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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 23, 2015 17:43:02 GMT -5
I think you did a good job with the narrative points man. I can tell you were strapped for time and you wanted to get something out for the show. That was evident in the few typos I spotted. It doesn't take away from it however, because even a average showing from you is still a good read because you've developed Trace into a pretty compelling character. Something I always like in good writing pieces is a heel's justification for their actions and I think you did that here. It served its purpose and really builds up the inevitable clash between Bish and Trace, so no complaints here. Good work man.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 23, 2015 12:46:29 GMT -5
This was still very well written dude. Your vocabulary is I believe your biggest strength and your use during Daniel's reflection is just awesome. I like that you were able to make connections between Kyzer and Stan McCann through their attitudes and the way you picked through all of Stan's nuances since there wasn't a lot to go on. Well done man.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 22, 2015 18:12:39 GMT -5
Jay, I think this is a step in the right direction for you. Throughout the storyline with Chase, we've seen subtle changes in Jayson's demeanor, but nothing as in depth as I feel this is. I think seeing Jayson seperate himself from it all is a needed change to develop you further as a writer because the storyline has been such a focus for you that I think it has taken away at times. This felt like a good balance mix.
As far as the writing itself, I noticed a few typos and some sentences that didn't mesh together well which hurt the flow. And I think in a few spots you looked like you were trying for emphasis but it came across repetitive.
Overall though, this is more of what I want to see from you moving forward. The technical errors will work themselves out. Good job bro.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 17, 2015 17:50:42 GMT -5
I've been writing rp's on my phone for a while now. Only way I can do it with the kids being all over the place.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 17, 2015 16:34:14 GMT -5
If it helps you find your groove, it can't be a bad thing. Everyone has a setting that makes them feel productive in their writing. Something I know that has been mentioned in your feedback is making the "gimmick" become a part of your character's personality, or basically turning the volume up on yourself. When you find that, it makes writing much easier to do in any setting.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 17, 2015 16:11:16 GMT -5
True.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 13, 2015 18:11:53 GMT -5
Hell yeah
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 13, 2015 1:29:15 GMT -5
No problem man. It's a bit nitpicky I know, but someone would've pointed it out.
Nice poster btw. Love those cuts of Dean and Witner. Been wanting to learn how to do graphics for a while now, but as you can see by my signature, I can't even get the graphics I've had made to show.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 12, 2015 19:15:56 GMT -5
Indeed.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 12, 2015 18:21:36 GMT -5
Nikki actually got hurt against Axel Thornstowe. The card writeup makes it sound like she got hurt against Witner. Witner started taking issue with SOS after his title match at Grudge against Nikki.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 11, 2015 19:16:40 GMT -5
On a serious note, the results are still sexuh. And even with a smaller card, it still doesn't feel slighted. A lot of things got set up for Endgame and some very interesting things are happening all throughout the card. Definitely keeping an eye on Kirkbride's development now that he has had direct contact in Drakz's storyline, and the Trace/Bishop program looks like it's coming along nicely. Great job everyone involved.
Ante, if this is indeed your first time out writing one, you did very well on the match. Both of us came out of that looking very strong.
Shawn and DJS, I tried to put something decent together for you guys on short notice. Hope I did you both justice.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 11, 2015 19:06:11 GMT -5
Well, there go MY chances... I know right.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 7, 2015 9:06:29 GMT -5
Sure.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 6, 2015 19:06:24 GMT -5
I can take one of the matches, even though I was wanting to take a show off from match writing. I can write either one.
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Mar 4, 2015 23:12:25 GMT -5
Post by jdfranchise on Mar 4, 2015 23:12:25 GMT -5
I like that the young guys are coming in and finding an areas of this game they can improve on. You with monologues, and Shapiro with his dialouge, Nikki and Ante with centering around a concept. That being said, I feel like you're still rushing through thoughts without giving them time to resonate. You're starting to find a niche with Axel's voice, now I think it's time to expand on it. One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is slow down. Take your time writing so that you can get the character's clear thoughts and motivations. You're sticking around and trying and I think it will pay off for you.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 4, 2015 23:02:05 GMT -5
I agree with Schneider and Trace on the need for a strong secondary character, but the beautiful thing is I think you already have that with this Tony fella you framed the very beginning with. I think that you had an opportunity to maximize on the narrative with specific instances from Axle's past that shape him, and with some adjustments you'll nail that. I think your writing itself isn't too bad now that I've seen a couple samples. You've got pretty solid basics, lets just work on expanding.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 3, 2015 11:52:37 GMT -5
I'm glad I didn't have this to go against last show.
I don't think I need to tell you that this was excellent man. The best part is like what Trace said, this felt like a coming of age chapter in the Daniel Kirkbride story. Separating yourself from Brennan I think is a great direction to take Daniel in and I think regardless of the result, young guys can learn a lot reading this piece.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 3, 2015 11:24:49 GMT -5
There isn't much that I can say about this rp aside from bravo. Even though Drakz is labelled a good guy now, it's more of an antihero stance, as evidenced by putting Daniel's faith to task. But I think the thing I enjoyed about this piece is the seamlessly effortless transitions between subjects and emotions. You're absolutely right that a lot has happened to the character that needed addressed, and I don't feel like any of it got slighted in favor of another subject.
I think you've found a great place with Drakz as a baby face after spending so much of your tenure as a heel. From my own experience, and I know a lot of vets will agree with this, there is a certain comfort zone that guys get into when they've been one side of the coin for so long that it's hard to expand past it. I think you've done a great job at strategically picking certain traits to maintain and still keep the writing flowing through naturally. Great work bromigo.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 3, 2015 2:33:13 GMT -5
Brother I know all about having kids in extracurricular activities. My oldest one is in the middle of basketball season, so we're going to practice and games every week.
As for the content, this felt like a step up. I think you are really trying some things with Shapiro and the Hope Dealer gimmick, it seems like time to get your thoughts down properly is your biggest enemy. No worries though because I think you're taking steps in the right direction. I think once you find the best way to maximize your time and extend on the thoughts that are there, you'll see your writing start to improve even more. That and make sure you're checking your sentence flow, because I saw a couple that would've been much better if they were worded differently. SYE is one of the best at using his internal monologue to expand a story and I think taking a look at his work will give ya something solid to reference.
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Post by jdfranchise on Mar 3, 2015 2:20:26 GMT -5
Okies fellas, this was pretty much done last night short of coding and my last edits. I got home late from the hospital with the oldest son, and that's the only reason why I'm posting it a couple hours behind. Good luck to Ante and Slappy. Enjoy
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