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Sizzle
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Euphoric Corbin

Joined on: Nov 11, 2013 14:16:16 GMT -5
Posts: 14,652

Dark Matter Mar 24, 2016 21:22:52 GMT -5

Post by Sizzle on Mar 24, 2016 21:22:52 GMT -5

24/7 Diner in Hollywood, Florida

Brandon Bison and Jervis Weaver were sitting at the window in a 24/7 diner. The restaurant was bright and the light shone through the window, illuminating the puddled streets. The checkered floors were glistening, having just been mopped by the waitress who had just asked if Bison and Weaver wanted the check.

Brandon: I don't know about you, but I'm stuffed.

Jervis downed the last bits of bacon and eggs that were on his plate and let out a burp.

Jervis: Man, that was good. I could go for more, but you gotta get some rest.

Brandon: As much as I'd like to rest, I've got some training to do.

Jervis: Ah that's right, you've got a match this weekend.

Brandon: Yep, and man am I pumped!

Jervis: Why so eager?

Brandon: It's the go home to my first PPV. Why wouldn't I be excited? This is awesome.

Jervis: Be proud, man. You've done nothing but show why you were chosen to be a part of WFWF.

The waitress came up to them with the check and took the finished plates.

Brandon: I've had such a good time there. One of the guys and his girlfriend invited me for some Japanese food. They're good people, but I'm kind of sad. That guy vanished after his match last week.

Jervis: Don't be surprised. You are in the wrestling business, right?

Jervis and Brandon paid the waitress and headed outside.

Jervis: So, you have any goals you've set?

Brandon: Hell yeah! I want a championship around my waist, as soon as possible.

Jervis: You'll get one soon, don't worry. You beat the finest rookies on your debut, put up a hell of a fight against one of the best veterans in the promotion, beat one of the smartest and best all around wrestlers on the roster, and now you're taking on another new guy.

Brandon: This guy seems tough. He's got a build like you've got. He is huge.

Jervis: you've got nothing to worry about though, man. You can take him down easy, just like the brawls me and you have had.

Brandon: Oh? Just like our main event in '09?

The two laughed, but Jervis quickly changed his chuckle to a grimace.

Jervis: I was having a bad day man, I thought we were putting that behind all of us...

Brandon: Well, I had that against you for years, and that's what the commentators said every time we entered together.

Jervis waved the comment off before he and Brandon hopped into Brandon's Toyota Prius.

...

Brandon Bison's Current Residence in Islamorada, Florida

Brandon Bison was rocking his chair back and forth on the porch of his familiar Islamorada house, skipping rocks on the ocean water, which was startling an iguana sunbathing on the edge of rock.

Brandon: Quenton, I didn't grow up in the tenements, I wasn't raised in the bad side of town, and I didn't have to live surrounded by violence and gruesome crime. The people around me were always good people, and it was nothing like where you grew up. The violence I had to live through was one punch, one punch to the jaw by my own flesh and blood that changed me.

I don't know if you lived through that, and hell, I don't really care. When my dad left it was detrimental to me, and I didn't know it yet, but it was the birth of Brandon Bison. And I couldn't thank my father enough for what he did. He made his scrawny, nerdy son an in-shape, badass pro wrestler.

But I lost something on that day as well. Something I have for only a few people, and that's trust.

One of those people is Dizzy, who is just like you in size. And if I can take down a monster like him, I can take you down. I've got the speed and height advantage on you, and the skill to take down the big, brawling teddy bear you are. It may be your first match in WFWF, but you'll be taking your final breath.

Deep Figure Value
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Dark Matter Mar 25, 2016 16:03:58 GMT -5 via mobile

Post by Deep Figure Value on Mar 25, 2016 16:03:58 GMT -5

I know on your last piece, I'd advised you to find a way to tie the scenes you set in your rps into the point, which is your match. You've done that here, but you've fallen into the first trap that most new guys hit, which is a time, place, and person in place solely to give the character a reason to talk about his or her match. It tends to be so glaringly obvious because it's almost always the character and their friend/partner/etc in a bar/diner/etc so they can get fed some variation on the line "so, you've got a match coming up". It's a springboard to cover the details in a unique setting, but it's so blandly one act play-ish that it's not too exciting to read.

On the up, your dialogue is unusually good for a newcomer, which is awesome in that it's a hurdle you won't have to struggle with as you do make the improvements you need to. Try looking into some thematic writing, incorporating that so that future pieces can tell us more about your character, his opponents, and his motives without being so on the nose. You've got the talent here, which is awesome. It just needs a bit of fine tuning.

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Rated R
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Dark Matter Mar 27, 2016 15:38:22 GMT -5

Post by Rated R on Mar 27, 2016 15:38:22 GMT -5

Brennan basically hit the nail on the head, especially about the "two guys talk about their match for no apparent reason" stuff, I will always be the firmest supporter of nobody ever doing that again.

More importantly though it's becoming apparent that if you stick around then you're definitely going to grow here. You've taken constructive criticism on board and each RP I read by you is an improvement on the last, which is all anybody can ask for really. Keep it up, keep taking the advice you're given and sooner or later you'll nail everything down.

Dex
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Dark Matter Mar 28, 2016 16:00:22 GMT -5

Post by Dex on Mar 28, 2016 16:00:22 GMT -5

As of writing this, I have not read your first few RPs. But I will try to catch up when I have more time.

I'm going to have to agree with the common consensus that the dialogue is used to further the plot by having more involvement in the match. There is nothing wrong with plot driven dialogue, but I think the greater concern is when the fluidity of conversation is sacrificed for the narrative. Keep the conversation fluid, and the message will follow. The monologue at the end of the RP was nice. You have a good foundation that you can continue to build upon. You have an understanding of what an RP is and everything that needs to be accomplished within it. I'd argue that you have mastered the basics, and will only continue to improve with time and experimentation.

jdfranchise
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Dark Matter Mar 28, 2016 16:12:02 GMT -5 via mobile Sizzle likes this

Post by jdfranchise on Mar 28, 2016 16:12:02 GMT -5

Trace and Brennan pretty much nailed my talking points bro, but I want to piggyback off something both of them pointed out. The scene with Jervis and Bison is pretty well written, though I noticed a change in tense during the action parts of the sequence. Not a big deal, a little bit more attention to those small things will fix that. Now if that was meant to be a scene from a couple days prior, then ok, no issue there.

They also pointed out that your rp is formulamatic (scene talking about the match, monologue addressing your opponent). A lot of guys still follow that formula with good success, but I want to know more about the character and I think that's what we've been missing in your work so far. Brandon doesn't strike me as a guy that's all business all the time. Best way to do that is to establish his relationships and its importance in his life.

Listen, you've got a lot of potential and have shown well in tough matches. You're taking a lot of initiative to get better and coming in with a good attitude, which really goes a long way. Keep up the good work man, because I think you have a very high ceilings and I want to see you reach it.

WFWF Accomplishments
2x WFWF World Heavyweight Champion (Current)
1X WFWF International Champion
2X WFWF Tag Team Champion
14th WFWF Triple Crown Winner
2007 WFWF New Breed Tournament Winner

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Dark Matter Apr 1, 2016 1:45:08 GMT -5 Sizzle likes this

Post by Mr. PerpetuaLynch Motion on Apr 1, 2016 1:45:08 GMT -5

I enjoyed this piece actually. One of the main reasons is because it is kind of similar to how I used to write the Justin Tyme character. Is it formulaic as an RP? Perhaps but at the same time you also accomplish everything you need to do heading into a match. And if you do a good job talking about the match or how you plan on winning the match or why winning the match is important to you then really you've checked off the most important box on the checklist in my opinion. Sometimes I think people can almost lose sight of the match in favour of building up a lot of other stuff. You haven't fallen into that trap so many kudos to you.

The only gripe I kind of have isn't with the whole "two guys are at a scene to discuss upcoming match" schtick because it serves a purpose and is a good tool to use as a new-ish RPer as long as you evolve off of it. My only issue is that the dialogue read very much like a wrestling promo rather than a fluid conversation with a long time friend. If you could work on making the tone a little less... stilted I guess would be a word for it? then I think you might be on the right track.