BANTER 1: Triple Threat

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to BANTER 1: Triple Threat!

I am your host, David Duchovny, alongside my broadcast partner, Gordon Ramsey.

"Gordon, how are you this evening?"

"ing brilliant, Dave."

"Great! But, don't call me Dave."

" you, I'll call you whatever the I want."

".. Anyway, let's get on with the show!"



"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A HANDICAP LADDER MATCH, WHERE THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO SCALE THE LADDER AND GET DOWN THE CONTRACT. INTRODUCING FIRST, AT A COMBINED WEIGHT OF 478 POUNDS, THE TEAM OF ELVIS PRESLEY AND XAVIER WOODS, THE MEEEEEEEMPHIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPPPPSSSSSS!"

"Here come the Pimps!"

"I hate these two ers with a passion."

"Admittedly, these two haven't endeared themselves to the fans."



"AND THEIR OPPONENT, FROM PARTS UNKNOWN, WEIGHING IN AT 205Ibs, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN UUUUUUUUUURIIIIIIIIIIICCCHHHH!"

"Here's Ben Urich. I'm pretty sure he's afraid of heights."

"Ha! What a bitch!"

"Anyway.. let's begin here."

The pimps instantly go to work on Urich, connecting with punches and kicks all over his body, and they trap him in the corner. Xavier to the outside, and holds Urich in position. Presley grabs a ladder, and drives it face first into Urich.

"Poor Ben!"

"That'll make your ing nose bleed, that's for sure."

Presley picks up Urich, sets him up, and drops him with a wicked brainbuster right on top of the ladder. Woods, now on the top rope, dives down with a footstomp right on top of the ladder, crushing Urich's head. Ben, now busted open, attempts to rise to his feet using the ropes, but he's stopped by Presley, who hits him in the back of the head.

"Urich really taking a beating here."

"Poor head might just die in the ring."

Presley sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring and begins to scale it, but Urich pushes it over, and Elvis falls off the ladder, outside the ring, and through the announce table.

"OH MY! Great ring awareness by Ben!"

"YOU ING C***! THIS ANNOUNCE TABLE COST MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE, YOU STUPID ING B******!"

"Easy, Gordon!"

" you, David."

Woods goes to work on Urich, but Urich counters with a mule kick. Realising the momentum has shifted, Urich lifts Woods above his head, and drops him with a huge press slam right on top of the ladder. The crowd, firmly behind Urich, approve.

"And the momentum has shifted just like that! What a smart man Ben Urich is."

Ben begins to set up the ladder, realising the match is his. He starts to climb, he's pulled back down by Woods.

"No-sell by Xavier there."

Urich and Woods begin to exchange punches continually.

"My god, they haven't stopped hitting each other for the past two minutes!"



"...and they're still hitting each other."

Finally, Elvis makes it back to his feet, and begins to attack Urich. He hits him in the back of the head with a chair, and sends him to the ground. Woods and Presley begin to double team him, kicking and punching him while he's down. Elvis lifts him up to his knees, Xavier shoots himself off into the ropes, and connects with a shining wizard to the nose of Urich, which busts him open. Woods now picks him up to his feet, places him on the top rope, runs into him, and superkicks him straight to the outside.

"That may well be it for Urich. He could be out!"

"He better get up. If not, he just proves how much of a ing bitch he really is."

Woods and Presley begin to scale the ladder and reach for the contract, but outside, Urich nips up, gets in the ring, and knocks them both of the ladder, before proclaiming "I AM BEN URICH, AND I WILL NOT DIE!"

"He is Ben Urich, and he will not die!"

"He wouldn't last 10 ing seconds in there with me."

Urich looks over at the ladder, and sees his chance. He raises Woods to his feet, and lifts him on his shoulders. He then raises Presley to his feet, and puts him on his shoulders. The now bloody Ben stands up, yells, walks over to the ladder, and drops them both on the ladder with a Double Death Valley Driver. Presley immediately reacts, but Woods has stopped moving.

"I think we may need some help for Xavier."

"What a p***y!"

Referee Bob Saget calls for the EMTs, and they rush down with a gurney for Woods, and begin to wheel him away. They get him to the top of the ramp, but they are pursued by Ben, who pushes all the doctors out of the way, and pulls Woods off of the gurney. Urich carries Xavier, who is still attached to the stretcher, back into the ring, and rolls in himself.

"I don't believe this! What more can Urich do?"

"This is ing brilliant!"

Urich looks over at Elvis, who is using the ropes to slowly make his way back to his feet, then looks at Woods, on the mat attached to the stretcher, then he looks at the crowd. He smiles, and picks up Woods. Presley makes it up to his feet, but he is met by Urich, who is using Woods as a baseball bat. Ben hits Elvis all over, which sends him down on his back. Urich calls for him to get up, and he yells "BATTER UP!". Presley gets up again, but he's hit round the head with his tag team partners lifeless body. Urich lifts Woods above his head like a trophy, and then drops him.

"This is sheer insanity!"

"Shut up, David, you d***head."

Urich begins to climb, and he reaches the top. He has his hands on the briefcase, but it magically rises higher, so Ben climbs one step further. But that moment in time cost him, as the Pimps push the ladder out from under him, leaving him hanging from the briefcase. Woods climbs out through the ropes, and begins to scale the top rope. He stand s on the top, looks at the crowd, and leaps forward, dropping Ben to the mat with a huge hanging spear. Both men are down, leaving Colter stood on his own. He sets up the ladder, scales it, grabs the contract, and pulls it down, sealing the win.

"A hard fought victory earned by the Pimps!"

"Indeed. ing awesome."

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR WINNERS AND THE NEW #1 CONTENDER'S FOR THE BANTER GRAND CHAMPIONSHIP, THE MEMPIS PIMPS!"

Colter and Woods are celebrating on the top of the ramp with the contract. They look down at Urich, and begin to taunt him. The bloody Ben rises to his feet, spits on the Pimps, and flips them the bird. The Pimps are unaffected by this, and they laugh. Urich now grabs a mic, and exclaims...

" you. you both."

Urich starts a chant and signals to the crowd to join in with him. The cheers ring throughout the arena..

"P***IES!"

"P***IES!"

"P***IES!"

The Pimps taunt the crowd and leave. Urich climbs out of the ring, goes to the stage, raises his arm to the loud cheers, and leaves.