Dr. Mantis Toboggan MD
Main Eventer
I need a monster condom for my magnum sized dong.
Joined on: Nov 25, 2011 16:25:54 GMT -5
Posts: 4,713
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Post by Dr. Mantis Toboggan MD on Apr 28, 2016 20:27:50 GMT -5
Dr. Toboggan is being visited by a patient.
Toboggan: What may I do for you?
Patient: Hello, I am Mr Jackson. I believe I might have hurt my hand. Could you help me out and examine it for me?
Toboggan: Sure, no problem. Please take a seat as I get prepared.
As he gets prepared, Toboggan notices Jackson’s bloody hand. He starts thinking back to all wrong he has done in life. All the people he has hurt, all the lives he has destroyed. He has become numb to it all. He continues working on Mr. Jackson.
Toboggan: It seems that you have a few broken knuckles.
Jackson: Man, I just can’t get any luck lately. I got into a big fight with my old lady last night and punched a wall. You ever just regret something?
Toboggan thinks for a minute and thinks of a slew of things.
Toboggan: No, not off the top of my head. Let’s get you bandaged up and back on the road.
Toboggan sets Jackson’s hand and sets him on his way. Toboggan sits down once Jackson has left and starts deeply contemplating his life. He sheds a single tear.
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Post by Sizzle on Apr 28, 2016 20:30:00 GMT -5
I... I don't know what to say.
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Cameron Stone
Main Eventer
Joined on: Jan 16, 2013 18:16:15 GMT -5
Posts: 2,014
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Post by Cameron Stone on Apr 30, 2016 11:41:53 GMT -5
I'm an advocate for short and sweet, sometimes length isn't important, but this needed to be a little longer as an attachment establishing piece. Also we learn nothing about the character or the match at all. We got more development for Mr. Jackson than for you.
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eljefe
Superstar
Joined on: Oct 2, 2010 17:39:35 GMT -5
Posts: 733
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Post by eljefe on Apr 30, 2016 23:06:56 GMT -5
This reminded me of a vignette. Something that you would see like 2 weeks in advance of the debut. I don't have any other opinion. Which is to say that I don't know what to say.
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Post by Rated R on May 3, 2016 11:01:12 GMT -5
Seriously man... I honestly don't know how to give feedback on this, it was just... this.
Let's go with the tried and trusted go and read other guys work and see what actually works. Then do more of that and less of this. Not to be harsh but I said the same thing last show, so grace period is over.
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Post by jdfranchise on May 3, 2016 17:18:43 GMT -5
Way too short to really give any kind of feedback on, aside from Mantis seems to be at least a guy that may care about his patients. I need more, and I think you can do it.
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Dr. Mantis Toboggan MD
Main Eventer
I need a monster condom for my magnum sized dong.
Joined on: Nov 25, 2011 16:25:54 GMT -5
Posts: 4,713
|
Post by Dr. Mantis Toboggan MD on May 11, 2016 11:12:05 GMT -5
Seriously man... I honestly don't know how to give feedback on this, it was just... this. Let's go with the tried and trusted go and read other guys work and see what actually works. Then do more of that and less of this. Not to be harsh but I said the same thing last show, so grace period is over. Alright, thanks for the feedback. This is this first serious RP I have been apart of and have been slacking because of school. However, I am out of school for the next show, so I'll get it there. I am sorry if I am offending anyone. |
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Post by bad guy™ on May 15, 2016 3:14:27 GMT -5
Seriously man... I honestly don't know how to give feedback on this, it was just... this. Let's go with the tried and trusted go and read other guys work and see what actually works. Then do more of that and less of this. Not to be harsh but I said the same thing last show, so grace period is over. Alright, thanks for the feedback. This is this first serious RP I have been apart of and have been slacking because of school. However, I am out of school for the next show, so I'll get it there. I am sorry if I am offending anyone. Nah you're not offending anyone in the slightest unless they hate DeVito. Which I do. But you're not offending me sir. At least you're committed to showing when booked which is more than a lot of people ever do. It just seems you don't quite get what RPing is. Nothing wrong with having a weird character. Go read some of the other pieces from this show, get an idea of what it is we do here then go from there. I'm sure if you want to you can make Mantis Toboggan work. We had a guy make a crazy manly man who rode around on a 12 headed buck that could fly and craprainbows and that was essentially his whole character. Weird as hell. ...the guy was so damn funny with it he managed to beat one of our best writers and probably could have gotten a singles title shot had he not quit. So literally anything is possible. Just give it some time and effort now that school is out, have fun with it, flesh it out more and I promise you'll see better results in your writing and better feedback from the group. You know I like ya, dude. I just want you to have fun. I'm gonna push you a bit though because while I want you to have fun you've at least gotta try to flesh some stuff out here. |
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