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Post by Brad on Jan 19, 2021 8:57:18 GMT -5
I can't go to Facebook with this. I've suffered with depression for years. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and I feel like I've hit a breaking point again. I don't know how much more I can take. I called off work this morning and my wife has no idea. Right now I'm sitting in my recliner with a 5th of liquor and have taken a couple of pain pills. A big part of me doesn't want to go down this road, but I'm tired. Most days I feel like I'd rather lay down and not wake up. I'm looking at pictures of my daughter, who is a massive Daddy's girl, and I can't imagine putting her through the pain and confusion of me being gone, but there's also part of me that thinks If I check out that my wife will eventually move on and find someone who can take better care of her than I can.
I'm about to go into something I don't think I've ever revealed here. On top of the depression I have Cerebral Palsy. I don't know how many of you have heard of it, but basically it's caused by brain damage at birth. My air was cut off at birth and I had a collapsed lung. To put it in perspective, they had to transport me to a hospital less than 2 hours away for proper care and the doctors prepared my parents for the strong possibility that I might not even make it there. I did, obviously but I was in the hospital for two months before I could come home.
I told you all that to say that even though I have a very mild case and it's not impacted my life much in the grand scheme, I most likely couldn't protect my family if we were ever in danger. I'm mobile, but a soft shove would send me to the ground.
I often think about what I would do if my wife passed before me and I was left to care for our daughter. I don't drive. I don't even know how I'd take care of her basic needs outside of providing money for what she needs. Add my depression that can get pretty crippling and it scares me to death.
I don't want to go, but at the same time I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting this demon year after year.
I've turned off my phone and have thought about recording videos for my family just in case this is it. I truly don't know what today will bring at this point. I'm almost out of fight.
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Post by Jack Specific on Jan 19, 2021 10:18:50 GMT -5
I sent you a PM. Please read  |
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Post by rowdy1971 on Jan 19, 2021 10:41:06 GMT -5
You never know what tomorrow brings and that right there is the greatest thing ever. Everyone thinks they know. "Oh, it's still going to be bad", "It's still going to suck". But we truly never know what tomorrow brings. I live by this simple two word phrase. Ever Forward. You have to keep moving forward and leave all the stuff in the past and all the stuff that you pass behind. You have a little girl who needs her daddy. That right there is everything to fight for. And NO, she won't get anyone better than you. And NO, she won't move on and just love another person that will try to fill the daddy role. And NO, the world will not be a better place without you in it.
Keep fighting, it's not going to be easy, but holy hell you can do it!!!!! And keep moving Ever Forward. Get the help you need. The suicide prevention line. 1-800-273-8255
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Post by Brad on Jan 19, 2021 10:43:32 GMT -5
You never know what tomorrow brings and that right there is the greatest thing ever. Everyone thinks they know. "Oh, it's still going to be bad", "It's still going to suck". But we truly never know what tomorrow brings. I live by this simple two word phrase. Ever Forward. You have to keep moving forward and leave all the stuff in the past and all the stuff that you pass behind. You have a little girl who needs her daddy. That right there is everything to fight for. And NO, she won't get anyone better than you. And NO, she won't move on and just love another person that will try to fill the daddy role. And NO, the world will not be a better place without you in it. Keep fighting, it's not going to be easy, but holy hell you can do it!!!!! And keep moving Ever Forward. Get the help you need. The suicide prevention line. 1-800-273-8255 Thank you |
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Post by Valbroski on Jan 19, 2021 10:49:44 GMT -5
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I know what it’s like to be in that headspace. It’s not something that I would wish on anybody.
I know I don’t know you personally so I recognize it’s easy for me to be dismissive of your situation and just say something like hang in there, it gets better. The truth is you don’t know if it’s going to get better until you try to make things better. Think about how much bigger the world is than just the situation you’re in. Think about how you have somebody that loves you and how you were fortunate enough to be able to bring a child into this world. In that right, you’ve already achieved more than a lot of people do. You also obviously are a caring partner and father if you’re prioritizing their well-being in your thoughts when you feel your lowest.
I also understand that when you’re in this headspace, it’s easy to criticize your competence by over analyzing your short comings. In my experience, the anxiety surrounding the idea of doing something usually outweighs the difficulty of actually doing it.
Best of luck to you and I hope you keep moving forward.
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Post by Grumpyoldman on Jan 19, 2021 11:19:52 GMT -5
There is no shame in asking for help. Make an appointment with your family physician & tell him what you're going through. He can put you in touch with the right people.
Please don't do anything drastic. You have no idea how badly it will affect your wife, daughter & family.
I hope you find help for what you need.
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Post by rkmo: 9 Month Warning on Jan 19, 2021 11:24:13 GMT -5
All I can offer is that no matter how bad the circumstances, your loved ones would ALWAYS prefer a life with you rather than without.
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Post by Brad on Jan 19, 2021 11:28:15 GMT -5
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I know what it’s like to be in that headspace. It’s not something that I would wish on anybody. I know I don’t know you personally so I recognize it’s easy for me to be dismissive of your situation and just say something like hang in there, it gets better. The truth is you don’t know if it’s going to get better until you try to make things better. Think about how much bigger the world is than just the situation you’re in. Think about how you have somebody that loves you and how you were fortunate enough to be able to bring a child into this world. In that right, you’ve already achieved more than a lot of people do. You also obviously are a caring partner and father if you’re prioritizing their well-being in your thoughts when you feel your lowest. I also understand that when you’re in this headspace, it’s easy to criticize your competence by over analyzing your short comings. In my experience, the anxiety surrounding the idea of doing something usually outweighs the difficulty of actually doing it. Best of luck to you and I hope you keep moving forward. I listen to a lot of Mac Miller. I've told my wife I feel like in some ways he was a kindred spirit to me. |
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Post by Valbroski on Jan 19, 2021 11:36:02 GMT -5
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I know what it’s like to be in that headspace. It’s not something that I would wish on anybody. I know I don’t know you personally so I recognize it’s easy for me to be dismissive of your situation and just say something like hang in there, it gets better. The truth is you don’t know if it’s going to get better until you try to make things better. Think about how much bigger the world is than just the situation you’re in. Think about how you have somebody that loves you and how you were fortunate enough to be able to bring a child into this world. In that right, you’ve already achieved more than a lot of people do. You also obviously are a caring partner and father if you’re prioritizing their well-being in your thoughts when you feel your lowest. I also understand that when you’re in this headspace, it’s easy to criticize your competence by over analyzing your short comings. In my experience, the anxiety surrounding the idea of doing something usually outweighs the difficulty of actually doing it. Best of luck to you and I hope you keep moving forward. I listen to a lot of Mac Miller. I've told my wife I feel like in some ways he was a kindred spirit to me. I feel like he reached a lot of people that way. When he passed it felt like losing a friend who you love but haven’t kept in touch with. I think we all passively assume everybody is doing fine all the time and it makes it harder for people to speak out when they are not. Like you’re scared of what people might think if you admit you’re not happy. |
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Post by Brad on Jan 19, 2021 11:38:45 GMT -5
I listen to a lot of Mac Miller. I've told my wife I feel like in some ways he was a kindred spirit to me. I feel like he reached a lot of people that way. When he passed it felt like losing a friend who you love but haven’t kept in touch with. I think we all passively assume everybody is doing fine all the time and it makes it harder for people to speak out when they are not. Like you’re scared of what people might think if you admit you’re not happy. Exactly |
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Post by k5 on Jan 19, 2021 12:39:44 GMT -5
I think this last year especially has, despite all the technology bombarding us, disconnected us from the things and people who we may not have even realized were playing important roles in our day to day well being. often times when we lose the feeling of connection, and it's all a blurry struggle, depression can be the natural thing to turn to.
so allow yourself to feel your depression, process it, but also allow yourself to know that it will pass and you will be happy that you held strong throughout it.
we all, at one point or another, feel not far from how you do now. hope is not lost.
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Joined on: Apr 25, 2024 14:19:09 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2021 13:10:26 GMT -5
Back at the end of 2016 I entered a really bad place mentally. I wasn't sure how I'd get out, but 2017 and 2018 were really dark; I, at one point, didn't sleep for nine days. But slowly I began to reach for professional help, and was able to discover that my brain has the chemical make-up for Bipolar Disorder and OCD. By 2019 I began to take medication and seek out talk therapy, and so much of my obsessive thinking and sleep problems deteriorated. 2019 was a good year, 2020 was better, and 2021 I expect even more progress. I've finished school and am moving toward a career.
Our demons may be totally different, and we may be taking/need to take totally different paths to beat them (straight depression and Bipolar depression are similar yet different, though I think in my case I suffer from just really unpleasant Bipolar manias), but if nothing else I can tell you that as you move toward healthy places and people to help you conquer what ails you, slowly but surely you will see improvement and a brighter day. Your family is counting on you, and you can end up in such a better place mentally for yourself and them as long as you keep going. Never call it a day, because the mountain is so much easier to climb than you realize. May sound corny, but it's the truth.
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Post by GBGav on Jan 19, 2021 14:05:37 GMT -5
I read through your comments and the reaction you've brought out of probable strangers, myself included now. Sometimes it's not easy to be vulnerable with your friends on facebook and perhaps the best people are the ones you've turned to now. The misfits of a wrestling figure forum. Out of everything, the one thing I focus most on is the beautiful family photo in your profile. That is what you fight for. That little girl can't tell you now how much you mean to her but she would if she could. She's gonna grow up into an amazing lady with you guiding her as her dad. No one on earth can replace who you are to her, or to your wife. You're all going to grow old together and one day your daughter will be the one caring for you and bringing her own kids to see their grandad. I know life can get on top of us and we can start feeling apathetic about everything, like there's no point to anything. But there are always things that can give us enjoyment or purpose. It might be something small like playing a video game. Or big like having a loving family who wouldn't trade you for the world. You are their world so just keep fighting on for them. And yourself.
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Post by J'Dinkalage Morgoone on Jan 19, 2021 14:21:29 GMT -5
take alcohol out of your life, you dont need it. ITs just going to make you feel worse.
Go to AA if you need help with that.
There is no shame in asking for help
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Post by Codyverse: Tag Team Champion on Jan 19, 2021 16:10:45 GMT -5
Stay strong my man. I wish I had super positive encouraging words and sound advice but all I can really say is cling on to what’s important in your life. Wife, child, or whatever works.
I have always looked at it like this - suicide will cause more problems for the people in your life than the problems making you feel suicidal. There are people that love and adore you. Rely on you.
I’m rooting for you, dude!
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Post by Brad on Jan 19, 2021 19:01:02 GMT -5
take alcohol out of your life, you dont need it. ITs just going to make you feel worse. Go to AA if you need help with that. There is no shame in asking for help I used to drink a lot (weekend thing not during the week) but to be completely honest I've hardly drank at all since...October I guess it was that it started not sounding so appealing. I could even be around people drinking and I might have a beer if that. It sounds ridiculous but I turned to it today in hopes I'd pass out and not wake up...I did pass out, but here I am...still feel like crap but I'm about to take a shower and probably get some proper rest. I'm absolutely drained even after probably three hours of 'sleep' |
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Post by kennyw86v2 on Jan 19, 2021 20:20:50 GMT -5
Went through the same thing at the end of last year, even made a thread here. Not sure I'd be of much help, but if you need to shoot me a pm, I'd try.
Hope it gets better for you. It usually does if you give it time.
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Post by Nick the Quick on Jan 19, 2021 20:50:38 GMT -5
I can relate to what you’re going through. Four years ago I went through a personal and a professional loss right after one another. I was hurt, depressed, angry, confused, and all sorts of other emotions. I was jobless and heartbroken and had no idea what was next. I broke down at random moments way more times than I would like to admit. I needed counseling sessions to help me get through it. I had some many moments when I felt hopeless. I never reached the point of being suicidal because I had several weddings of close lifelong friends to attend that year, as well as be a groomsman for my best friend. I knew I couldn’t miss out on those things.
Now, I’m in a better place. That dark period will always be a part of me, but trust me, dark times don’t last forever. Look at your young daughter and imagine being there for all her milestone moments in life, being there for her will bring so much more joy than any struggles and pain will.
Like someone else said, ditch it alcohol. You don’t need it. It may seem like you do, but it won’t make anything better. Sober up and stay that way. You will improve so many aspects of your life and will one day regret ever picking up a bottle of booze.
The comeback is always greater than the setback.
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Post by bWo on Jan 19, 2021 22:00:56 GMT -5
I can't go to Facebook with this. I've suffered with depression for years. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and I feel like I've hit a breaking point again. I don't know how much more I can take. I called off work this morning and my wife has no idea. Right now I'm sitting in my recliner with a 5th of liquor and have taken a couple of pain pills. A big part of me doesn't want to go down this road, but I'm tired. Most days I feel like I'd rather lay down and not wake up. I'm looking at pictures of my daughter, who is a massive Daddy's girl, and I can't imagine putting her through the pain and confusion of me being gone, but there's also part of me that thinks If I check out that my wife will eventually move on and find someone who can take better care of her than I can. Your daughter wants her daddy not someone who can take care of her better. Based on what you said there she seems to be a ray of light in your life. When things are getting dark, look at that light. She might be your "daddy's girl" and look up to you, but let her inspire you too. I'm about to go into something I don't think I've ever revealed here. On top of the depression I have Cerebral Palsy. I don't know how many of you have heard of it, but basically it's caused by brain damage at birth. My air was cut off at birth and I had a collapsed lung. To put it in perspective, they had to transport me to a hospital less than 2 hours away for proper care and the doctors prepared my parents for the strong possibility that I might not even make it there. I did, obviously but I was in the hospital for two months before I could come home. But you went home. You won round 1. Life may have taken a few rounds here and there but you're back and ready to fight. You got a few words from your "cornermen" here on The Figs and you're gonna keep going. I told you all that to say that even though I have a very mild case and it's not impacted my life much in the grand scheme, I most likely couldn't protect my family if we were ever in danger. I'm mobile, but a soft shove would send me to the ground. And a bullet would stop Mike Tyson on the spot. Few people are always safe all the time. Don't spend time talking yourself down like that. You can keep your family safe with foresight. Planning. It doesn't always work, but neither does anything else. Try not to stress yourself with sh*t like that. I often think about what I would do if my wife passed before me and I was left to care for our daughter. I don't drive. I don't even know how I'd take care of her basic needs outside of providing money for what she needs. Add my depression that can get pretty crippling and it scares me to death. If that's what you're worried about than consider you being gone and then something happening to your wife. The thought of what your daughter has to go through in that situation should be even scarier. Or you find a way not to think of either. I know you said you have depression and it's not as easy as flipping a switch, but you've got to find a way to stay positive. I don't want to go, but at the same time I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting this demon year after year. Nobody here walks in your shoes so all we can do is offer you advice. Keep fighting bro. I've turned off my phone and have thought about recording videos for my family just in case this is it. I truly don't know what today will bring at this point. I'm almost out of fight. Then look at those pictures of your daughter and think about how much she loves you and needs you. Stare at those pictures. When you feel the tears welting up put the pictures down, look your demons in the eyes and tell them to f*ck off. You've got your motivation. She calls you daddy. And some day she's going to have demons of her own and is going to be happy to have you around to help her with them. You'll be glad you're there.
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Post by Brad on Jan 20, 2021 14:45:11 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I feel physically like crap because of my stupidity yesterday, but I'm still here.
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