|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 22, 2018 19:18:38 GMT -5
As Mesh has said, I think you can count yourself very unlucky to have lost this one, and I suspect if it weren’t for the couple of faux pas mentioned you would have. This was a really impressive return piece. I must admit I’m in the unsophisticated ‘I want stuff to happen and people to say things ASAP’ camp. So the description is overdone for me in a couple of places (although the bulk of it’s fine), it’s not that’s it’s not good, there’s just only so much I can care about. Some of it just doesn’t add enough, for me, to warrant stopping the flow of dialogue, or stopping us getting to the meat of the RP quicker in the first place. It's not necessarily specific lines, but having description of facial movements or the surroundings after every line of dialogue just gets a bit much at times - it's not all necessary so cut it and let the dialogue convey it would be my advice. That said I’m glad you’ve got me thinking about it, ‘cause it’s helped me realise that I probably err way too much the other way so that’s something for me to address. And the majority of your audience seem to enjoy it so I’d chalk it down to personal taste and accept that one. In terms of responding to your opponents RP, I used to do it from time to time – and I think my monologues were infinitely weaker for it. I’d strongly contest Lynn’s suggestion that ‘The person who goes second always has the advantage’, I really don’t see it that way at all. a) You give yourself very limited time to address your match and opponent. b) You risk falling into the trap of saying too much about what your opponent thinks about your character, and nowhere near enough about what your character thinks about your opponent. c) You let the other writer set the agenda and tone, which is something that most if not all here just don’t need to do. If anything it’s something to be actively avoided not because it’s considered bad form but because it can easily harm RPs. Having said all of that, I don’t think you fell into that trap at all. Considering how new Shuggy is you addressed him well, told us a lot about Casey and included some killer lines. The last couple of paragraphs in particular were a great way of addressing this one and left us on a real high note. Great work. We’ve had a couple of thrown together matches, I really hope we can do something with a bit more build at some point, because I really enjoy going up against you. I really appreciate your feedback. I'll take your critique on not breaking up the dialogue as much to heart. I hope we can have a proper feud at some point. I enjoy facing you, too. You're a talented writer.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 21, 2018 23:30:07 GMT -5
As a relatively new member of WFWF, with a disappointing 2-3-0 record, where is my International Championship title match?
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 21, 2018 23:26:08 GMT -5
I have it on good authority that David Brennan was spotted backstage being cranky.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 21, 2018 21:23:53 GMT -5
If you've got a spot on the card then I'm ready to get back into it. My RP crush returns!
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 21, 2018 21:23:05 GMT -5
Let's go!
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 21, 2018 1:48:23 GMT -5
Really solid show.
Great appreciation to everyone who wrote a RP, a match, a segment, and tied it all together with a bow.
I hope we can keep this trend going into the next one.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 20, 2018 21:14:15 GMT -5
Wow. Just wow.
If Meltzer were to rate this show, he'd give it 8 stars because it is at the Tokyo Dome. Hack joke, I know.
Anywhooooo.....
The commentary was on point this show! More than once, I laughed or chuckled at all the shade that was being thrown.
Whoever "wrote" both Needles/Priceless and Mesh/Rodriguez is trash and needs to GTFO from the fed. Who needs Dayquil when you have that?
Seriously though, I just hope I portrayed both Needles and Priceless in a good light.
I like the Lance Rodriguez character so again, I just hope I did him justice as well.
I was surprised by the results of Casey/Shuggy but it was a great match. That editor's note though...... I LOVED the commentary for Broom/Jones. It's a damn shame that Jones no longer is part of the fed because that character had so much potential.
Any promo from Ante Whitner has me hooked so I enjoyed the contract signing. Can't wait to read the RPs for that match!
What can I say about the main event? It was excellent. Zmey and #lizardkink really brought it, like they always do so I wasn't surprised. I popped for Kyzer's appearance at the end. Like with every match that has Kyzer's fingerprints on it, there's many questions that I want answers to but like every good story they'll get answered overtime which means nothing but only good stuff going forward.
I noticed a couple of errors that I noticed:
I've only been in the fed for five months now but these are the kind of shows that I want to be a part of. Small roster, I know but I sincerely hope that these next few shows are just as packed as this one was. I'm glad to have taken part in this show.
Good job everyone!
I wrote Broom/King. Glad you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun with it - especially the commentary.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 19, 2018 20:46:10 GMT -5
Should we expect results tonight? No pressure, just wondering. Nope. Waiting on a segment, I have to finish a match, and then a lot of pieces to put together into cohesive show. Not gonna' happen tonight because I'm busy watching SummerSlam. Sorry. Soon though... soon. Fair enough. Enjoy Lesnar vs Reigns.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 19, 2018 20:36:10 GMT -5
Should we expect results tonight?
No pressure, just wondering.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 18:14:01 GMT -5
Everyone showed up. 10/10. That's pretty awesome.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 3:00:54 GMT -5
I have now given feedback on all 9 RPs.
I'm sorry that it took me so long. I could give you a list of reasons why, but we all have reasons, don't we?
Next go-round, I'll try to give feedback as I see RPs posted, as not to get a backlog. I did read them as they were posted, but kept putting off actually sitting down and replying.
Great showing by all. Lots of killers and lots of potential.
Proud of this place.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:57:54 GMT -5
A true standard bearer here.
No one is better at making me forget that I'm reading a fictional character quicker than you. Drakz is fully formed.
My favorite part was the packing scene and the fun being made of your opponent.
No critique. All killer, no filler.
Glad you're back on the horse.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:52:21 GMT -5
Really good effort.
As you know, I'm a huge fan of yours - especially with the Joe Bishop character.
Obviously, Shuggy is a former side character who is now being tried full-time, so he won't be perfect overnight.
Shuggy feels like Mikey Whipwreck, but a lot less goofy. A true underdog that is easy to get behind.
I think all you need is time and more RPs and Shuggy will slowly crawl up the ranks.
It's a thrill to face you again.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:47:52 GMT -5
Best in show, in my opinion.
You gave us a lot to digest here, but it went down like cold drink on a hot day.
Loved the opening. It felt almost like a poem. A warrior's soliloquy.
I'm new to this character, but I am immediately on board after this piece.
No critique. Keep on killin'.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:42:45 GMT -5
Solid monologue.
Now start adding to that. Describe in detail what the character is thinking, feeling, seeing. It will make Needles 3-D and real to us.
I would also consider breaking up things into more, smaller paragraphs. It helps the reader digest things easier and helps to not lose their place while reading.
Consider using some color. It helps the reader and it just more pleasing to the eye.
Mostly, keep it up, man. We were all new to this once. There are a lot of killers here that are also great guys and gals to learn from and who are always willing to give good feedback.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:36:49 GMT -5
I definitely see potential here.
I dug the documentary approach, and as said above, I think over time that it will become better and better.
My biggest critique is that you give very, very limited description. Try to paint a picture, or a moving scene in a movie, for the reader.
Keep it up.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:33:40 GMT -5
I really hope you can balance out things and keep with the WFWF, because I see some potential here.
I enjoyed the bluntness of the vibe of this piece. The humor was hit or miss for me, but that's going to happen - everyone has their own tastes.
The gimmick is fantastic and has all the upside in the world.
I had a blast writing your match and hope you enjoy reading it.
Don't be down on yourself for not being able to fully realize this RP. You showed, and a lot of people wouldn't have. It shows character.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:28:17 GMT -5
Love the character. Love the world you've built and put her into. Mama Bear, Kat.
I do agree that Mesh walks a fine line between naivety and immature, but I think you manage to lean towards the better side here.
Mesh is a new, refreshing character - and not just because she's a girl.
You have a lot of potential as a writer here and I really look forward to witnessing your ascent.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:22:46 GMT -5
This gave us a pretty good table setting for the character.
I enjoyed the monologue most.
I hope we get to see more of this character.
Obviously, it could have probably done with more length, but for the length you delivered, it was good stuff.
I appreciate your willingness to step in when the roster is thin and contribute.
Good job.
|
|
|
Post by The Violent Gentleman on Aug 18, 2018 2:16:56 GMT -5
I enjoyed this.
The relationship between Billy and Jenny is very endearing for the character. I love the back and forth between them. It reads really natural to me,
I'd love to see an arc of Billy 'making it'. Some real Rudy stuff.
Love the Die Hard-esque sign off line.
Good job!
|
|