. She isn’t hollow anymore; she understands what life is all about. Once upon a time I would have envied her, but I have that knowledge myself now.
Anna Dawson: How have you been?
I’m surprised that she broke the silence. As hard as this is on me I imagine that it is worse for her after what happened the last time we were together.
Trace Demon: Better.
It seemed like a cruel thing to say, but I wasn’t going to lie to her. And I think that it was better for her to know that I was doing well rather than let her think I was floundering. She might blame herself for that.
Trace Demon: What about you? How long have you been in the city?
I don’t need to finish the sentence for her to know what I’m asking. I never pressed charges for what happened. She went into court ordered rehab a few weeks later. With that and the therapy it was around a year before she truly got out. She stayed with her parents for a while after that. I didn’t think she’d come back here though.
Anna Dawson: A few months. I’m staying with Katherine.
Trace Demon: Katherine and Liam now, right?
Anna Dawson: Yeah, it’s a bit weird.
She let out a little chuckle and she sounds actually happy. I don’t think I ever heard that when we were together. There wasn’t really anything to be truly happy about.
Anna Dawson: Kat tells me you’ve got a daughter now?
Trace Demon: Um, yeah, a daughter. Six weeks.
Anna Dawson: What’s her name?
Trace Demon: Eliza.
Anna Dawson: That’s nice.
She tries to force a smile again but I can tell talking about Eliza hurts. Even though we weren’t fit to be raising a child we still lost one. It still hurt.
Anna Dawson: I guess we should...
I nodded and she paused. A deep breath as she works up to it. No need to rush her, something like this is difficult enough.
Anna Dawson: I’m sorry.
I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, that everything that happened was all down to me, that I took something pure and bright and I corrupted it, turned it into darkness. But I stopped myself. It isn’t about who is right or wrong, it’s about clearing your conscience of everything you’ve done.
Anna Dawson: I’m sorry that I...
It’s about honesty, about accepting responsibility for the bad things you have done. Unless you say them you don’t feel clean, you don’t feel like you’ve truly apologized. And if you don’t feel it, then you can’t feel cleansed.
Anna Dawson: That I...
Trace Demon: You can do this.
She nodded. Another deep breath.
Anna Dawson: I’m sorry that I stabbed you, that I... nearly killed you.
Another deep breath, a wipe away of a tear as it formed in her eye. I let her calm down before I speak.
Trace Demon: I forgive you... now it’s my turn.
Anna Dawson: What?
Trace Demon: Anna, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that you met me in that club, that I got you hooked. I’m sorry that I strung you along... that I cheated on you. I’m sorry that I took somebody so special and just... hurt you like I did.
Another wipe away of the tears. A real smile this time, nothing forced about it.
Anna Dawson: It’s okay. I forgive you.
Trace Demon: Thank you.
< *** >
JANUARY 18th 2010
I remember the light. I remember lying on the floor, blood pouring out of the wound in my hip, then the light coming over me, warming me from head to toe. I should have been worried I guess. Should have thought that was the end for me. Should have thought that that was it, that the light was my gateway. My calling to the great beyond. But there was something so pure about it, so right. It was warm and comforting.
The light is the clearest memory I have of that night. I have little flashes here and there. Of the paramedics turning up, more screams and shouts. My sister appearing, begging them to fix me. I think I tried to say something. To tell her that it was going to be okay. That I had the light with me. That I wasn’t hollow anymore. But my body wasn’t working the way I wanted it to. That was okay too, it didn’t really matter.
The little bits of the ambulance ride I can remember aren’t too fun. An oxygen mask, constant fiddling as they tried to stem the bleeding. I remember one paramedic saying I should have been dead already. Pretty sure they aren’t meant to say something like that, but he was trying to reassure my sister I think. Tell her that I was doing the impossible. I wasn’t of course. Just doing what I had spent my entire life doing. If I could survive my father I could survive a knife wound.
Next I’m in surgery. Tubes everywhere. They’re trying to suck out the blood. Nearly pierced a lung they say, blood leaking into places it shouldn’t have been leaking. A lot of rushing around, shouting. There’s a moment when their machine just buzzes. A flat line I suppose. Light comes stronger for me then, but then I hear this crying, the sound of a baby. Not sure what it was, but it gave me the strength. Their machine starts beating again. They told me afterwards I shouldn’t have remembered the surgery. They’re probably right.
Lying in a hospital room, in and out of consciousness for days on end. I got a lot more visitors than I would have thought. Faith and Axel of course, crying and begging me to fight through it, telling me they couldn’t go on without me. How I was the stronger one. Liam, not really sure what to do or say, so he just sat there. Wayne and Vanessa, telling me to get better because otherwise Vanessa would kick my ass. I wouldn’t put it past her to beat up a dead man, that chicks crazy. Gave me a get well soon card from Scarlett. That one struck a chord. Even Katherine came in, crying and apologizing for what had happened. Cursing me for coming into her life in the first place.
Thunder and Shawn flew down, wished me luck from the entire roster. Even got a card from Al. If I hadn’t already nearly died once I think that would have given me a heart attack.
I got a lot of visitors. Mom never came in though.
It was four days until I actually came out of it. A girl had been visiting her grandfather and wandered into my room accidentally. Her father pulled her out. I caught her name as they left and I started waking up.
Eliza.
I heard that baby crying again.
< *** >
NOW
We spoke in that coffee shop for what seems like hours. After the apologies something just seems to click. We’re able to talk like nothing ever happened, like we were old friends. It wasn’t nice per say, pleasant maybe. Apparently Katherine and Liam aren’t really together, just going along with the motions. Anna seems to see the world differently now. Understands how so many people are just going along with the motions of life. Running about but not doing anything. It’s odd, finding someone who sees this too.
We left the coffee shop together and go our separate ways outside. We promise that we’ll catch up again sometime. I’m not sure if it’s true. I feel like we should, but that if we do there won’t really be anything to say. Once you’ve gone through as much as we have, once you’ve had a moment like we did, you shouldn’t really ruin it with the specifics of everyday life.
I wander down the road on my own, taking in the sounds and the sights of the city. Twenty minutes later as my key hits the lock to the apartment my phone rings. It’s Faith. I pick up and she sounds... not panicked, but odd, strange, like she’s accepting of some dark fact that I don’t know yet.
Faith Demon: Trace, its mom... she’s sick... really sick.
< *** >
The world is a strange place. One minute you can be the most ordinary man in the world. Working your ordinary job, living with your ordinary family, driving your ordinary car to get your ordinary shopping because you’re so f*****g ordinary. And then... then something happens. Suddenly there’s a shift in the universe and your life isn’t so ordinary anymore. Somehow, something has happened and has made you one of the most important people in the world. One minute, you can be a nobody. The next... you are the one person standing in the way of a WFWF legend.
Mak Cross.
I don’t know you. I’ve never faced you before. You have never done anything to me that makes you important to my life. And yet somehow... somehow you have suddenly become this very real, very noticeable obstacle in my way. You have become the one man who could stop me from getting the International title shot that I so rightfully deserve. But somehow it’s happened, and we just need to accept it. We need to accept that our fates have become intertwined in such a way that one of us... one of us will get what we want and the other... well the other will lay down and rot.
I was once where you are Mak. I was once the young guy trying to find a way to wedge myself straight into the annals of WFWF history. So I know exactly how you feel right now. You’re hungry, you’re f*****g ravenous for a chance to make a name for yourself. And this tournament... well this tournament is just the perfect opportunity, right? I mean, you’ve already beat Thunder. You’ve already beat a man who was once upon a time good enough to co-hold the WFWF Tag Team titles with yours truly. And now you get to face a man who has done almost everything there is to do. You beat me, then you get to say you beat two separate former World Champions on your to the finals of this tournament.
But there’s a problem Mak. Because yes, I’ve almost done everything there is to do in this company, but not quite. There is one very glaring accolade missing from my long list of achievements. The WFWF International Championship. Now I’ve never really been one to go out and start hunting for titles, but now it’s right there in front of me. It’s staring at me, begging me to just come and take it. And now... now that I’m so close I kind of want it. I kind of want to just be able to say that I’ve done it all.
So you find yourself in an awkward position Mak. Because yes, you’re hungry and yes, a victory in this match would do wondrous things for your career. But that isn’t going to happen. I can’t let that happen. Because right now, I want this. I need this. And you are in my way. You’ve seen what I’ve done to people I actually like right? You saw what I did to Hutton? Well if I do that to him imagine what I’m going to do to you. Imagine what horrible things I have in mind for you Mak. Think of it, think of the very worst thing you can, and that doesn’t even come close.
You had a bright future in front of you Mak, but sadly... it’s all over. Sadly I’m going to have to end you before you really got a chance to shine. And I’d like to say that it will pain me to do it, but then I’d be lying. Because the truth is I can’t wait. I can’t wait to watch you scream and cry as I rip and tear at your flesh, as I take away everything that makes you human and leave you as nothing more than a bloody husk in that ring.
Maybe you caught me at the wrong time Mak, maybe on another day I’d have let you off easy, but there’s just too much at stake. There’s just too much on the line. I hope you’ve had fun while it’s lasted, and at least you’ll be able to say that the fourth grand slam winner in WFWF history was the one who crippled you. That has to be worth something, right?
Oh and Drakz, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. I’ll be coming for you very soon. We’ll be bathing in your blood soon enough.
I wonder sometimes. I wonder about whether our lives are set in stone, whether it’s all decided the moment that we’re born until the moment that we die. Do we have free will? Would we know it if we did? Sometimes I like to think that there is no such thing as free will, that everything happens exactly the way it’s meant to be and that we can’t change a single thing about it. I know that’s a scary thought for some, the thought that no matter what we do we can’t change a single thing about our future but for me, sometimes, it’s all that holds me together.
Because at least then I can lie to myself. Lie that no matter what I did Anna would have still ended up overdosing, that we’d still have ended up in this hospital. That she’d still have ended up miscarrying my child. That it wasn’t all my fault.
How do you tell somebody that they’ve lost their child? How do you sit there and tell them that the gift of life they had inside of them has been snuffed out? I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t look that person in the eyes and tell them that their child has died before they had the chance to live. And how do you live with yourself when you know that it was your fault? That if you hadn’t pushed her she would never have tried to kill herself in the first place?
Nurse: Miss Dawson, Mr. Demon, you can see her now.
We sat in the hospital in silence for over two hour after the doctor gave us the news. He told us that Anna was going to be alright but that the baby was lost and that it would be a few hours before she could take any visitors. I guess he thought that would be nicer than just letting us sit there without knowing. I think, in some twisted way, that I preferred the now knowing. At least then I had hope. After I’d heard the news I felt hollow, lacking. Like somebody had ripped all the light from by body and left me with my own darkness.
Katherine Dawson: Thank you.
Katherine was dealing with it better than I ever could have expected from her. She seemed calm, collected, settled in her own thoughts. Her thoughts, her worries, were with her sister. Not with her sisters unborn baby conceived with a now recovering junkie in a toilet stall. She had been relieved about Anna being okay. However hard she tried to hide that from me I could see it in her eyes. There was a hint of guilt, that guilt you feel when something goes your way but hurts somebody else. I don’t blame her. Anna was all she had.
I know what having nobody feels like. I wouldn’t have wished that on her no matter how angry I felt.
Katherine Dawson: Are you coming?
She couldn’t hide the reluctance in her voice as she asked me. She didn’t want me there, she didn’t think that I had any right to talk to her sister. While she hadn’t said anything I knew that she blamed me for what had happened. I blamed myself as well, it was one of the first things that we had truly agreed on.
Trace Demon: No, I’ll see her later, when she’s feeling more up to it.
Katherine’s surprised, not used to my clean, non drug influenced decisions. I let her believe that I was doing this because I didn’t think Anna could handle seeing me right now and don’t tell her that it was, in truth, the other way round.
Katherine Dawson: Okay, I’ll tell her you’re here, alright?
I nodded and let her leave, still in split minds over what I’m about to do. Even to me it felt wrong, Hell, I doubt even the Trace Demon dosed up on every pill under the sun would have done what I did. When I was sure that Katherine had left I got up out of my seat and walked over to the nurses station. At the desk sat a nurse in her mid thirties. The kind of woman who makes an effort to look good to hide the fact that something in her life is slowly knowing away at her.
Trace Demon: Could I borrow a pen and some paper please?
She smiled as she handed over the pen and a scrap of paper. Up close I could see the hollowness in her eyes. If she was more observant she would have been able to see the same in mine. I quickly jotted something down on the paper, fold it in half and hand it back over to the nurse.
Trace Demon: Can you hand this to Miss Dawson when she comes back in?
Nurse: Of course.
I nodded in appreciation and walk out the door. As I exited the hospital my mind drifted back to those words I wrote, wondering if I had done the right thing.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Look after her.”
I wonder a lot about free will, about whether our actions are predetermined. Sometimes, as much as I wish they were, I can’t help but think that free will does exist. Sure, when it comes down to a choice between turning right or left it could easily have been decided which way we’re going to turn before we even think we’ve decided. But when it comes to a decision about whether you stay and face the worst mistake of your life, or you run out and just leave them with an apology on a piece of paper.
Well, that one is all on you.
< *** >
NOW
I’d been putting this off far too long. For weeks I’d told Katherine and Liam that I would meet Anna, that I would let her say what she has to say, that I would listen to her apology because that is the least that she deserved. But I’d been putting it off, lying to myself that I had to prepare and find the time, that I had to focus on getting my daughter settled in before I could even consider it. But none of that was true. I was scared, scared that it would go wrong, that I would ruin both of our lives all over again.
I’ve never been afraid of anything in my life. I wasn’t afraid of my father when he’d drink and smack me around. I wasn’t afraid of trying to raise myself when I left home and headed here to Los Angeles at the age of eighteen. I wasn’t afraid when I found out I was going to be a father, that I was going to have a young life relying on me when I could barely rely on myself. I don’t do fear. Fear breeds weakness. But when it came to Anna Dawson I was afraid. Not for myself, but for her, afraid of what meeting me would truly do for her. After the last time...
Then I realized that I needed this as much as she did. That if we didn’t have this meeting then neither of us could truly move on with our lives. After everything that had gone on we needed closure, we needed to shut away the last vestiges of our former life. This was important, far more important than going clean or rehab or any of that. This was what we needed.
So that is why I found myself there, standing outside a small coffee shop a few blocks away from my apartment. I came alone despite Alexa’s pleas to let her accompany me. We wouldn’t get any real resolution with Alexa there. It would have been the same if Katherine had accompanied Anna. And so we had agreed to meet alone in a public place. A single chance for closure.
Anna Dawson: Trace?
My head twisted in the direction of the voice, my eyes settling on her. Suddenly two years of regret swelled up within me, like a thousand bricks crashing down from above. My throat tightened as I tried to find the right words. Every joint in my body seemed to freeze up, reacting to a signal from my brain that I never sent. The scar on my stomach almost feels like it’s burning. Then, all at once, everything subsides and I’m calm. Truly calm.
Trace Demon: Anna.
She looked different to the last time I saw her, and not just in appearance. She was calmer, more serene, like she’d found the light in the darkness, the truth amongst the lies. It’s a look that I recognized from looking at myself in the mirror every day. It’s the look of somebody who has rid themselves of their demons, who has finally kicked a habit that threatened to drag them under. It’s a look I can appreciate.
Anna Dawson: Shall we... go in?
She’s nervous, unsure of exactly how I was going to react. Katherine told her that I’d changed, that I was a different person to the one she once knew, that I was living a different life. The Trace Demon that she once knew, the one who’d pop pills every day and didn’t give a damn about anybody, no longer exists. She has never had to deal with this Trace Demon. The one with a family, with responsibilities, the one who works every day to make sure he never falls back into old habits.
Trace Demon: Sure.
I pushed the door open and waited for her to walk through, hoping that this would go better than the last time we saw each other.
< *** >
JANUARY 18th 2010
There’s a saying – ignorance is bliss. That’s a lie. A massive freakish lie. Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s just a hope in the back of our minds that what we don’t know can’t possibly hurt us. But do you want to know the truth? What we don’t know can definitely hurt us. In fact what we don’t know can hurt us far more than what we do. It had been a week since I had left Anna in that hospital, certain that she would be better off without me and I without her. If I had known that she was okay I would probably have been perfectly fine. But not knowing hurt, and not knowing what was about to happen hurt even more.
I was still staying with my sister Faith for the time being. I’d spent the past few days hunting for apartments but my heart wasn’t in it. My thoughts couldn’t stay focused on a single thing, every time I tried my mind would wander off, start thinking about all the things I’d ruined and lost. Anna, Katherine, my own child, nearly myself. For two years my entire life had been a damn mess and now it was time to pick up the pieces.
It didn’t help that I was still suffering through withdrawal. It had been worst the past week after what had happened. The urges had gotten stronger, the mood swings worse. The first few nights all I had wanted to do was pop some pills and drift off into the white void of the haze. Since then it had always been in the back of my mind, whispering to me that just one pill and everything will be better. Telling me that one pill isn’t going to hurt, that I can cope and start over. But I know different. I know that if I fall I fall for good, there wouldn’t be any coming back. A relapse would be the end of me.
I tried lying to Faith at first, but she has always been able to see right through me. As soon as I told her what had happened she knew that my urges would start again. She tried not to leave me alone, didn’t even bothering trying to hide her worries. I can admit that her presence helped me. When you have nobody to stray strong for then it becomes difficult not to fall back into old habits, especially when things get tough. Even if I was just lying to her when I told her I wasn’t getting the urges it meant I tried harder not to disappoint her.
It was a Monday before she left me alone. She, Axel and Liam had been trying to split their time, finding new reasons to waste my days away so that I wouldn’t have any to myself. Eventually the time came when none of them could get any time off of work. Faith was uncertain at first. She wanted to trust me, but she’d spent over two years watching me waste my life away and she couldn’t bear the thought that her leaving me alone would lead me down that route again. It took me two hours convincing her that it would be fine. Two hours in which I used every lie I’d ever used to convince somebody I wasn’t going to use. Only this time, I meant it.
It felt good not having people hanging around me, worrying, trying to prove that a life without pills was just as enjoyable. They didn’t realize that I’d found that out myself. I’d been clean for over a month and in that time I’d witnessed the world change around me. When I was under the influence everything was flat, colourless, hollow. I always thought that was the way the entire world was. That people went through life lying that there was something more. Only that was a lie. Because it wasn’t the world that was cold, it was me. Since sobering up things started making sense again. I saw that the life I was living wasn’t a life at all.
It was a waste.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
It was a Monday before she left me alone. It was a Monday when the knock came. I still don’t understand how she knew. Had she been waiting around, waiting for me to be left alone before coming around? Or was it just luck? I can’t get over this feeling that it was meant to be in some way, some twisted joke that fate decided to play on me. A disgusting dark karma.
I didn’t think twice about opening the door. I just assumed it was one of the others who’d found another reason to use up my day. They still didn’t trust me at this point. In fact it would take some time before they actually would. For Wayne it wasn’t until I got my six month sober chip. For Liam it was the first time we went to a nightclub and he saw me turn down one of my old suppliers even though I didn’t know he was watching. And for Faith and Axel it was the moment I got back with Alexa, because out of everybody in the world she is the one woman who would never have taken me back if she ever thought I was using.
But it wasn’t any of them. No, this was someone else.
Trace Demon: Anna...
There are those moments when you don’t have words, when something comes so out of the blue that you just forget how to talk. I’ve never had a lot of those moments. I’ve gone through life always knowing what to say at the right moments, always knowing how to handle any situation. But in those past few weeks, I’d had enough of those moments to last me a life time.
Anna Dawson: Let me in.
I didn’t get a chance to say no as she barged past me. I hadn’t seen her since that day but it didn’t look like the past few weeks had treated her well. Her hair was tangled and messy, her skin pale and blotchy, her clothes dank and dirty. I knew the signs. She was still using.
Trace Demon: What are you doing...
Anna Dawson: You left me there!
She’s frantic, unstable, worse than that day when she had downed a bottle of pills and put a shard of glass across her veins. I had dealt with plenty of junkies before but that was back when I was one of them.
Trace Demon: I know, but it was for...
Anna Dawson: Don’t you dare tell me it was for the best!
It was like looking in the mirror and I didn’t like what I saw. I had turned her into this. Before she met me Anna was just a girl who didn’t know what she was doing with her life. But at least then she had a chance, at least before me she could do something about it. I hadn’t realized it at the time but I had gotten my clutches in her, dug my claws in deep and refused to let go. I wanted somebody I could waste my life away with and she was the perfect tool. I hadn’t thought of what it would do to her.
I didn’t think about what she would do after I got clean, because I never thought that there would be an after for me.
Trace Demon: You need to calm down Anna, we can talk.
Anna Dawson: Talk? You talk all the time but you never f*****g say anything Trace! You just spew lies and ruin people.
Trace Demon: You’ve got every right to be angry.
Anna Dawson: Angry? You think I’m angry?
Trace Demon: Aren’t you?
Anna Dawson: I don’t know Trace; I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I can’t feel anything, you’ve ruined me. You’ve ruined everything!
Her voice got louder, her screaming and movement more erratic. Things had gotten too much for her. Me throwing her to the curb, finding out about mine and Katherine’s affair, the attempted suicide, losing the baby. It was like we’d been standing on the edge of a cliff and while I’d gone one way she’d gone the other.
Trace Demon: I know okay, I know that I ruined everything. You didn’t deserve it Anna, I did everything wrong and you deserved better, but we can get you help.
Anna Dawson: Help? Is help going to give me the past five months back? Is help going to stop you cheating? Is help going to give me my baby back?!
She screamed the last part with such venom that it cut inside me. I’d lost something as well, something made of my own.
Trace Demon: I can’t fix what’s already happened, but I need to make up for it. Let me ring you some help.
Anna Dawson: Don’t go near that phone.
Before I knew what was happening she’d grabbed the nearest object. In a flash the situation had changed from dealing with a junkie to dealing with a junkie with a kitchen knife. She pointed it in my direction, the light from the nearby window catching its edge. I backed away from the phone. My mind raced as it looked for any way to diffuse the situation.
Trace Demon: Anna...
Anna Dawson: You ruined everything!
I inched towards Anna, going against my natural survival instincts as they screamed at me to run out of the door. My mind went back to seeing Anna in a pool of her own blood in that bathroom. If I ran off what would stop her doing it again? I’d nearly been the reason for her death before, I wasn’t going to let that happen again.
Trace Demon: Put down the knife Anna...
Anna Dawson: Stop telling me what to do!
She was becoming more erratic, more difficult to predict. This was more than just the actions of someone hopped up on pills. Had Katherine been trying to get her to go cold turkey? Did Katherine even have any idea where Anna even was?
I don’t entirely know what happened. I remember jumping forward, going for the knife, then darkness, the feeling of my body going cold, the strange taste of mercury in my mouth. Then a scream.
Anna Dawson: Oh my god... what have I... what have I done...
Somebody turned the lights back on. Well, kind of. All I could see was the ceiling. The cold trickle of blood as it left my body, staining the carpet beneath me. I was cold, unable to move. More screams filled the room. The stamp of feet, people rushing around. Then a feeling that I’ve never had before. Like I’ve found something beyond. I’m no longer hollow. I expect darkness, but all I saw was light.
< *** >
NOW
The initial moments are awkward, neither of us knowing what to say. She orders coffee, I just get orange juice. When you don’t drink alcohol anymore you start drinking a lot of squash. We sit there in silence until the drinks arrive. I start regretting not asking Alexa or Katherine to come along. At least then someone would have something to say.
Anna looked better than I remember, even from before she started taking. Her hair is a dark brunette, died I believe from whatever her original colour was. I regret not knowing these things. Her forced smile still lights up the room. In her eyes I noticed something that I had never seen there when we were together. Belief. She isn’t hollow anymore; she understands what life is all about. Once upon a time I would have envied her, but I have that knowledge myself now.
Anna Dawson: How have you been?
I’m surprised that she broke the silence. As hard as this is on me I imagine that it is worse for her after what happened the last time we were together.
Trace Demon: Better.
It seemed like a cruel thing to say, but I wasn’t going to lie to her. And I think that it was better for her to know that I was doing well rather than let her think I was floundering. She might blame herself for that.
Trace Demon: What about you? How long have you been in the city?
I don’t need to finish the sentence for her to know what I’m asking. I never pressed charges for what happened. She went into court ordered rehab a few weeks later. With that and the therapy it was around a year before she truly got out. She stayed with her parents for a while after that. I didn’t think she’d come back here though.
Anna Dawson: A few months. I’m staying with Katherine.
Trace Demon: Katherine and Liam now, right?
Anna Dawson: Yeah, it’s a bit weird.
She let out a little chuckle and she sounds actually happy. I don’t think I ever heard that when we were together. There wasn’t really anything to be truly happy about.
Anna Dawson: Kat tells me you’ve got a daughter now?
Trace Demon: Um, yeah, a daughter. Six weeks.
Anna Dawson: What’s her name?
Trace Demon: Eliza.
Anna Dawson: That’s nice.
She tries to force a smile again but I can tell talking about Eliza hurts. Even though we weren’t fit to be raising a child we still lost one. It still hurt.
Anna Dawson: I guess we should...
I nodded and she paused. A deep breath as she works up to it. No need to rush her, something like this is difficult enough.
Anna Dawson: I’m sorry.
I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, that everything that happened was all down to me, that I took something pure and bright and I corrupted it, turned it into darkness. But I stopped myself. It isn’t about who is right or wrong, it’s about clearing your conscience of everything you’ve done.
Anna Dawson: I’m sorry that I...
It’s about honesty, about accepting responsibility for the bad things you have done. Unless you say them you don’t feel clean, you don’t feel like you’ve truly apologized. And if you don’t feel it, then you can’t feel cleansed.
Anna Dawson: That I...
Trace Demon: You can do this.
She nodded. Another deep breath.
Anna Dawson: I’m sorry that I stabbed you, that I... nearly killed you.
Another deep breath, a wipe away of a tear as it formed in her eye. I let her calm down before I speak.
Trace Demon: I forgive you... now it’s my turn.
Anna Dawson: What?
Trace Demon: Anna, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that you met me in that club, that I got you hooked. I’m sorry that I strung you along... that I cheated on you. I’m sorry that I took somebody so special and just... hurt you like I did.
Another wipe away of the tears. A real smile this time, nothing forced about it.
Anna Dawson: It’s okay. I forgive you.
Trace Demon: Thank you.
< *** >
JANUARY 18th 2010
I remember the light. I remember lying on the floor, blood pouring out of the wound in my hip, then the light coming over me, warming me from head to toe. I should have been worried I guess. Should have thought that was the end for me. Should have thought that that was it, that the light was my gateway. My calling to the great beyond. But there was something so pure about it, so right. It was warm and comforting.
The light is the clearest memory I have of that night. I have little flashes here and there. Of the paramedics turning up, more screams and shouts. My sister appearing, begging them to fix me. I think I tried to say something. To tell her that it was going to be okay. That I had the light with me. That I wasn’t hollow anymore. But my body wasn’t working the way I wanted it to. That was okay too, it didn’t really matter.
The little bits of the ambulance ride I can remember aren’t too fun. An oxygen mask, constant fiddling as they tried to stem the bleeding. I remember one paramedic saying I should have been dead already. Pretty sure they aren’t meant to say something like that, but he was trying to reassure my sister I think. Tell her that I was doing the impossible. I wasn’t of course. Just doing what I had spent my entire life doing. If I could survive my father I could survive a knife wound.
Next I’m in surgery. Tubes everywhere. They’re trying to suck out the blood. Nearly pierced a lung they say, blood leaking into places it shouldn’t have been leaking. A lot of rushing around, shouting. There’s a moment when their machine just buzzes. A flat line I suppose. Light comes stronger for me then, but then I hear this crying, the sound of a baby. Not sure what it was, but it gave me the strength. Their machine starts beating again. They told me afterwards I shouldn’t have remembered the surgery. They’re probably right.
Lying in a hospital room, in and out of consciousness for days on end. I got a lot more visitors than I would have thought. Faith and Axel of course, crying and begging me to fight through it, telling me they couldn’t go on without me. How I was the stronger one. Liam, not really sure what to do or say, so he just sat there. Wayne and Vanessa, telling me to get better because otherwise Vanessa would kick my ass. I wouldn’t put it past her to beat up a dead man, that chicks crazy. Gave me a get well soon card from Scarlett. That one struck a chord. Even Katherine came in, crying and apologizing for what had happened. Cursing me for coming into her life in the first place.
Thunder and Shawn flew down, wished me luck from the entire roster. Even got a card from Al. If I hadn’t already nearly died once I think that would have given me a heart attack.
I got a lot of visitors. Mom never came in though.
It was four days until I actually came out of it. A girl had been visiting her grandfather and wandered into my room accidentally. Her father pulled her out. I caught her name as they left and I started waking up.
Eliza.
I heard that baby crying again.
< *** >
NOW
We spoke in that coffee shop for what seems like hours. After the apologies something just seems to click. We’re able to talk like nothing ever happened, like we were old friends. It wasn’t nice per say, pleasant maybe. Apparently Katherine and Liam aren’t really together, just going along with the motions. Anna seems to see the world differently now. Understands how so many people are just going along with the motions of life. Running about but not doing anything. It’s odd, finding someone who sees this too.
We left the coffee shop together and go our separate ways outside. We promise that we’ll catch up again sometime. I’m not sure if it’s true. I feel like we should, but that if we do there won’t really be anything to say. Once you’ve gone through as much as we have, once you’ve had a moment like we did, you shouldn’t really ruin it with the specifics of everyday life.
I wander down the road on my own, taking in the sounds and the sights of the city. Twenty minutes later as my key hits the lock to the apartment my phone rings. It’s Faith. I pick up and she sounds... not panicked, but odd, strange, like she’s accepting of some dark fact that I don’t know yet.
Faith Demon: Trace, its mom... she’s sick... really sick.
< *** >
The world is a strange place. One minute you can be the most ordinary man in the world. Working your ordinary job, living with your ordinary family, driving your ordinary car to get your ordinary shopping because you’re so f*****g ordinary. And then... then something happens. Suddenly there’s a shift in the universe and your life isn’t so ordinary anymore. Somehow, something has happened and has made you one of the most important people in the world. One minute, you can be a nobody. The next... you are the one person standing in the way of a WFWF legend.
Mak Cross.
I don’t know you. I’ve never faced you before. You have never done anything to me that makes you important to my life. And yet somehow... somehow you have suddenly become this very real, very noticeable obstacle in my way. You have become the one man who could stop me from getting the International title shot that I so rightfully deserve. But somehow it’s happened, and we just need to accept it. We need to accept that our fates have become intertwined in such a way that one of us... one of us will get what we want and the other... well the other will lay down and rot.
I was once where you are Mak. I was once the young guy trying to find a way to wedge myself straight into the annals of WFWF history. So I know exactly how you feel right now. You’re hungry, you’re f*****g ravenous for a chance to make a name for yourself. And this tournament... well this tournament is just the perfect opportunity, right? I mean, you’ve already beat Thunder. You’ve already beat a man who was once upon a time good enough to co-hold the WFWF Tag Team titles with yours truly. And now you get to face a man who has done almost everything there is to do. You beat me, then you get to say you beat two separate former World Champions on your to the finals of this tournament.
But there’s a problem Mak. Because yes, I’ve almost done everything there is to do in this company, but not quite. There is one very glaring accolade missing from my long list of achievements. The WFWF International Championship. Now I’ve never really been one to go out and start hunting for titles, but now it’s right there in front of me. It’s staring at me, begging me to just come and take it. And now... now that I’m so close I kind of want it. I kind of want to just be able to say that I’ve done it all.
So you find yourself in an awkward position Mak. Because yes, you’re hungry and yes, a victory in this match would do wondrous things for your career. But that isn’t going to happen. I can’t let that happen. Because right now, I want this. I need this. And you are in my way. You’ve seen what I’ve done to people I actually like right? You saw what I did to Hutton? Well if I do that to him imagine what I’m going to do to you. Imagine what horrible things I have in mind for you Mak. Think of it, think of the very worst thing you can, and that doesn’t even come close.
You had a bright future in front of you Mak, but sadly... it’s all over. Sadly I’m going to have to end you before you really got a chance to shine. And I’d like to say that it will pain me to do it, but then I’d be lying. Because the truth is I can’t wait. I can’t wait to watch you scream and cry as I rip and tear at your flesh, as I take away everything that makes you human and leave you as nothing more than a bloody husk in that ring.
Maybe you caught me at the wrong time Mak, maybe on another day I’d have let you off easy, but there’s just too much at stake. There’s just too much on the line. I hope you’ve had fun while it’s lasted, and at least you’ll be able to say that the fourth grand slam winner in WFWF history was the one who crippled you. That has to be worth something, right?
Oh and Drakz, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. I’ll be coming for you very soon. We’ll be bathing in your blood soon enough.
