House Show 1 RP # 1 : The Essence Of America

Once again, you are improving. But, unfortunately, I did notice you started doing somethings that aren't exactly good habits once more.

Your description has really improved. The first paragraph flowed extremely well. I think you will find that, in the end, you will need to start adding more detail, but that just kind of comes with experience. It also comes with the feel of what you are writing. Although, I didn't like the use of the words, "we", "scene", and "fade". To be honest, I've never liked it when people use those words in their description. Also, I was kind of disappointed to see you going back to mentioning the camera, and cameraman. For a while, you stopped that. You don't need to go backwards, you must go forwards. Just don't do it anymore.

The dialouge isn't as good as the description, but it's getting better. You could really tell that by the first paragraph. Personally, I just feel you need to add more. Like, expand on another subject, then ease into talking about your opponent. Here, it just seemed like you rushed into it. And, don't rush out of it either. For many, talking about your opponent in an RP is the most important thing. Give it your own flare, too. That's what counts the most. It doesn't have to be rushed.

I liked the therapy idea. I don't know, it was just unique. It was going to take time for you to get used to it, and what not because you are a brand new RP'er doing a brand new concept. However, whilst reading this, it occured to me that you are more comfortable in this format. Personally, I think you should stick with it for now.

It's great to see you are still improving in some areas. Like I said, there were a couple of parts I was unsure of like the mentioning of the camera, but you stopped it so easily last time, I'm sure you can do the same again.

Keep up the good work.

Those were the only true problems, yes. The other stuff will just improve with time such as learning how to add in more detail, write better dialouge, etc.