Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning

Johnny Mason
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Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 6, 2017 1:22:19 GMT -5

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 6, 2017 1:22:19 GMT -5

It was a quiet day at Scooters bar. Elvin the bartender was serving drinks to a few customers. One of the customers was Ricky, a known alcoholic. Today though, he wasnt hammered.
All of a sudden someone kicks the door open and sits down at the bar. This man was Tyson Watts. Watts had just lost his debut match against Brandon Bison.

TYSON- Give me a damn water!

ELVIN- Ok Tyson. Just calm down. You gave that Bison fella all you go....

TYSON- If you thought that was all I got, you are a damn fool!

ELVIN- o-ok Tyson. I'm sorry.

Elvin hands Tyson a water.
In Tyson's head though, he knew that he gave Brandon Bison all he had in him.
It was not enough though.
Tyson finishes his water and gets up to leave.

RICKY- You're not going anywhere with that attitude Tyson.

TYSON- Don't f*cking mess with me today old man!

Ricky waves off Tyson as he walks out the door.

Later that night

Tyson lays in bed staring at the ceiling fan.
I've waited my whole life for this oppurtunity and I blew it.
I f*cking blew It!
He even beat me with my damn move!

While he lays in bed thinking about what a failure he is someone slides something under his front door.

The next morning

Tyson gets out of bed and goes to his kitchen for breakfast.
On his way to the kitchen he sees a peice of paper on the floor. He picks it up and reads it.

On the paper there is a quote from George Carlin...
"Electricity is just organized lightning"

Tyson opens the door and no one is to be found.
He slams it shut and throws the paper in the trash.

What did I do wrong?
Maybe I'm not as good as I think i am.
Or maybe I just need to get meaner, more aggressive and make my opponents cry for help.
Help they will not get until they tap out and I'm the winner.

I remember when my father used to hurt me.
In a way I'm kinda glad he did.
He made me into the man I am today.
So what I lost my first match!
He just got lucky.
Next time I won't let that happen.
I am the best in all of WFWF!

My next opponent?
Reverend shadow.
He is a hall of famer.
He is making his return against me.
Who does he think he is?
As far as I'm concerned he is a washed up nobody.
I'm going to show him what the future of the wfwf can do.
He says everyone is going to bow down before him.
Well hes got a rude awakening coming.
He's going to wither in pain in the hands of a future hall of famer.

Tyson finishes his breakfast and gets In his car.
He drives down to his gym to get a workout in.
As he is driving, he notices someone following him.
He pulls over to the side of the road and so does the car behind him.
Tyson gets out and sees who is driving the car.

It's Ricky.

Tyson- what the f*ck do you think youre doing following me?

Ricky mumbles something and gets out of his car.

Tyson- You better get back in your car before you get hurt old man!

Ricky- Ahh shut your damn mouth.

Tyson- What did you just say to me?

Tyson walks up to Ricky and gets In his face.

Tyson- Did you forget what I did to you last time?

Tyson draws back ready to punch him again

Ricky- You wouldn't hit your father would you Tyson?

Tyson processes what he just said and stands there stunned.

Ricky- To be completely honest Tyson, I can't believe you didn't recognize me before.
I seen that you lost your first match in the wfwf. It's because of your temper. Did you get my note I sent you son?

Tyson who is still stunned, says nothing.
All of a sudden, Ricky grabs Tyson by his shirt!

Ricky- I asked you a question boy! I expect a answer!

Tyson- uhh, Yes sir I got the note.

Ricky- Good. You need to bear in mind what it means. Process it. Are you listening son?

Tyson- y-yes sir. I'll keep it in mind.

Ricky- You better Tyson. You need to keep a cool head. Breath while youre in there.

Tyson- I will sir.

Ricky- You'll probably just f*ck up. As you usually do.
Well this time I'll be backstage watching your match. Who are you going to lose to this time?

Tyson- Thank you sir. I- I'm going against reverend shadow sir.

Ricky- well you got your hands full again don't you son?

Ricky starts laughing as Tyson is trying to understand what just happened.

Johnny Mason Superstar The Vanguard Champion Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5 Posts: 644	Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 6, 2017 1:26:32 GMT -5 via mobile Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 6, 2017 1:26:32 GMT -5 Once again All criticism, good or bad is welcome!

King Richius
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Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 7, 2017 19:55:16 GMT -5 Johnny Mason likes this

Post by King Richius on Mar 7, 2017 19:55:16 GMT -5

Personally, I think this is a huge jump from your first RP. The way Tyson's personality changed when he realized Ricky was his father was interesting and I want to read more of this relationship. I found some of the lines in this piece almost poetic that I liked, which is a huge compliment from me because I hate most poetry. In particular, I really liked the line:

"He's going to wither in pain in the hands of a future hall of famer."

On the other hand, I'm not quite sure I bought Tyson not recognizing his own father. He obviously knew his father earlier in his life and would have a lasting impression because of the abuse so to make that angle work, I would want some kind of event that changed his father's physical appearance so that Tyson wouldn't recognize him.

A very minor and not really important point: keep working on the formatting with font style, color, and size to make it even easier to read. There's nothing wrong with this but bolding or using a different color for a few things like the names of who is speaking makes it look less like a wall of text.

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Johnny Mason
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Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 7, 2017 21:17:54 GMT -5 via mobile

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 7, 2017 21:17:54 GMT -5

Mar 7, 2017 19:55:16 GMT -5 King Richius said:

Personally, I think this is a huge jump from your first RP. The way Tyson's personality changed when he realized Ricky was his father was interesting and I want to read more of this relationship. I found some of the lines in this piece almost poetic that I liked, which is a huge compliment from me because I hate most poetry. In particular, I really liked the line:

"He's going to wither in pain in the hands of a future hall of famer."

On the other hand, I'm not quite sure I bought Tyson not recognizing his own father. He obviously knew his father earlier in his life and would have a lasting impression because of the abuse so to make that angle work, I would want some kind of event that changed his father's physical appearance so that Tyson wouldn't recognize him.

A very minor and not really important point: keep working on the formatting with font style, color, and size to make it even easier to read. There's nothing wrong with this but bolding or using a different color for a few things like the names of who is speaking makes it look less like a wall of text.

Thanks for replying

While I still need to improve,
I thought this was an improvement over my first one.

Next time I'll bold stuff and use some more colors.

Thanks again!

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Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 8, 2017 8:27:08 GMT -5 via mobile Johnny Mason likes this

Post by CM Poor on Mar 8, 2017 8:27:08 GMT -5

This was definitely a step in the right direction in trying to establish a backstory and a motivation for Tyson. These sort of things are what will ultimately drive people to want to read your stuff as you evolve and improve.

As King Richius touched upon, you'll want to make sure as you go forward that you try to establish a sort of outline for the bigger picture of the story you want to tell. Here, we got some introspection in Tyson's past and the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, only for him to encounter the man on several occasions without a hint of recognition. Outlining what it is you want to do and where you want to go with a story will help you avoid continuity pitfalls like this.

That said, definitely a step up from your last entry. Definitely look into some formatting to make it more pleasant to look at, and you'll be well on your way here.

The Final Boss

I dont know good luck

Johnny Mason
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Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
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Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 8, 2017 15:00:00 GMT -5 via mobile

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 8, 2017 15:00:00 GMT -5

Mar 8, 2017 8:27:08 GMT -5 CM Poor said:

This was definitely a step in the right direction in trying to establish a backstory and a motivation for Tyson. These sort of things are what will ultimately drive people to want to read your stuff as you evolve and improve.

As King Richius touched upon, you'll want to make sure as you go forward that you try to establish a sort of outline for the bigger picture of the story you want to tell. Here, we got some introspection in Tyson's past and the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, only for him to encounter the man on several occasions without a hint of recognition. Outlining what it is you want to do and where you want to go with a story will help you avoid continuity pitfalls like this.

That said, definitely a step up from your last entry. Definitely look into some formatting to make it more pleasant to look at, and you'll be well on your way here.

Thanks for replying!

Rated R
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Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 11, 2017 8:14:59 GMT -5 Johnny Mason likes this

Post by Rated R on Mar 11, 2017 8:14:59 GMT -5

The main talking points have been covered already, but I do want to echo that this was definitely a step in the right direction, it's always great to see someone taking criticism and actually going away and using it. I'll echo what Brennan said about establishing an outline, it's never a bad idea to know exactly where you're taking any given story, and definitely work on the layout, it adds a lot to a RP when there's a bit of colour to it.

Johnny Mason
Superstar

The Vanguard Champion

Joined on: Jan 11, 2016 14:36:45 GMT -5
Posts: 644

Sg17 night 4 rp: Organized Lightning Mar 11, 2017 14:39:12 GMT -5 via mobile

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 11, 2017 14:39:12 GMT -5

Mar 11, 2017 8:14:59 GMT -5 Rated R said:

The main talking points have been covered already, but I do want to echo that this was definitely a step in the right direction, it's always great to see someone taking criticism and actually going away and using it. I'll echo what Brennan said about establishing an outline, it's never a bad idea to know exactly where you're taking any given story, and definitely work on the layout, it adds a lot to a RP when there's a bit of colour to it.

Thanks for replying

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 6, 2017 1:22:19 GMT -5

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 6, 2017 1:26:32 GMT -5

Post by King Richius on Mar 7, 2017 19:55:16 GMT -5

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 7, 2017 21:17:54 GMT -5

Post by CM Poor on Mar 8, 2017 8:27:08 GMT -5

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 8, 2017 15:00:00 GMT -5

Post by Rated R on Mar 11, 2017 8:14:59 GMT -5

Post by Johnny Mason on Mar 11, 2017 14:39:12 GMT -5