Post by Prophet of Ash on Dec 16, 2011 14:27:54 GMT -5
I hate Christmas time. You can call me a scrooge all you want, but it‘s just not a fun time of year for me. I‘ve lived in the Midwest for a majority of my life, which sees December as a snowy, wet, cold, miserable time of year. No matter where you go, you see snow.. But not the crisp white snow you see in all the movies. You see the filthy, dirty, black snow everywhere. The completely undesirable, disgusting, worthless, dirty black snow. The snow you wish would just disappear into a gutter, but it remains piled up on sidewalks and in parking lots long after all the desirable snow is gone..
Christmas time is a miserable time of year for me for other reasons, though. My family has always been somewhat dysfunctional. Can you believe that? A family that spawned me, dysfunctional? Balderdash, but true. As I was growing up, every time we‘d have a family get together on my dad‘s side for Christmas, we‘d take joking wagers of who would ruin Christmas that year by being a selfish, self absorbed, bunghole or do something to someone that ruined the entire dinner. And without fail, every single year, someone acted like a less than human. It became something of a challenge to even get together with that family, because of the lack of real family values on that side.
There‘s also the materialistic side of Christmas that for many many years, I was never allowed to embrace. For years, it was a good Christmas at the Schneider house if the heat was on and the electric bill was paid. It was a good Christmas if there was food on the table. And I‘m not just talking about growing up, either. I‘m talking about for my kids, too. Specifically Samantha. As a starving young wrestler trying to support a family, there were many instances where there wasn‘t money to go to Toys R Us and fill up a shopping cart with the latest light up flashing whatcha-ma-call-it or do-dad. There wasn‘t money to go to the dollar store and buy toys. Toys weren‘t something that was even considered, unfortunately.
I feel very sorry for Samantha now because I feel like she‘s lived the same miserable childhood that I lived. I know what it‘s like to be an under privileged kid from the trashy part of Chicago. I know what it‘s like to have to get your school clothes from the Salvation Army and Goodwill, because your parents just can‘t stretch the dollars any tighter. It hurt me inside like people would never believe to have to put my first born daughter through the same things I went through growing up. It’s what’s given me the desire to improve myself. It’s what’s given me the push to continue. It’s what’s given me the fire to take the dangerous matches I’ve competed in and made my name in, because danger matches pay better. And thus is where our story brings us this week.
12/25/04
Wow Playstation 2! Playstation 2! You see Mommy, Mommy, you see? Daddy got Playstation 2 for me!!
The washed out video definitely leaves a lot to be desired in the era of blu ray and stretched across my big HDTV, this SVHS recording definitely doesn’t look like cutting line film footage. The date is etched into the bottom corner in an yellowed white font. 12/25/04. The Christmas lights in the background blink and sputter, almost obnoxiously and definitely not something that the minor camcorder is able to accurately record. My hand is far from steady as well, the camera occasionally shaking. Technological flaws aside, this is video that can’t be replaced or replicated, though. Samantha was the golden age of eight. And for the first time in her life, I had a really steady paycheck that could afford to pay for more than rent and electricity. I could AFFORD the cutting edge video games, I could afford a camcorder, albeit an outdated model. I could afford to buy her the nice new clothes and shiny new bicycle that she had never previously had. My life was finally looking up. As part of Los Hobos in the WFWF, a steady paycheck was finally coming in. Life is looking up. Just over a week away, a title shot is coming. My first.. And as history shows, that title match went well. A month plus long reign.
And Fairly Odd Parents!!! I love you daddy!!
That’s something I miss hearing. “I love you, daddy”. Even 2004 Samantha saying it feels better than no Samantha saying it at all. Samantha sits in the mountain of torn paper, discarded ribbons, and other holiday paraphernalia, staring at her new video game system with glee. Behind her is about every other toy that was in the Toys R Us Big Book that year and her mother, an exhausted smile on her face. The joy of Samantha this morning is enough to offset the fact that Ashley and I were up most of the night preparing this bounty of gifts. The fact that a minor few hours after we had laid down, Samantha rushed into the room screaming “IT’S CHRISTMAS, IT’S CHRISTMAS, WE’VE GOT TO GET UP IT’S CHRISTMAS!”. Ashley sat in her worn down recliner sipping her coffee, just observing Samantha in her holiday joy.
Smile for the camera sexy.
The sleepless Ashley smiles a half hearted smile and continues to watch Samantha. Samantha is trying valiantly to get her Playstation box open.
Don’t open that yet, honey. I’ll get it hooked up in your room later on. Play with something else right now.
Playstation 2! I’m so surprised!
And with that, Samantha grabs a Beanie Baby, two Barbie dolls, and a Kids Bop CD and heads on her way. She carries her loot off to an unknown location, only returning for her new wagon, which she loads up with as much loot as she can like a pioneer heading for the west, before departing again. The camera approaches Ashley. That means I’m walking towards her, if you’re not following. The camera is shaky. But then it sits down. At eye level with Ashley. I’ve apparently sat down near her.
I love you baby..
I love you too.
I think this is a Christmas that Samantha will never forget. I hope she stays with this innocent joy forever. I hope we can have many Christmases like this, where she’s happy, we’re happy.. Just joy..
You’re rambling.
I’m very tired.. Is there any more coffee in there?
Few cups.. If not, there’s some of that instant crap in the cupboard.
The camera stays where it is, though my footsteps can be heard leaving. Young Samantha returns to the room, grabbing a few more toys and starting out of the room. She’s stopped by her mother. Ashley takes something out of Samantha’s hands.
This needs batteries, sweetheart. Daddy forgot to buy them. He’ll get some tomorrow.
I know Mom! I was just going to take it to my room for safe keeping!
Just leave it out here honey, so we can put the batteries in it. Did you have a good Christmas?
I’m so surprised! I don’t think I’ve ever got this many toys! I got toys that weren’t even on my list! I didn’t expect a Playstation 2 at all!!
There’s two controllers in there too, so you and Daddy can play sometime.
Or I can invite Kendra over!
Samantha makes her way out of the room with her remaining toys. I must have passed her at some point, because I return to the room with a steaming cup of hot coffee in hand. I take a seat on the floor Indian style. The look on my face says that I haven’t slept in weeks. I kind of sniffle a little bit.[/b]
You still have that sinus thing going on?
It’s this weather. It just tears my nose up. I have no immunity to colds in the winter.
I take a drink from my coffee. It‘s really weird to be watching myself on video. It shouldn‘t, because I‘ve spent a majority of my adult life being filmed, but I never just sit and watch myself and when I am watching myself on video, I‘m not sitting in my pajamas and having a casual conversation with my ex wife. It‘s very unusual to watch myself talk to Ashley in the way I do here, when I am still very much in love with her. When we are a happy family. It‘s a time I really don‘t remember a whole lot. I guess the future jades the past. The clouded memoirs, as the expression says.
There‘s more stuff under the tree, babe.
I seen those. I didn’t figure Samantha really cared to see us open presents from each other though. Christmas is more about the kids, anyways.
Grab that square one. With the Santa paper.
And the corners sticking up, and loose tape..
Samantha helped me wrap it.
Sure.. Blame it on Samantha..
I’m saying Samantha helped me wrap it, because if she didn’t, there’d probably be more unusual corners, more tape sticking up, and it probably wouldn’t be a square. I’m not a gift wrapper. But it’s what’s inside that counts, right? Open it.
Ashley rolls her eyes at me. She accepts me as a very poor gift wrapper and is willing to move along. The paper peels away easily and in one lump. Inside is a small white box. Ashley pulls the lid off of it. Her eyes light up and her mouth goes agape as she sees the contents of this small parcel.
These aren’t real..
They’re real. Black and white twisted diamonds with 24 karat black and white gold. Hold it up for the camera so I can film it while it looks all pretty.
She holds it up. It‘s a brilliant pendant, a cross, made up of black and white jewelry that shimmers in the light. Each Christmas light that shines in the background shimmers off the reflective metal on the pendant.[/b]
You spent too much. You have to take it back.
You don’t know how much I spent, and that’s really no concern of your’s. I wanted to buy you something nice for Christmas, something that you could wear out nice places. I’m making enough money right now that I can afford to buy you this sort of thing.
No you aren’t Phil. I know how much money you’re making and I know how much money we spent on Samantha.. You can’t afford to buy this..
Hey Ashley, ever hear the expression “red equals green”? Every time we bleed, we get a bonus. It’s supposed to be to pay for medical care or whatever, but I’ve never had a cut that a couple of band aids and some tape couldn’t fix. Every time I get those bonuses, I’ve been stashing them back. It pays for pizza on the road when there’s nothing else open, and it pays for secret gifts for my wifey that I don’t want to appear on the bank account statement.
You’re awful.
I love you. I want to be with you forever Ashley.
I love you too Phil.
Samantha comes running back into the room. Her arms are now empty, her bounty of toys unloaded and she‘s returned for the remains of her loot, primarily the small stuff that was stuffed in her stocking. Silly putty, Play dough, Polly Pocket paraphernalia, and candy.
Daddy, I love you SO much! This was the best Christmas EVER!
My young daughter wraps her tiny arms around my waist and gives me a big squeeze. The look on my face turns to one of pain, presumably not directly from the squeezing youngest, but a wrestling related injury set off by the child. She releases and I kayfabe my pain to her, as she hugs her mother in the same way. Ashley has an uncomfortable look on her face, but clearly not the pain I went through from the same vice like bear hug grip. As young Samantha is hugging her mother, the screen turns blue. Nothing but blue. Except the top left corner, where it says “stop” in white letters. I press rewind. These memories are apparently over.
8/13/11
My Grandfather is interesting. Most people’s grandparents have interesting stories to tell, if they are still alive.. But my Grandfather is interesting. He’s 74 years old. He has arthritis in both knees and can barely walk. When he was in his 50s, he completely smashed one of his hands in a compress, and now in his age, he can’t do anything with those fingers at all. But yet, he still works an eight to ten hour day. He’s retired three different times in my lifetime and my dad tells me that he retired once before that.. But he can’t stay retired. He gets bored. He needs to keep himself busy.
I think a lot of him rubbed off on me. My Grandfather is the grandfather of eight other grandkids, and five kids of his own who gave him these eight grand kids.. But somehow, I’ve always been the closest to them of the entire family. My Grandmother too. None of the other grandkids ever went and visited my grandparents other than at holidays, or if they wanted something.. I spent a lot of time at their house, just visiting, learning the stories they have to tell, soaking in the life lessons they have to share. My Grandfather was a farmer all the way back to his childhood. He had to be. When he was seven, he became the man of his house, because his dad went off to war and never returned. So he ran his family’s farm, as best as a kid his age could.. He grew up fast. He married my Grandma when he was just sixteen. And they’ve been married for almost sixty years at this point.
My Grandma grew up too fast too. She got married when she was just fourteen, and had her first child almost exactly nine months later. If this was her biography, she’d be talking about how she was a lifelong mother and house keeper, but she had many other odd jobs over the years. She cleaned houses for a while. She was a housekeeper for the governor for a while, when my dad was a teenager. She worked at a bowling alley. She was a seamstress. Mostly she just helped my grandfather run the family farm. But the job she had the longest, and the one I remember her best with, was working at a nursing home. It’s kind of ironic that she worked there for so long, and now, in the exact same nursing home she worked.. She now lives. Following several strokes, she’s crippled on her entire left side. And she’s really got a “f*ck it all” attitude, and would rather just lay in bed and watch TV for the rest of her life, than to actually try to recuperated.
All these thoughts flow through my head as I sit here, waiting for my 74 year old grandfather to get off work. He doesn’t need to work. He’s got more than enough money stashed back from working all of his life, from assets that he and my grandmother inherited, from his own two different retirement funds, and otherwise.. He lives a simple life. He lives in a double wide mobile home, not because he can’t afford better, but because he doesn’t need more. It’s just him and his two Chihuahuas, what does he need a lot of space for? Besides, he’s rarely even here, what with working the aforementioned ten hour days. I can’t imagine having the work ethic or determination he does. I can’t imagine what I would be able to accomplish if I did.
As my mind wanders, I hear a tap at my window. My grandpa has pulled up silently and is knocking on my window. I open up the door and start out.[/b]
How long have you been here boy?
I dunno, about a half hour?
It’s freezing out here.. Let’s go inside..
My grandfather hobbles in front of me. A slow but steady limp. He’s getting where he needs to go. Me however.. I’m just limping. My hip and back are killing me after the ladder match and I’m bruised everywhere. My grandfather has made note of my injured condition and can’t help himself but to chuckle aloud.[/b]
You’re in worse shape than I am! What the hell is wrong with you?
My knee’s hurt. My back’s hurt.. My hip hurts.. I’m bruised and pretty cut up..
He‘s at the top of the stairs. I‘m still near the bottom. I‘m carrying along my Halliburton briefcase, which is making balancing myself on the rail climbing the steps a little bit harder. I feel like I’m the old man here.[/b]
You walk like you’re half crippled!
I had a big Sunday..
He unlocks the door, then holds it open for me. I get to the top of the stairs and slowly enter into his home. I thought at first he was holding the door open just to be polite, but I‘m realizing he‘s holding it open because I‘m in considerably worse shape than he is, which begs the question if my choice of profession was a poor one. We walk inside. He sets down his work stuff and removes his jacket. I set my briefcase down and have a seat in a recliner.
You want something to drink? Root beer, diet coke, tea..
I’m okay. I’ve got some gatoraid out in the car.
He comes into the living room with a honey bun in one hand and a can of diet coke in the other. He has a seat in his recliner, setting his refreshments down on the table. His two small dogs have heard us enter and rise from their slumber, greeting their caretaker. For such a man, he has two really weiny dogs. A long haired Chihuahua and a short haired one. He sends the dogs on their way and slowly works his boots off his feet. With this task done, he flips the TV on.[/b]
So you wanted to talk about something?
Yeah, just some advise. You know I can’t really go to dad for this type of advise, so I’ve got to go up the food chain.
Understood.. What do you need?
It’s about Samantha.
Oh?
She’s kind of out of control, and I don’t know how to handle it. On Saturday, she got caught shoplifting from Walmart.
Did you bust her ass?
I was going to, but I had a bit more pressing matter at my forefront.
That’s the problem with you kids. There’s always something more important. You know Nicole’s oldest two are in all sorts of trouble too. They got arrested on Friday night because they broke into someone’s trailer and dumped paint all over his floor. They got released, but they’re on probation.
That’s terrible…
And Erin’s oldest one is just out of control. He runs around hitting people and cussing like a sailor. When I was raising my kids, if they acted like that, they just got their asses busted.
He takes a big bite of his honey bun, then a drink of his diet coke. I feel as though this may have been a journey for naught.
What’s in the briefcase, boy?
Well.. Nothing..
So why are you clutching it so closely? Why are you carrying around such an expensive briefcase when it’s got nothing in it?
Because I bought this briefcase, with the intention to put the WFWF National title in it. When you’re a champion, you carry the belt. those belts are really expensive and you don’t want them to get stolen or messed up, because you’ve got to pay a damage deposit on them, so most guys get a Halliburton for their belts. I was so sure that I was going to bring home the championship at Superbrawl that I went ahead and bought my Halliburton.
So now you’re just carrying around an empty briefcase?
Well, it’s not going to be empty for long. Don’t you watch our show?
No.
Well, did you catch my appearance on Howard Stern last week?
I don’t listen to Howard Stern. I think he’s crude for no reason.
He flew me and my student to New York City and paid us nicely to appear on his radio show for just a few minutes, so I can’t say I have anything bad to say about him. I revealed my future plans on his show. I’m going after the World Heavyweight title. Now, I was planning on going after my one friend that’s still wrestling, EBR, because he was surely going to beat that punk ass Alex Sean’s ass, and he did.
My grandpa responds, with heavy sarcasm.
Of course..
But King Kraig stepped down.. And he really f*cked EBR on his way out. So Michael Kyzer ended up the champion. So now I‘ve got my sights set on Kyzer.
Why are you telling me all of this? I don’t know who any of these people are.
Well, this is what I need advice about, about Samantha..
You lost me, boy.
I‘m financially stable. I‘ve got enough money in the bank that as long as I don‘t develop an interest in prostitutes, drugs, or tiger‘s blood, I‘m financially set for life. I‘d like to have a bigger house, but I feel I‘m kind of like you. I don‘t need a huge place, when it‘s just me. My penthouse suite is more than enough for me..
For you and your girls?
Well, Hailey lives with my mom.. I could easily move her in, if I was around more. And Ashley has custody over Sam. Sam only comes to my place one weekend a month. And the last 3, I‘ve been on the road, so I just catch her during the week..
So what are you wanting to know? If you should get a bigger place?
If I should call it quits with this wrestling sh*t.
My Grandpa takes a big gulp of his diet soda. Then a bite from his honey bun. He‘s staring me down. I can tell he‘s really absorbing what I just said. He takes another drink of soda.
Have you really thought about this, boy?
When I started wrestling again, I wasn‘t planning to wrestle long term again. I was mostly coming to beat the piss out of Trace Demon and to get a National title. I‘ve humiliated Trace Demon every time I‘ve seen him and pimp slapped him so many times that if I rob a bank, they‘ll be taking my finger prints from his face. I failed in my quest for the National title, and I sincerely doubt I‘ll get another opportunity at that.. But since I‘ve been back.. Another goal has presented itself. There‘s three guys I want to beat. My two former tag team partners, who have both left the sport now, Pierce Deville and EBR.. And the man I couldn‘t beat in 2007.. Michael Kyzer.
My Grandpa gives me a nod, as if he now understands what I‘m saying and is absorbing everything
If I can beat Michael Kyzer, especially to win the World title again.. There won‘t be much left for me. There won‘t be anything left for me, unless EBR comes out of retirement or The Deville gets out of prison. So I‘m considering making this my farewell tour. So I can be the stay at home dad I never have been. So I can be the father that my father never was.
And the father I never was to him. You know Phil, my father would have never considered what you are. My father was a vile, hate filled drunk and if we kids got out of line, he’d have punched us in the mouth. What you’re considering is noble.
So you think I should do it? One shot, one last hurrah?
I can’t tell you that. That’s a decision that only you can make.
My phone begins to ring. It‘s Rihanna from “Run This Town“. Who‘d I assign this ringer to? My phone tells me, quickly.. Weinstein. I kind of nod to my Grandpa and he gets the idea that this is a call I need to take.
Hello?
Schneider. It’s Weinstein. You got a moment?
Sure.
I’ve got a few things for you. The matter with Percy first and foremost. It’s taken care of. You guys just need to do an interview directly with TMZ and Percy needs to apologize.
Not my favorite solution, but I guess it fixes things.. If I do the interview, they drop all charges? And don’t publish any more of the pictures from that night?
That’s the blunt of the matter that I gathered, yes. Now about Kylie..
Don’t worry about that one. I haven’t talked to her since Superbrawl, nor seen her. I think she’s disappeared into the night.
Well that’s good. Because I was just going to say deny any and all involvement with the bank robbery, because I couldn’t find any information that connected her to it anyways. So you’ve basically broken off with her?
More or less, I suppose.
And Samantha.. I’ve looked into trying to get you full custody over her. Made some calls to some people, I don’t think it’s good for your reputation for her to be living with Ashley. That doesn’t seem like the best home for a girl in her situation. Nor good for your publicity that she’s basically running wild.
The thing is, I can’t take care of her. I’m on the road 2-3 days a week, at the least..
Then those can be Ashley’s days of visitation.
We’ll talk about this more at length later. I thank you for handling this.
That’s what you hired me for. Stay in touch.
Later.
I hang up the phone. While I was having my conversation, my grandfather finished his afternoon snack.
So you’re going to try to get custody of Ashley?
I guess so.
Was that your attorney?
My publicist and agent.
Since when do you need a publicist?
It was a wild weekend last weekend…
12/28/11
I feel like I’ve watched Samantha grow up from practically nothing, so it sucks when I miss important times in her life, like Christmas. But the spirit of Christmas isn’t about being around people you like, it’s about being around family. And that’s where I was over Christmas, with my family for a completely unnoteworthy Christmas dinner where I was the star of the show because I punched out a TMZ reporter and broke my hand. I guess it goes to show that my family doesn’t have a whole lot going on when a month old media debacle is the nonstop talk of Christmas.
But through the magic of modern video, I feel like I didn’t miss a moment of Christmas. I left my gifts for Samantha under Phil’s Christmas tree. Even a gift or two for Hailey. It’s hard to shop for a baby, but teenagers are easy. Especially teenager girls who are in need of new cell phone stuff. Not that I’m saying I hang around with a lot of teenage girls, I’m just… ah, never mind.
Through the magic of a brand new camcorder, Phil recorded the entire Christmas festivities around the Schneider household this year. If you can really call it Christmas festivities. Hailey stumbled back and forth from the kitchen table, stealing small pieces of appetizer cheese like a diaper clad rat. Samantha mostly just sits in a corner and sulks as she plays on her phone. Phil is behind the camera for the most part, trying his best to cheer up the room. The only time he appears on camera is when his mom takes the camera briefly so Phil can either go to the bathroom, or when he hands out the Christmas gifts.
I suppose the calamity of my family’s Christmas IS exciting compared to this. This is mostly just people sitting around a tree with nothing to say to one another. All the stories they have to tell have already been told. All the jokes they know, they know the punch lines. And the light of the party is more interested in eating cheese than she is to socialize with anyone in the room, mostly because the people in the room are people she sees very regularly anyways, and they aren’t amused with her at this point now anyways. I kind of feel like this is a waste of tapes, because absolutely nothing is happening at this Christmas “party”, but it’s Phil’s money to spend and if he wants to spend the money on tapes to archive a Christmas party of little happenstance, so be it.
Phil hands the camera back to his mom, so he can sit on the floor to hand out the presents that are under the tree. There’s not a huge haul, but with the under crowded room of just four, you wouldn’t expect there to be. Despite the under attendance, there is more than enough for the two kids here. Phil seems falsely enthusiastic as he begins to play Santa.
Let’s see what we’ve got under the tree.. We’ve got one for Samantha.. And look Hailey.. This one has your name on it!
Samantha is handed a very small package, a small square. It looks like either a game or a movie. It’s that type of shape. Hailey’s is a larger package. Kind of a strange shape. Hailey’s eyes light up as she starts to maul at the package, mostly unsuccessful to rip the paper. Phil helps her a little bit. Samantha has no trouble opening her package, just slitting the end with her fingernail and pulling out the contents. She got the new Harry Potter blu ray. She seems unreactive. She simply turns the movie over and starts reading the back. Hailey, however, is having a blast as she rips very small pieces of paper off of the box, over and over, laughing all the way. As Hailey still amuses herself with the first package, Phil grabs another package from under the tree and hands it to Samantha. He doesn’t even say a word to her. She sets the blu ray down and takes the new package. Samantha rips the paper open and quickly pulls out the contents, a blue hooded sweatshirt. It’s got some sort of logo on the front of it, but Phil’s mom doesn’t keep the camera focused on Samantha long enough to see it, and Samantha quickly puts the shirt behind her. Hailey has finally got her package open enough that Phil can pull the contents out for her, electronic stacking rings. Phil pushes a button on the side which causes lights to light up and music to start playing, which amuses Hailey so much she claps her hands.
Hailey likes her’s. do you like the sweatshirt Sam? Is it the right size?
Yeah, it’s fine.
Here, this one’s from Percy.
The only kind of gift better than a gift for Percy, a gift from Percy! Samantha takes my gift and starts to open it. Phil hands Hailey her package from me.[/b]
And here Hay-Hay, this one’s for you from Uncle Percy!
Samantha’s got my package opened up. She seems happy. A new iPhone. A teenage girl can’t go from having a state of the art phone to using a Walmart GoPhone because her dad smashed her’s. Samantha works the phone out of the box.[/b]
Percy says it’s all activated and ready to go out of the box. Should have all the contacts you had in your phone from the last time he got you a new phone, too. You’ll have to add the ones you’ve added or changed since then.
Cool.
Phil, I think this tape is almost out of film.
What’s the number in the corner? What of sixty minutes?
Fifty nine and..
And we fade to black..
Hey Phil, did you keep recording? Are there more tapes?
Phil comes into the room where I’ve been watching this. He pulls out a small cardboard box that has five or six mini DVD tapes in it. He really should invest in a camcorder that has a hard drive in it, but that’s not my concern right now. I just want to go back to watching the kids open their gifts. I grab a tape and pop it in. Loading… Loading.. Loading.. Discless media sure has it’s benefits.. And there’s a picture!
Seriously Phil, turn the camera off..
This isn‘t Christmas. It‘s Kylie. I miss being around her, honestly. She was really pretty. And she seemed to always put Phil in a good mood, as good of a mood as Phil can be in. I remember this day.. It‘s when he was teaching Kylie to expect to be around a camera all the time. That‘s kind of ironic..
This is your lesson for the day. You need to learn comfort in front of a camera. To know that there’s eyes watching you. That what is happening is being recorded to film.
It’s really irritating. You aren’t even talking today. You’re just pointing the camera at me. That blinking red light is enough to drive a person insane alone.
I’ve seen enough. This clearly is not the Christmas video part two.. Pop that disc out, try another.. If Phil would just label these damn tapes, there wouldn’t be a guessing game here.. And the second tape starts… And it’s not Christmas. It’s Dave the one armed Hobo. Sigh.
You Dave?
The legendary Dave. Because Phil isn‘t good on subtlety, to send a message to Hutton Brown about potentially being crippled and losing an arm, he has to film a guy with one arm.. What an afternoon THAT was..
Yes sir. You the guy that emailed me?
I am.
Because I’ve got to get this out of the way immediately, because it’ll drive me crazy otherwise.. If you’re homeless, how are you responding to Craig’s List ads?
Internet café. You can friend me on Facebook, homelessdave2, and follow me on Twitter, @homelessdave.
And now that I’ve seen Dave plugging his social media outlets, I pop out the tape.. Phil says there’s two more tapes of Christmas and there’s only three tapes left. Process of elimination means my luck is good that one of these is going to be the second or third part of the Schneider Family Christmas Celebration Extravaganza. I pop in the closest one to me. Loading.. Loading.. Loading.. And we’ve got a picture. And it’s not Christmas.. But I’m interested none the less. Know how I said I thought Kylie was cute? She‘s even cuter when she‘s completely naked. Nothing but what she was born with, and a little bit of pubic hair. I have no idea how this tape came about, but I think I want to make a copy of it for myself before I leave.[/b]
All those promos on camera.. It got me comfortable around the camera. Am I acting naturally around the camera now?
Yes.
Do you think I’m good around the camera now?
She rolls over on her back, swings her legs up in the air, and spreads her legs, giving the camera a nice view of her mommy daddy button.
This was a great idea.
Yes it was..
That‘s real life me agreeing with video taped Phil, in case you can‘t follow. Video taping naked Kylie is a GREAT idea. Thank God for digital video! Unfortunately, my joy and reaction has brought the attention of Phil back into the room. He turns the corner. I try to stop the video, but it freezes. A freeze frame screen shot of Kylie in all her naked glory.[/b]
Did you find the second Christmas tape? DUDE, WHAT THE F*CK!? Take that out!
I wasn’t trying to watch it man, I swear. I was trying to find the second Christmas tape, but none of the tapes are labeled. I seen Dave the Homeless guy too. But this is more pleasant..
This isn’t for your eyes. Take it out now.
What do you think I’ve been trying to do since you came into the room?
Why weren’t you trying to do it the second that you seen it wasn’t the Christmas video? Obviously Kylie naked has nothing to do with my kids opening Christmas presents..
Something nice was being opened..
Dude, relax.. It’s no big deal..[/color]
It IS a big deal.. This isn’t something for you to be watching.. Why haven’t you taken it out??
The DVD player is locked up man. It won’t open.
Percy, I think you should just go..
Go?
Go home, go eat.. Go somewhere else than here..
Why?
Because I don’t appreciate you watching my ex girlfriend and I’s private porno tape? Is that a good enough reason for you?
I think you’re overreacting, man. I was just looking for the other Christmas tape. If you’d label these tapes properly, there wouldn’t be a problem. Christmas 1, Christmas 2, Dave the Homeless Guy, Kylie’s snatch..
Percy, this isn’t a question or a suggestion now. You need to leave. Now. Before I do something I’m going to regret.. I like you.. But at the moment, I really don’t.. Leave..
I grab my stuff and start towards the door. I look back at Phil, who is staring at the giant near lifesize naked Kylie still image. I feel the need to say something, but I’m not sure what.
You know, you really should hide that or something, so Samantha doesn’t see it…
Yeah, that probably wasn’t the right thing to say..
Superbrawl was a night where a lot of things in WFWF changed. Some of them seemed relevant at the time, like Shawn Malaki winning the International title and then immediately announcing his departure from the federation, but were later out done by something similar and much more important, like King Kraig announcing HIS departure from the federation and effectively screwing his number one friend and the top star of the federation in the process, EBR. And as it seems today, that was also the exit of my last remaining active wrestling friend in the company.
In a similar twist of fate, David Brennan suffered his first loss in the WFWF at Superbrawl, to Drakz. But at the end of the night, the world wasn’t talking about David Brennan.. They were talking about how Hutton Brown did the impossible, and somehow stopped the nearly one year undefeated streak of your’s truly, Phillip Schneider. The reason they were talking primarily about this and not about Mr. Brennan is because I am more important than David Brennan. I am a more significant star than David Brennan, and it was more of a shock that I lost.
See, losing isn’t something I do often. It took Hutton Brown and one hell of a war to beat me and at the end of the day, he didn’t pin my shoulders to the mat nor make me submit, but simply knock me off of a ladder and pull a championship belt down. So unlike David Brennan, I still have not been pinned or forced to submit in now over a year. Frankly three years, but anyone can have an undefeated span if there’s no competition within that span, so we’ll just look at my last year inside of the squared circle.
David Brennan, you’re an impressive individual. I’d be foolish if I said I wasn’t concerned with what you’re going to bring to the table and I’d be lying if I said this is going to be a cake walk. But the fact is, you’re just like every single other person who’s stepped into the ring with me, Hutton included. You look at one dynamic of me and you say “I’ve got this”. You think you’ve got the answers to the questions, but you don’t even know the questions. You’re spouting off an answer before the question is even fully read, failing to realize there’s a second part to the question that is there solely to throw you off guard. A wise man who shall remain anonymous once said I am one of the most dynamic in ring performers in the WFWF today because people really don’t know what to expect when they step between the ropes with me. You come prepared for a brawl? I’ll take you to the mat and twist and turn and contort your limbs in ways you don’t understand. You come to bleed? I’ll jump off the top rope and take you to the outside with a hurricanrana, then I’ll dive over the top rope with a suicidio giro de buceo. You think we’re going to fly all over the place with a lucha libre style match? I’ll kick your legs from underneath you and ground and pound you and brother, if you think we’re going to stand and strike, I’ll stab you in the chest with a fork and make you look like an alien with a head full of skewers.
This brings me to my motivation for this match. When someone can hate you without ever meeting you, when they hate you simply for who you are. Not who you are as a person, but the genetics that make you up as a person. You see, I hate Trace Demon. I don’t hate Trace Demon because he has faggy red highlights. I don’t hate Trace Demon because he’s a homosexual. I don’t hate Trace Demon because he adds U’s to words where U’s don’t belong. I hate Trace Demon because he is an obnoxious piece of crap that doesn’t know when to just leave people the f*ck alone, because they are going to hurt him. I hate Trace Demon because he’s got a mouth that runs off like an ass that’s been pumped full of laxatives and he’s got absolutely no control over the waves of excrement that flow from that mouth of his. I hate Trace Demon because he absolutely sucks. These are genuine reasons to hate a person. A person’s religion is not.
David Brennan, for you to hate someone simply because of their religion or their skin color is perplexing, but it really just shows the type of sub-human you are. Human solely by species designation, because there’s no creature walking the earth that more accurately describes what you are. But you lack the most simple human features. You hate for no reason. You hate fellow humans completely unprovoked. And you cause violence against them. You think this makes you tough? Because you can say the N word and you can beat up a hundred pound black guy? What makes you tough is when someone hits you in the face with a ladder and chips two of your teeth and you don’t blink an eye, and you wrestle for twenty more minutes with blood flowing out of your mouth, and no one is none the wiser of the incident except your dentist. What makes you tough is having your flesh ripped by barbed wire, but continuing to fight through the pain and simply refusing to acknowledge the pain. And what makes you tough is wrestling for four months on a partially torn ACL, not because you want to prove to the world exactly how much of a man you are, but because you can’t afford to have anything done about it and you have to kayfabe the insurance provider into believing it isn’t a previous withstanding injury, but rather something that happened within the time when the new insurance plan happen.
David Brennan, I know things about being tough that you could only dream about, and if you did dream about, you’d wake up in a hot sweat with tears running down your pathetic, coward, hate filled face. I’ve seen things and I’ve experienced things that you just couldn’t handle. And you want to talk about hate? If the sky was blank paper and the ocean was ink, I still wouldn’t have the space to write the memoirs of the people I hate and for what reasons, and why they hate me. You want to add your name to the list, because I’m Jewish? I’ll add you under Trace Demon, as the completely insignificant stains on the underpants of life that I’ve smashed and humiliated on a national stage. Try me, skinhead. Let’s play. Want to play my game? I like to play my game. People get hurt when we play my game and it’s rarely me coming up on the greater end of the injury report.
Christmas time is a miserable time of year for me for other reasons, though. My family has always been somewhat dysfunctional. Can you believe that? A family that spawned me, dysfunctional? Balderdash, but true. As I was growing up, every time we‘d have a family get together on my dad‘s side for Christmas, we‘d take joking wagers of who would ruin Christmas that year by being a selfish, self absorbed, bunghole or do something to someone that ruined the entire dinner. And without fail, every single year, someone acted like a less than human. It became something of a challenge to even get together with that family, because of the lack of real family values on that side.
There‘s also the materialistic side of Christmas that for many many years, I was never allowed to embrace. For years, it was a good Christmas at the Schneider house if the heat was on and the electric bill was paid. It was a good Christmas if there was food on the table. And I‘m not just talking about growing up, either. I‘m talking about for my kids, too. Specifically Samantha. As a starving young wrestler trying to support a family, there were many instances where there wasn‘t money to go to Toys R Us and fill up a shopping cart with the latest light up flashing whatcha-ma-call-it or do-dad. There wasn‘t money to go to the dollar store and buy toys. Toys weren‘t something that was even considered, unfortunately.
I feel very sorry for Samantha now because I feel like she‘s lived the same miserable childhood that I lived. I know what it‘s like to be an under privileged kid from the trashy part of Chicago. I know what it‘s like to have to get your school clothes from the Salvation Army and Goodwill, because your parents just can‘t stretch the dollars any tighter. It hurt me inside like people would never believe to have to put my first born daughter through the same things I went through growing up. It’s what’s given me the desire to improve myself. It’s what’s given me the push to continue. It’s what’s given me the fire to take the dangerous matches I’ve competed in and made my name in, because danger matches pay better. And thus is where our story brings us this week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12/25/04
Wow Playstation 2! Playstation 2! You see Mommy, Mommy, you see? Daddy got Playstation 2 for me!!
The washed out video definitely leaves a lot to be desired in the era of blu ray and stretched across my big HDTV, this SVHS recording definitely doesn’t look like cutting line film footage. The date is etched into the bottom corner in an yellowed white font. 12/25/04. The Christmas lights in the background blink and sputter, almost obnoxiously and definitely not something that the minor camcorder is able to accurately record. My hand is far from steady as well, the camera occasionally shaking. Technological flaws aside, this is video that can’t be replaced or replicated, though. Samantha was the golden age of eight. And for the first time in her life, I had a really steady paycheck that could afford to pay for more than rent and electricity. I could AFFORD the cutting edge video games, I could afford a camcorder, albeit an outdated model. I could afford to buy her the nice new clothes and shiny new bicycle that she had never previously had. My life was finally looking up. As part of Los Hobos in the WFWF, a steady paycheck was finally coming in. Life is looking up. Just over a week away, a title shot is coming. My first.. And as history shows, that title match went well. A month plus long reign.
And Fairly Odd Parents!!! I love you daddy!!
That’s something I miss hearing. “I love you, daddy”. Even 2004 Samantha saying it feels better than no Samantha saying it at all. Samantha sits in the mountain of torn paper, discarded ribbons, and other holiday paraphernalia, staring at her new video game system with glee. Behind her is about every other toy that was in the Toys R Us Big Book that year and her mother, an exhausted smile on her face. The joy of Samantha this morning is enough to offset the fact that Ashley and I were up most of the night preparing this bounty of gifts. The fact that a minor few hours after we had laid down, Samantha rushed into the room screaming “IT’S CHRISTMAS, IT’S CHRISTMAS, WE’VE GOT TO GET UP IT’S CHRISTMAS!”. Ashley sat in her worn down recliner sipping her coffee, just observing Samantha in her holiday joy.
Smile for the camera sexy.
The sleepless Ashley smiles a half hearted smile and continues to watch Samantha. Samantha is trying valiantly to get her Playstation box open.
Don’t open that yet, honey. I’ll get it hooked up in your room later on. Play with something else right now.
Playstation 2! I’m so surprised!
And with that, Samantha grabs a Beanie Baby, two Barbie dolls, and a Kids Bop CD and heads on her way. She carries her loot off to an unknown location, only returning for her new wagon, which she loads up with as much loot as she can like a pioneer heading for the west, before departing again. The camera approaches Ashley. That means I’m walking towards her, if you’re not following. The camera is shaky. But then it sits down. At eye level with Ashley. I’ve apparently sat down near her.
I love you baby..
I love you too.
I think this is a Christmas that Samantha will never forget. I hope she stays with this innocent joy forever. I hope we can have many Christmases like this, where she’s happy, we’re happy.. Just joy..
You’re rambling.
I’m very tired.. Is there any more coffee in there?
Few cups.. If not, there’s some of that instant crap in the cupboard.
The camera stays where it is, though my footsteps can be heard leaving. Young Samantha returns to the room, grabbing a few more toys and starting out of the room. She’s stopped by her mother. Ashley takes something out of Samantha’s hands.
This needs batteries, sweetheart. Daddy forgot to buy them. He’ll get some tomorrow.
I know Mom! I was just going to take it to my room for safe keeping!
Just leave it out here honey, so we can put the batteries in it. Did you have a good Christmas?
I’m so surprised! I don’t think I’ve ever got this many toys! I got toys that weren’t even on my list! I didn’t expect a Playstation 2 at all!!
There’s two controllers in there too, so you and Daddy can play sometime.
Or I can invite Kendra over!
Samantha makes her way out of the room with her remaining toys. I must have passed her at some point, because I return to the room with a steaming cup of hot coffee in hand. I take a seat on the floor Indian style. The look on my face says that I haven’t slept in weeks. I kind of sniffle a little bit.[/b]
You still have that sinus thing going on?
It’s this weather. It just tears my nose up. I have no immunity to colds in the winter.
I take a drink from my coffee. It‘s really weird to be watching myself on video. It shouldn‘t, because I‘ve spent a majority of my adult life being filmed, but I never just sit and watch myself and when I am watching myself on video, I‘m not sitting in my pajamas and having a casual conversation with my ex wife. It‘s very unusual to watch myself talk to Ashley in the way I do here, when I am still very much in love with her. When we are a happy family. It‘s a time I really don‘t remember a whole lot. I guess the future jades the past. The clouded memoirs, as the expression says.
There‘s more stuff under the tree, babe.
I seen those. I didn’t figure Samantha really cared to see us open presents from each other though. Christmas is more about the kids, anyways.
Grab that square one. With the Santa paper.
And the corners sticking up, and loose tape..
Samantha helped me wrap it.
Sure.. Blame it on Samantha..
I’m saying Samantha helped me wrap it, because if she didn’t, there’d probably be more unusual corners, more tape sticking up, and it probably wouldn’t be a square. I’m not a gift wrapper. But it’s what’s inside that counts, right? Open it.
Ashley rolls her eyes at me. She accepts me as a very poor gift wrapper and is willing to move along. The paper peels away easily and in one lump. Inside is a small white box. Ashley pulls the lid off of it. Her eyes light up and her mouth goes agape as she sees the contents of this small parcel.
These aren’t real..
They’re real. Black and white twisted diamonds with 24 karat black and white gold. Hold it up for the camera so I can film it while it looks all pretty.
She holds it up. It‘s a brilliant pendant, a cross, made up of black and white jewelry that shimmers in the light. Each Christmas light that shines in the background shimmers off the reflective metal on the pendant.[/b]
You spent too much. You have to take it back.
You don’t know how much I spent, and that’s really no concern of your’s. I wanted to buy you something nice for Christmas, something that you could wear out nice places. I’m making enough money right now that I can afford to buy you this sort of thing.
No you aren’t Phil. I know how much money you’re making and I know how much money we spent on Samantha.. You can’t afford to buy this..
Hey Ashley, ever hear the expression “red equals green”? Every time we bleed, we get a bonus. It’s supposed to be to pay for medical care or whatever, but I’ve never had a cut that a couple of band aids and some tape couldn’t fix. Every time I get those bonuses, I’ve been stashing them back. It pays for pizza on the road when there’s nothing else open, and it pays for secret gifts for my wifey that I don’t want to appear on the bank account statement.
You’re awful.
I love you. I want to be with you forever Ashley.
I love you too Phil.
Samantha comes running back into the room. Her arms are now empty, her bounty of toys unloaded and she‘s returned for the remains of her loot, primarily the small stuff that was stuffed in her stocking. Silly putty, Play dough, Polly Pocket paraphernalia, and candy.
Daddy, I love you SO much! This was the best Christmas EVER!
My young daughter wraps her tiny arms around my waist and gives me a big squeeze. The look on my face turns to one of pain, presumably not directly from the squeezing youngest, but a wrestling related injury set off by the child. She releases and I kayfabe my pain to her, as she hugs her mother in the same way. Ashley has an uncomfortable look on her face, but clearly not the pain I went through from the same vice like bear hug grip. As young Samantha is hugging her mother, the screen turns blue. Nothing but blue. Except the top left corner, where it says “stop” in white letters. I press rewind. These memories are apparently over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8/13/11
My Grandfather is interesting. Most people’s grandparents have interesting stories to tell, if they are still alive.. But my Grandfather is interesting. He’s 74 years old. He has arthritis in both knees and can barely walk. When he was in his 50s, he completely smashed one of his hands in a compress, and now in his age, he can’t do anything with those fingers at all. But yet, he still works an eight to ten hour day. He’s retired three different times in my lifetime and my dad tells me that he retired once before that.. But he can’t stay retired. He gets bored. He needs to keep himself busy.
I think a lot of him rubbed off on me. My Grandfather is the grandfather of eight other grandkids, and five kids of his own who gave him these eight grand kids.. But somehow, I’ve always been the closest to them of the entire family. My Grandmother too. None of the other grandkids ever went and visited my grandparents other than at holidays, or if they wanted something.. I spent a lot of time at their house, just visiting, learning the stories they have to tell, soaking in the life lessons they have to share. My Grandfather was a farmer all the way back to his childhood. He had to be. When he was seven, he became the man of his house, because his dad went off to war and never returned. So he ran his family’s farm, as best as a kid his age could.. He grew up fast. He married my Grandma when he was just sixteen. And they’ve been married for almost sixty years at this point.
My Grandma grew up too fast too. She got married when she was just fourteen, and had her first child almost exactly nine months later. If this was her biography, she’d be talking about how she was a lifelong mother and house keeper, but she had many other odd jobs over the years. She cleaned houses for a while. She was a housekeeper for the governor for a while, when my dad was a teenager. She worked at a bowling alley. She was a seamstress. Mostly she just helped my grandfather run the family farm. But the job she had the longest, and the one I remember her best with, was working at a nursing home. It’s kind of ironic that she worked there for so long, and now, in the exact same nursing home she worked.. She now lives. Following several strokes, she’s crippled on her entire left side. And she’s really got a “f*ck it all” attitude, and would rather just lay in bed and watch TV for the rest of her life, than to actually try to recuperated.
All these thoughts flow through my head as I sit here, waiting for my 74 year old grandfather to get off work. He doesn’t need to work. He’s got more than enough money stashed back from working all of his life, from assets that he and my grandmother inherited, from his own two different retirement funds, and otherwise.. He lives a simple life. He lives in a double wide mobile home, not because he can’t afford better, but because he doesn’t need more. It’s just him and his two Chihuahuas, what does he need a lot of space for? Besides, he’s rarely even here, what with working the aforementioned ten hour days. I can’t imagine having the work ethic or determination he does. I can’t imagine what I would be able to accomplish if I did.
As my mind wanders, I hear a tap at my window. My grandpa has pulled up silently and is knocking on my window. I open up the door and start out.[/b]
How long have you been here boy?
I dunno, about a half hour?
It’s freezing out here.. Let’s go inside..
My grandfather hobbles in front of me. A slow but steady limp. He’s getting where he needs to go. Me however.. I’m just limping. My hip and back are killing me after the ladder match and I’m bruised everywhere. My grandfather has made note of my injured condition and can’t help himself but to chuckle aloud.[/b]
You’re in worse shape than I am! What the hell is wrong with you?
My knee’s hurt. My back’s hurt.. My hip hurts.. I’m bruised and pretty cut up..
He‘s at the top of the stairs. I‘m still near the bottom. I‘m carrying along my Halliburton briefcase, which is making balancing myself on the rail climbing the steps a little bit harder. I feel like I’m the old man here.[/b]
You walk like you’re half crippled!
I had a big Sunday..
He unlocks the door, then holds it open for me. I get to the top of the stairs and slowly enter into his home. I thought at first he was holding the door open just to be polite, but I‘m realizing he‘s holding it open because I‘m in considerably worse shape than he is, which begs the question if my choice of profession was a poor one. We walk inside. He sets down his work stuff and removes his jacket. I set my briefcase down and have a seat in a recliner.
You want something to drink? Root beer, diet coke, tea..
I’m okay. I’ve got some gatoraid out in the car.
He comes into the living room with a honey bun in one hand and a can of diet coke in the other. He has a seat in his recliner, setting his refreshments down on the table. His two small dogs have heard us enter and rise from their slumber, greeting their caretaker. For such a man, he has two really weiny dogs. A long haired Chihuahua and a short haired one. He sends the dogs on their way and slowly works his boots off his feet. With this task done, he flips the TV on.[/b]
So you wanted to talk about something?
Yeah, just some advise. You know I can’t really go to dad for this type of advise, so I’ve got to go up the food chain.
Understood.. What do you need?
It’s about Samantha.
Oh?
She’s kind of out of control, and I don’t know how to handle it. On Saturday, she got caught shoplifting from Walmart.
Did you bust her ass?
I was going to, but I had a bit more pressing matter at my forefront.
That’s the problem with you kids. There’s always something more important. You know Nicole’s oldest two are in all sorts of trouble too. They got arrested on Friday night because they broke into someone’s trailer and dumped paint all over his floor. They got released, but they’re on probation.
That’s terrible…
And Erin’s oldest one is just out of control. He runs around hitting people and cussing like a sailor. When I was raising my kids, if they acted like that, they just got their asses busted.
He takes a big bite of his honey bun, then a drink of his diet coke. I feel as though this may have been a journey for naught.
What’s in the briefcase, boy?
Well.. Nothing..
So why are you clutching it so closely? Why are you carrying around such an expensive briefcase when it’s got nothing in it?
Because I bought this briefcase, with the intention to put the WFWF National title in it. When you’re a champion, you carry the belt. those belts are really expensive and you don’t want them to get stolen or messed up, because you’ve got to pay a damage deposit on them, so most guys get a Halliburton for their belts. I was so sure that I was going to bring home the championship at Superbrawl that I went ahead and bought my Halliburton.
So now you’re just carrying around an empty briefcase?
Well, it’s not going to be empty for long. Don’t you watch our show?
No.
Well, did you catch my appearance on Howard Stern last week?
I don’t listen to Howard Stern. I think he’s crude for no reason.
He flew me and my student to New York City and paid us nicely to appear on his radio show for just a few minutes, so I can’t say I have anything bad to say about him. I revealed my future plans on his show. I’m going after the World Heavyweight title. Now, I was planning on going after my one friend that’s still wrestling, EBR, because he was surely going to beat that punk ass Alex Sean’s ass, and he did.
My grandpa responds, with heavy sarcasm.
Of course..
But King Kraig stepped down.. And he really f*cked EBR on his way out. So Michael Kyzer ended up the champion. So now I‘ve got my sights set on Kyzer.
Why are you telling me all of this? I don’t know who any of these people are.
Well, this is what I need advice about, about Samantha..
You lost me, boy.
I‘m financially stable. I‘ve got enough money in the bank that as long as I don‘t develop an interest in prostitutes, drugs, or tiger‘s blood, I‘m financially set for life. I‘d like to have a bigger house, but I feel I‘m kind of like you. I don‘t need a huge place, when it‘s just me. My penthouse suite is more than enough for me..
For you and your girls?
Well, Hailey lives with my mom.. I could easily move her in, if I was around more. And Ashley has custody over Sam. Sam only comes to my place one weekend a month. And the last 3, I‘ve been on the road, so I just catch her during the week..
So what are you wanting to know? If you should get a bigger place?
If I should call it quits with this wrestling sh*t.
My Grandpa takes a big gulp of his diet soda. Then a bite from his honey bun. He‘s staring me down. I can tell he‘s really absorbing what I just said. He takes another drink of soda.
Have you really thought about this, boy?
When I started wrestling again, I wasn‘t planning to wrestle long term again. I was mostly coming to beat the piss out of Trace Demon and to get a National title. I‘ve humiliated Trace Demon every time I‘ve seen him and pimp slapped him so many times that if I rob a bank, they‘ll be taking my finger prints from his face. I failed in my quest for the National title, and I sincerely doubt I‘ll get another opportunity at that.. But since I‘ve been back.. Another goal has presented itself. There‘s three guys I want to beat. My two former tag team partners, who have both left the sport now, Pierce Deville and EBR.. And the man I couldn‘t beat in 2007.. Michael Kyzer.
My Grandpa gives me a nod, as if he now understands what I‘m saying and is absorbing everything
If I can beat Michael Kyzer, especially to win the World title again.. There won‘t be much left for me. There won‘t be anything left for me, unless EBR comes out of retirement or The Deville gets out of prison. So I‘m considering making this my farewell tour. So I can be the stay at home dad I never have been. So I can be the father that my father never was.
And the father I never was to him. You know Phil, my father would have never considered what you are. My father was a vile, hate filled drunk and if we kids got out of line, he’d have punched us in the mouth. What you’re considering is noble.
So you think I should do it? One shot, one last hurrah?
I can’t tell you that. That’s a decision that only you can make.
My phone begins to ring. It‘s Rihanna from “Run This Town“. Who‘d I assign this ringer to? My phone tells me, quickly.. Weinstein. I kind of nod to my Grandpa and he gets the idea that this is a call I need to take.
Hello?
Schneider. It’s Weinstein. You got a moment?
Sure.
I’ve got a few things for you. The matter with Percy first and foremost. It’s taken care of. You guys just need to do an interview directly with TMZ and Percy needs to apologize.
Not my favorite solution, but I guess it fixes things.. If I do the interview, they drop all charges? And don’t publish any more of the pictures from that night?
That’s the blunt of the matter that I gathered, yes. Now about Kylie..
Don’t worry about that one. I haven’t talked to her since Superbrawl, nor seen her. I think she’s disappeared into the night.
Well that’s good. Because I was just going to say deny any and all involvement with the bank robbery, because I couldn’t find any information that connected her to it anyways. So you’ve basically broken off with her?
More or less, I suppose.
And Samantha.. I’ve looked into trying to get you full custody over her. Made some calls to some people, I don’t think it’s good for your reputation for her to be living with Ashley. That doesn’t seem like the best home for a girl in her situation. Nor good for your publicity that she’s basically running wild.
The thing is, I can’t take care of her. I’m on the road 2-3 days a week, at the least..
Then those can be Ashley’s days of visitation.
We’ll talk about this more at length later. I thank you for handling this.
That’s what you hired me for. Stay in touch.
Later.
I hang up the phone. While I was having my conversation, my grandfather finished his afternoon snack.
So you’re going to try to get custody of Ashley?
I guess so.
Was that your attorney?
My publicist and agent.
Since when do you need a publicist?
It was a wild weekend last weekend…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12/28/11
I feel like I’ve watched Samantha grow up from practically nothing, so it sucks when I miss important times in her life, like Christmas. But the spirit of Christmas isn’t about being around people you like, it’s about being around family. And that’s where I was over Christmas, with my family for a completely unnoteworthy Christmas dinner where I was the star of the show because I punched out a TMZ reporter and broke my hand. I guess it goes to show that my family doesn’t have a whole lot going on when a month old media debacle is the nonstop talk of Christmas.
But through the magic of modern video, I feel like I didn’t miss a moment of Christmas. I left my gifts for Samantha under Phil’s Christmas tree. Even a gift or two for Hailey. It’s hard to shop for a baby, but teenagers are easy. Especially teenager girls who are in need of new cell phone stuff. Not that I’m saying I hang around with a lot of teenage girls, I’m just… ah, never mind.
Through the magic of a brand new camcorder, Phil recorded the entire Christmas festivities around the Schneider household this year. If you can really call it Christmas festivities. Hailey stumbled back and forth from the kitchen table, stealing small pieces of appetizer cheese like a diaper clad rat. Samantha mostly just sits in a corner and sulks as she plays on her phone. Phil is behind the camera for the most part, trying his best to cheer up the room. The only time he appears on camera is when his mom takes the camera briefly so Phil can either go to the bathroom, or when he hands out the Christmas gifts.
I suppose the calamity of my family’s Christmas IS exciting compared to this. This is mostly just people sitting around a tree with nothing to say to one another. All the stories they have to tell have already been told. All the jokes they know, they know the punch lines. And the light of the party is more interested in eating cheese than she is to socialize with anyone in the room, mostly because the people in the room are people she sees very regularly anyways, and they aren’t amused with her at this point now anyways. I kind of feel like this is a waste of tapes, because absolutely nothing is happening at this Christmas “party”, but it’s Phil’s money to spend and if he wants to spend the money on tapes to archive a Christmas party of little happenstance, so be it.
Phil hands the camera back to his mom, so he can sit on the floor to hand out the presents that are under the tree. There’s not a huge haul, but with the under crowded room of just four, you wouldn’t expect there to be. Despite the under attendance, there is more than enough for the two kids here. Phil seems falsely enthusiastic as he begins to play Santa.
Let’s see what we’ve got under the tree.. We’ve got one for Samantha.. And look Hailey.. This one has your name on it!
Samantha is handed a very small package, a small square. It looks like either a game or a movie. It’s that type of shape. Hailey’s is a larger package. Kind of a strange shape. Hailey’s eyes light up as she starts to maul at the package, mostly unsuccessful to rip the paper. Phil helps her a little bit. Samantha has no trouble opening her package, just slitting the end with her fingernail and pulling out the contents. She got the new Harry Potter blu ray. She seems unreactive. She simply turns the movie over and starts reading the back. Hailey, however, is having a blast as she rips very small pieces of paper off of the box, over and over, laughing all the way. As Hailey still amuses herself with the first package, Phil grabs another package from under the tree and hands it to Samantha. He doesn’t even say a word to her. She sets the blu ray down and takes the new package. Samantha rips the paper open and quickly pulls out the contents, a blue hooded sweatshirt. It’s got some sort of logo on the front of it, but Phil’s mom doesn’t keep the camera focused on Samantha long enough to see it, and Samantha quickly puts the shirt behind her. Hailey has finally got her package open enough that Phil can pull the contents out for her, electronic stacking rings. Phil pushes a button on the side which causes lights to light up and music to start playing, which amuses Hailey so much she claps her hands.
Hailey likes her’s. do you like the sweatshirt Sam? Is it the right size?
Yeah, it’s fine.
Here, this one’s from Percy.
The only kind of gift better than a gift for Percy, a gift from Percy! Samantha takes my gift and starts to open it. Phil hands Hailey her package from me.[/b]
And here Hay-Hay, this one’s for you from Uncle Percy!
Samantha’s got my package opened up. She seems happy. A new iPhone. A teenage girl can’t go from having a state of the art phone to using a Walmart GoPhone because her dad smashed her’s. Samantha works the phone out of the box.[/b]
Percy says it’s all activated and ready to go out of the box. Should have all the contacts you had in your phone from the last time he got you a new phone, too. You’ll have to add the ones you’ve added or changed since then.
Cool.
Phil, I think this tape is almost out of film.
What’s the number in the corner? What of sixty minutes?
Fifty nine and..
And we fade to black..
Hey Phil, did you keep recording? Are there more tapes?
Phil comes into the room where I’ve been watching this. He pulls out a small cardboard box that has five or six mini DVD tapes in it. He really should invest in a camcorder that has a hard drive in it, but that’s not my concern right now. I just want to go back to watching the kids open their gifts. I grab a tape and pop it in. Loading… Loading.. Loading.. Discless media sure has it’s benefits.. And there’s a picture!
Seriously Phil, turn the camera off..
This isn‘t Christmas. It‘s Kylie. I miss being around her, honestly. She was really pretty. And she seemed to always put Phil in a good mood, as good of a mood as Phil can be in. I remember this day.. It‘s when he was teaching Kylie to expect to be around a camera all the time. That‘s kind of ironic..
This is your lesson for the day. You need to learn comfort in front of a camera. To know that there’s eyes watching you. That what is happening is being recorded to film.
It’s really irritating. You aren’t even talking today. You’re just pointing the camera at me. That blinking red light is enough to drive a person insane alone.
I’ve seen enough. This clearly is not the Christmas video part two.. Pop that disc out, try another.. If Phil would just label these damn tapes, there wouldn’t be a guessing game here.. And the second tape starts… And it’s not Christmas. It’s Dave the one armed Hobo. Sigh.
You Dave?
The legendary Dave. Because Phil isn‘t good on subtlety, to send a message to Hutton Brown about potentially being crippled and losing an arm, he has to film a guy with one arm.. What an afternoon THAT was..
Yes sir. You the guy that emailed me?
I am.
Because I’ve got to get this out of the way immediately, because it’ll drive me crazy otherwise.. If you’re homeless, how are you responding to Craig’s List ads?
Internet café. You can friend me on Facebook, homelessdave2, and follow me on Twitter, @homelessdave.
And now that I’ve seen Dave plugging his social media outlets, I pop out the tape.. Phil says there’s two more tapes of Christmas and there’s only three tapes left. Process of elimination means my luck is good that one of these is going to be the second or third part of the Schneider Family Christmas Celebration Extravaganza. I pop in the closest one to me. Loading.. Loading.. Loading.. And we’ve got a picture. And it’s not Christmas.. But I’m interested none the less. Know how I said I thought Kylie was cute? She‘s even cuter when she‘s completely naked. Nothing but what she was born with, and a little bit of pubic hair. I have no idea how this tape came about, but I think I want to make a copy of it for myself before I leave.[/b]
All those promos on camera.. It got me comfortable around the camera. Am I acting naturally around the camera now?
Yes.
Do you think I’m good around the camera now?
She rolls over on her back, swings her legs up in the air, and spreads her legs, giving the camera a nice view of her mommy daddy button.
This was a great idea.
Yes it was..
That‘s real life me agreeing with video taped Phil, in case you can‘t follow. Video taping naked Kylie is a GREAT idea. Thank God for digital video! Unfortunately, my joy and reaction has brought the attention of Phil back into the room. He turns the corner. I try to stop the video, but it freezes. A freeze frame screen shot of Kylie in all her naked glory.[/b]
Did you find the second Christmas tape? DUDE, WHAT THE F*CK!? Take that out!
I wasn’t trying to watch it man, I swear. I was trying to find the second Christmas tape, but none of the tapes are labeled. I seen Dave the Homeless guy too. But this is more pleasant..
This isn’t for your eyes. Take it out now.
What do you think I’ve been trying to do since you came into the room?
Why weren’t you trying to do it the second that you seen it wasn’t the Christmas video? Obviously Kylie naked has nothing to do with my kids opening Christmas presents..
Something nice was being opened..
Dude, relax.. It’s no big deal..[/color]
It IS a big deal.. This isn’t something for you to be watching.. Why haven’t you taken it out??
The DVD player is locked up man. It won’t open.
Percy, I think you should just go..
Go?
Go home, go eat.. Go somewhere else than here..
Why?
Because I don’t appreciate you watching my ex girlfriend and I’s private porno tape? Is that a good enough reason for you?
I think you’re overreacting, man. I was just looking for the other Christmas tape. If you’d label these tapes properly, there wouldn’t be a problem. Christmas 1, Christmas 2, Dave the Homeless Guy, Kylie’s snatch..
Percy, this isn’t a question or a suggestion now. You need to leave. Now. Before I do something I’m going to regret.. I like you.. But at the moment, I really don’t.. Leave..
I grab my stuff and start towards the door. I look back at Phil, who is staring at the giant near lifesize naked Kylie still image. I feel the need to say something, but I’m not sure what.
You know, you really should hide that or something, so Samantha doesn’t see it…
Yeah, that probably wasn’t the right thing to say..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Superbrawl was a night where a lot of things in WFWF changed. Some of them seemed relevant at the time, like Shawn Malaki winning the International title and then immediately announcing his departure from the federation, but were later out done by something similar and much more important, like King Kraig announcing HIS departure from the federation and effectively screwing his number one friend and the top star of the federation in the process, EBR. And as it seems today, that was also the exit of my last remaining active wrestling friend in the company.
In a similar twist of fate, David Brennan suffered his first loss in the WFWF at Superbrawl, to Drakz. But at the end of the night, the world wasn’t talking about David Brennan.. They were talking about how Hutton Brown did the impossible, and somehow stopped the nearly one year undefeated streak of your’s truly, Phillip Schneider. The reason they were talking primarily about this and not about Mr. Brennan is because I am more important than David Brennan. I am a more significant star than David Brennan, and it was more of a shock that I lost.
See, losing isn’t something I do often. It took Hutton Brown and one hell of a war to beat me and at the end of the day, he didn’t pin my shoulders to the mat nor make me submit, but simply knock me off of a ladder and pull a championship belt down. So unlike David Brennan, I still have not been pinned or forced to submit in now over a year. Frankly three years, but anyone can have an undefeated span if there’s no competition within that span, so we’ll just look at my last year inside of the squared circle.
David Brennan, you’re an impressive individual. I’d be foolish if I said I wasn’t concerned with what you’re going to bring to the table and I’d be lying if I said this is going to be a cake walk. But the fact is, you’re just like every single other person who’s stepped into the ring with me, Hutton included. You look at one dynamic of me and you say “I’ve got this”. You think you’ve got the answers to the questions, but you don’t even know the questions. You’re spouting off an answer before the question is even fully read, failing to realize there’s a second part to the question that is there solely to throw you off guard. A wise man who shall remain anonymous once said I am one of the most dynamic in ring performers in the WFWF today because people really don’t know what to expect when they step between the ropes with me. You come prepared for a brawl? I’ll take you to the mat and twist and turn and contort your limbs in ways you don’t understand. You come to bleed? I’ll jump off the top rope and take you to the outside with a hurricanrana, then I’ll dive over the top rope with a suicidio giro de buceo. You think we’re going to fly all over the place with a lucha libre style match? I’ll kick your legs from underneath you and ground and pound you and brother, if you think we’re going to stand and strike, I’ll stab you in the chest with a fork and make you look like an alien with a head full of skewers.
This brings me to my motivation for this match. When someone can hate you without ever meeting you, when they hate you simply for who you are. Not who you are as a person, but the genetics that make you up as a person. You see, I hate Trace Demon. I don’t hate Trace Demon because he has faggy red highlights. I don’t hate Trace Demon because he’s a homosexual. I don’t hate Trace Demon because he adds U’s to words where U’s don’t belong. I hate Trace Demon because he is an obnoxious piece of crap that doesn’t know when to just leave people the f*ck alone, because they are going to hurt him. I hate Trace Demon because he’s got a mouth that runs off like an ass that’s been pumped full of laxatives and he’s got absolutely no control over the waves of excrement that flow from that mouth of his. I hate Trace Demon because he absolutely sucks. These are genuine reasons to hate a person. A person’s religion is not.
David Brennan, for you to hate someone simply because of their religion or their skin color is perplexing, but it really just shows the type of sub-human you are. Human solely by species designation, because there’s no creature walking the earth that more accurately describes what you are. But you lack the most simple human features. You hate for no reason. You hate fellow humans completely unprovoked. And you cause violence against them. You think this makes you tough? Because you can say the N word and you can beat up a hundred pound black guy? What makes you tough is when someone hits you in the face with a ladder and chips two of your teeth and you don’t blink an eye, and you wrestle for twenty more minutes with blood flowing out of your mouth, and no one is none the wiser of the incident except your dentist. What makes you tough is having your flesh ripped by barbed wire, but continuing to fight through the pain and simply refusing to acknowledge the pain. And what makes you tough is wrestling for four months on a partially torn ACL, not because you want to prove to the world exactly how much of a man you are, but because you can’t afford to have anything done about it and you have to kayfabe the insurance provider into believing it isn’t a previous withstanding injury, but rather something that happened within the time when the new insurance plan happen.
David Brennan, I know things about being tough that you could only dream about, and if you did dream about, you’d wake up in a hot sweat with tears running down your pathetic, coward, hate filled face. I’ve seen things and I’ve experienced things that you just couldn’t handle. And you want to talk about hate? If the sky was blank paper and the ocean was ink, I still wouldn’t have the space to write the memoirs of the people I hate and for what reasons, and why they hate me. You want to add your name to the list, because I’m Jewish? I’ll add you under Trace Demon, as the completely insignificant stains on the underpants of life that I’ve smashed and humiliated on a national stage. Try me, skinhead. Let’s play. Want to play my game? I like to play my game. People get hurt when we play my game and it’s rarely me coming up on the greater end of the injury report.
I dont know good luck 
