|
|
Post by " The Chosen One" Jeff Relling on Nov 3, 2010 20:47:54 GMT -5
"Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy: now that's fun!"
: Top Dollar from " The Crow" Lightning looks inside the arena where he'll face two other teams in the opening bout. He shrugs his shoulders from the cold air that rushes through the door like a stampede of rhinos from Jumanji. He quickly unties his jacket from his lower abdomen and puts it on. Damn it's freezing. Now I feel sorry for ice cubes.He walks all over the arena which takes about 15 or 20 minutes. He then walks out to his rental car, a Ford Focus 2011. He hops into the drivers side of the car, and speeds off. He arrives at his destination, a hotel. He parks the car and enters the place but someone runs up to him. Yo. Wait up.The voice was Johnny Albright. He was wearing a black t shirt and torn up jeans. Yo! What's up.Nothing much. How's you neck after your finsher?It's okay. O'Deeve's knee hit me hard but it didn't help his chances. Yeah, but also I heard that EBR and DGX are looking for a challenge.Do you want to fight them? Oh hell yeah..Cool. I'm going to my room. So see you at the arena.Sure thing.Lightning goes into the elevator and enters his room on the 5th floor. He drops his bag on the floor. Oh, smell that.That's the stench of pine sol and victory.Lightning jumps on the bed and grabs the remote off the nightstand and turns the tv on and switches to last week's show. He sees DGX commenting on the Tag Division. The Horsemen are just a couple of misfits trying to make themselves look powerful. It's nothing more than child's play for them.Well, FU*K YOU DGX! You just made the mistake of your life and the sentence is death for you and EBR. Those titles will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine.The t.v shuts down. Out of Charcter: It's ok. But just mainly trying to set up a fued for the tag titles. |
|
Boss Bread
Mid-Carder
Joined on: Aug 25, 2010 17:13:57 GMT -5
Posts: 349
|
Post by Boss Bread on Nov 4, 2010 0:24:30 GMT -5
My favorite part of the role-play was "...the stench of pine sol and victory." I pretty much laughed at that. I personally thought you could have added more, especially when it came to Lightning cursing at his television. It's one thing to just have him curse at it, but it's another when you can help convey his feelings through his dialog. When he screams "Well, FU*K YOU DGX! You just made the mistake of your life and the sentence is death for you and EBR. Those titles will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine," you could have described his facial expressions and his body language. Personally, I imagined him throwing the remote at the television, and breaking it. The feeling of that alone out weighs him just shutting off the television. Heck, even saying "Lightning then shuts the television off in the utmost frustration" would have helped convey his mood.
Don't be afraid to go over the top. You're a member of the Hardcore Horsemen! Break some hotel room tables and chairs, create some chaos. Have Lightning go into a self-obsessed rant while he breaks innocent furniture, have some fun! Like, what you quoted at the beginning of the role-play.
The role-play wasn't bad, but I really, really wanted more out of it.
|
|
Justin Sanity
Mid-Carder
PEE WEE 3:16
Joined on: Jul 24, 2010 11:11:42 GMT -5
Posts: 415
|
Post by Justin Sanity on Nov 4, 2010 11:26:16 GMT -5
"the sentch of pine sol and victory" greatest thing i ever read lol. Not a bad RP. i think the detail on the rent-a-car wasn't really necessary, as long as its a rent-a-car that's all the audience should know. I also thought it was very creative that you are trying to start a feud for the Tag Titles, while if you read my RP's, Albright is at a feud with WFWF trying to bring back the death match title and claim it as his, so he can make his family proud. (which he was trying to do since he was in high school.) Good RP by my standards. keep up the work my good friend *thumbs up*  |
|
|
|
Post by bad guy™ on Nov 5, 2010 11:43:50 GMT -5
My favorite part of the role-play was "...the stench of pine sol and victory." I pretty much laughed at that. I personally thought you could have added more, especially when it came to Lightning cursing at his television. It's one thing to just have him curse at it, but it's another when you can help convey his feelings through his dialog. When he screams "Well, FU*K YOU DGX! You just made the mistake of your life and the sentence is death for you and EBR. Those titles will be mine. Oh yes, they will be mine," you could have described his facial expressions and his body language. Personally, I imagined him throwing the remote at the television, and breaking it. The feeling of that alone out weighs him just shutting off the television. Heck, even saying "Lightning then shuts the television off in the utmost frustration" would have helped convey his mood. Don't be afraid to go over the top. You're a member of the Hardcore Horsemen! Break some hotel room tables and chairs, create some chaos. Have Lightning go into a self-obsessed rant while he breaks innocent furniture, have some fun! Like, what you quoted at the beginning of the role-play. The role-play wasn't bad, but I really, really wanted more out of it. Actually, you've probably just said it better than I could. You're progressively getting better. I can see that, and don't forget that fact. But you really could (like I said in Luke's RP) do so much more. Maybe not trash hotel rooms as said above (though it could be funny), I'd like to see you doing more. I'd like to get the thoughts of Lightning. What does he REALLY think about his match? What's he think of the Horsemen? Albright? Being pretty much the only legitamate tag team after EBR/DGX at the moment? How he's going to establish himself for the future? Please, I beg you. Read DGX/EBR RPs. Not only are they great, but when it comes to team writing/team building, no RPs can rival them. |
|
|
|
Post by sonstuds on Nov 14, 2010 0:57:47 GMT -5
A Jumanji reference is A+ in my book.
The negative here is that you made up history (DGX never said that on the show, in fact he wasn't even on the show), so definitely steer away from that.
|
|
Revvie®
Main Eventer
Somewhere between Reality, and the Absurd
Joined on: Jun 29, 2005 1:04:26 GMT -5
Posts: 4,327
|
Post by Revvie® on Nov 17, 2010 6:36:38 GMT -5
A Jumanji reference is A+ in my book. I also couldnt help but fact that your quote...just where it come from amuses me. Either way, the convo was generic at best, description was total lack luster without much home. The few lines of interest that you did point made for a good laugh but over all did nothing for the rp itself. Keep working at it though...each rp is a step closer...or atleast it should be. |
|
