Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP

Ramos
Main Eventer

Joined on: Sept 19, 2007 13:58:31 GMT -5
Posts: 2,264

Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 24, 2007 10:54:55 GMT -5

Post by Ramos on Mar 24, 2007 10:54:55 GMT -5

We see Ruairidh Gauld sitting in a dark room with barely any lighting. He is breathing heavily and we see tears in his eyes

Gauld: Robbie Jay, House Show 22. Gauld vs. Jay. Me vs. You. Both of us re-debut in WFWF. I am ready for the match. You see I am not an emotional man but right now I am enraged at the world. Everyone tries to keep me down. Everyone at the last HS saw you but was I there? No! I wasn’t even aloud into the building. When I was here originally no one paid attention to me. When I was originally here, no one paid attention to me. I was pretty much laughed out of WFWF. But now I am back, and I am after only two things. Redemption and revenge.

The lights come on and we see posters of Robbie Jay all around the walls. But The Area around Gauld still stays in darkness

Gauld: You see all of these? These are the things that fuel my anger! Posters of you. As long as I can’t say I beat you, no one will take me seriously. I have to beat you! I cannot do anything else. I have to prove to the world that I am the best!

The Lights go back out and a single spotlight comes onto Gauld and he stands up. We see Die, Robbie, die! Written on his chest.

Gauld: You see Robbie, I not only want to beat you but I want to kill you. I want you to bleed in that ring. I want to feel your blood on my hands and know that I caused it. I want you to feel the pain that I feel every day. Knowing that the world around you ridicules you! I want you to know that you will never ridicule me or anyone else again because you won’t be able to talk.

Gauld Starts to cry and looks up to the heavens and looks enraged

Gauld: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Please give me a chance for redemption at HS 22 when I send that sinner Robbie Jay straight back to the fiery, unforgiving, dark depths of hell from which he came!

The Lights Flicker on and off in the shape of a cross as we hear lightning outside. A bright light then shines over Gauld as he looks up

OOC: I would like Rev to mentor me.

Last Edit: Mar 24, 2007 10:58:12 GMT -5 by Ramos

Yukio Blaze
Main Eventer

WFWF Record: 58-54-03-02

Joined on: Dec 15, 2004 21:50:34 GMT -5
Posts: 4,515

Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 24, 2007 11:19:29 GMT -5

Post by Yukio Blaze on Mar 24, 2007 11:19:29 GMT -5

This one was a little bit better than the other one, but you came off as a major heel in this. "Face" people dont want to kill "heels". I mean you could have substituted kill with maybe making him tap or making him your bitch in the ring, per say.

You will improve because I can see it happening. Just for now, expand on something each time and you will get better.

Ramos Main Eventer Joined on: Sept 19, 2007 13:58:31 GMT -5 Posts: 2,264	Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 24, 2007 11:20:54 GMT -5 Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Ramos on Mar 24, 2007 11:20:54 GMT -5 The I will kill you bit was trying to make my guy go heel. I really feel more comfortable RP'ing as a heel as you can do and say what you want.

hardyz
Guest

Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 24, 2007 11:30:14 GMT -5

Post by hardyz on Mar 24, 2007 11:30:14 GMT -5

Of course you would like to have Rev mentor you. Who wouldn't?

The RP was good. Not great. But good. Pretty discriptive if I do say so myself. I think it will be cool having you around again. But this time do not drop off the face of the earth. Capice?

The RP. Short. Very short. But I have seen shorter. I like the discription. You really have gotten better since your old CE gimmick. Good job. I think this bought you a one way ticket to a win.

hardyz
Guest

Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 24, 2007 11:32:20 GMT -5

Post by hardyz on Mar 24, 2007 11:32:20 GMT -5

roo said:

The I will kill you bit was trying to make my guy go heel. I really feel more comfortable RP'ing as a heel as you can do and say what you want.

Try being a tweener. They do good stuff and bad. Like Batista or Eugene from WWE. They are known to be good guys, but just the same, they are heels. Try writing like that.

Revvie®
Main Eventer

Somewhere between Reality, and the Absurd

Joined on: Jun 29, 2005 1:04:26 GMT -5
Posts: 4,327

Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 24, 2007 11:58:15 GMT -5

Post by Revvie® on Mar 24, 2007 11:58:15 GMT -5

When I was here originally no one paid attention to me. When I was originally here, no one paid attention to me.

That right there tells me your first mistake, you did not read over your rp. Whether your an expert or new to the game it always good to read over or have someone you know in efedding read over it for mistakes such as this. I know they are minor and some minor mistakes will always escape the eyes but in general this was more then just a spelling or grammatical error, this was repeating yourself and could have been avoided, so from here on out always read over it or have a fellow rper do so for you. This can also help you gain insight onto where you are laxing in your rps.

Ok the description was short and mediocre. you need to spice it up, add some depth to it. Now i dont mean bore us with tedious description but give more b/c it helps the reader invision what is truly going on.

For instance:

Yours:

We see Ruairidh Gauld sitting in a dark room with barely any lighting. He is breathing heavily and we see tears in his eyes

Mine:

We see Ruairidh Gauld perched silently upon a chair. The room is damp, water seeping out of every pore. Darkness envelopes the room and a small hanging light swings, creaking. Shadows are cast as it does so and Gauld jostles a bit before speaking aloud. His voice is course yet gentle but loud enough so you every word is clear and crisp for every ear.

So that wasnt the best exmple but im working on short time span and you get what im saying and that is the biggest factor.

Now onto your speech, this is normal for newbs so dont feel discouraged. I think most of us started out with the im going to beat you up sort of speech. But the biggest part of rping is creating a comparison, a metaphor of your surroundings to your opponent, this is the most commone way of doing things. Like lets say you pick a flower in an rp, you may playing a game of will you win or not ending on the answer yes ussually. Thats a really lame idea, actually i could prolly pull that off, ok w/e anyways point being you need to come up with some that can create a sort of fluid existence between speech and description.

And the last thing I am really going to talk about is setting. Come up with creative settings. I mean it can be out and about in the world or in your home or where ever, just dont restrict yourself to bland ones which in this rp it was a lil bland but even I have done it before in rping so dont worry it all comes with time.

For right now work on those things, and if your chosen then I will pm you and I will hellp you with it. If your not, I would suggest looking to help elsewhere if you need someone. Yukio can be descently helpful, Flaps would be your best bet, or many Zmaster if he has some time to help a new rper. But yea, descent rp and keep working at it. The biggest factor it what makes and breaks an rper is if they stay or not.

Revvie

Calvin
Main Eventer

visit my myspace and listen to my music

Joined on: Dec 18, 2001 15:13:21 GMT -5
Posts: 3,791

Redemption & Revenge: HS 22 RP Mar 27, 2007 0:38:57 GMT -5

Post by Calvin on Mar 27, 2007 0:38:57 GMT -5

there's just a couple things in this rp that I really don't like in general. One, the whole die Ronnie die thing. Thats just silly and not needed. All that tells me is your character is well....kinda pathetic so to speak. Who writes die (insert name) die on their chest? Obsessors?? Stalkers?? See where I'm going with this? just kinda creepy to me. Second thing, if you want to go heel, don't do it in a rp, do it inthe ring. rps are bascially outside the ring, they are basically how your character lives so to speak. So why would he go heel outside the ring?? Also, you can speak how oyu want as a face just as easy as a heel. You just gotta be creative. It's easier the longer you rp to know the different ways to speak as a face.

Now onto the stuff that really matters. Description is really basic. Try to go into depth and describe everything that you can that paints a picture in your mind. As Rev pointed out. Although Rev's style is probabaly different then yours as everyone's is different, you get the idea. Rev pretty much covered this.

Rev covered this too. He took all the fun.

As I said before, you can speak as a face and still say what you want. You just need experience tis all. Good luck.