HS RP:My Big Break...

ok, here we go. Never....ever, EVER, say "setting" in the rp. You don't need to label the rp, because we all know what the setting it, and what the speech is. Speaking of the setting, there really isn't one. You say you are in a boiler room. Well, what is in a boiler room? Obviously it's extremely hot, there are well, boilers, and there are also a lot of pipes, and other sutff like that. Create the scene, you gotta like, expand, give us a picture of a boiler room with your words.

The speech is well, poorish. I mean, well you are new to rping, so you don't know much about how to speak. Being a dark and apparentlyu demented character, which btw I gotta say now I didn't get either of those hints in the rp, just from your name honestly. If you are going to be that, you gotta also yet again, in your speech, use words to give us the mood of your character. You need to expand on your words a lot. Why is your opponent gonna lose to you? don't just say he will, anyone can say that. But why? how? when? where? basically answer the 5 w's. Who, what, where, when, why....and of course, add in how. Answer all that in your speech, and you wil be on your way.