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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 28, 2015 13:28:53 GMT -5
Drakz and Trace nailed my talking points man, but I still have to say that this is excellent. You know that I love your use of vocabulary throughout in your work and you've once again managed to use it to paint a picture inside Daniel's mind of his shaky faith leading into the Kyzer fight. You also did a great job working the contrasts between the two men by respectfully breaking down Kyzer's nuances. I can't find anything else to comment on, just know I think you did an excellent job here.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 28, 2015 13:10:35 GMT -5
I'm glad you approached me to help you with this section man, because the whole thing worked out famously. I think it played on what you were going with in the first section, but in more of a slow build type of way. Nice to see that you got Percy and Z to help you out because they haven't been active in a while and I think they did a great job. I don't know how you wanted this to turn out or if it hit what you envisioned, but I think it was awesome.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 28, 2015 13:03:10 GMT -5
This is great work man. I love the overarching, Schneider backed into a corner, angle you presented here. Even though it came from different perspectives, it showed Schneider as even more mentally unstable which I think adds an extra effect because I feel when his destructive behavior affects the ones that are close it's more truthful than when it's just the main person. I think you played that dynamic perfectly throughout, especially when Percy is narrating. I feel like he's apologizing in advance for anything Phil's done or will do. But my favorite scene was Deville's death. Just the apex of a great tone set. The opening and closing monologues were very well done as well, giving us a sense of justification for Phil being this way.
Excellent work dude.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 16:59:48 GMT -5
I think I already told you the ladder match will be done by tommorrow at some point. I got stuck in the middle with some spots.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 16:05:04 GMT -5
Considering what you've been juggling with school, I think you still managed to put out a solid effort. I tend to agree with Trace when he said this felt like a half an rp. Though I'd say this felt like a piece of one, albeit a well written piece. I think what I like about this is that it was nice to see you step out of the KKK by numbers thing you were starting to fall into, very similar to where I was before the Blaze match. I particularly like it because not only did you manage to put value into your title and your daughter, but also because any type of development for a character I'm still learning is always welcome.
I know it's not up to the standards you've set for yourself, but I think it's still a solid outing. Good job man.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 15:41:02 GMT -5
Another solid outing for you bro. I think the thing I like most about this is the overarching theme of Jack feeling backed into a corner, and the switches from Jack to Amy really drove that point home with the way you get the story from both sides. I think it was important to at least set it in motion the reasons behind hooking up with Garrett and you did a great job there. I would've really liked for you to have a scene or so, because I think you could have some great interactions between Amy, Jack and Jayson. I don't it would've been a necessity per say since The actual story is very good.
Overall another solid outing for you and I think with your National Title shot and this new team dynamic, things are about to get very interesting in the Jack Sabbath camp.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 15:03:41 GMT -5
I agree with Trace and Drakz that this was far from the quality we've come to expect from you. My biggest qualms about it is that you had the opportunity to utilize a ready made storyline with Nikki. The pieces were in place to go into detail about losing to her way back when, getting your teeth knocked out, having to wait X amount of months to get your validation, etc that would've made for a much more compelling read. I felt though reading this that Ante took no ownership of the National Title only referencing his record breaking reign once, when that was something you should've jumped on. I agree with Trace that it seemed like you overthought it.
That being said, there were some parts I thought were good. The "King Ante" interludes and the monologue were your best parts and I feel those are some things you can utilize moving forward to even play on the bi-polar part of the gimmick. The manic highs where Ante feels unstoppable, the depressing lows where he feels like a sack of garbage. Something that contrasting can draw some nice parallels.
Keep working at it though bro, I have a feeling that you'll bounce back in fine form.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 9:47:48 GMT -5
I liked this man. I'm with Drakz, this seems like it would be better served as an interlude to an actual scene, but this one has actual continuity and a clear theme. I think what I enjoy the most is that Yukio on his way out has made it clear he wants the young bucks to beat him, thus making himself a big deal by serving himself up as their proverbial feather in the cap. Good work bro
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MANtage
Apr 27, 2015 8:44:49 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 8:44:49 GMT -5
This was funny as hell bro. The card battle stuff was probably my favorite part. The actual cards were a nice touch. You have a lot of craziness going on each and every time, still managing to hit all your talking points.
Well done, man.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 7:56:02 GMT -5
Man, I'm glad you put out something for this match. I saw the stuff you were trying to do and I would've liked to have seen you try to use some of it here, because I think you could've salvaged a decent showing. This monologue is what it is though.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 7:47:58 GMT -5
Trace and Drakz pretty well nailed my talking points man. Even at the very least, you should always try to give your opponent some lip service. That's why you'll see when guys get in a pinch, they'll go with a monologue. Now I think you predominantly writing scenes is a good thing but if you're wanting to go that route you need to make sure you're maximizing the time so you can do the story justice. This match had some in show build and I think you missed an opportunity here. Might I suggest that if you have a smartphone downloading a notepad application? A lot of guys in the fed are adopting this route, (Brennan and myself are most notable because of being parents) and it can really help you get ideas down when you have those pockets of time. Hope to see you continue to work and improve because you've got potential dude.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 27, 2015 3:57:41 GMT -5
This is one of the strongest things I've read from you in a while Jay. Drakz pretty well covered a lot of my talking points, but I liked how well this flowed in an overall scope. I think as far as your content you did exactly what you needed to do to put to rest the Jayson Garrett we've come to know. The literal tearing down of his past was a very nice turn of events. Really sets this new direction you're going off to a good start. Good job bro.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 26, 2015 2:39:21 GMT -5
Despite all of those factors, it is still promising when the roster cares enough to put out something. April/May always seems to be a tough time when over half the roster is either in high school or college due to the end of the school year. The summer months excite me though.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 16:36:52 GMT -5
You'll have it within the next couple hours.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 15:38:36 GMT -5
I do have to say about the scene with Trace, I actually had him give it a look to make sure it was accurate. There were a couple tweaks made in the process, but the meat of that scene was my interpretation of how an interaction between the two would go. I got to thank him for that.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 15:15:13 GMT -5
I know when I talked to you a couple days ago, you said to me that with school reaching finals time, you felt you couldn't do the match justice. I honestly don't think that's entirely true, because what you have here is great. That first reflection I thought was the highlight of this rp, because of the brief interaction with Anders. Hard to explain what exactly it was, I guess it's the way you made it seem like there was a lot going on even though there wasn't. The actual monologue was very strong, weaving in the Bishop/Demon story in seamlessly.
I would've loved to see what you had planned for this one, especially if it came to fruition. I think it could've been special. That said, very nice job of sticking to your guns with the limited time.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 14:14:22 GMT -5
You know dude, one thing I like about your writing is your use of different perspectives. I think it's a nice change up in filling out the story, especially since it looks like you're building towards the next direction you're taking with Trace. I think you did a good job centering around the trust and charity themes, and even though the first couple sections were a bit rough, you really picked it up at the scene in Callahan's and pounded out some strong content.
I know it wasn't the best work by your standards, but it was still a pretty smooth and overall solid read. Good job bro.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 9:06:16 GMT -5
I'm cool. Probably better to ask the other guys in the match.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 4:31:23 GMT -5
Got me. I haven't talked to him in a few days. I know he said school has been kicking him in the teeth this semester. *shrugs shoulders* Wish I knew more man.
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Post by jdfranchise on Apr 25, 2015 4:29:18 GMT -5
This would've been posted like 4 hours ago. But when you have a toddler that doesn't like going to bed, it can throw your best laid plans out the window. It literally took me an hour to code this. Makes me wonder who you guys can code stuff with so many colors so efficiently. Oh well. I enjoyed writing this and tried a couple different things on this. Hopefully it reads well and you guys enjoy. Sorry again for the delay.
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