Post by B-Radimus Prime on Oct 26, 2010 22:43:37 GMT -5
The (Not So) High Horror
I can‘t believe Tabitha tried to tell a very personal story about me…or recall a memory in the safety of her own mind which was absolutely not typed up and placed on some stupid forum dedicated to the love of wrestling action figures, whatever. Goddamnit, I lost my train of thought. What was I saying? Oh yeah! How dare her! How dare she? I‘m not sure which is proper there. The Black Dahlia. How stupid of her to give herself that moniker. What does that even mean? The only thing good about that movie is the fact that Mia Kirshner was in it and she‘s hot. But she‘s much hotter in the L Word for, well…obvious reasons. Focus, Braden! Gah. Now I sound like her. I should give her a piece of my mind! I mean, it was my life! It wasn‘t her story to tell! Luckily, I deleted her memory before she could get to the really juicy parts. Here goes.
“Yo, Tabitha!”
Should I have went with “bitch“ or “hooker“? They sound more angry, which I am. Too late to change it though, she‘d just laugh at me.
I glance downwards as she brings her face up from between my legs.
“Braden, I actually need to concentrate on this. What do you want this time?”
”Don‘t get snappy with me, woman!” Is what I should have said but since she is delicately sewing the crotch of my tights back together (what did you think she was doing down there, sicko?), I should let her finish and definitely not insult her. She has the power to make a penorless Braden and that probably wouldn‘t be a good thing.
“There, all done. Now what did you want?”
I wait until the scissors and pins are a safe distance from her hands.
“You…”
“Oh, hold on! I wanted to show you something!”
She can‘t just interrupt me like that! I‘m mad! And when she returns, she will see just how mad I am. My face is all scrunched up in anger. I bet I look like a werewolf about to attack a poor, defenseless little red riding hood! Why did they call her that in the first place? It makes her sound like a car…or a hooker. Don‘t lose focus now, keep that terrifying face on, she‘s coming back.
She enters the room and our eyes meet. That‘s it. She see‘s the brutal fury now. She knows she‘s pissed me off. Should I start in on her now? Or should I wait and let the terror soak in first?
“Uh, Braden. Are you feeling constipated?”
I let out an angry huff. She always finds a way to make me feel less superior to the rest of the world than I actually am. I would attempt a new and even better angry face, but she‘d probably punch me or not even notice. Before I can make up my mind as to what I should do, Tabitha pulls something out from behind her back. Unfortunately, it is not cake. It is, however, a bunch of papers with drawings on them. She nervously hands them over to me.
“Now look, this is only a rough draft so don‘t be too harsh.”
I look at the pictures and see an outstandingly (and slightly over-exaggerated) drawn and painted picture of Tabitha and I in these completely ridiculous (in a good way) costumes. We‘re like freaking superheroes or something! I glance over at her for a moment…a shy pink washes over her face. What? Uncertainty from Tabitha Owens? It can‘t be. Oh…if I was an ass…I could totally put down her work and make her feel horrible like she does to me constantly. But no. I will be the bigger man and admit that these are great. And thus begins…
MunrOwens Comics Presents:
The (Not So) High Horror
The night is like any other night in my life, except now I have a massive six pack and I did absolutely nothing to earn it. The muscles in my arms and legs are bulging…speaking of which.
(”Can uh…we make my package a little bigger? For some reason, you made it a bit smaller than everything else.”
“Hah! You wish.”
“Mean. Besides, you made your boobs bigger than your head…and that‘s definitely not realistic.”
“I didn‘t make them that big!)
Anyways. We stand outside the castle of the one, the only…The High Horror! Why, you ask? Because he‘s a madman intent on taking over the world and we surely cannot let the happen! I am ready to brave the battle that is sure to come, alongside with my trusted sidekick, Tabitha Owens.
(”I’m totally not your sidekick. You are my sidekick.”
“No, you are so the sidekick!”
“Braden, this world does not revolve around you. It revolves around me. Therefore you are just the sidekick.”
“Okay, how about if we‘re partners? Equal partners with no sidekick? Deal?”
“Fine. Deal.”)
Now. My trusty completely equal partner and I are ready to face the evil…The High Horror, who awaits just behind the door we are standing in front of. Dun dun dun.
“Wait a minute. I just thought of something.”
“That we should be going through a window or something less obvious than the front door?”
“No. I guess…it’s only The High Horror. I mean…we could go back home and do something a little more productive like mop the kitchen floor because, let’s face it…he’s not really any kind of threat to us or the world. I mean, what is he gonna do? Force us to stick forks in our ears after making us sit through one of his terribly dull speeches? You know that’s all he’s doing right now. Just yapping away about no one and nothing as if anyone actually cares. Come on, let’s go get some donuts instead.”
“Although, you do have a point…we kind of have to do something a bit more exciting than clean a kitchen or eat donuts.”
“Well then, let‘s at least go pick a fight with an elderly Nun because she would stand a little more of a chance against us than The High Horror.”
“Listen, we‘re going to take care of The High Horror and then we can go kick Nun‘s if you really want.”
That sounds like a good enough plan to me! Tabitha gets in motion to kick the front door down, but I stop her.
“Wait! Why exactly is he called The High Horror in the first place? Is he on crack? I‘ve never quite understood it.”
Tabitha shrugs.
“I’m quite certain that is not it. I think he just stands on a really tall chair all the time and considers that to be high in the air. It just seems logical to me.”
“That’s stupid.”
She casts an evil glare before going back to that kicking action.
“Wait! How come you get to kick it down? I thought we were equals now!”
Tabitha sighs, impatiently.
“Fine, Braden. We‘ll kick it down together. Three.”
“Two”
And then we both kick down the front door like detectives on Law and Order SVU. It lands with a “thud” and then the most annoying cackling sound vibrates from within the barren headquarters. It is dark until a sudden flash of light illuminates The High Horror’s lair. We almost go blind, but thankfully we don’t.
“Dude, is that light really necessary?”
I get no answer but a shadow begins to overtake us. A really big shadow! Then, standing before our very eyes is…The High Horror!
“Ah, damn. You were right. How are you always right?!”
The High Horror is actually not that horrifying at all. He is merely an average man who does, in fact, stand upon a slightly tall chair as he cackles annoyingly. He glares down upon us, even though (despite the chair) he still isn’t that much taller than us.
“Who dares to enter The High Horror‘s lair?”
“Just your friendly neighborhood Evil-Doer Wrecking Crew!”
Tabitha nods.
“Good line.”
“Thanks, it just came to me.”
The High Horror huffs very loudly, almost like he purposely wants Tabitha and I to be interrupted by it.
“You shall be wrecking no home of mine, you less-high-than-I fools! For I am The High Horror! I am high and horrifying! Thus, you cannot defeat me!”
“Filthy lies! You‘re not very high or horrifying, mister.”
“Yeah. You’re like The Not So High Horror and we’re gonna bring you back down to earth where you belong.”
“Say ‘homie’.”
“Homie!”
The High Horror stomps angrily on his chair and starts to fall over. He quickly regains his composure though but not quick enough for Tabitha and I to completely point out how stupid and not horrifying that was as we laugh loudly.
“Stop that laughing! In a moment, you shall witness the true power of The High Horror! Watch as I fill your minds with useless information about nothing and no one until you can no longer take it anymore and are forced to drive forks into your ears!”
“Aha! I knew it! I totally knew that was his only power!”
And I did. You know you heard me say it earlier.
“The High Horror, your somewhat lame plan to basically do nothing will never work! As superheroes, it is our duty to save the multiverse from those with really bad names and even worse objectives!”
“NO! The High Horror shall not be defeated by the likes of you! Watch as my overly evil and horrifying plan begins! Once upon a time I did nothing and never had any accomplishments to my name! Despite that fact, I still have never did anything and I still have no accomplishments to my name. But now that I have had many years to bask in my nothingness, I have finally found a chair tall enough to make me feel as though it will matter in my career of evil-doing! Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. Boring stuff, boring stuff, boring stuff…”
At this point, Tabitha and I have already left, bought donuts, kicked that Nun, came back, and now we proceed in chowing down. Om nom nom. The (Not So) High Horror is displeased as he grunts angrily in the midst of whatever it is that he was saying.
“Braden, this is just sad. Let‘s just get rid of him already. He‘s so pathetic it‘s making me not enjoy these donuts as much as I could be.”
“I wanted to do that from the beginning. Well, here goes.”
The two of us stand up while The (Not So) High Horror continues rambling. We walk towards him and kick the front legs of his chair, they break upon impact and he falls forwards, flat on his face. Suddenly, The (Not So) High Horror screams in agony and then begins crying. Yes, crying.
“Please don‘t hurt me! I beg of you! I surrender! I surrender!!!!”
Tabitha and I cast curious glances to one another before shrugging simultaneously.
“That was a little easier than I thought it would be.”
“Indeed.”
With that, The (Not So) High Horror is (very much so) defeated easily and is taken far, far away to be locked up for eternity!
The End.
I stand there in awe at not only her art, but her beautiful story-telling abilities.
“That was amazing! And so totally true! The High Horror…or whatever his name is now is going to be so easy to defeat at The Fish Slapping Dance! I wasn‘t worried before but I‘m even less not worried now!”
“I‘m glad you liked it. Now stop being cocky, it doesn‘t fit you.”
I think she likes it.
“Fine. Let‘s go kick a Nun now.”
And then we leave to do just that.
I can‘t believe Tabitha tried to tell a very personal story about me…or recall a memory in the safety of her own mind which was absolutely not typed up and placed on some stupid forum dedicated to the love of wrestling action figures, whatever. Goddamnit, I lost my train of thought. What was I saying? Oh yeah! How dare her! How dare she? I‘m not sure which is proper there. The Black Dahlia. How stupid of her to give herself that moniker. What does that even mean? The only thing good about that movie is the fact that Mia Kirshner was in it and she‘s hot. But she‘s much hotter in the L Word for, well…obvious reasons. Focus, Braden! Gah. Now I sound like her. I should give her a piece of my mind! I mean, it was my life! It wasn‘t her story to tell! Luckily, I deleted her memory before she could get to the really juicy parts. Here goes.
“Yo, Tabitha!”
Should I have went with “bitch“ or “hooker“? They sound more angry, which I am. Too late to change it though, she‘d just laugh at me.
I glance downwards as she brings her face up from between my legs.
“Braden, I actually need to concentrate on this. What do you want this time?”
”Don‘t get snappy with me, woman!” Is what I should have said but since she is delicately sewing the crotch of my tights back together (what did you think she was doing down there, sicko?), I should let her finish and definitely not insult her. She has the power to make a penorless Braden and that probably wouldn‘t be a good thing.
“There, all done. Now what did you want?”
I wait until the scissors and pins are a safe distance from her hands.
“You…”
“Oh, hold on! I wanted to show you something!”
She can‘t just interrupt me like that! I‘m mad! And when she returns, she will see just how mad I am. My face is all scrunched up in anger. I bet I look like a werewolf about to attack a poor, defenseless little red riding hood! Why did they call her that in the first place? It makes her sound like a car…or a hooker. Don‘t lose focus now, keep that terrifying face on, she‘s coming back.
She enters the room and our eyes meet. That‘s it. She see‘s the brutal fury now. She knows she‘s pissed me off. Should I start in on her now? Or should I wait and let the terror soak in first?
“Uh, Braden. Are you feeling constipated?”
I let out an angry huff. She always finds a way to make me feel less superior to the rest of the world than I actually am. I would attempt a new and even better angry face, but she‘d probably punch me or not even notice. Before I can make up my mind as to what I should do, Tabitha pulls something out from behind her back. Unfortunately, it is not cake. It is, however, a bunch of papers with drawings on them. She nervously hands them over to me.
“Now look, this is only a rough draft so don‘t be too harsh.”
I look at the pictures and see an outstandingly (and slightly over-exaggerated) drawn and painted picture of Tabitha and I in these completely ridiculous (in a good way) costumes. We‘re like freaking superheroes or something! I glance over at her for a moment…a shy pink washes over her face. What? Uncertainty from Tabitha Owens? It can‘t be. Oh…if I was an ass…I could totally put down her work and make her feel horrible like she does to me constantly. But no. I will be the bigger man and admit that these are great. And thus begins…
MunrOwens Comics Presents:
The (Not So) High Horror
The night is like any other night in my life, except now I have a massive six pack and I did absolutely nothing to earn it. The muscles in my arms and legs are bulging…speaking of which.
(”Can uh…we make my package a little bigger? For some reason, you made it a bit smaller than everything else.”
“Hah! You wish.”
“Mean. Besides, you made your boobs bigger than your head…and that‘s definitely not realistic.”
“I didn‘t make them that big!)
Anyways. We stand outside the castle of the one, the only…The High Horror! Why, you ask? Because he‘s a madman intent on taking over the world and we surely cannot let the happen! I am ready to brave the battle that is sure to come, alongside with my trusted sidekick, Tabitha Owens.
(”I’m totally not your sidekick. You are my sidekick.”
“No, you are so the sidekick!”
“Braden, this world does not revolve around you. It revolves around me. Therefore you are just the sidekick.”
“Okay, how about if we‘re partners? Equal partners with no sidekick? Deal?”
“Fine. Deal.”)
Now. My trusty completely equal partner and I are ready to face the evil…The High Horror, who awaits just behind the door we are standing in front of. Dun dun dun.
“Wait a minute. I just thought of something.”
“That we should be going through a window or something less obvious than the front door?”
“No. I guess…it’s only The High Horror. I mean…we could go back home and do something a little more productive like mop the kitchen floor because, let’s face it…he’s not really any kind of threat to us or the world. I mean, what is he gonna do? Force us to stick forks in our ears after making us sit through one of his terribly dull speeches? You know that’s all he’s doing right now. Just yapping away about no one and nothing as if anyone actually cares. Come on, let’s go get some donuts instead.”
“Although, you do have a point…we kind of have to do something a bit more exciting than clean a kitchen or eat donuts.”
“Well then, let‘s at least go pick a fight with an elderly Nun because she would stand a little more of a chance against us than The High Horror.”
“Listen, we‘re going to take care of The High Horror and then we can go kick Nun‘s if you really want.”
That sounds like a good enough plan to me! Tabitha gets in motion to kick the front door down, but I stop her.
“Wait! Why exactly is he called The High Horror in the first place? Is he on crack? I‘ve never quite understood it.”
Tabitha shrugs.
“I’m quite certain that is not it. I think he just stands on a really tall chair all the time and considers that to be high in the air. It just seems logical to me.”
“That’s stupid.”
She casts an evil glare before going back to that kicking action.
“Wait! How come you get to kick it down? I thought we were equals now!”
Tabitha sighs, impatiently.
“Fine, Braden. We‘ll kick it down together. Three.”
“Two”
And then we both kick down the front door like detectives on Law and Order SVU. It lands with a “thud” and then the most annoying cackling sound vibrates from within the barren headquarters. It is dark until a sudden flash of light illuminates The High Horror’s lair. We almost go blind, but thankfully we don’t.
“Dude, is that light really necessary?”
I get no answer but a shadow begins to overtake us. A really big shadow! Then, standing before our very eyes is…The High Horror!
“Ah, damn. You were right. How are you always right?!”
The High Horror is actually not that horrifying at all. He is merely an average man who does, in fact, stand upon a slightly tall chair as he cackles annoyingly. He glares down upon us, even though (despite the chair) he still isn’t that much taller than us.
“Who dares to enter The High Horror‘s lair?”
“Just your friendly neighborhood Evil-Doer Wrecking Crew!”
Tabitha nods.
“Good line.”
“Thanks, it just came to me.”
The High Horror huffs very loudly, almost like he purposely wants Tabitha and I to be interrupted by it.
“You shall be wrecking no home of mine, you less-high-than-I fools! For I am The High Horror! I am high and horrifying! Thus, you cannot defeat me!”
“Filthy lies! You‘re not very high or horrifying, mister.”
“Yeah. You’re like The Not So High Horror and we’re gonna bring you back down to earth where you belong.”
“Say ‘homie’.”
“Homie!”
The High Horror stomps angrily on his chair and starts to fall over. He quickly regains his composure though but not quick enough for Tabitha and I to completely point out how stupid and not horrifying that was as we laugh loudly.
“Stop that laughing! In a moment, you shall witness the true power of The High Horror! Watch as I fill your minds with useless information about nothing and no one until you can no longer take it anymore and are forced to drive forks into your ears!”
“Aha! I knew it! I totally knew that was his only power!”
And I did. You know you heard me say it earlier.
“The High Horror, your somewhat lame plan to basically do nothing will never work! As superheroes, it is our duty to save the multiverse from those with really bad names and even worse objectives!”
“NO! The High Horror shall not be defeated by the likes of you! Watch as my overly evil and horrifying plan begins! Once upon a time I did nothing and never had any accomplishments to my name! Despite that fact, I still have never did anything and I still have no accomplishments to my name. But now that I have had many years to bask in my nothingness, I have finally found a chair tall enough to make me feel as though it will matter in my career of evil-doing! Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. Boring stuff, boring stuff, boring stuff…”
At this point, Tabitha and I have already left, bought donuts, kicked that Nun, came back, and now we proceed in chowing down. Om nom nom. The (Not So) High Horror is displeased as he grunts angrily in the midst of whatever it is that he was saying.
“Braden, this is just sad. Let‘s just get rid of him already. He‘s so pathetic it‘s making me not enjoy these donuts as much as I could be.”
“I wanted to do that from the beginning. Well, here goes.”
The two of us stand up while The (Not So) High Horror continues rambling. We walk towards him and kick the front legs of his chair, they break upon impact and he falls forwards, flat on his face. Suddenly, The (Not So) High Horror screams in agony and then begins crying. Yes, crying.
“Please don‘t hurt me! I beg of you! I surrender! I surrender!!!!”
Tabitha and I cast curious glances to one another before shrugging simultaneously.
“That was a little easier than I thought it would be.”
“Indeed.”
With that, The (Not So) High Horror is (very much so) defeated easily and is taken far, far away to be locked up for eternity!
The End.
I stand there in awe at not only her art, but her beautiful story-telling abilities.
“That was amazing! And so totally true! The High Horror…or whatever his name is now is going to be so easy to defeat at The Fish Slapping Dance! I wasn‘t worried before but I‘m even less not worried now!”
“I‘m glad you liked it. Now stop being cocky, it doesn‘t fit you.”
I think she likes it.
“Fine. Let‘s go kick a Nun now.”
And then we leave to do just that.
