Post by veronicaaaahhhh on Dec 30, 2013 16:40:40 GMT -5
Penny couldn’t help but remember that line from the Rocky Horror Picture Show; the one from “Sweet Transvestite” where Frankie offers Brad a ‘Satanic Mechanic’. It wasn’t just that it stuck out, but it was just so ing fitting for the situation: the Bratmobile hurling through the highway at a hundred miles-per-hour, just blazing through crap that everything else that was in front of her was kind of tearing and shredding and coagulating into this reeeally trippy mesh.
“You never listen to me.”
“I always listen to you.”, Penny shot back at Celeste from the driver’s seat, just squirming to gain some control. “I just don’t always follow what you say.”
“Then what’s the point?”, the pixie replied, rolling her eyes as she unbuckled her seatbelt and snapped back into her original pixie height of under seven inches.
“To give me something to think about? I mean, I always come to you whenever I need something so I figure that’s got- HOLY CRAP!”
A double decker bus crashed into the side of the car, hitting just the very corner of the hood with enough force that Bratmobile spun sideways, crashing right against the brunt of the bus.
“Holy !”, Penny yelled. “That er came from out of nowhere!”
“No, it didn’t.”
Penny could feel herself on the brink of hyperventilating, so she lit up a joint. “Huh?”
“You kept on singing that stupid Morrisey-”
“-Smiths.”
“Whatever, you kept on playing that stupid song about wanting to die by someone’s side and look what happened?”
“I nearly died.”
“Yeah.”
“Not cool.”
“It’s not cool at all.”
“.”
Penny took another hit off the joint, roached it on the ashtray and slipped out of the Bratmobile to take a good look at the damage-
“… me.”
“Is it that bad?”
“See for yourself.”
Celeste fluttered out the driver’s side and latched on to Penny’s shoulders. “Oh dear…”
“Yup.”, Penny sighed, looking at the wreckage.
“The hood’s caved in.”
“Oh, I know.”
“The backseat is completely wrecked.”
“Mhm.”
…
…
…
“Well, do your thing!”
“Excuse me?”
“You know that magic-pixie stuff. But you do it and it’s kinda like you’re my Yoda and your showing off your dope Jedi skills by lifting the X-Wing outta the in’ swamp!”
“…-“ There was something Celeste was going to say, but she actually took the time to give it thought and in doing so, decided it wasn’t going to be a good idea and if anything, it would set them back at least a good fifteen minutes. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“Then find a way to make it work?”
“I can only help you so far, you’re going to have to make this work here.”
“God damn it!”, Penny cried out; her head shrugged over her shoulders, pouting as streams of bongwater replaced the flow of tears that rained from her pretty purple eyes.
“I’m sorry, Penny.”, Celeste said softly, fluttering close to Penny to kiss her cheek. “And who knows, something amazing just might come out of this.”
“-Hold that thought.”, Penny said, fishing out her iPhone from her pouch.
“What are you doing?”
“Calling my brother! He’ll fix this.”
“But there was supposed to be a lesson.”
“And now I found a way around it, besides we’re close enough to home that it wouldn’t even take him an hour to get here.”
“You’re unbelievable.”
“Tell me about.”, Penny nodded, turning her head away as she trailed out, “-Hey bro, I’m in a bit of a jam…”
>TehVIRGINS<
IN
STRAIGHT OUTTA LITTLE OLYMPIA!
-1-
“WOW, that’s pretty f*cked up.”
“It’ll be fine.”
Kevin lit his cigarette. “Make your fairy fix it for you with her fairy dust.”
“She’s a pixie.”
“Whatever, she isn’t real.”
Penny stormed up to Kevin. “She totally is!”
“Then, why’d you call me then when you could have had her fix it.”
“Because she wanted me to learn a lesson.”
Kevin wrapped his arm around Penny, “Was that admitting to your brother that she isn’t real?”
Penny bitch-slapped Kevin in the nuts hard and walked away to his car, muttering, “er…”
Kevin limped back over to his car, twitching a little bit. “Damn it, Penny!”.
It had been roughly a year and a half since Penny and her brother Kevin last hung out with each other, and now, here they were in their usual places in the front of Kevin’s Station Wagon; Kevin on the driver’s side, the self-appointed driver. And then there was Penny on the passenger’s side, giving him nothing but absolute crap over every little thing.
Penny lit a joint and passed it to her brother, “Merry Christmas, bro!”
Kevin shifted in his seat to accommodate the ice-cold bottle of Gatorade nursing his swollen crotch to reach and take the joint from Penny’s hand. “F*ck you.”
“Come on, it’s been what? A year, year and a half since I last saw you, you had to be expecting a nut shot!”
Kevin took a pull from the joint and took a right on the freeway, driving down the exit. Passing the joint back to Penny, Kevin exhaled and said, “Which is why I took the coldest bottle of Gatorade with me before I left.”
Penny took the joint and hit it. “Spoken like a true boy scout.”
“Honest In’jun.”
Penny chuckled and passed the joint back to Kevin. “I miss this.”
Kevin took the joint and hit it too. “What? There weren’t enough nuts to slap around for a couple years?”
“No.” Penny punched Kevin in the arm. “Hanging out with you! I miss this- it, I miss you dude.”
“Yeah, I’ve missed you too.”
“That doesn’t sound very convincing...”
Kevin coughed and passed the joint back to Penny. “It doesn’t?”
“I mean, I’m sure you mean it- it just didn’t feel like you did.”
Kevin stopped the car at a red light. “Penny, I miss you.”
“Now that sounds even worse.”
“How could it sound worse?”
“It’s forced and a little bit condescending.”
“Condescending?”
“There you go again!”
Kevin looked like he was going to say something. So Penny hit the joint and passed it back to him.
“I’m good.”, Kevin said, waving the joint away. “Just give me a sec to rephrase this.”
Penny hit the joint and coughed, “Take your time, bro.”
“Alright.”, Kevin begun, taking in a deep breath. “Penny, I’m glad you’re back home. Sure, I don’t miss you as much as I think I would, but that’s okay. I’ve been having a lot of fun on my own, ever since you’ve moved on. But you know what? Sometimes, I’ll have my moments when I wish you here. I mean, not for an extended period or anything. But it’s nice knowing you’re around.”
Penny chuckled and then, Kevin sighed in relief and chuckled to.
“I gotcha.”
“You’re not mad or sad or disappointed or anything?”
Penny turned her head. “Nah.”
“Well, that’s good.”
The green light came on and Kevin started the car again, pulling directly into town now. Kevin was going to say something else, but the moment he opened his mouth, he turned his head to find his sister completely zonked out, with her head resting against the strap of the seatbelt.
Kevin turned on the radio; Pavement’s “Cut Your Hair” was on. And with one last hit off the joint, Kevin drove them home.
Home was the Whistle-Stop convenient store in the corner of Heyman and Melberg, which was pretty much ground zero for anyone living in Little Olympia.
Penny and Kevin (who’s older by two and a half years) inherited the store a few years ago after their mom died. With not much else and having realized how easy it was to get paid for not having to do anything, the Shannon’s kept the store going and moved into the second-floor flat their mom used as her office.
“Welcome home!”
Penny yawned, walked in after Kevin and headed straight towards the cold storage.
“Right.”, Kevin said, locking the door behind him.
“Sorry for spacing out on ya’, dude.”, Penny said, reaching for a bottle of pink-flavored Rattlesnake Energy.
“It’s cool.”
Penny shook her bum and closed the fridge. Opening the bottle, Penny sipped it and walked over to Kevin. “I mean, I shouldn’t feel this tired.”
“It’s from all the weed.”
“Ha!”
“What's bugging you?”Kevin said, returning to his spot behind the counter.
“Just crap from work.”
“Yeah? Wanna try me?”
“ you, dude.”, Penny said, flipping Kevin the finger. “Actually, I kinda miss working here. I could get high, do my crap, not give a flying . All I had to do was just make sure no one stole crap.”
“Which stopped happening after you got into that Ninja Battle thing.”
“Right? And look where it led me, dude- I’m a in’ pro. Like people pay me to train people.”
… Penny thought about Scarlett for a second there. Not cool, but Penny pushed it away.
“Good for you. You got what you wanted.”
“No.”, Penny shrugged as she sat down on the counter. “It’s not like that.”
“What’s it like then?”
“I got what I wanted, but I wasn’t doing this. When I left here, I just wanted to get my name out there and take on any job that I could, no real direction- I was just gonna go with the flow. Then crap had to get heavy and I started feeling this stupid bullcrap like I was missing out on something- like there’s more that I can do.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t want to win any championships.”
“Why?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Then what then?”
“I don’t know, but I just don’t want to be the girl who sells weed and kicks people’s butts.”
“Wow.”
Penny slapped Kevin. “Don’t wow me!”
Kevin slapped Penny back. “You grew up!”
Penny slapped Kevin back. “I did not.”
Kevin slapped Penny back. “Yeah, you did.”
Penny slapped Kevin back. “No, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, you are!” Kevin slapped Penny back. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t have slapped me!”
Penny slapped Kevin. “I slapped you because I wanted to slap you.”
“Well, f*ck you.”, Kevin said, bitchslapping Penny enough to knock her on the ground. “I’m slapping you harder!”
Penny shot back up. “You son of a bitch!”
“Hey, that’s our mom you’re talking about.”
“And may she rest in peace, you…”
“Go on, say it…”
“-You, you… You crusty éclair!”
“What’s a crusty éclair?”
“I don’t know, but it sounded really gross in my head.”
“It feels kinda gross.”
Penny shook her head. “Yeah, I’m tired.”
“Plus the crap from work.”
“Exactly! You can’t expect a girl to be on all the time.”
“It’s criminal to even expect it.”
“Right?”, Penny sighed, rolling up her eyes as she held out her arms and shrugged. And then, not a second later, just as her brother was nodding his doofusy head, Penny saw her opening and smacked Kevin hard across the nuts, the sudden shock of which sent him crumbling down to his knees.
“Night, bro.”
“Piss off.”.
Somewhere else, far deep in the suburbs of Little Olympia there was a boy in his room who was hanging out with a girl. An actual girl. A living, breathing female who actually liked him enough to spend time with him… A lot of time too. Neither one was in any kind of freindzone. In fact, it’s more than fair to say that he calls her his girlfriend. Over anything, this boy and that girl liked each other so much that you couldn’t really imagine one without the other.
“You let me win that match.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Dude”, Enchanted shot out “I saw you. You weren’t killing anyone, you just made them considerably weaker!”
“There were a lot of people. I was distracted.”
“There were only seven of us.”
So Slanted and Enchanted had this bet: whoever killed the most people in Backyard Warrior Online’s Scramble Death Melee would be the lucky recipient of oral sex- and it wasn’t going to be the stuff they’d do whenever they were getting each other in the mood. No… We’re talking about a good, straight up tounge-f*ck!
Slanted put down the controller and leaned over to Enchanted, “I really don’t see why you’re complaining.”
“I just don’t get it.”, Enchanted replied, leaning back against the foot of Slanted’s bed. “You didn’t have to lose.”
“But I wanted to lose.”
“And why would you want to do that?”
“Because I really, really wanna go down on you!”
Enchanted threw her arms around Slanted and kissed him. “You sir, are made of win!”
Slanted kissed Enchanted back and held her in his arms as he gently laid her down on the floor next to him.
“Wait up!”. Enchanted got up, took a pillow from Slanted’s bed and prepped it up on the floor beneath her before giving Slanted that awesome wink of approval, “Alright, proceed!”
Slanted lowered his head…
-2-
D’yokitsh Manor. For decades, the manor has been home to the clan McRotch. They were a wealthy family of (allegedly) Anglo descent that set their winter residence in the quiet community of Little Olympia. Their wealth came from coffee, starting with their signature blend of premium Arabica, McRotch’s Finest©. The company expanded to a chain of posh coffee bars called Coffee From McRotch©. Under the guidance of Holden McRotch III, the current leader of the McCrotch Empire™, the company has recently expanded into the entertainment industry, starting with the acquisition of Intermediate Records which just relaunched as Sounds From McRotch™.
In decades past, the McRotch’s had tried to turn the town into a quiet vacation spot for the obnoxious and affluent, which obviously pissed off most of the local residents who would rather be left the f*ck alone. In a campaign spearheaded by the late-Catherine “SillyCat” Shannon (yes, that’s Penny and Kevin’s mom), Little Olympians banded together and deliberately had a bad summer and when that didn’t turn away the tourists, they had a depressing Christmas; which saw residents commit false suicide all through the streets. Unfortunately, the decadently jaded saw the novelty in something so utterly “bleak” and “human” and the town ended up attracting more rich f*ck ups.
The clash of culture between the residents and the unwanted foreigners (they kinda were) came to a head when Holden McRotch Jr. challenged Catherine Shannon into a duel to end all duels. The epic encounter saw the second generation McRotch run away from a crippling beating at the hands of the SillyCat all throughout D’yokitsh Manor, resulting in Catherine Shannon’s untimely death. Since then, tensions have been high between residents and the McCrotch Coffee Family, ltd.
Holden McRotch III hung a little to the left as he swayed across his bedroom. He reeked of ambrosia, gin, and saffron as he twirled about in a short, elaborately stitched kimono, dancing intimtaley to British soft-pop.
“On my knees, prepared to pray.”, Holden sang. “A shock beneath my bowels break, embrace… Embrraaaaaaaaaaceee!!!”
“-Sir”. Wilfred Pottypop, his insufferable manservant called, cutting the music.
Holden stopped where he was; arms held up in a delicate flail. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Quite a while, sir.”
“I see.”
Holden dropped his arms and dashed to his dresser, covering up with a robe.
“I am sorry to disturb you, but I’ve received word.”
“Word?” Holden turned to him. “What word?”
“It appears that the spawn of SillyCat has returned to Little Olympia.”
“Penny Shannon.”
“Our informers await your command.”
“There is no need.” Holden breathed out. “I shall deal with the Velocity Grrrl myself.”.
It was the belligerent pounding that woke up Slanted & Enchanted. The two had gone to sleep at somewhere close to six in the morning and having been woken up a lot sooner than they would have liked to did not put either of them in a good mood.
Having gone tired of Slanted obviously paying little regard to his mother’s insistent call, Enchanted rushed to the door.
“Sorry, I just woke up.”, Enchanted said groggily.
“It’s fine, dear.”, Slanted’s Mom replied. “But there’s someone downstairs looking for you two.”
“Yeah?”
“You can you make Slanted do it.”
“It’s fine.”, Enchanted said, waving her off, “I’m already up.”
Enchanted gulped down whatever was left from her big-@ss can of Strawberry Rattlesnake and went downstairs.
“Sup, bitch?”
“Penny?” Enchanted shot out, rushing down the stairs to greet Penny who was lazing on the couch. “I can’t believe it, you’re back.”
“Came in last night.”, Penny replied. “Would you and your fine boyfriend care to join me for a smoke?”
“Like you even have to ask!”.
Penny and Enchanted burst into Slanted’s room. With Slanted flat on his belly, just trying to get whatever extra inch of sleep he could get, Penny stormed over to the bed and slapped Slanted’s bum so hard that the shock of which was enough to wake him up.
“The f*ck?!”, Slanted shot out
“Top of the morning.”
“Penny!”
“The one and only.”
Penny took a seat on the bean-bag while Enchanted gave Slanted the last sip from her big-@ss can of Strawberry Rattlesnake, waking up the lad.
“So, what’s going on?”, Enchanted asked
“I take it you’ve been keeping up with the WFWF, right?”
“On and off.”, Slanted yawned, getting up from his bed.
“Kind of tuned out after Battleground.”
Penny lit a joint. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, you could kinda see where things were going a mile away.”, Slanted replied
“We heard about the heel turn though.”
“Yeah… About that.”, Penny trailed
“It’s cool.”
“We totally get it.”, Enchanted said.
“Yeah, we kinda figured it was coming up the moment Trace brought you in.”
“I didn’t wanna do it.”, Penny sighed, hitting the joint
“We get it.”, Enchanted said
“You used to be the Queen of the Ninja Battles!”, Slanted said. “It wasn’t too long ago when you actually had this whole town in the palm of your hand.”
“You’re a natural born superstar, Penny.”
“It was easy to see you were getting tired of standing behind someone’s spotlight.”
“Had to do what you had to do.”
“Yeah…”, Penny sighed, passing the joint to the one closest to her.
Slanted was the first to grab the joint and hit it.
“We’ve been waiting for this.”
“Good.”
Enchanted hit the joint. “So, what’s the plan?”
Penny took a nice, clean hit from the joint, just savoring it. “In the time I’ve spent actually going out there and wrestling, I’ve encountered some of the worst people in the world. I’m no saint, but at least I’ve got a stronger compass than most of this craps I deal with. So I figured, if they’re gonna run around and own the place, so I can I.”
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"TehVirgins? Reunited at long last?"
"Pack your things kids, we're taking on the world!".
Penny really didn’t know why, but stepping out of Slanted’s Mom’s house made her feel like dancing to “Walk Like a Man”; kinda like in that old Robert Downey Jr. movie, Heart and Souls. When he starts of as that little boy whose imaginary friend’s happen to be ghosts and they always dance to “Walk Like a Man” together and bam, twenty years go by and he’s forgotten them. And then one day, he’s kinda forced into remembering them and after breaking into this rude old dude’s house, he and his otherworldly friends strut and sing, “Walk Like a Man”
But in this case, she just left the house of the mom of one of her best friends and instead of a cast of ghosts, she had her own personal weed pixie.
Anyway, Penny changed the lyrics to fit her accordingly:
“Walk like a grrrl,
like a grrrl,
Fight like a grrrl,
My daaaauuuuuughter,
No prick is worth,
Crawling on the Earth,
So fight like a grrrl,
My daaaauuuuuughter!”
Penny took the time to “doo-wop” and “aww-ooo” as she strutted down Little Olympia’s suburbs, taking the time to make a couple spins before she shifted from side to side, clapping her hands together as she sang.
She wondered, only for a moment, why Celeste hadn’t popped up on her shoulder… Maybe she was still a little mad at her over what happened to Scarlett, but right now, Penny was in too good of a mood to let this bother her.
Penny was just about to burst into the first verse, which was going to be about stepping over some dude’s nuts, when she was rudely interrupted by a limo that had pulled up in front of her. It was obnoxiously bright, lined with 24karat gold and windows so dimly tinted that you kinda had to wonder if the driver could actually see a damn thing.
Oh yeah, it was a Rolls Royce too.
Penny stopped where she was and walked over to the passenger’s side window at the very end.
…
…
… Wait. The walk is a little longer than Penny expected.
…
…
Penny finally made it and with that, the window’s rolled down, gushing out superball of amrbosia, gin and saforn that could suffocate a rat. Penny sank to her knees and coughed as the motherer to end all motherers (like this dude was literally a motherer) stuck his head out of the window and grinned.
“Penelope Shannon.”
“Holden McRotch the Third.”, Penny coughed. “I thought I recognized your foul stench.”
“It’s the stench of…”, Holden reared out his head further out the window and finished his sentence by screaming into Penny’s ear. “… DECADENCE!”
Penny spat into his eyes. “Freak.”
“It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve returned to Little Olympia.”
“I’m right here, aren’t I?”
“… Erm, of course you are.”
Penny rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Anyway, what do you want?”
“… Erm…”
“You haven’t figured it out yet, haven’t you?”
“There’s a plan!”
Penny pinched Holden’s cheek in a deathlock. “D’awww, of course there is!”
“Enough!”, Holden hissed as he forced away Penny’s hand. “You’ve returned to Little Olympia and thus, I will prove to everyone in this miserable little town how insignificant you and your kind are.” Holden huffed fancifully let his arm dangle before Penny. “You are beneath me!”
Penny reached for Holden’s wrist and wrenched it. “You want to say that to me again?”
Squirming away, Holden took a bottle of ambrosia and sprayed the decadently overpowering musk into Penny’s eyes, blinding her as his limo sped off.
“This is only the beginning, Shannon!”, Holden cried, shaking his fist. “This is only the beginni-”
-Unbeknownst to Holden, the limo drove past a Stop Sign and not having paid any attention to the direction his driver took him, the back of Holden’s head collided against the steel frame of the stop sign, knocking him out cold as he dangled out the window.
Penny chased the car as far as she could and when she couldn’t run anymore, Penny flipped him off and yelled out, “SEVRES YOU RIGHT, YOU MOTHERER!”
A young mother walked by with a toddler on the stroller.
Penny looked at her and shrugged. “Well, he is! Like literally, he’s ed his mother.”
So with that, Penny turned her head and walked away, trying to remember that song she was singing before she was so rudely interrupted.
Reeling himself back into the limo, Holden McRotch III sprawled himself over the floor, squirming on the ground, whimpering as crawled towards the minibar.
“Wilfred!”, Holden called out.
Wilfred turned down the window that divided the driver’s side from the rest of the limo and gazed at his fallen master. “Yes, sir?”
“To the Whistle-Stop!”, Holden moaned, opening the minibar now as he fished out a fresh bottle of ridiculously expensive soda water. “A pretty little penny laid her filthy little fingers on me- that vile hippie wench is as worthless as her namesake. War is upon us and it is time for me to cast the next move.”
“Very well, sir.”.
In exactly one hour, the six o’clock rush was going to commence. Anyone coming back from work or school or all the zombies who were getting ready to work the graveyard shifts were going to come in and the Whistle-Stop was going to pack up for a good hour and a half.
All that was exactly one hour away and one hour was all Kevin needed to finish his story. He’s had this idea brewing up for a while now: a coming of age story set in the summer of ’88. It would follow a nineteen year old named Tim, an optimistic outcast who’s set on taking over world and winning the heart of the prettiest girl in school, who happens to be just as much of an outcast as he is.
Kevin had high hopes for this story and with a fresh cup of coffee, a clean ashtray, a plethora of cigarettes within arm’s reach, Kevin set his laptop on the counter.
Okay. One hour. One more hour. Everything was perfect- almost.
Oh, wait. Kevin forgot the music!
Kevin took the jack from the sound system and plugged it into his laptop.
The Replacements’ “Within Your Reach.”
Alright. One hour. One more hour. Everything was perfect.
Kevin continued from where he left off last night: the emotional climax where Lauren decides whether she leaves for Europe or stays with Tim. He already wrote the build-up last night and here he was in the very moment itself. Any writer worth a grain of salt spends their time writing to build to a moment like this- a moment so strong that it’s a reminder of what they started writing about in the first place and Kevin was letting it all out.
Typing away at his keyboard with his eyes closed, lost in the silent symphony that swept through him, instinctively clicking the right keys before his mind could even put everything together.
It was perfect!
Nothing could take Kevin away from finish this masterpiece but the two ninjas that crashed through the window of the Whistle-Stop. The ninjas tumbled through the wreck, rolling with the grace and tenacity of a certain blue hedgehog to the very end of the store, only to hop up and strike a karate pose at the exact same time, yelling, “HIIIYAAAAAAH!”
Kevin was actually entertained by the sudden and completely unwelcome distraction that absolutely killed his buzz.
The two ninjas charged towards the counter.
Kevin leaned over and held out his hand, stopping them. “Wait. I just gotta save this.”
The two ninjas looked at him.
“I’m working on this story and I’m at a really important part.” Kevin said, looking down at his computer as he saved his work. “It’ll just be a minute.”
The two ninjas remained where they were.
With the document saved up, Kevin stashed the laptop beneath the counter and focused his attention back on the ninjas. “Alright… What the hell’s this about? That is literally the third window we’ve had to replace.”
… And then it dawned on him. “God damn it, Penny!”
The two ninjas pushed forward with a karate punch, but Kevin ducked it and punched the ninja on the right in the face and then leapt over the counter, taking the other ninja down with a tackle. Kevin was totally ready to beat this ninja’s face in when the other ninja grabbed a bottle of Snapple and broke it right over Kevin’s skull, knocking him out.
-3-
“Awww, crap. Not-a-ing-gain!” Penny said, as she arrived back at the Whistle-Stop, looking at the broken window and the half dozen of dumbs inside, actually taking crap. Then again, if Penny was in their position, she would totally do the same thing- but still. This was her store and the crap wasn’t cool.
Penny hopped over the broken window and screamed at the people inside, “YOU S BETTER DROP WHATEVER YOU HAVE IN YOUR HANDS OR SO HELP ME, I WILL KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!”
The vandals all gazed up at Penny, but it was too late, the Velocity Grrrl had already taken to the air with a boot aimed right at the first er in front of her, just getting him in the side of the head with a stomp so hard that something actually cracked.
“I can do this all night…”
And just like that, the vandals made a beeline through the front door. The whole lot of them, teenagers, homeless people, and the occasional cheapskate just running away from a beating every single one of them knew was coming.
And oh yeah, somewhere through all this, Celeste popped her way back into the picture.
“Took you long enough.”
“I was really hoping you’d have sorted out what’s going on with Scarlett and the WFWF before you got yourself into trouble.”
“I talked to Slanted and Enchanted!”
“So?”
“They’re totally coming back with me.”
“And?”
“That’s pretty much it.”
“What about Scarlett?”
“What about Scarlett?”
“Don’t you remotely feel sorry at all for what you did to her?”
“Yeah, I do. But I’m not going to sit around and let it bother me, especially right now with all this crap going on.”
“Oh, I wonder who could have done this?”
“Gee, I wonder too?”, Penny snapped back. “I don’t see why you have to give me any of this crap, you know very well why I did what I did.”
“You haven’t stopped running ever since Scars & Stripes, I just needed to know if there was something even in there.”
Penny sank to her knees and sighed. “This is killing me and I’m just going to give it time to repair itself, because that is the only thing I can do and you know what? it. I’ve waited around long enough. It’s my turn now!” Penny turned her head. “I’m ing tired of waiting.”
“Alright.”, Celeste nodded, accepting it. The pixie fluttered over and kissed Penny on the cheek. “Come on girl, it’s time to kick some a**.”
Penny grinned and rose to her feet.
“Now go, I can take care of the mess.”
Penny ran to the front door and looked back at Celeste. “Thank you.”
“There's something waiting for you outside.”
Turning her head out the door, Penny found her beloved car, the white Volkswagen Beetle she dubbed, the Bratmobile, standing outside the Whistlestop, just gleaming in it's newness.
Penny had to squeeled the moment she saw it; covering her lips now as a part of her just wanted to cry. And awww, the window on the driver's side was rolled down already so she could jump through the door. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone could have done to Penny.
Taking out her phone, Penny called up Slanted. "Get the girlfriend ready and meet me in D'yokitsh Manor in fifteen minutes."
And with all that finally taken care of, the Velocity Grrrl jumped through the driver's side window, fired up the Bratmbile and sped off into the setting sun.
It was the irritating sax from British soft-pop that stirred Kevin up. He found himself tied down to… Jesus had to be kidding- stirrups? Really?
Anyway, there was Kevin: held down in stirrups with his legs spread apart as he found himself in a dark room with only the moonlight as the source of light, surrounded by terrible British soft-pop that turned out to be an even more terrible cover of a Spice Girls song.
“Too Much”… Penny went through that Spice Girls phase and as ashamed as he was to admit it, Kevin could easily recognize a Spice Girls song on the strength of its opening lyric.
Shadows moved in the distance, a number of them. Kevin squinted his eyes to try to get a better look and saw the sharply dressed, three piece band responsible for this headache standing against the only window while what Kevin presumed to be a ballerina did some kind of interpretive dance.
Clad in the finest silk robes from the orient and a pair of Aladin slippers, the eccentric millionaire, Holden McCrotch III billowed from the shadows and approached Holden.
“I see you’ve… Awaken?”
“Stirrups?”, Kevin shot back. “Really dude? You couldn’t afford anything else?”
“It was all we could find in such… Short notice.”
“Okay, I’ll accept that.”, Kevin shrugged. “What did my sister do this time?”
“Why heavens would you think this could have been the result of your carpet chewing sister?”
“Don’t know, could be because she’s the only one else in town with the nerve to point out what a motherf*cker you are!”
Holden got on the defense. “HEY! It was only that one time!”- spit actually spewed out of his mouth
“One time? So you admit it?”
“I’ve said enough.”, Holden said, whisking himself away.
“A bit too much.”
Holden b*tchslapped Kevin with a backhand and leaned in a little too close. “Now listen up you pathetic, little clerk: after tonight, I shall rid Little Olympia of you and that ghastly, wretched wench you call a sister and this town shall be… MINE!”
Holden McRotch III swayed along to the British soft-pop rendition of the Spice Girls’ “Too Much”, waltzing away like a delicate little twig. Twirling about with his arms flailed in the air until coming to a stop. “Let today be the day when Little Olympia rises into a posh, luxurious and elaborately expensive retreat for the financially privileged!”
“-Not so fast, o.”
A single bolt of lightning cut right through the night as Holden McRotch III turned his to find Penny standing at the doorway. “No one… Not a single person, living or dead, will ever get away with messing up the Spice Girls! Prepare to die, motherer!”
“PENNY!”, Holden and Kevin cried out simultaneously.
Penny was the first of the three of them to make her way inside. The plan was pretty simple: Penny was going after Holden McCrotch III while Slanted and Enchanted beat some guards and saved her brother. It was all pretty straight forward without any need to get into any kind of specific strategy, it was just pretty much a matter of busting up D’yokitsh Manor and getting the sh*t done.
Getting in from the main gate was easy enough; Penny released a grenade of some pretty premium smoke that knocked out the muscled-up lightweights that patrolled the perimeter.
Penny took her opening towards the front door and split up with our dynamic duo, leaving Slanted and Enchanted to scale the exterior walls of D’yokitsh Manor.
“-FREEZE!”
Enchanted eyes totally popped out of her sockets the moment she felt the barrel of the gun press against the side of her head.
Quickly and using all of his (alleged) Jedi training, Slanted spun around and withdrew a nail-covered baseball bat from his back, striking the juicehead in the side of his ‘roided up head.
The juicehead did not utter a single sound as he slumped to the ground. With the nails buried pretty deep into his skin, Slanted had to yank the nail-covered baseball bat away from his face.
Enchanted threw her arms around Slanted and kissed him. “You’re the only boy I’ll allow to save me!”
Slanted kissed Enchanted back and held her hand. “Anything for you, my lov-”
Another stupid juicehead had to interrupt what was an incredibly romantic moment between a boy and his girlfriend by striking Slanted in the back of the head with a cheap karate kick.
Slanted slumped before Enchanted and with that, blood rushed up Enchanted’s head, coloring her pretty face with a flush of violent red.
“That’s my boyfriend, you stupid bastard!” Enchanted cried as she charged towards the juicehead, turning over her heels that the girl knocked him out with a fierce cannonball.
Enchanted spun up to her heels and withdrew her own nail-covered baseball bat (a pink one <3) and smashed it into the juicehead’s ugly face with enough force that his neck involuntarily jerked to the side.
Enchanted huffed until she began to subside into a deep breath, centering herself to the task at hand.
Enchanted shut her eyes tight and whispered, “Regardless of how much butt this girl can kick, a lady is always a lady.”
And with that and despite her short frame and the fact that her boyfriend probably outweighed her by a good sixty something pounds, Enchanted picked up Slanted and let him hang gently over her shoulder, cradling him now as she picked up her weapon and walked towards the kitchen door.
With a slip in his step from his finest silk robe from the orient, Holden McCrotch III hightailed out of the grand ballroom, leaving behind Kevin, the stirrups, the horrendous British soft-pop three piece, and the interpretive ballerina that was obviously employed.
… Of course, Penny was after him!
In the main room, Holden scrambled up the stairs and he covered his silk robe with the weight of his forearms, a delicately faint yelp trailing from his lips.
Penny didn’t take her eye off him as she sprang onto the sofa, using it to springboard her over to the antique frame that made up the handrail of the ridiculously old staircase. Penny ran up the staircase and just when she was close enough to Holden, the Velocity Grrrl took to the air with a front dropkick, holding her legs together as her body came crashing with all the force of a rocket.
Holden cried about as he shifted to his side and opened his arms to grab Penny just enough to direct her towards the wall.
It was pretty ugly splat that met Penny the moment she got into contact with the wall, slamming hard that her body hit the wooden floorboard with a pretty sickening thud.
Holden McRotch III seized his opportunity to lay his first chance at any kind of offense and gave Penny a mean kick against her ****.
“YOU ASS!”, Penny screamed, curling to her side and she held herself.
“Such a pity for such a pretty penny.”, Holden began, walking over to Penny. “You’re so high that you can’t even see that the ground you stand over has always belonged to me. You can kiss your career goodbye here… Such, a shame...” Holden leaned in close. “… That… It will never end… In, a wrestling ring.”
“But it all comes to full circle, doesn’t it?”, Holden breathed out with a grin as he got himself closer, uncomfortably closer. “In the very place your mother failed to stand up to the test, you too, shall fail!”
Along with having to sit through that needlessly breathy speech, Penny had to lie there, in complete agony (motherer kicked her right in the cooch!) with Holden’s legs spread apart enough for the robe to hike up one leg and provide Penny with a really unsettling view that will never leave her imagination regardless of the number of hot showers she takes, weeping at the very sight of those balls!
… Wait a minute!
“Babe?”
“Hmm?”
“What’s going on?”
“Oh!”
Enchanted had strangely gotten used to cradling Slanted that it took her a moment to realize that he was finally starting to come to. Quickly, Enchanted put Slanted down and rushed up to give him a nice kiss on the lips.
“What happened?”
“You got kicked in the back of the head by a juicehead.”
“Damn. You kick his a**?”
“You’re damn right I kicked his a**!”
Slanted kissed Enchanted and took her hand. “Up for kicking some a** with me?”
“You bet your sweet a** I am!”
And with that, Slanted and Enchanted withdrew both their nail-covered baseball bats and rushed through the first door in front of them, just plowing into a hallway that was covered with a platoon of juiced-up guards that we’re just waiting for the chance to show how strong and tough they were.
Slanted and Enchanted tensed back as quickly and as quietly as they could.
“Think they saw us?”
“No.”
“You really think so?”
“No, I'm sorry.”, Slanted replied, getting all Tennanty
“We gotta do something!”
Slanted tapped Enchanted’s shoulder and nodded to one of those serving carts they had in hotels and fancy restaurants.
“That could work!”
“Right?!”, Slanted hushed out.
Quickly, Enchanted got into the bottom bunk of the serving cart and hid beneath the white linen covering. Slanted grabbed the end of the serving cart and dashed into the hallway, screaming out, “HEY JUICEHEADS!”
The juicehead guards turned to Slanted and began their charge. Slanted raced towards them and the moment the serving cart had enough momentum, Slanted hooped on the top of the cart and began down the hallway. Slanted took out two squirtguns from his hoodie and fired at the security, spraying them with a combination of cat piss and poison ivy, taking one deliberate headshot after the other.
With the guards blinded by the irritating sting of fresh ammonia, Enchanted forced her nail-covered baseball bat through the serving tray’s white-linen and started taking out knees and shins.
The speed the cart was racing through had enough impact that the nails could effortlessly pry themselves off whatever they latched onto, ripping a pretty nasty wound that pieced through the flesh into nothing but meat.
Enchanted maniacally swung away, busting up juiceheads left and right until the bat sunk so deep into one juicehead’s skin that it got stuck so bad, that it forced the serving tray into such an abrupt stop that the juicehead literally split his shin into two while Slanted and Enchanted spilled into whatever was left of the hallway.
Slanted was the first to scramble back to his feet, grabbing Enchanted's arm and hoisting her now over his shoulders as he barged into the room closest to them.
“-You two?!”
Slanted couldn’t help but grin as he looked at Enchanted and said, “Awww babe, look! We found Kevin!”
Enchanted turned her head to Kevin and just burst out in hysterical laughter.
“F*cking hell, get me out of here!”
Enchanted really tried her best to hold her laughter, she really did. “Put me down and do what he says.”
“Why’s there a ballerina?”
“I don’t f*cking care!”, Kevin yelled. “Untie me!”.
The semi-shriveled testicles of Holden McRotch III remained exactly where we last left them; dangling, just about a lump bigger on the right, not a single strand of hair to be found on its surface.
And there it was just dangling about in front of Penny.
The bitch had no idea what kind of hell he was sinking himself into.
“And now, Pretty Penny…”, Holden breathed, arching himself into dramatic pose. “You… Will… Diiiiieeeeeeee!!!”
And as the eccentric mothering millionaire lurched over to strangle the life outta Penny, Penny choked out his disgustingly smooth testicles in a deathlock, clutching just right at the top with enough room to give him a squeeze strong enough to cut off the blood from circulating.
Holden McRotch III couldn’t even mouth together a cry for help; he just broke. And as Penny pulled back on her testicular deathlock, Penny reeled him in with an uppercut right in the kisser so violent that it knocked him backward; unintentionally forcing the testicular deathlock away from Penny’s hand, breaking Holden in half is such a manner one could never imagine it on their worst enemies!
Holden McRotch III fell on his back and tinkled down the staircase; his body so broken, his genitals numb… His body hardly had anything inside of it to guide him down the rest of the way, so he just stopped there, in the middle of the staircase… Twitching.
Penny remained where she was at the top of the staircase, just giving herself a moment to take everything in. She ran her hand up her cheek and wiped away the sweat when she suddenly realized that the hand she was using was the very same hand she used for the testicular deathgrip.
“EW!”, Penny yelped as she quickly retrieved a small vial of hand-sanitizer from the pouch of her hoodie.
“-Penny!”
Wiping her hands clean, Penny looked over and saw Kevin, Slanted, and Enchanted rush into the room; their eyes wide, their jaws dropped, just absolutely taken back by whatever was left of Holden McRotch III
“What did you do to him?”
“I think I broke him.”, Penny said, standing up now as she held onto the hand rail and limped down the staircase
“I’m not even going to ask.”
“Don’t!”, Penny said, turning her head as she directed her gaze down upon Holden McRotch III.
“I’m going to get you for this, Pretty Penny!”, Holden hissed. “You’ll see!”
Penny knelt before him and grinned. “I guess you were right. Things do come in full-circle, huh? Here I am, pretty much finishing off the job my mother started. So for all the good people you drove from their homes and for all the crappy tourists we’ve had to deal it, this one’s on them! As long as my lungs are capable of supporting all the weed I smoke into it, there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to let you take over this town!”
Penny looked at Kevin, Slanted and Enchanted as she limped down the remaining steps. “First the WFWF, tomorrow the world.”
And with that, Penny limped her way out the front door.
Kevin nodded and followed after her.
Slanted and Enchanted held each other’s hand and soon quickly followed.
“I feel like I’m forgetting something.”, Penny trailed… “Oh, right!”
And Holden, well… He was still lying there, twitching.
“YOU NO GOOD, CARPET FEEDING WENCH! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!”
Penny charged back up the staircase and knocked out Holden McRotch III with a stiff shot against the jaw.
“There we go!”, Penny said, smiling playfully now as she let her fingers entwine behind her.
-4-
Leave it to that foxy, little weed pixie to stay true to her word: the Whistlestop was just in perfect condition by the time Penny and Kevin got home; the windows repaired the cash in the register still in fact and it looked like everything that was taken had returned. Kevin still had to take an inventory and see if everything was still in place, but even then, he refused to admit to his sister that it could have been the work of a foxy, little weed pixie like Celeste Cuddlepunk.
And while there was that strand of nerve inside her that wanted to argue, Penny actually did a very, very grown up thing and accepted it. They had cameras in the place anyway so if ever that lying jerk ever wanted to see it for himself, it was all there.
The morning after came a lot sooner than they thought it would and just as quickly as she had come back home, it was time again for Penny to say her goodbye and venture back into the great, big world called the Wrestling Figs Wrestling Federation- a terrible name for a promotion so violent.
There was a small little crowd outside the Whistlestop.
“Remember to call me every three hours.”, Slanted’s mom said to Slanted, turning to Enchanted now to remind her. “Please, don’t forget to remind him to call me every three hours.” Slanted’s Mom pulled him close for a bear hug. “Oh, my baby boy! Why do you want to spend your life making people hurt you?”
“I hurt them back!”
“Don’t say that!”
“But it’s true!”
Kevin dug his hands into his pocket, turned to Penny and said, “So, that’s that huh?”
“Yeah, I really wasn’t planning on staying for long anyway.” Penny replied, smiling at her brother. “Besides, wouldn’t I be cramping your style?”
“A little bit, yeah.”
“Wish me good luck?”
“Who’re you fighting on the next show?”
“Some dude named Hendrix.”
“Is he new?”
“Yeah, he is.”
“He’s in for a beating.”
“I know.”, Penny sighed, chuckling lightly. “The poor bastard doesn’t even stand a chance.”
“Get me something cool from the road?”
“Will do!”, Penny said, waving at Kevin now as she stepped into the driver’s seat of the Bratmobile, slamming the door shut behind her. Penny looked back at Slanted and Enchanted, whistling at them to get their move on.
Slanted gave his mom one last hug and ran to the Bratmobile. “SHOTGUN!”
“It’s all yours, dude.”, Enchanted said, slipping into the backseat. “I’m gonna be making a fort back here.”
Slanted hurled his backpack into the passenger’s seat and strapped on his seatbelt.
“LETS SOME SH*T UP!”, Penny yelled, honking the horn of the Bratmobile as she sped the car away from the Whistlestop, rushing it into the freeway at good thousand miles-per-hour.