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Post by Sizzle on Dec 18, 2016 22:29:45 GMT -5
Angry Bison At Superbrawl, I took out five guys that I don't know the names of-doesn't that tell you something- to earn the opportunity to fight in a match I should've been in in the first place. And at that moment, I was 1-0 at Superbrawl. Later on, I was involved in what can be described as controlled chaos. That ladder match was supposed to be an amazing match with all the guys that have all the potential to reach the top of the hill that is WFWF. A great match that showcased all of our immense potential. But as much as I want to admire that match, I just can't. I mean, how can I possibly sit here and say that match was amazing when the wrong man walked out with the Golden Opportunity? That title is meant for me. Once I stepped in this place I was labeled as a rising star, a guy that was destined for greatness... The guy that was being groomed for the gold. ...But that hasn't turned out how anyone wanted it. Those WFWF guys who hype up our matches on WFWF.com called me the guy who shuns the pre shows. Good. That is how it needs to be. I don't ever want to see my name on the pre show again... They put all their money on me to become this huge star and then they pull crap like that. That's not gonna fly. Now... I'm a geek. I love video games, comics, super heroes, and all that jazz, but I would never make that who I am. Austin Hayes is a nerd. That's all he is. When he gets in that ring, that's all he is: a geek. He's a geek outside and inside the ring and nothing in him changes. Unlike him, I'm not a nerd in between those ropes, I'm a bison. And bisons don't take crap from anybody. Bisons dominate. Have you ever seen an angry Bison? Those bitches charge. 2000 pounds of straight up beast coming at you with one thing on their mind, defending their territory by kicking the ass of whoever tries to take what's theirs. When I take on Hayes, there will be no difference. This angry bison will not back down. This angry bison will have no mercy. This angry bison will not walk out with just a "good match" under his belt. This angry bison will walk out with his head high and his hand raised, with a win under his belt. |
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Post by CM Poor on Dec 19, 2016 6:52:52 GMT -5
I don't know if you were strapped for time or what, but in the end, this just feels incomplete. It would have been a fine monologue ("fine speech") amid, well, anything else, but on its own, it's gonna sort of flounder, especially against a guy like Hayes being written by who he's being written by. I was hoping, coming off of a strong enough showing at SB, that you would have leveled that into something really strong here. On its own, the monologue isn't badly written - it's never easy writing against any character's first showing - but to have it be your sole entry, it leaves the reader wishing for more.
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Post by Drakz on Dec 20, 2016 7:52:11 GMT -5
Totally agree with Brennan here in that this felt like a small part of a larger finished piece. What you had here was good but you never really gave yourself any room to make it come to life. Instead we got enough of a monologue to pique our interest but nothing more comes of it because it finishes so soon. I'm not saying you should have written some lengthy masterpiece, but you need to at least give the reader enough content to get their teeth into and enjoy your character.
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Post by King Richius on Dec 20, 2016 15:15:20 GMT -5
I enjoyed it for what it is but wish it had more to it. Also, I think using the "he's a nerd" insult as your focus on Austin Hayes was going for the low hanging fruit. I realize he's a new character with little for you to target but I think there was more to go after than the rather obvious nerd thing. I really did like the angry bison bit you closed out with.
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Post by Ace Bennett on Dec 21, 2016 14:59:07 GMT -5
I'm reading this as someone who has never read anything from you before. I like using these little monologues as that sort of introduction to the character that I didn't get a chance to properly read the first few RPs for as it strips the character down to what they really are.
That being said, it's pretty obvious that you were strapped for time here. I feel like you definitely have the ability to put together a solid RP. This was a fine monologue for a newer guy. You hit your opponent, however briefly, and covered your character's mindset entering the match. All good.
However, it comes off as very generic for me. What makes Brandon Bison different from any other guy in the WFWF? There wasn't anything in this that gave me any sort of character definition. My tip would be try to differentiate yourself a bit more from any average Angry Joe Schmoe. I think Trace is someone to look at for this, you can really see what kind of person they are when you read their monologues.
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Post by Markw on Jan 3, 2017 12:55:29 GMT -5
Been pretty well covered that you could do with building more around this to give it more of an impact so I won't harp on. You've shown us what Bison thinks of his opponent, what he thinks of his role in the WFWF and how he's approaching this match here. That's pretty much the basics of what you need to cover and it's good to see. In terms of improving it as a monologue though there's plenty of room to do that. I feel like we could really benefit from finding out a bit more about Bison's rationale when you make your points. So for example, there's the point that the wrong man won the Golden Opportunity, and Bison seemingly remains confident that he deserves to be the guy groomed for greatness, so it would help to give us Bison's justification for losing that match. Did Ante catch him on an off night? Was the match type and the fact that Bison didn't need to be pinned the problem? Did he lose because he was the only man involved who was forced to fight twice in one night? There's loads of different possibilities and ways to expand on the points you're making. Things like that, just adding a bit more meat on the bones, would really help me buy into the things the character is saying and by extension buy into the character. Telling us what Bison thinks is important, but it's also important to get across – one way or another – why he thinks it. I think adding that in will make it much easier for you to get a firmer grasp of where Bison is mentally and where you're taking him.
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I dont know good luck 
