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Post by The Masked Superstar on Jan 28, 2016 22:34:07 GMT -5
Sid Svantesson trains with his 60 year old Boxing trainer Jeff Gridlock. “Keep your hands up!” Jeff yells out as he is displaying different punch combinations on Sid. Sid parry’s a Left Hook and then side steps, and gives Jeff a Left Jab to the ear. “Good job kid! Keep doing it good, you can’t wrestle technically in a Four Way! You need to brawl!” Jeff laughs and then starts punching Sid again. Sid backs up into the corner, and Jeff just knocks him down with a heavy body shot. Sid slides under the ropes, and holds his gut. “We know your weakness now kid!”
Sid takes off his equipment, and still holds his gut, and then Jeff gets out of the ring, and also takes off his equipment. “You doing good kid, might not be prepared for your first match…” Jeff says as he pats Sid on the back. “You’ll get there one day though!” Sid stands up, and starts to back his bag. “I gotta get to my house, work out and go to the airport, I’ll see you next week old-man!” Sid laughs and he picks up his bag and leaves. “Good luck kid, you’ll need it!” Jeff laughs!
Later That Night
Sid is alone with his thought, in his home gym as he is lifting weights. “I think I can do this. I think I can beat these 3 men. I don’t know much about them, but I think if I play my cards right I can beat them.” Sid drops the dumbbell, and sits down on the bench. “We are all rookies. I’m pretty sure we are the future of this business.” Sid spits across the room. “I have to say, I ain’t to sure about my chances in this match. That doesn’t mean I won’t do better next time!”
Sid stands up and walks through his house, to his bed room. "Tonight I'm leaving for the Event, and I'll probably return a beaten down man." Sid grabs his already packed luggage, and walks out of room and down the stairs. Sid stops at the front door, and then looks around his house. "But I will return at Victorious man!" Sid walks out of his, and gets into his car.
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Post by CM Poor on Jan 29, 2016 10:39:49 GMT -5
So, when I first sit down to read a character's first rp, I know as much about the character as anyone else outside of the character's creator, and that's nothing. That should, to me, be priority número uno when bringing in a new or even returning character - hell, for any rp, really - context clues to let me know who the character is, and what it is that makes him so special. You don't have to give me everything at once, but something has got to clue me in that there's something unique about this character that's going to make me want to come back and see what happens to him.
Suffice to say, I emphasize that because it didn't happen here. As this stands, Sid could be anyone in the world, really. Have you ever seen those 90+ minute reviews of the Star Wars prequels by Mr. Plinket? There's a great exercise in there where he asks people to describe characters from the PT and the OT without saying what they look like or what they do. Naturally, there's a lot more meat to the OT characters vs. the PT characters. Using that approach, we understand here that Sid is, at best:
- unsure of himself
That's not a lot to build on with an original character, and from there, we have to wonder if the reader is really piqued enough to come back next time to see what happens to Sid.
It seems like a lot, and I don't mean it to be harsh or anything - it's just the basic structure of character development. If you're character is a fleshed out, living thing on paper: unsure of himself, aggressive, driven to achieve his goals, apprehensive of what he needs to do to get there, capable yet hesitant, then you'll have the tools you need to have him move throughout the world and grow and succeed.
To end on a high note - aside from a few too many "kid"s from the trainer and the whole bit of "I have to go now and pack" bit to the end, I thought your dialogue came off a lot less wooden than most unseasoned writers. Good on that. Put some thought into who you really want your character to be and this stuff should come more and more naturally to you.
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Post by Drakz on Feb 3, 2016 16:12:00 GMT -5
I agree with what CM Poor said in that while I think this is a solid starting point for your new character in terms of it wasn't bad, but at the same time it wasn't that compelling for me as a reader either. Try to work out Sid's little quirks and what makes him tick. Why is unsure of himself etc? There's still improvement here from older works of yours with regards to dialogue and the like but something I want to see you start to work towards is telling an overarching story to make us as readers want to come back and read the next chapter. |
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Post by jdfranchise on Feb 5, 2016 21:09:49 GMT -5
I agree with the guys that I think you've improved in your writing since you last wrote for Gotch. That said I also have to agree you didn't give us as much you could've with this new character. For me the big question I felt needed answered is why. Why is Sid, at 37 years old, just now deciding to come to WFWF when he could be considered past his prime? Now obviously the question doesn't need answered immediately, but eventually it needs to be answered. I do think having a coach to bounce dialogue off is good, but I'd love to see who else is in his life.
Overall, not bad. Where you have some experience under your belt now, I want to see you turn it up.
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I dont know good luck 
