Hell Rp- Never Ever

Wow! This was good! Much better than your debut RP!

Of course, this piece still has a few issues, mostly with the grammar and spelling which needs some work. Content-wise, you did a great job! You also took every bit of feedback from your last piece and made the changes here so kudos. It wasn't tough reading through this one.

This RP wasn't all....all-over-the-place as your first one. It had a thread with some foreshadowing throughout. Your dialogue isn't bad but it needs some work. Some of it just sounded weird but dialogue isn't something you just "get" in two RPs - it takes times, even I struggle with dialogue too so keep working on that because what you wrote here was a big improvement!

I LOVED that scene in the hospital where Johnny is grieving over his son's incident and what does he see on the wall? A bunch of daisies. Brilliant.

You improved here so I expect you to only get better and better and I definitely look forward to seeing you climb up the ranks!

Let me start with the bad, then build you up with everything that's good.

Dialogue is still an issue, which is fine, I think everyone here minus like 3-4 people struggle with it. Just make it flow better, I honestly have the conversation out loud to my self when I write it, if it comes off smooth I keep it. If it sounds kind of choppy, I say it differently until I get what I'm looking for or close to what I'm looking for.

You're still kind of jumping. It's not all over the place like Mesh said, but it's still a lot. One example being the McDonald's scene. It was going fine until the ice cream bit, where it jumped from Bryce getting a gleam in his eye still at the table, to them already back at the table. Small things like "Bryce gets a gleam in his eye as he nods aggressively. He pulls himself out of the booth so fast and practically sprints to the counter, leaving his mom in the dust."

Also, even though this was still fine and it got the job done, there are little things you could've done to make Cathy more hated by the readers. Whenever there's an antagonist, and you're the protagonist, the more hatred you can get for the antagonist the more rooting you'll get in your RP. I'm probably not making any sense, but in your world as Johnny Mason, even though you have antagonist in WFWF that you face, in you're 'real life' Mason you'll have the same too. I would've had Cathy tell Mason to give her the money for the ice cream, planting the hatred early, and keeping it rolling. I spent way to long on this, because this was still good in your RP. I'm feeling long winded I guess.

The good. You took the advice everyone gave you last show. It shows a lot of promise. If you can keep it up with taking the advice and implementing each show, you're going to be a great RP writer by the end of the year. Your foreshadowing was great, I loved the subtle hints. Sorry to Mesh but I also loved the hospital scene, where he looks up and sees Daisies. That was golden.

Your scenes weren't bad, needed a little more but the descriptions weren't bad. The focus was there. The drive is there. You just need to harness it and take the advice you get.

This was, again, much better than your first one. You've improved by 50% more of where you were at last. This is good, even if it sounded like I was harping on you, it's good. Nice job Mason!

Dialogue will always be tricky. Like I said, there's only like 3-4 people here who can do it great. I not being one of them. You're doing great man. Can't wait to see where you go from here, and I can't wait to see where Mason goes from here.