Dug out some of my old VHS tapes and this one caught my eye since I hadn't watched it in so long. I'm a sucker for cheesy 80's horror movies like this.
I don't remember exactly when I got this movie but I think I was actually pretty young. I can remember my local video store having a big cardboard display with a swinging axe on it. Cool stuff.
I'm going to do something a little different here. I'm going to divide this up into a few posts. The first few will be a description of the entire movie...in words. For those of you who don't want to bother actually watching the film...why not read it?
Stupid...but I'm bored tonight. Anyway. After posting my entire movie summary I will be posting a short spoilerless review of the film. I know this big thing here is VERY long. I tried to make it somewhat humerous and entertaining to read. If you don't want to bother, skip ahead to my next post which will include the smaller review.
So here it is....
PART ONE OF MY BIG ASS SLAUGHTERHOUSE REVIEW: COMPLETE SPOILERS. THE MOVIE IN WORDS. NEARLY EACH AND EVERY SCENE DESCRIBED.The movie opens with a huge group of teens just kind of hanging out in the middle of nowhere. They get busted by a cop who turns out to the the "Cool cop that everyone knows". He's actually up to no good with a girl of his own in the car so he lets them go. Two of the teenagers eventually run off together and win up on a hog farm. The male teen riles up the pigs and this introduces us to good ole' Buddy and his big ass axe. (as pictured on the cover of the video box) Buddy offs the teens with the axe and we get some gore and after that....we get one of the greatest opening credit sequences I have ever seen. Complete with lounge music, pig sex (Seriously...pigs....
ing), a Point of view cam as the opening credit sequence takes us on a tour of the pig slaughtering facility (all the while this cheesy lounge music is still playing) where we get to see the entire pig slaughtering process. Fun stuff.
We return to our regularly scheduled movie already in progress. What we learn soon enough that the movie involves a family who owns a hog slaughtering buisness that is going through some legal troubles. They have a lot of people on their backs....wait....the families name? They are the Bacon family. Anyway, An attorney a cop and a partner of sorts to Mr. Lester Bacon go to his home to speak with him. It is here where we see Buddy again....and he makes pig noises. Anyway, the trio offer Lester a large sum of money to sell his land to get him out of his legal battle but Lester isn't having it. Some of the dialogue in this whole sequence is hilarious. Everyone is entirely over dramatic. Especially Lester talking about his hog buisness and such. So they basically tell Lester and his son Buddy have 30 days to leave the property. Lester bitches, curses and takes a good ole' Genuine redneck fit and refuses. But they leave him with 30 days to leave. Buddy moans and oinks and Lester has a look in his face like "
you guys. I'll show you".
We then see some more teens and it's easy to tell from the get-go which will survive. We get the good looking boyfriend, the girlfriend who is goody goody, a geek and another couple who seem like the fun couple.
After setting them up, we go back to our Lawyer, cop, former partner of Lester trio. They are basically walking around talking about how good the hog killing buisness used to be. We also learn more of Lesters former partners old relationship with Lester. We also learn that Lester Bacon had another son and nobody is aware of what ever happened to him.
We go back to the "goody two shoes" couple driving down the road. We now know that the teens are planning to party tonight. Care to make any predictions? The "Goody" couple get pulled over by the cool cop who gives in and lets them go. Why? He's cool.
Buddy is now shown for no reason at all, sitting in a barn petting a pig. A cat meows at him. Buddy kills it.
Back to the teens eating at a restaraunt hyping up their wild party. So we learn that this party will involve costumes for some reason.
Buddy again, this time with Lester. Lester is bitching again. Buddy is oinking. Buddy leads Lester to some dead bodies of the two teens he killed. Budd oinks. Lester can tell what he's saying....anyway. Lester complains about Buddy killing. He tells him he didn't buy him a new cleaver for his birthday to do something like that. Then Lester forgives his son because he seemed to have made "good clean cuts". Ok....I love it. Anyway....Lester says that the people trying to take his land are the ones who deserve this. So he gets a gleam in his eye and shakes his fists. Good stuff.
The teens shop for their costumes. Apparantely it must be around Halloween. They are driving and one of them....for no
ing reason whatsoever says "Hey. Lets go check out the old slaughterhouse" And off they go.
Buddy's former partner....now identified as Harold Murdoch...is shown in his office. Lester calls Harold and apologizes to him stating that they have been friends to long to screw it up and he will take the offer. He tells Harold he needs to discuss it with him. Harold agrees. We see Buddy sharpening his cleaver and giving it a spit shine.
So the teens are cruising up the road to the Slaughterhouse and they all agree that it looks empty and creepy.
Now we see a dispatcher at the police station stating something about a bad accident somewhere or another. She is talking to The cool cop. But she tells him not to worry about it. He tells her he is going to check something out. Confusing but that's just part of it.
We see the teens exploring the old slaughterhouse. We also see Buddy lurking in the shadows.
The cool cop is our looking around for something. Just kind of looks like an abandoned field.
Back to the slaughterhouse. The teens are running around having fun with a video camera and their costumes. This whole sequence is so damn laughable. It's great. It's like an 80's music video or something. Then we get the greatest line that we heard constantly in 80's films. "Lets Blow this popstand" one of the guys says and it's back to the jeep and they are off. I wonder if they'll be coming back here after the party later?? Buddy is oinking out the window.
Lester calls the Lawyer....Tom. He is being extremely nice and tells Tom to come by around 5. Lester is good at pacing himself. Wait...the pigs are disturbed outside. Must be a visitor. It's the cool cop.
Anyway, back to the dispatch office, the sherrif shows back up. He's been investigating the "accident" mentioned above. It appears as though the two teens who were killed at the begining were placed somewhere so it would look like an accident. Good thinking Lester.
The Cool Cop is now in the slaughterhouse looking around. He walks into chains and all of that fun stuff. He then finds....blood. Some more blood drips and he finds the cat buddy killed earlier and it couldn't possibly look anymore like a skank ass stuffed animal. He draws his gun. This can't be good. He points it in betwee the cracks of a door and the damn door slams on his hand cutting it off. Buddy has arrived. He gets the cops hand with the gun still in it and looks like he is going to shoot him. But instead he drops the hand...it bounces....yeah. Anwyay, looks like Buddy is going to chop him up but he doesn't. The cool cop dies anyway. Buddy gets Lester. Lester is a little pissed that Buddy Killed the deputy. Lester tells him that it's the other three who are the enemies. Not the rest of the people. Lester just tell him to clean up his mess. Lester is a nice guy deep down. You can tell.
Harold is shown arriving at Lester and Buddy's home. Lester and Harold catch up on old times. Good line here...
Harold: "Boy times flies don't it"
Lester: "For some people"
Lester leads Harold into a dark room and now Lester is getting evil on us. He's telling Harold exactly how it is and Lester says Taxes are the most evil thing man has concieved. Lester shows Harold all of the dead bodies. Lester is cornered and Buddy is on a platform overhead swinging the axe. Harold begs Lester to call him off. Lester preaches some more. Yet he still sounds extremely nice. Lester says the dead people are the jury. He says if you think Harold isn't guilty ....raise your hand. Harold is guilty. Buddy picks him up by the head and squeezes his head until he dies.
The Goody Goody couple are now working out...no....now they are making out.
Buddy is seen staring at a flattened baby bird. He drops it to the ground...and stomps it. Why?
The sherrif is in the police station complaining about the towns troubles. He leaves to out on some investigative work. He goes to....a bar. He is looking for Dave. AKA: The Cool cop. I guess a bar would be the best place to look for him. We learn that Dave's name...is Dave Thomas. He might be at Wendy's. He should look there. Anyway, the sherriff meets the girl Dave had in the car with him at the begining.
We now get some crazy cheesy music. Buddy is wearing Daves police uniform and it fits him like an extra small rubber glove. He gets into the police car and drives away with the siren blaring. Buddy's driving skills are simply no good. But he's happy. He's oinking...growling and squealing on the police radio. Dispatch calls Daves car looking for him. Buddy squeals. The dispatch lady looks concerned. Dave's lady friend passes waving but is denied. She looks concerned and turns to follow. All the while a horrible song plays. Buddy pulls over and the whore approaches. She screams when she sees Buddy. He growls, groans, moans. The woman is pinned in her car with Buddy trying to get in. BIG ROCK. Dropped on the windshield. The woman runs. It eventually leads to a throat getting slit....which goes right into a scene showing....
A tomato getting sliced. We are now at the Sherriffs house. He complains some more to his wife about all of the towns troubles and everything that is going on with Dave missing and various other problems. He drinks a beer and complains some more. We also learn that the female character of the "Goody two shoes" couple is the sherriffs daughter.
Meanwhile...back at Lesters.Tom the Lawyer has arrived. Must be 5 PM now. Tom doesn't play around. He just kind of wonders right into the slaughterhouse. He shouts for Harold. Nothing. Lester shows up. He starts his ranting all over again and states that Buddy has basic hygeine problems....Buddy corners Tom and grabs him. Tom says "DON'T PLAY WITH ME BACON!" Lester fires up the meat grinder. Tom apologizes and pleads. Lester asks Buddy is Tom really means it. Buddy oinks. Lester agrees...Tom isn't really sorry. Into the grinder he goes. Blood and guys fly out of it and we get some nastiness here.
Now we are at the "Big party" AKA "The Pig OUt" that everyones been hyping the entire film. There are no costumes. None at all. The teens we have seen through the whole film don't even have costumes. What the hell? Anyway, we hear some awful 80s music and we see a montage of dancing and fun. It's hilarious. Embarrassing to an extent....but funny as hell. Oh no...our fun is interrupted. The power has went out. They tell everyone to go outside until they get it restored. Funny thing...they said everyone in town was going to that party....there seems to only be about 20 people there. One of the guys get the idea that they should just go to the slaughterhouse. lol. Anyway, the sherriffs daughter takes a bet from the rest of the group...including her boyfriend...that she can last more than an hour in the slaughterhouse. So off they go.
We see the sherriff getting extremely dramatic at the police station stating that something crazy is going on around there.
Back to the teens. Both of the girls are going to go into the Slaughterhouse. The guys are heckling them. The couples kiss and the girls are off to the Slaughterhouse.
She sherriff has left the police station.
We see the girls in the slaughterhouse with flashlights making shadow puppets and all sorts of fun things. The guys have approached the slaughterhouse with their masks with the intentions of scaring the girls.
We see the sherriff investigating some stuff. He's dramatic again.
We see the girls looking around some more. They can hear the guys outside messing around. So they get the idea to scare the guys instead. The sherriffs daughter leaves to sneak up on them. The other girls agrees to be the bait. One guy sneaks into the slaughterhouse. The other is creeping around outside. One climbs on the roof and is taunting the girl through the window. But wait...someones behind him. Buddy puts the axe to him. The girl screams. Buddy grunts. Buddy groans. Buddy oinks.
The other girl is walking around outside like an idiot and can't seem to find anyone.
The other guy has wondered into another part of the slaughterhouse.He walks into some chains and stuff much like Dave did earlier. DAMN.....Buddy actually too me by suprise. An axe to the side of the head.
Now only the girls remain. The sherriffs daughter is still not having any luck. Where could those guys be? She walks around. She calls for them. She goes it again. Then again. Then again. She even does it again. Nothing. Wait...again. Nothing still. She whines and complains. Lightning flashes...dead bodies. Everywhere. Including the other girl. Lester walks out from behind the bodies. He recites the "This Little Piggy" poem. She runs....right into Buddy. Why they killed everyone else so quickly but didn't just off her is beyond me. But that's part of the cheese factor here.
The sherriff is in the car talking on his speaker and he learns that Dave never returned home. The sherriff is even more dramatic. He's found out that Tom and Harold haven't been seen either. He puts the pieces together in some dramatic Sherlock Holmes fashion. They must have went to Lesters.
We now see Buddy holding the girl down. Lester is talking crapto her. But he's being nice. Lester realizes that this is the sherriffs daughter. He realizes that this could be the way to get the Sherrif there and to get even more even with him. Lester says some shit. Lester kind of looks like Obi Wan Kenobi from the original Star Wars. Anyway, Lester talks to the screaming girl about his knives. This scene really wants to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But this is just funny. Buddy slobbers onto her face and she screams some more. Lester bitches some more. He's thinking about the old days. In a very "TCM moment" Lester cuts the girls finger tip. He says some random shit. Buddy gets up in her face.
The sherriff arrives at the Bacons property. He notices his commrades cars out front. He gets a concerned look on his face. The sherriff looks like Jim Henson somewhat.
Back inside, Lester is doing some more evil crapto the girl. She shoves Lester into some sort of spikey thing. Lester is hurt. The girl runs. "GET HER DAMMIT!" says Lester. Buddy runs his big fat ass in hot pursuit. The Sherriff is inside now. His daughter finds him. The sherriff shoots at Buddy but his the cleaver....Buddy squeals without moving his mouth and runs off. The sherriff and his daughter run outside. Lester comes up from behind the sherriff and stabs him. He tells the girl that she's next but she gets the sherriffs gun and shoots Lester. The helps the undead Sherriff to his feet and they try to get away. Rain rain and more rain falls. Lester is crawling around now. The sherriff and his daughter get into the car and get the doors closes. Lester is trying to get in. The car actually starts suprisingly. Lester falls. The girl drives the car over Lester. They drive off...but Buddy...( lol...I just typed butt Buddy in a sense)...anwyay...Buddy appears in the backseat. He raises his cleaver....and offs both of them.
Wow....no survivors. That is actually impressive.
Move ahead for the much smaller mini spoilerless review
