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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 14:38:34 GMT -5
Post by Mike Giggs' Munchies on Aug 28, 2008 14:38:34 GMT -5
Post your favorite jokes: NOTE: These are JOKES, and are mot intended to offend anyone. I am sorry for any offence caused. When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When Iwas 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided Ineeded a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the timeand threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She wastotally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life becameso dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. Shedid mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. Shewas great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So Idecided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet plantedfirmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that shedivorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits. - - - - - A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. - - - - - Also, can anyone solve this: (NB:) This is copied and pasted, sorry for caps. 3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30.00 SO EACH MAN PAID £10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM. A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25.00 SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.00 ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5.00 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2.00 FOR HIMSELF. THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00 WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?
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gtm
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Joined on: Jun 10, 2006 11:38:30 GMT -5
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 14:46:07 GMT -5
Post by gtm on Aug 28, 2008 14:46:07 GMT -5
two fish in there tank
first fish turns to the other and sais you man the guns and ill drive this thing.
heard that today made me smile
edit heard another one which is poor but funny.
a man and a women catch each others eyes over a crowded bar,after a few more drinks the man gets the courage to walk over and starts hitting on her,its going really well and after half an hour they are drinking and dancing. the man turns to the woman and sais "i never got your name,what is it?" the women replies "carman" "oh like carmen electra?" the man replies the woman sais "no i renamed myself last year after my two favourite things,cars and men! so its car-man" "oh fair enuff" the man replies "so whats your name?" the women asks
the man grins and replies "beertits"
haha
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gtm
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jun 10, 2006 11:38:30 GMT -5
Posts: 2,707
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:11:42 GMT -5
Post by gtm on Aug 28, 2008 15:11:42 GMT -5
i worked it out. because the bellboy didnt give them the rite money back they ended up paying £27 for the room not the £25.forget all the 3x9 stuff.
£25 +the three they got back+ the 2 he took = £30
the last lines are designed to throw you off.the £1 just gets lost when you over complicate it,basically lost in the maths.
good riddle tho.
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:12:51 GMT -5
Post by montigue456 on Aug 28, 2008 15:12:51 GMT -5
it works out at £9.33 recurring for the room
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Deleted
Joined on: Jun 1, 2024 9:29:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:22:55 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2008 15:22:55 GMT -5
two fish in there tank first fish turns to the other and sais you man the guns and ill drive this thing. heard that today made me smile edit heard another one which is poor but funny. a man and a women catch each others eyes over a crowded bar,after a few more drinks the man gets the courage to walk over and starts hitting on her,its going really well and after half an hour they are drinking and dancing. the man turns to the woman and sais "i never got your name,what is it?" the women replies "carman" "oh like carmen electra?" the man replies the woman sais "no i renamed myself last year after my two favourite things,cars and men! so its car-man" "oh fair enuff" the man replies "so whats your name?" the women asks the man grins and replies "beertits" haha I've heard that last joke before with the mans name being "BJ Titsengolf" ------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 6 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
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gtm
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jun 10, 2006 11:38:30 GMT -5
Posts: 2,707
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:25:47 GMT -5
Post by gtm on Aug 28, 2008 15:25:47 GMT -5
two fish in there tank first fish turns to the other and sais you man the guns and ill drive this thing. heard that today made me smile edit heard another one which is poor but funny. a man and a women catch each others eyes over a crowded bar,after a few more drinks the man gets the courage to walk over and starts hitting on her,its going really well and after half an hour they are drinking and dancing. the man turns to the woman and sais "i never got your name,what is it?" the women replies "carman" "oh like carmen electra?" the man replies the woman sais "no i renamed myself last year after my two favourite things,cars and men! so its car-man" "oh fair enuff" the man replies "so whats your name?" the women asks the man grins and replies "beertits" haha I've heard that last joke before with the mans name being " BJ Titsengolf" ------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 6 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA. even better lol
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Deleted
Joined on: Jun 1, 2024 9:29:02 GMT -5
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:47:24 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2008 15:47:24 GMT -5
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:47:28 GMT -5
Post by Mike Giggs' Munchies on Aug 28, 2008 15:47:28 GMT -5
So many people are gonna be banned because of this thread.
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:50:18 GMT -5
Post by Keyboard Cat on Aug 28, 2008 15:50:18 GMT -5
Well then, It's time for me to delete my post.
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 15:50:36 GMT -5
Post by noname on Aug 28, 2008 15:50:36 GMT -5
So many people are gonna be banned because of this thread. LMAO good joke
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 16:37:17 GMT -5
Post by ß®å¢K$ßâ¢k on Aug 28, 2008 16:37:17 GMT -5
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're a moron. Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year. ============================================== Italian Math
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny DiGiusto from New York.
I'm not going to hire any wise guy New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree make nine. Faghedaboutit......"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd which makes one hundred. ........Bada boom, bada bing. ......... When do I freakin' start?" ============================================== Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "And yesterday, Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Dear Lord, no!" the President moans. "That's terrible...!"
The President buries his head in his hands, silencing his staff with this moving display of emotion.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" ==============================================
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Un Vieu BS
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Joined on: Oct 4, 2006 19:14:05 GMT -5
Posts: 3,638
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 16:44:00 GMT -5
Post by Un Vieu BS on Aug 28, 2008 16:44:00 GMT -5
What are 4 black in a red sleeping bag.....? A KitKat bar...
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 17:23:44 GMT -5
Post by Grumpyoldman on Aug 28, 2008 17:23:44 GMT -5
2 muffins are baking in an oven. The one muffin says, "Boy, it sure is hot in here!" The other muffin says, "AAAGH! A talking muffin!!!!"
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Go eff yourself.
A priest, a nun and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A priest is walking through a small Irish village & sees a house on the outskirts of town with a woman sweeping the front steps. He goes up to her & says, "Be ye Maggie Malone?" She says, "Aye father." He asks, "Didn't I marry ye to Patrick Malone last year?" She says, "Aye father." He asks "Do you have any children?" She replies, "No, not yet father" He asks, "Where's yer husband?" She replies, "He's in the fields workin'". He says, "When I go to Rome, I'll light a candle for ye." .......10 years later, the same priest goes through the same town & sees the same woman sweeping the steps to the same house. He asks, "Be ye Maggie Malone?" She replies, "Aye Father." He says, "Didn't I marry ye to Patrick Malone 11 years ago?" She says, "Aye father." He asks, "Do ye have any children?" She replies, "Aye father. 2 sets of twins & 3 sets of triplets." He says, "I have to congratulate yer husband! Is he in the fields workin'?" She replies, "No, father. He's gone to Rome to blow that f*cking candle out!"
What has 50 legs & 5 teeth? The front row of a Lynyrd Skynyrd show.
What's black & blue & floats in the North Sea? An Irishman who told too many Scottish jokes.
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 18:07:53 GMT -5
Post by OmegaGaijin on Aug 28, 2008 18:07:53 GMT -5
2 muffins are baking in an oven. The one muffin says, "Boy, it sure is hot in here!" The other muffin says, "AAAGH! A talking muffin!!!!" How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Go eff yourself. A priest, a nun and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?" A priest is walking through a small Irish village & sees a house on the outskirts of town with a woman sweeping the front steps. He goes up to her & says, "Be ye Maggie Malone?" She says, "Aye father." He asks, "Didn't I marry ye to Patrick Malone last year?" She says, "Aye father." He asks "Do you have any children?" She replies, "No, not yet father" He asks, "Where's yer husband?" She replies, "He's in the fields workin'". He says, "When I go to Rome, I'll light a candle for ye." .......10 years later, the same priest goes through the same town & sees the same woman sweeping the steps to the same house. He asks, "Be ye Maggie Malone?" She replies, "Aye Father." He says, "Didn't I marry ye to Patrick Malone 11 years ago?" She says, "Aye father." He asks, "Do ye have any children?" She replies, "Aye father. 2 sets of twins & 3 sets of triplets." He says, "I have to congratulate yer husband! Is he in the fields workin'?" She replies, "No, father. He's gone to Rome to blow that f*cking candle out!" What has 50 legs & 5 teeth? The front row of a Lynyrd Skynyrd show. What's black & blue & floats in the North Sea? An Irishman who told too many Scottish jokes.aye thats a good one like lol
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 18:15:20 GMT -5
Post by Johnny on Aug 28, 2008 18:15:20 GMT -5
2 muffins are baking in an oven. The one muffin says, "Boy, it sure is hot in here!" The other muffin says, "AAAGH! A talking muffin!!!!" How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Go eff yourself. A priest, a nun and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?" A priest is walking through a small Irish village & sees a house on the outskirts of town with a woman sweeping the front steps. He goes up to her & says, "Be ye Maggie Malone?" She says, "Aye father." He asks, "Didn't I marry ye to Patrick Malone last year?" She says, "Aye father." He asks "Do you have any children?" She replies, "No, not yet father" He asks, "Where's yer husband?" She replies, "He's in the fields workin'". He says, "When I go to Rome, I'll light a candle for ye." .......10 years later, the same priest goes through the same town & sees the same woman sweeping the steps to the same house. He asks, "Be ye Maggie Malone?" She replies, "Aye Father." He says, "Didn't I marry ye to Patrick Malone 11 years ago?" She says, "Aye father." He asks, "Do ye have any children?" She replies, "Aye father. 2 sets of twins & 3 sets of triplets." He says, "I have to congratulate yer husband! Is he in the fields workin'?" She replies, "No, father. He's gone to Rome to blow that f*cking candle out!" What has 50 legs & 5 teeth? The front row of a Lynyrd Skynyrd show.What's black & blue & floats in the North Sea? An Irishman who told too many Scottish jokes. rofl
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2008 18:18:20 GMT -5
Post by Lorenzo Alcazar on Aug 28, 2008 18:18:20 GMT -5
blah blah blah big titties blah blah blah black people blah blah blah
sooo where's the jokes? I was told their would be jokes in here......guess not.
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Jokes
Aug 29, 2008 8:31:32 GMT -5
Post by Ace Bennett on Aug 29, 2008 8:31:32 GMT -5
Knock Knock
Whose there?
I AM!
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Aug 29, 2008 8:37:22 GMT -5
Post by S on Aug 29, 2008 8:37:22 GMT -5
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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Aug 29, 2008 8:58:50 GMT -5
Post by Deadshot on Aug 29, 2008 8:58:50 GMT -5
Women's rights.
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gtm
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jun 10, 2006 11:38:30 GMT -5
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Jokes
Aug 29, 2008 9:27:10 GMT -5
Post by gtm on Aug 29, 2008 9:27:10 GMT -5
blah blah blah big titties blah blah blah black people blah blah blah sooo where's the jokes? I was told their would be jokes in here......guess not. where is yours then?
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