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Post by Midnight-Metal-Master on Mar 15, 2019 20:40:09 GMT -5
This is might be kind’ve long.
So the girl and I been together off and on for about 10yrs now. We have a 9yr old and a 1 year old. Long story short we broke up twice for about a year each time once when my son was about 3 and once when he was 6. Each time I moved back in with my parents 600+ miles away. There’s been ALOT of bs in the relationship over the years but the last time we got back together things were working out ALOT better for us financially, emotionally and just all around better for the last few years. We had another baby and everything’s been good but latley I feel like I really just don’t like the woman she has become. When we met I was 21 she was 18, now that I’m almost 31 I’ve realized that I really just don’t want to be with this person anymore. I love my kids I like the life style we have, our home ect. I just do not like her.
All I’ve wanted to be since I had my first son was a strong independent father/family oriented man but each time we broke up That left me without a home, I slept in my car for two weeks because I had no family around to stay with, limited money and devoted all my time to our family so I did not have the friends or social life I had years earlier. Which in the end caused me to move that 600 miles away...each time she ended up with someone else. Two different guys the second time. Yes I seen and dated other girls also but months after the fact. Second time we broke up she left me for another guy.
Anyway when we got back together I knew what the history was but I wanted to leave that in the past and I have but over the last year I’ve noticed there’s a lot of crap about this person I just do not like her eating habits, her family, her friends, her attitude, her just down right laziness the list goes on and on. It’s really hard for one person to “make a living” I could not afford a home or apartment on my income of 2,300 a month by myself. I have a good job I’ve had since I moved back and it’s not an opportunity I want to give up so It makes me constantly wonder what could I possibly do differently this time to avoid what happened the last two times where I can still see my kids, keep my job and have a stable environment for myself and them but away from her. I just don’t really want to be in this relationship anymore.
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Post by Mox on Mar 15, 2019 21:53:30 GMT -5
You gotta do what you gotta do, but marriage is hard. You made your choice. You picked her. For life. There's a get out of jail free card if you want it, but then you gotta admit you quit. No 50th anniversary. No growing old together. End it if you have to, but maybe try marriage counseling first.
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Henchmen4Hire
Main Eventer
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Post by Henchmen4Hire on Mar 15, 2019 22:07:39 GMT -5
You can both be miserable for another 60 years, making everyone around you miserable too, or you can end it right now and have 60 years of you both doing what you want to do.
Just don't be dicks with the kids and they'll be fine. Don't use them as weapons.
(Also, probably don't lead with "I don't like your eating habits" lmao)
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marklud
Main Eventer
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Posts: 1,739
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Post by marklud on Mar 15, 2019 22:22:18 GMT -5
I just don’t really want to be in this relationship anymore. Sounds like your mind is made up, my friend. No matter the circumstances -- job, location, etc., etc., etc. -- if this is the case then you know what you need to do. Not saying any of the other stuff will come any easier than the other times but there's no point in being miserable with someone you don't want to be with. Maybe don't rush it if you're worried about circumstances but I would be checking other living options/etc./etc. like crazy right now if I were you and thinking about ways you could still be close with your children. Life's too short. Don't stay with someone you don't even like being around anymore. |
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Post by kennyw86v2 on Mar 16, 2019 6:51:38 GMT -5
She left you for another guy once, she'll do it again. Hardest thing I ever did was leave my son's mother that I was with for 6 years.
Now I'm married and as of Friday my wife and I will have 2 little girls.
I dont see my son as much as I'd like, and it tears me up inside way more than i let on, but i know it's a small price to pay for everyone's happiness, even his. No kid needs to grow up in a house full of tension and arguing.
Probably harder for you since we never got married, but you need to be the proactive one here and not be left broke and without a home again. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck man.
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Gargano
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Feb 1, 2019 14:49:55 GMT -5
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Post by Gargano on Mar 16, 2019 7:25:11 GMT -5
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Just don't make it ugly for the kids.
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Post by ~*Young $ Money*~ on Mar 16, 2019 7:29:41 GMT -5
If you’re that miserable it may be time to sit down and talk. Life is short. You don’t want to wait and wait and one day said I should have I should have.
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Post by IRS on Mar 16, 2019 9:27:03 GMT -5
When you take time to think and reflect on the situation, the answer will become obvious.
... RKO her.
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Post by hbkbigdaddycool on Mar 16, 2019 9:41:43 GMT -5
Sounds like you would be a lot happier if you were dating an 18 year old again! I suggest finding a hot 18 year old girl, and get with her.
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Post by PJ on Mar 16, 2019 11:21:53 GMT -5
She left you for another guy once, she'll do it again. Hardest thing I ever did was leave my son's mother that I was with for 6 years. Now I'm married and as of Friday my wife and I will have 2 little girls. I dont see my son as much as I'd like, and it tears me up inside way more than i let on, but i know it's a small price to pay for everyone's happiness, even his. No kid needs to grow up in a house full of tension and arguing. Probably harder for you since we never got married, but you need to be the proactive one here and not be left broke and without a home again. Just my 2 cents. Good luck man. Yesterday or this coming Friday? If I am reading that right Congratulations on the second child (well 3rd, but second with your wife.  ) |
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Post by Valbroski on Mar 16, 2019 11:32:29 GMT -5
That's a rough situation to be in man. It sounds like you already know what to do but I can understand it being difficult to pull the trigger. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years and while I do not have any kids with her, I've been questioning the relationship for a long time. Being in a relationship that you're not 100% happy and confident in is a crapty situation to be in. My advice would be just to stay committed to whatever decision you make. Don't approach ending it unless you're genuinely prepared to walk away from it.
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Post by snatch on Mar 16, 2019 11:51:55 GMT -5
You said it your self that your not happy. Why continue to live life like that. Time to move on.
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Post by kennyw86v2 on Mar 16, 2019 11:59:51 GMT -5
She left you for another guy once, she'll do it again. Hardest thing I ever did was leave my son's mother that I was with for 6 years. Now I'm married and as of Friday my wife and I will have 2 little girls. I dont see my son as much as I'd like, and it tears me up inside way more than i let on, but i know it's a small price to pay for everyone's happiness, even his. No kid needs to grow up in a house full of tension and arguing. Probably harder for you since we never got married, but you need to be the proactive one here and not be left broke and without a home again. Just my 2 cents. Good luck man. Yesterday or this coming Friday? If I am reading that right Congratulations on the second child (well 3rd, but second with your wife. ) Next Friday. Thanks man. I'm excited, but man, overwhelmed by all these women. |
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Kyle
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Post by Kyle on Mar 16, 2019 12:25:36 GMT -5
Are you under a lot of stress with your job? Financially? Your kids? Sometimes an outside stressor will make you resent things that you wouldn't normally.
Another question. The times you split and got back together- was it because you both realized you love each other and want to be together, or was it out of convenience, neediness, or because you were just comfortable together?
Not trying to sound like a D, just trying to get an idea of your situation. I was with a girl for 5 years when I was fresh out of high school. We had a break towards the end and got back together. I thought we honestly loved each other. We didn't. We were just comfortable together. It was convenient. Definitely not love. Didn't realize it until the relationship was over for good.
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Post by theMOESIAH on Mar 17, 2019 2:05:26 GMT -5
You gotta do what you gotta do, but marriage is hard. You made your choice. You picked her. For life. There's a get out of jail free card if you want it, but then you gotta admit you quit. No 50th anniversary. No growing old together. End it if you have to, but maybe try marriage counseling first. This. Right here. Completely ignore all of this. Your kids are watching every single thing you and your wife do and they understand far not than you probably give them credit for. Not only does this seem like it probably isn't the best environment for them to be in, you're also setting an example for their future relationships. Just ask yourself one question: "What would I say to my kids if they were in this situation?" Whatever you would tell them to do, that's your answer. It probably isn't going to be easy but it is doable. It's going to take hard work and sacrifice. You're guaranteed to have more than a few bad days but you will get through it, whatever you decide "it" is. And for what it's worth you've got your WF nerd crew for support when things get too be too much for you. Keep us updated and we'll keep reminding you that you deserve nothing less than all the happiness in the world. |
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Captain McKay
Main Eventer
WF 15+ Year Member But all out of badges so this is not one
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Post by Captain McKay on Mar 17, 2019 9:45:00 GMT -5
There's a lot of stuff to consider, and plenty of points that others have already made. But here's the thing. Right now, when you strip it down to the core, you're being unfair to two people.
1.) Obviously, you're being unfair to her by continuing to be involved in a relationship you don't like and aren't invested in, giving her the sense that everything is fine. And
2.) you're being unfair to yourself for forcing yourself to be part of something you don't want, knowing full well it's making you unhappy.
Breakups are hard. I don't need to tell you that because you've broken up a few times. Whatever it was that brought you back together, seems like it isn't enough to make you want to last.
I get what the first guy meant when he said "you made a choice for life." But consider personal growth. I'm within a few years of you, age-wise. So, as a 34 year-old guy, talking to a 31-year old guy, can you honestly tell me that choices you made at age 21 were well-informed and thought-out enough to last forever? Because at 21, I thought I knew everything too. Turns out, I didn't. I think the same could be said for all of us. That's just part of the journey, going from being a young adult to a fully-grown man.
As a result, why allow misinformed decisions made as a young man to play out the entire rest of your life? This isn't a prison sentence - you didn't commit a crime and aren't responsible for serving time. This is the kind of thing that YOU DO have the power to change, if you want to. The desire just has to outweigh the current complacency/comfort level you have with your current situation.
Either way, you definitely need to talk this through with her. Odds are, she may actually feel the same way. Things might get messy for the short-term, but long term, you'll be WAY better off.
But I think you knew all this already, and maybe just needed to see people say it to you. If it helps justify the way you have already been feeling, then take it for what it's worth and go forward the best way you think you can. Just don't beat yourself up by staying unhappy forever. It's not worth it.
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Post by PJ on Mar 17, 2019 11:40:14 GMT -5
/\
As far as marriage goes. Yes, at 52 I can say the choice I made at 21 hasn’t changed. Sure there are things we both do that probably get under each other’s skin, but that will be the same with any relationship over time. But in the OP’s case she’s already cheated on him so that makes everything else null and void. And he should do what’s best for him and his children.
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Captain McKay
Main Eventer
WF 15+ Year Member But all out of badges so this is not one
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Post by Captain McKay on Mar 17, 2019 12:10:11 GMT -5
/\ As far as marriage goes. Yes, at 52 I can say the choice I made at 21 hasn’t changed. Sure there are things we both do that probably get under each other’s skin, but that will be the same with any relationship over time. But in the OP’s case she’s already cheated on him so that makes everything else null and void. And he should do what’s best for him and his children. There are always gonna be exceptions, and it's awesome that you've made things work for so long and everything is going great for you. Either way, I'm sure there are other, probably less impactful decisions you made earlier in life that make you shake your head nowadays. My point basically was, on average, people aren't well enough informed at that early an age to make life-altering decisions. It's just rare to be that well-rounded without life experience, I would guess. But to the OP's point, ten years of living through your 20s (both you AND your girl), it's easy to see how people at 30 are way different than they were at 20. A lot of growth happens during those years. You're already expressing a lot of questioning. Left unchecked, that will eventually turn into resentment over time. Someone like PJ remained happy with the choice he made at 21, which is great. But you aren't really in the same boat, IMO you definitely have to do what will be best for yourself and your kids, as PJ mentioned. That means having the uncomfortable talk, and figuring out where everyone stands. Also - aside from the word "spouse," is there mention of actually being married? I didn't see "wife" or "marriage" mentioned at all in the original post. The word "spouse" obviously makes me think you're married, but I'm not sure since you call her "the girl" in the post and not "the wife" or something like that. |
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Post by bababooey on Mar 18, 2019 22:09:07 GMT -5
Reading through your post you seem miserable in your current situation. You don’t want to leave because you don’t want to change other situations you do like. But ask yourself what the point of having that stuff is if at the end of the day it just brings you to a place where you’re miserable. You’re basically in prison.
If you want to improve things you need to understand you’re going to have to sacrifice something. Maybe you gotta get a kinda crappy place to live for a bit. Maybe you do end up having to get a new job. Whatever you do, you need to do what’s best for you and for your kids.
You say you’re almost 31. You’re my age. Life is basically just starting. Great time for a fresh start. This might be hard to hear, but let’s say you guys split up and both end up in other great relationships. Now your kids have 4 people loving them and taking care of them. I know plenty of people with awesome step-parents.
If you legitimately don’t like being with this person, the worst thing you can do is “stay together for the kids.” If you do that you grow to resent and hate your kids too. Then everyone is miserable.
I would say to give separation a try but you said you’ve broken up a couple times already. Maybe if you sit down, talk it out in a mature way, and go your separate ways, you can go forward and maybe be friendly while doing your own thing.
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Rayven
Jobber
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Post by Rayven on Mar 19, 2019 12:02:23 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your tough situation, bro. Have you two thought about going to therapy? Or maybe exploring a polyamorous relationship? She can still be your partner and be a regular fixture in your life as the mother to your kids, while you can still pursue a more meaningful and romantic relationship with someone else whose worldview is more aligned to yours...
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