Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644 
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Post by Johnny Mason on Feb 9, 2017 0:54:21 GMT -5
Tyson Watts walks into a dive bar called scooters in Miami Florida. He sits down at the bar and a familiar face pops up
ELVIN- What are we having tonight Tyson?
TYSON- I'll have a water, thanks.
Sitting beside Tyson is a man who has had a little bit to much to drink. He asks Elvin for more to drink.
ELVIN- Don't you think you've had enough Ricky?
RICKY- I've had enough to drink when I f*cking say I've had enough to drink!
TYSON- Why don't you calm down and relax?
RICKY- Says the p*ssy that ordered the water!
Ricky stands up and gets In Tyson's face.
RICKY- Boy I'll knock your...
As Ricky is in the middle of his sentence, Tyson gets him in a guillotine choke and chokes him out. After he is unconscious Tyson stomps his head as hard as he can.
ELVIN- Oh my god Tyson you killed him!
TYSON- Nah. He's still breathing.
ELVIN- I don't see how! Now dammit Tyson that stomp wasn't needed he was already out cold!
TYSON- Well this way at least he will remember not to mess with me.
Tyson drags Ricky over to the door and throws him out.
The Next Week
Tyson walks into scooters and sees Ricky sitting in the back of the bar. When Ricky sees Tyson he quickly looks away. Tyson takes a seat at the bar and orders another water.
ELVIN- So why do you not drink, Tyson?
TYSON- My dad drank and I seen how it affected him and to this day I haven't even touched the stuff.
ELVIN- Well I guess that's probably a good thing being you're a big time wrestler.
TYSON- Well I'm not yet but once I conquer the entire wfwf I will be.
ELVIN- Who do they got you going up against in your debut there Tyson?
TYSON- Eh some loser. I don't even remember his name, I got my eyes on the bigger picture and that's the world title.
Deep down though, Tyson knew he had a challenge ahead of him. Tyson is going up against Brandon Bison, one of the best prospects in Wfwf. He has been on a roll lately picking up a lot of momentum.
TYSON- Talk to you later Elvin i gotta go do something.
ELVIN- Ok Tyson. Be safe out there.
TYSON- Will do Elvin, will do.
Tyson walks out of scooters and gets into his car. A 1992 black camaro. He goes to the gym and works out as hard as he possibly can.
After his workout, Tyson heads to his apartment. He grabs something to eat and heads straight to bed. He is unable to go to sleep though, thinking of his match.
Tyson thinks of the other wrestlers. He knows not one person will like him, and he won't like one person. Just the way he likes it.
Tyson thinks about how he is going to out work everyone else to get to the top of the wfwf. That on top of his pure skill he will for sure be to much to handle for the other wrestlers.
Tyson then thinks about his opponent, Brandon Bison. He is tough, and strong, and has already proven he is one of the best wrestlers in the wfwf.
Tyson's narcissism then comes into effect and he brushes him off thinking that this is just the first step in his journey to conquer the entire wfwf and win the world title.
Last Tyson thinks about his father. He thinks about the way he used to abuse him when he was young.
Tyson then smiles a sick grin thinking about what he's going to do to Brandon Bison.
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Feb 9, 2017 0:59:49 GMT -5
This is my first ever rp in a e-fed before. I've been excited to have my debut and it's finally here. (You can probably tell on how fast I got this up) If you have the time please review or help me out with what I need to improve on. Any criticism is wanted. I want to thank bad guy™ for helping me out so much and getting me into the Wfwf! |
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Post by King Richius on Feb 9, 2017 12:33:54 GMT -5
A+ for enthusiasm but don't feel obligated to post the same day the card is announced. Use the full writing period to go over your writing, fine tune it, proofread it, and add some formatting (font colors, bold, italic, whatever little aesthetic touches that make it easier to read). Honestly, most people aren't going to comment on it until the deadline has passed anyway because people tend to wait until they can read all the RPs for a show in one or two sittings. I'll throw you a bone until the veteran experts chime in.
I thought it was a good intro but there is definite room for growth. You've clearly established a base line for Tyson that you can expand on in future RPs.
My biggest peeve would be the ending with the use and reuse of "Tyson thinks about..." It didn't feel natural to keep saying he is thinking about something, then say what he is thinking about, and repeat until you hit all your points. Check out how others write their monologues to see how to get all your ideas out there in a way that flows from idea to idea and ends with a closing thought that wraps it all together.
If it helps, always keep in mind that you are telling a story. In a story A leads to B leads to C; not here is A and oh yeah here is B and can't forget here is C too.
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Feb 9, 2017 13:15:26 GMT -5
A+ for enthusiasm but don't feel obligated to post the same day the card is announced. Use the full writing period to go over your writing, fine tune it, proofread it, and add some formatting (font colors, bold, italic, whatever little aesthetic touches that make it easier to read). Honestly, most people aren't going to comment on it until the deadline has passed anyway because people tend to wait until they can read all the RPs for a show in one or two sittings. I'll throw you a bone until the veteran experts chime in. I thought it was a good intro but there is definite room for growth. You've clearly established a base line for Tyson that you can expand on in future RPs. My biggest peeve would be the ending with the use and reuse of "Tyson thinks about..." It didn't feel natural to keep saying he is thinking about something, then say what he is thinking about, and repeat until you hit all your points. Check out how others write their monologues to see how to get all your ideas out there in a way that flows from idea to idea and ends with a closing thought that wraps it all together. If it helps, always keep in mind that you are telling a story. In a story A leads to B leads to C; not here is A and oh yeah here is B and can't forget here is C too. Thanks for commenting! I appreciate you trying to help me out and I'll put that towards the next one. |
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Post by CM Poor on Feb 11, 2017 19:12:42 GMT -5
King Richius already covered a lot of the structural stuff here, so I'll veer off and address a trope you fell into that I'd advise you to avoid at all costs going forward. Don't assault random strangers. A lot of us here at one point or another have delved into a bit of internal violence, where our characters come to blows with supporting characters in their own circle, but when it's random guy #4 at the bar, it's hard to see it do anything for your character aside from leave him with an assault charge pending. It's a tired thing that a lot of us have tried at one point or another to get our characters over as tough as nails or hard, and I can tell you from both personal experience and observation that unless it becomes a central point of the overall story, it almost never works. It's best to just nip it in the bud now, lest you dive so far off the rails that you become the second incarnation of Hollywood Honor.
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Post by bad guy™ on Feb 11, 2017 21:02:21 GMT -5
King Richius already covered a lot of the structural stuff here, so I'll veer off and address a trope you fell into that I'd advise you to avoid at all costs going forward. Don't assault random strangers. A lot of us here at one point or another have delved into a bit of internal violence, where our characters come to blows with supporting characters in their own circle, but when it's random guy #4 at the bar, it's hard to see it do anything for your character aside from leave him with an assault charge pending. It's a tired thing that a lot of us have tried at one point or another to get our characters over as tough as nails or hard, and I can tell you from both personal experience and observation that unless it becomes a central point of the overall story, it almost never works. It's best to just nip it in the bud now, lest you dive so far off the rails that you become the second incarnation of Hollywood Honor. I'll give a real reply later but your Hollywood Honor reference reminded me that I just had to ban him and Gladiator earlier this week. I'm sure Prophet of Ash remembers the latter. |
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Feb 12, 2017 3:51:31 GMT -5
King Richius already covered a lot of the structural stuff here, so I'll veer off and address a trope you fell into that I'd advise you to avoid at all costs going forward. Don't assault random strangers. A lot of us here at one point or another have delved into a bit of internal violence, where our characters come to blows with supporting characters in their own circle, but when it's random guy #4 at the bar, it's hard to see it do anything for your character aside from leave him with an assault charge pending. It's a tired thing that a lot of us have tried at one point or another to get our characters over as tough as nails or hard, and I can tell you from both personal experience and observation that unless it becomes a central point of the overall story, it almost never works. It's best to just nip it in the bud now, lest you dive so far off the rails that you become the second incarnation of Hollywood Honor. I understand what you're saying but he is one of my supporting characters and I have plans for him moving forward. With that said, thanks for the reply and I'll take what you said and use it towards my future writings. |
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Post by Rated R on Feb 20, 2017 7:06:18 GMT -5
I think Lynn nailed the biggest problem when he said don't feel obligated to post on the first day. This read more like an outline for a RP than a full piece in itself and since you posted this so early you could have had time to develop it and turn it into a really good debut piece. That's what I'd focus on for your next piece, developing what you've got into something a little bit meatier and with a bit more style to go with the substance. If you go read some of the top guys work you'll see that what often differentiates them from everyone else is that there's a real personality to their writing and not just in their dialogue. You want you narrative and your descriptions to really hook the reader and entertain and flow properly with the story your telling.
I do feel like you've got a bit of a handle on the character, you played with the self-confidence thing and how it contrasts with what he shows the world, that could be a really fun hook to play with moving forwards, just work on the structural bits and figure out your personal writing style as you do so.
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Feb 20, 2017 10:55:44 GMT -5
I think Lynn nailed the biggest problem when he said don't feel obligated to post on the first day. This read more like an outline for a RP than a full piece in itself and since you posted this so early you could have had time to develop it and turn it into a really good debut piece. That's what I'd focus on for your next piece, developing what you've got into something a little bit meatier and with a bit more style to go with the substance. If you go read some of the top guys work you'll see that what often differentiates them from everyone else is that there's a real personality to their writing and not just in their dialogue. You want you narrative and your descriptions to really hook the reader and entertain and flow properly with the story your telling. I do feel like you've got a bit of a handle on the character, you played with the self-confidence thing and how it contrasts with what he shows the world, that could be a really fun hook to play with moving forwards, just work on the structural bits and figure out your personal writing style as you do so. Thanks for replying. I'll work on it. |
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Post by Drakz on Feb 20, 2017 15:43:42 GMT -5
A lot has been covered already by everyone's replies however one thing I will say is take the time to flesh out the actions in your work. Right now a lot of this RP read like a list of actions instead of a flowing story. Paint the picture you want to convey instead of just rushing to tell us what is happening.
I don't wanna go too much off the deep end because you've already got a lot of food for thought here from the other guys. Looking forward to seeing what you put together on the next few shows man.
Welcome.
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Johnny Mason
Superstar
The Vanguard Champion
Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644
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Post by Johnny Mason on Feb 20, 2017 15:57:45 GMT -5
A lot has been covered already by everyone's replies however one thing I will say is take the time to flesh out the actions in your work. Right now a lot of this RP read like a list of actions instead of a flowing story. Paint the picture you want to convey instead of just rushing to tell us what is happening. I don't wanna go too much off the deep end because you've already got a lot of food for thought here from the other guys. Looking forward to seeing what you put together on the next few shows man. Welcome. Thanks for replying! |
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I dont know good luck 
