Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 22:54:58 GMT -5
After a fairly successful excursion to the Kingdom of Manliness, Stan McMann, the manliest manly man of all men and his noble stead, Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck (yeah, he grew another point because he’s so manly, wanna fight about it?) left, in fear that they would maim more manly men like they did in their brief time there. Manly men are an endangered species and while there is absolutely no fear that they will go extinct because Stan McMann’s manliness permeates all living and non-living beings, the world can use as many manly men as it can possibly get. I mean seriously, Justin Beiber lives on this planet, we need at least 12,000 manly men to counteract that bitch.
Stan McMann is headed to the luscious forests of MANkato MANnesota, where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word. AND WHEN I SAY SELDOM I MEAN NEVER BECAUSE IF SOME BITCH COMES UP IN MANkato AND TRIES BLABBING OUT SOME MOTHERING DISCOURAGING WORD STAN MCMANN WITH TWO N’S BECAUSE IT’S MANLIER THAT WAY ING DONKEY PUNCHES THAT TWAT RIGHT IN THE MOTHER ING DICK HOLE. Oh, and there are also no antelope, because that would be geographically incorrect, you idiot. Riding the bare, muscular back of Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck, who is propulsing through the air using his incredibly manly and bad for the environment anus rockets, Stan McMann has arrived home, a place he hasn’t seen since he had set off on his journey to the Kingdom of Manliness.
Stan McMann: My penis is tingling!
That means something is wrong, you ing pervert. It’s a manly power you clearly are not manly enough to comprehend.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: HOLY S**T. WE MUST MAKETH HASTE AND GETETH BACKETH TO THE FORTRESS OF MANITUDE, MOTHER ER.
The Fortress of Manitude, better known as the home of Stan McMann, the manliest manly man, is quite manly. It is so manly that a woman is not allowed within 50 feet of it, or else her tits will shrink. And you don’t want a woman’s tits to shrink, that’s all they’re good for. Stan McMann is classy, he brings all of his women to fancy hotels where he can bang them instead of his house. A real manly man is classy. Anyways, the Fortress of Manitude, being surrounded by a circle of sturdy tall yew trees and guarded by Stan McMann’s trained wolves has clearly been invaded.
Stan McMann: Who the are these bitches?
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: HOLY S**T, IT’S WORSE THAN I COULDST HAST EVER FEARED.
Stan McMann: What is it, my manly compatriot?
Huck gasped, knowing that a war was about to happen. As the duo flew closer to the ground it was apparently some form of protest. Approximately 50 big stupid idiots all of them fat and ugly and probably really dumb and definitely not manly at all.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: …..BETA
Stan McMann: What’s a BETA?
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: NOT WHAT, WHO THOU BIG STUPID, YET INCREDIBLY MANLY MAN. BETA IS A GROUP OF PEOPLE. THEY ART THE BITCHES FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS.
Stan McMann: GASP! Who gives a about animals? The only thing they’re good for is eating. And shooting in the face.
Landing at their gate, Stan McMann, the manliest manly man, and Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck see what the BETA idiots are protesting about this time. Several people are holding RIP signs for the rare and glorious Bearicorn that Stan McMann made extinct by TOTALLY ING MURDERING THEM several weeks ago.
Stan McMann: How do they know about Bearicorns?
BETA Bitch #1: You posted about it online!
Stan McMann, while incredibly manly and way better in bed than you are, forgot one thing. BETA members research online for reasons to get their panties in a bunch. The group then begins to chant, having come face to face with the manly testosterone filled force that caused their beloved Bearicorns to go extinct.
BETA Bitches: Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too!
It was almost as annoying as the font I use. Almost.
BETA Bitches: Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too!
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: HOLY S**T WOULDST THOU SHUTETH THEE ING MOUTHS.
BETA Bitches: Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too!
One of the BETA Bitches then tries to throw paint at the GLORIOUS, BUSHY, FULL, MOIST, FLAWLESS, PERFECT, AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, BODACIOUS, INDESCRIBABLE, DESCRIBABLE, BOUNDLESS, IMMEASURABLE, GROOVY, MUSTACHE OF STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN. Because for some reason these idiots think throwing paint solves their problems. Acting in manly haste with the reflexes of a lion on Adderall, Stan McMannn pulls out his ultimate weapon, THE MIGHTY SACKBUT.
13 Year Old Boy Who Is Here For Some Reason: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SACKBUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Blowing into his gigantic Sackbut, Stan McMann begins to play a tune that can only be described as being the Beethoven's 9th Symphony of today, only way better and infinitely manlier. The paint, still flying through the air in slow motion, stops dead in its tracks and avoids touching Stan McMann, Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck, and the Fortress of Manitude. As Stan McMann plays his tune, the horde of protesters drop to their knees, seeing that their vegan, non-animal-killing lives have been nothing but a waste thus far. BIRDS COME FLYING OUT OF THE SKY, PARALYZED BY THE PURE EUPHORIA THAT HEARING THE MUSIC OF STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN OF ALL MEN. CHIPMUNKS COME FALLING OUT OF THE TREES, NO LONGER HAVING THE WILL TO LIVE KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NOT BE HAPPIER THAN THEY WERE ON THE DAY THEY HEARD STAN MCMANN PLAY HIS MANLY SACKBUT. ONE WOMAN’S HEAD EXPLODES, CAUSING SEVERAL OF THE BETA BITCHES TO SCREAM IN AMAZEMENT.
BETA Bitch #34: HOLY S**T YOU KILLED KIRK’S BRIDE. KIRK’S BRIDE COULD NOT HANDLE THIS MANLINESS. OH MY GOD I’M HAVING AN ORGASM DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’M COVERED IN KIRK’S BRIDE’S BRAIN GUTS AND EYEBALL GOO. KIRK’S BRIDE IS SUCH A BITCH SINCE SHE COULDN’T HANDLE EVEN THE MANLY MUSIC OF STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN. ANYONE WITH THE WORDS KIRK OR BRIDE IN THEIR NAME MUST BE REALLY UNMANLY, STUPID, AND COMPLETELY INADEQUATE IN THE BEDROOM. AND GOD HELP THE SOUL THAT HAS BOTH KIRK AND BRIDE IN THEIR NAME. HOLY GOD I JUST HAD A SEVENTH ORGASM SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAID I WAS HAVING AN ORGASM THE FIRST TIME. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO EAT MEAT AND KILL ANIMALS.
The BETA bitch turns her attention to all of the birds and chipmunks that are currently paralyzed on the ground, likely drowning in their own drool and arousal. Turning her attention to a bird nearest to her, she closes in, fire in her eyes. Picking it up, her blood thirst gets the best of her as SHE BITES TWEETY’S HEAD RIGHT OFF. Having her first taste of meat, the woman goes insane. All around, the BETA bitches have done similar deeds as ALVIN AND TWEETY HEADS GO FLYING EVERYWHERE AS CRAZY VEGAN BITCHES SPIT THEM OUT OF THEIR NEWLY NON-VEGAN MOUTHS. LOOKING TO SATISFY THEIR NEW BLOODTHIRST, THE FLOCK OF IDIOTS BEGIN ATTACKING ONE ANOTHER, FIGHTING OVER THE FALLEN BIRDS AND CHIPMUNKS. - Stanley! - THE WOMEN ARE SERIOUSLY FIGHTING AS PIECES OF HAIR GO FLYING EVERYWHERE - Stanley! - AND STAN MCMANN TAKES A LOOSE TOOTH RIGHT TO THE FOREHEAD!
??: STANLEY!
Back to reality, the place that Stanley McMannus loathed the most. At least in his mind he was a great fighter, a true man. Here he was simply, crazy. Apparently he had a broken brain, at least according to psychiatrists. Stanley was here with Dr. Rubenstein, WFWF’s resident psychiatrist. Before signing his contract, McMannus was required to agree to meet with Dr. Rubenstein on a weekly basis and describe his grandiose delusions, the primary symptom of his bipolar disorder.
Dr. Rubenstein: Welcome back, Stanley.
Slinking in his chair, McMannus knew that this particular meeting was only about half way over. Dr. Rubenstein’s poodle, Poochy, climbed on Stanley’s lap. McMannus’ hatred towards animals required him to have an animal in the room at all times when undergoing his sessions. The room was small and restricting, choking Stanley every second he was in the room.
Dr. Rubenstein: Let’s get back to business shall we?
Stanley McMannus: I’d much rather go back to the place I just was, I was seriously about to punch a BETA bi-
Dr. Rubenstein: Now now, Stanley. What did I tell you about using such derogatory language during our sessions? I understand that you have a character to withhold but that is no reason to act the way that you do towards women.
Stanley McMannus: How about I say what I want and you sit there and listen, eh shrink?
McMannus just wanted to go back, back to the place where he was the manliest, back to the place where he could punch a hole straight through a grizzly bear and kill in on the spot. He felt powerful when he was Stan McMann, the manliest manly man. It was more than a persona to him, it was his preferred way of life. Here, he was a struggling character actor looking for a quick buck by joining the professional wrestling scene. There, he was a God among men.
He looked up into the gaze of Dr. Rubenstein. He felt the judgement in his cold gaze as he lounged in the chair that he was required to sit in. Fingering through his notes, Dr. Rubenstein’s eyes darted back and forth, most likely wondering what was wrong with McMannus. But you know what? Nothing is wrong, at least as far as he was concerned. If it weren’t for the cash that the WFWF was providing for him, he wouldn’t even be here right now. He would be in the forests of MANkato MANnesota, probably chopping down trees or maybe killing an animal.
Dr. Rubenstein: I’d like to do something a little different now. I realize that you and I don’t know each other very well. I would like to change that, tell me a little bit about yourself. It can be anything, really. Where you’re from, what you like to do, I don’t know, you could even tell me about your mother.
Mother. That’s a word Stanley wished he hadn’t of just said. Sliding back into his subconscious, McMannus returns to his childhood home of Mankato, which is actually a real city in the state of Minnesota believe it or not. However, for Stanley McMannus, memories of Mankato do not involve lush forests or rivers or living in a tree. Stanley McMannus has a bit more of a twisted history.
His father died when Stanley was at a young age, as cliché as it sounds. Being to sole provider for the McMannus family, this death sent Stanley, an only child, and his mother spiraling into poverty. Having no particular skills or abilities of her own, Stanley’s mother was forced to become a waitress just to make ends meet. The meager salary along with monthly government welfare checks allowed Stanley’s mother to keep a roof over their heads. However, Stanley’s mother was a bit, to put it lightly, disturbed. Stanley’s father’s death sent her spiraling into substance abuse problems. Often times, she would take her aggressions out on Stanley, once even slitting Stanley’s upper lip with a razor blade in a fit of drug induced rage. The ugly scar is the reason Stanley grows his mustache.
As a teenager, Stanley often locked himself into his bedroom, hiding from the wrath of his mother. Now big enough of overpower her, he did not have the heart to do so. Despite this, his disdain for her grew and she grew older. Stanley could not be intimate with any women as a result of his mother’s treatment, and rarely allowed anyone, especially women to get close to him. At the age of 16, Stanley’s mother committed suicide, putting a shotgun in her mouth, Kurt Cobain style. No note, no I love you, no goodbye, no nothing. Stanley McMannus never truly understood what love was.
After bouncing around foster homes until he was old enough to live on his own, Stanley McMannus moved to Los Angeles in hopes of becoming a character actor using his prized character, Stan McMann, the manliest manly man who could do anything imaginable. He marginally famous on the Santa Monica boardwalk, taking pictures with tourists as Stan McMann for tips that let him pay his rent and put some food on the table. Even so, he struggled to get by.
Finding no light at the end of the tunnel, McMannus turned to drugs. Levodopa was the drug of choice. Levodopa is commonly used for the treatment of Parkinson’s patients and provides patients with a level of dopamine that they normally wouldn’t have had without it. McMannus became dependent on the drug, and was unhappy unless he had it. This had its side effects however, notably the blurring of the lines of reality and fantasy for Stanley, who often times cannot tell the difference between Stanley McMannus, the man, and Stan McMann, the character.
Still reliant on the drug to feel happy, Stanley McMannus has turned to the WFWF, a last ditch effort to get himself, and Stan McMann some notoriety. He hopes that the exposure will earn him fans that will want to see McMann in feature films and television programs, finally giving him his big break. Besides, if he didn’t come up with money soon, his Levodopa addiction would no longer be able to be supplied.
Dr. Rubenstein: Uh, Stanley?
Snapping back to reality, Stanley realizes that he had been speaking out loud this entire time. Mouth agape, Dr. Rubenstein’s pen struggles to keep up with McMannus’ words.
Stanley McMannus: How long have I been talking for?
Dr. Rubenstein: Long enough.
Stanley McMannus: S**t….
Stanley’s mind raced. This guy was gonna put him in the looney bin. And with an ass like his, he wouldn’t do well in the looney bin. Oh wait, that’s prison. Never mind.
Dr. Rubenstein: Wow Stanley, this was a very productive meeting. So you’re telling me, you grew up very poor after your father died when you were young, causing your mother have a mental breakdown. Which led her to drugs and abusing you until she committed suicide. This treatment from your mother caused you to become incredibly misogynistic, causing you to create the Stan McMann character, which you sometimes believe is the real you because of your own drug abuse?
Stanley McMannus: Wow, I really was speaking out loud that entire time, wasn’t I?
Dr. Rubenstein: Is this all true, Stanley?
Stanley looks Dr. Rubenstein straight in the face. Having just poured his heart out to the psychiatrist, he believes that there may now be an end in sight. Letting go of all inhibitions, Stanley answers Dr. Rubenstein’s question.
Stan McMann is headed to the luscious forests of MANkato MANnesota, where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word. AND WHEN I SAY SELDOM I MEAN NEVER BECAUSE IF SOME BITCH COMES UP IN MANkato AND TRIES BLABBING OUT SOME MOTHERING DISCOURAGING WORD STAN MCMANN WITH TWO N’S BECAUSE IT’S MANLIER THAT WAY ING DONKEY PUNCHES THAT TWAT RIGHT IN THE MOTHER ING DICK HOLE. Oh, and there are also no antelope, because that would be geographically incorrect, you idiot. Riding the bare, muscular back of Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck, who is propulsing through the air using his incredibly manly and bad for the environment anus rockets, Stan McMann has arrived home, a place he hasn’t seen since he had set off on his journey to the Kingdom of Manliness.
Stan McMann: My penis is tingling!
That means something is wrong, you ing pervert. It’s a manly power you clearly are not manly enough to comprehend.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: HOLY S**T. WE MUST MAKETH HASTE AND GETETH BACKETH TO THE FORTRESS OF MANITUDE, MOTHER ER.
The Fortress of Manitude, better known as the home of Stan McMann, the manliest manly man, is quite manly. It is so manly that a woman is not allowed within 50 feet of it, or else her tits will shrink. And you don’t want a woman’s tits to shrink, that’s all they’re good for. Stan McMann is classy, he brings all of his women to fancy hotels where he can bang them instead of his house. A real manly man is classy. Anyways, the Fortress of Manitude, being surrounded by a circle of sturdy tall yew trees and guarded by Stan McMann’s trained wolves has clearly been invaded.
Stan McMann: Who the are these bitches?
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: HOLY S**T, IT’S WORSE THAN I COULDST HAST EVER FEARED.
Stan McMann: What is it, my manly compatriot?
Huck gasped, knowing that a war was about to happen. As the duo flew closer to the ground it was apparently some form of protest. Approximately 50 big stupid idiots all of them fat and ugly and probably really dumb and definitely not manly at all.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: …..BETA
Stan McMann: What’s a BETA?
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: NOT WHAT, WHO THOU BIG STUPID, YET INCREDIBLY MANLY MAN. BETA IS A GROUP OF PEOPLE. THEY ART THE BITCHES FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS.
Stan McMann: GASP! Who gives a about animals? The only thing they’re good for is eating. And shooting in the face.
Landing at their gate, Stan McMann, the manliest manly man, and Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck see what the BETA idiots are protesting about this time. Several people are holding RIP signs for the rare and glorious Bearicorn that Stan McMann made extinct by TOTALLY ING MURDERING THEM several weeks ago.
Stan McMann: How do they know about Bearicorns?
BETA Bitch #1: You posted about it online!
Stan McMann, while incredibly manly and way better in bed than you are, forgot one thing. BETA members research online for reasons to get their panties in a bunch. The group then begins to chant, having come face to face with the manly testosterone filled force that caused their beloved Bearicorns to go extinct.
BETA Bitches: Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too!
It was almost as annoying as the font I use. Almost.
BETA Bitches: Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too!
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: HOLY S**T WOULDST THOU SHUTETH THEE ING MOUTHS.
BETA Bitches: Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too! Bearicorns have feelings too!
One of the BETA Bitches then tries to throw paint at the GLORIOUS, BUSHY, FULL, MOIST, FLAWLESS, PERFECT, AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, BODACIOUS, INDESCRIBABLE, DESCRIBABLE, BOUNDLESS, IMMEASURABLE, GROOVY, MUSTACHE OF STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN. Because for some reason these idiots think throwing paint solves their problems. Acting in manly haste with the reflexes of a lion on Adderall, Stan McMannn pulls out his ultimate weapon, THE MIGHTY SACKBUT.
13 Year Old Boy Who Is Here For Some Reason: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SACKBUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Blowing into his gigantic Sackbut, Stan McMann begins to play a tune that can only be described as being the Beethoven's 9th Symphony of today, only way better and infinitely manlier. The paint, still flying through the air in slow motion, stops dead in its tracks and avoids touching Stan McMann, Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck, and the Fortress of Manitude. As Stan McMann plays his tune, the horde of protesters drop to their knees, seeing that their vegan, non-animal-killing lives have been nothing but a waste thus far. BIRDS COME FLYING OUT OF THE SKY, PARALYZED BY THE PURE EUPHORIA THAT HEARING THE MUSIC OF STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN OF ALL MEN. CHIPMUNKS COME FALLING OUT OF THE TREES, NO LONGER HAVING THE WILL TO LIVE KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NOT BE HAPPIER THAN THEY WERE ON THE DAY THEY HEARD STAN MCMANN PLAY HIS MANLY SACKBUT. ONE WOMAN’S HEAD EXPLODES, CAUSING SEVERAL OF THE BETA BITCHES TO SCREAM IN AMAZEMENT.
BETA Bitch #34: HOLY S**T YOU KILLED KIRK’S BRIDE. KIRK’S BRIDE COULD NOT HANDLE THIS MANLINESS. OH MY GOD I’M HAVING AN ORGASM DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’M COVERED IN KIRK’S BRIDE’S BRAIN GUTS AND EYEBALL GOO. KIRK’S BRIDE IS SUCH A BITCH SINCE SHE COULDN’T HANDLE EVEN THE MANLY MUSIC OF STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN. ANYONE WITH THE WORDS KIRK OR BRIDE IN THEIR NAME MUST BE REALLY UNMANLY, STUPID, AND COMPLETELY INADEQUATE IN THE BEDROOM. AND GOD HELP THE SOUL THAT HAS BOTH KIRK AND BRIDE IN THEIR NAME. HOLY GOD I JUST HAD A SEVENTH ORGASM SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAID I WAS HAVING AN ORGASM THE FIRST TIME. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO EAT MEAT AND KILL ANIMALS.
The BETA bitch turns her attention to all of the birds and chipmunks that are currently paralyzed on the ground, likely drowning in their own drool and arousal. Turning her attention to a bird nearest to her, she closes in, fire in her eyes. Picking it up, her blood thirst gets the best of her as SHE BITES TWEETY’S HEAD RIGHT OFF. Having her first taste of meat, the woman goes insane. All around, the BETA bitches have done similar deeds as ALVIN AND TWEETY HEADS GO FLYING EVERYWHERE AS CRAZY VEGAN BITCHES SPIT THEM OUT OF THEIR NEWLY NON-VEGAN MOUTHS. LOOKING TO SATISFY THEIR NEW BLOODTHIRST, THE FLOCK OF IDIOTS BEGIN ATTACKING ONE ANOTHER, FIGHTING OVER THE FALLEN BIRDS AND CHIPMUNKS. - Stanley! - THE WOMEN ARE SERIOUSLY FIGHTING AS PIECES OF HAIR GO FLYING EVERYWHERE - Stanley! - AND STAN MCMANN TAKES A LOOSE TOOTH RIGHT TO THE FOREHEAD!
??: STANLEY!
Back to reality, the place that Stanley McMannus loathed the most. At least in his mind he was a great fighter, a true man. Here he was simply, crazy. Apparently he had a broken brain, at least according to psychiatrists. Stanley was here with Dr. Rubenstein, WFWF’s resident psychiatrist. Before signing his contract, McMannus was required to agree to meet with Dr. Rubenstein on a weekly basis and describe his grandiose delusions, the primary symptom of his bipolar disorder.
Dr. Rubenstein: Welcome back, Stanley.
Slinking in his chair, McMannus knew that this particular meeting was only about half way over. Dr. Rubenstein’s poodle, Poochy, climbed on Stanley’s lap. McMannus’ hatred towards animals required him to have an animal in the room at all times when undergoing his sessions. The room was small and restricting, choking Stanley every second he was in the room.
Dr. Rubenstein: Let’s get back to business shall we?
Stanley McMannus: I’d much rather go back to the place I just was, I was seriously about to punch a BETA bi-
Dr. Rubenstein: Now now, Stanley. What did I tell you about using such derogatory language during our sessions? I understand that you have a character to withhold but that is no reason to act the way that you do towards women.
Stanley McMannus: How about I say what I want and you sit there and listen, eh shrink?
McMannus just wanted to go back, back to the place where he was the manliest, back to the place where he could punch a hole straight through a grizzly bear and kill in on the spot. He felt powerful when he was Stan McMann, the manliest manly man. It was more than a persona to him, it was his preferred way of life. Here, he was a struggling character actor looking for a quick buck by joining the professional wrestling scene. There, he was a God among men.
He looked up into the gaze of Dr. Rubenstein. He felt the judgement in his cold gaze as he lounged in the chair that he was required to sit in. Fingering through his notes, Dr. Rubenstein’s eyes darted back and forth, most likely wondering what was wrong with McMannus. But you know what? Nothing is wrong, at least as far as he was concerned. If it weren’t for the cash that the WFWF was providing for him, he wouldn’t even be here right now. He would be in the forests of MANkato MANnesota, probably chopping down trees or maybe killing an animal.
Dr. Rubenstein: I’d like to do something a little different now. I realize that you and I don’t know each other very well. I would like to change that, tell me a little bit about yourself. It can be anything, really. Where you’re from, what you like to do, I don’t know, you could even tell me about your mother.
Mother. That’s a word Stanley wished he hadn’t of just said. Sliding back into his subconscious, McMannus returns to his childhood home of Mankato, which is actually a real city in the state of Minnesota believe it or not. However, for Stanley McMannus, memories of Mankato do not involve lush forests or rivers or living in a tree. Stanley McMannus has a bit more of a twisted history.
His father died when Stanley was at a young age, as cliché as it sounds. Being to sole provider for the McMannus family, this death sent Stanley, an only child, and his mother spiraling into poverty. Having no particular skills or abilities of her own, Stanley’s mother was forced to become a waitress just to make ends meet. The meager salary along with monthly government welfare checks allowed Stanley’s mother to keep a roof over their heads. However, Stanley’s mother was a bit, to put it lightly, disturbed. Stanley’s father’s death sent her spiraling into substance abuse problems. Often times, she would take her aggressions out on Stanley, once even slitting Stanley’s upper lip with a razor blade in a fit of drug induced rage. The ugly scar is the reason Stanley grows his mustache.
As a teenager, Stanley often locked himself into his bedroom, hiding from the wrath of his mother. Now big enough of overpower her, he did not have the heart to do so. Despite this, his disdain for her grew and she grew older. Stanley could not be intimate with any women as a result of his mother’s treatment, and rarely allowed anyone, especially women to get close to him. At the age of 16, Stanley’s mother committed suicide, putting a shotgun in her mouth, Kurt Cobain style. No note, no I love you, no goodbye, no nothing. Stanley McMannus never truly understood what love was.
After bouncing around foster homes until he was old enough to live on his own, Stanley McMannus moved to Los Angeles in hopes of becoming a character actor using his prized character, Stan McMann, the manliest manly man who could do anything imaginable. He marginally famous on the Santa Monica boardwalk, taking pictures with tourists as Stan McMann for tips that let him pay his rent and put some food on the table. Even so, he struggled to get by.
Finding no light at the end of the tunnel, McMannus turned to drugs. Levodopa was the drug of choice. Levodopa is commonly used for the treatment of Parkinson’s patients and provides patients with a level of dopamine that they normally wouldn’t have had without it. McMannus became dependent on the drug, and was unhappy unless he had it. This had its side effects however, notably the blurring of the lines of reality and fantasy for Stanley, who often times cannot tell the difference between Stanley McMannus, the man, and Stan McMann, the character.
Still reliant on the drug to feel happy, Stanley McMannus has turned to the WFWF, a last ditch effort to get himself, and Stan McMann some notoriety. He hopes that the exposure will earn him fans that will want to see McMann in feature films and television programs, finally giving him his big break. Besides, if he didn’t come up with money soon, his Levodopa addiction would no longer be able to be supplied.
Dr. Rubenstein: Uh, Stanley?
Snapping back to reality, Stanley realizes that he had been speaking out loud this entire time. Mouth agape, Dr. Rubenstein’s pen struggles to keep up with McMannus’ words.
Stanley McMannus: How long have I been talking for?
Dr. Rubenstein: Long enough.
Stanley McMannus: S**t….
Stanley’s mind raced. This guy was gonna put him in the looney bin. And with an ass like his, he wouldn’t do well in the looney bin. Oh wait, that’s prison. Never mind.
Dr. Rubenstein: Wow Stanley, this was a very productive meeting. So you’re telling me, you grew up very poor after your father died when you were young, causing your mother have a mental breakdown. Which led her to drugs and abusing you until she committed suicide. This treatment from your mother caused you to become incredibly misogynistic, causing you to create the Stan McMann character, which you sometimes believe is the real you because of your own drug abuse?
Stanley McMannus: Wow, I really was speaking out loud that entire time, wasn’t I?
Dr. Rubenstein: Is this all true, Stanley?
Stanley looks Dr. Rubenstein straight in the face. Having just poured his heart out to the psychiatrist, he believes that there may now be an end in sight. Letting go of all inhibitions, Stanley answers Dr. Rubenstein’s question.
Stan McMann: NO!
The room begins to shake and through one of the walls BURSTS HUCK THE BEARDED FOURTEEN POINT BUCK. He didn't grow another point yet, Jesus you guys have such high expectations. Giant hole in the wall, Huck peers towards his comrade, Stan McMann the manliest manly man of all men!
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: STAN, WHAT THE ART THOU DOING IN THIS ING STUPID OFFICE.
Stan McMann: I’m here for some stupid s**t the WFWF made me do.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: SHALL I SLAYETH THIS DOCTOR?
Stan McMann: That won’t be necessary Huck.
Stan McMann, the manliest manly man FLEXES HIS MANLY MUSCLES AS HIS SHIRT RIPS OFF AND FLIES INTO THE FACE of the unmanly Dr. Rubenstein. The doctor looks on, in shock of the manliness that he is witnessing. An erection is clearly poking through his tan business pants, a miracle considering the man hadn’t been able to get or keep an erection in nearly 25 years.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: ART WE DONE HITHER, MOTHER ER? OR SHOULDST I SOME MORE S**T UP!?! WE HATH THINGS TO DOETH.
Stan McMann: I believe we’re done here, unless the good doctor has an objection.
Simply shaking his head, Dr. Rubenstein watches as Stan McMann, the manliest manly man of all men, a man so manly that he makes the second manliest manly man of all men look like Lance Bass from N*SYNC, and we all know how manly he is, climbs aboard the rugged hide of Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck, ready to leave on another journey that is sure to be even more manly than the last.
Dr. Rubenstein: Wh-who are you?
Stan McMann: Who am I!?! WHO AM I!? I AM STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN OF ALL MEN. WOMEN AND HOMOSEXUAL MEN WANT TO ME. LESS MANLY MEN WISH TO BE LIKE ME. I WAS CONCEIVED WHEN A TYRANASAURUS REX ED A COMET MADE OF PURE TESTOSTERONE AND WAS BORN WHEN I THAWED FROM THE POLAR ICE CAPS AS A RESULT OF GLOBAL WARM. I BREW MY OWN BEER AND KILL ALL OF THE MEAT THAT ENTERS MY STOMACH. I ENJOY CHOPPING DOWN TREES AND MAKING ENTIRE SPECIES OF ANIMALS GO EXTINCT. MY DICK IS LONGER THAN YOUR ENTIRE LEG. MY BRAIN IS NOT BROKEN, IT IS SIMPLY SUPERIOR AND MORE MASCULINE THAN ANY OTHER BEING’S ON THIS PLANET. I DO NOT DO DRUGS, AS THEY ARE FOR WOMEN AND UNMANLY MEN. 62 YEARS AGO, I ED YOUR MOTHER AND BECAME YOUR DAD. NO WRESTLER IN THE WFWF COMPARES TO ME, FOR I AM THE KING OF TESTOSTERONE. THE EARL OF MACHISMO. THE WHO AM I?! WHO THE ARE YOU!? YOU THINK YOU CAN EXAMINE ME AND DIAGNOSE ME WITH SOME BULL S**T DISEASE OR A DRUG PROBLEM? YOU, I’M STAN MCMANN.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck ignites his anus rockets, as fire shoots out of his butthole and Stan McMann, the manliest manly man blast off, surely looking for more adventure than some idiot shrink can provide.
The room begins to shake and through one of the walls BURSTS HUCK THE BEARDED FOURTEEN POINT BUCK. He didn't grow another point yet, Jesus you guys have such high expectations. Giant hole in the wall, Huck peers towards his comrade, Stan McMann the manliest manly man of all men!
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: STAN, WHAT THE ART THOU DOING IN THIS ING STUPID OFFICE.
Stan McMann: I’m here for some stupid s**t the WFWF made me do.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: SHALL I SLAYETH THIS DOCTOR?
Stan McMann: That won’t be necessary Huck.
Stan McMann, the manliest manly man FLEXES HIS MANLY MUSCLES AS HIS SHIRT RIPS OFF AND FLIES INTO THE FACE of the unmanly Dr. Rubenstein. The doctor looks on, in shock of the manliness that he is witnessing. An erection is clearly poking through his tan business pants, a miracle considering the man hadn’t been able to get or keep an erection in nearly 25 years.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck: ART WE DONE HITHER, MOTHER ER? OR SHOULDST I SOME MORE S**T UP!?! WE HATH THINGS TO DOETH.
Stan McMann: I believe we’re done here, unless the good doctor has an objection.
Simply shaking his head, Dr. Rubenstein watches as Stan McMann, the manliest manly man of all men, a man so manly that he makes the second manliest manly man of all men look like Lance Bass from N*SYNC, and we all know how manly he is, climbs aboard the rugged hide of Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck, ready to leave on another journey that is sure to be even more manly than the last.
Dr. Rubenstein: Wh-who are you?
Stan McMann: Who am I!?! WHO AM I!? I AM STAN MCMANN, THE MANLIEST MANLY MAN OF ALL MEN. WOMEN AND HOMOSEXUAL MEN WANT TO ME. LESS MANLY MEN WISH TO BE LIKE ME. I WAS CONCEIVED WHEN A TYRANASAURUS REX ED A COMET MADE OF PURE TESTOSTERONE AND WAS BORN WHEN I THAWED FROM THE POLAR ICE CAPS AS A RESULT OF GLOBAL WARM. I BREW MY OWN BEER AND KILL ALL OF THE MEAT THAT ENTERS MY STOMACH. I ENJOY CHOPPING DOWN TREES AND MAKING ENTIRE SPECIES OF ANIMALS GO EXTINCT. MY DICK IS LONGER THAN YOUR ENTIRE LEG. MY BRAIN IS NOT BROKEN, IT IS SIMPLY SUPERIOR AND MORE MASCULINE THAN ANY OTHER BEING’S ON THIS PLANET. I DO NOT DO DRUGS, AS THEY ARE FOR WOMEN AND UNMANLY MEN. 62 YEARS AGO, I ED YOUR MOTHER AND BECAME YOUR DAD. NO WRESTLER IN THE WFWF COMPARES TO ME, FOR I AM THE KING OF TESTOSTERONE. THE EARL OF MACHISMO. THE WHO AM I?! WHO THE ARE YOU!? YOU THINK YOU CAN EXAMINE ME AND DIAGNOSE ME WITH SOME BULL S**T DISEASE OR A DRUG PROBLEM? YOU, I’M STAN MCMANN.
Huck the Bearded Fourteen Point Buck ignites his anus rockets, as fire shoots out of his butthole and Stan McMann, the manliest manly man blast off, surely looking for more adventure than some idiot shrink can provide.