What number is it: 35 - Created in 1985 off the back of Hulkamania, Vince McMahon still thinks it's actually 1985.
Where is it happening: New Jersey - Don't let all of that New York stuff fool you. Not even the NFL wants to pay taxes in that city.
Who is our host: Alexa Bliss - We're not sure if she's hurt or healthy but the longer we get to look at her, the better.
Musical performance - Forget that rock legend Joan Jett is performing Ronda Rousey's entrance live, it's Elias the people want to see. I'm positive this will be his first uninterrupted set in WWE history.
Matches so far:
Ronda Rousey(c) vs Charlotte(c) vs Becky Lynch - Raw and Smackdown Women's Title: Off the heels of winning the Royal Rumble, Becky Lynch has limped around Raw and Smackdown for two straight months. Ronda Rousey told everyone wrestling was fake but continues to get roasted on Twitter by everyone, most specifically by Becky. Charlotte just keeps getting added to title matches, despite it making absolutely no sense at all. There were LOTS of fake cops. I mean tons of them. And Ronda Rousey drove a car with no hands.
Brock Lesnar(c) vs Seth Rollins - Universal Title: Seth Rollins is super sick of Brock not showing up for work. Everyone else in the audience is pissed at him, too. Paul Heyman respects Rollins' skill, and kind of pees a little in his pants every time he hears his music, but it's Suplex City time, b*tch!
Daniel Bryan(c) vs Kofi Kingston - WWE Title: Kofi is black and so Vince McMahon said no way in hell are you wrestling for my title, pal. But then Kofi won a gauntlet match, only to actually lose a gauntlet match. But then Big E and Xavier won a tag team gauntlet match by joining the Usos prison gang, and by beating up some dirty hippies to send Kofi to Mania against Bryan.
Batista vs Triple H - Triple H's in-ring career on the line: Batista helped save Ric Flair from a heart attack by dragging him to medical attention on his birthday, of all days. Then he yelled at Triple H to give him what he wants, which is what you do for celebrities when they visit WWE. Batista cut some righteous promos from a throne room he has in his house and there was quite a bit of talk about Paul and Dave. I think they're an 80s cover band that Evolution enjoyed back in the 2000s. Anyway, Triple H is so confident that Batista is going to have a serious case of ring rust from not performing for the last five years that he put his career on the line. He apparently doesn't know that Batista has been in WWE the entire time but was just completely invisible.
AJ Styles vs Randy Orton: Randy Orton still doesn't like guys who wrestled in high school gyms. After a Dixie Carter reference and some banter about who actually paid for a house they both own, AJ Styles ran down Randy's extreme case of nepotism and referenced the babysitters club on his way to proposing a confrontation at WrestleMania.
Kurt Angle vs Baron Corbin - Kurt Angle Retirement: Kurt has been on a rampage of rollups and gasping for air, but ultimately, it's time to call it quits. In a surprise that sent the Twitterverse into a frenzy, Angle announced that his last match would not come against Dean Ambrose, The Undertaker, John Cena, AJ Styles, or Samoa Joe, but rather the hostess from Fridays and your favorite ska band super fan, Baron Corbin. In one of the single greatest go-home Raw main events in history, Corbin beat Rey Mysterio in a match that had nothing to do with anything, but he received an Ankle Lock from Angle just as a final reminder to respect your elders. Oh it's sad, damn sad.
Shane McMahon vs The Miz - Falls Count Anywhere: Shane McMahon is the Superstar of the Year and Miz is just happy to be his friend. Shane turned out to be a real d*ck though when he attacked Miz's dad and told Miz he was just excess baggage. Miz is going to make his dad proud on Sunday by beating up his boss in every corner of MetLife Stadium in a FCA match. Also, Miz's wife Maryse is a 10/10 smoke show MILF. This has nothing to do with the match but please make sure to watch Miz & Mrs. every Tuesday at 10pm ET on the USA Network.
Samoa Joe(c) vs Rey Mysterio - US Title: I'm actually not even sure how we got this feud. R-Truth was dancing, telling everyone how handsome he thought John Cena was in Bumblebee, and then out came Samoa Joe to choke him out and end his party. A conspiracy if I've ever seen one. Rey Mysterio kept getting beat by the artist formerly known as Andrade Cien Almas, but I guess he got tired of that because now he's facing Joe after coming off a grueling loss to a guy with a waiter gimmick.
Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre: Roman Reigns is in this match but Drew McIntyre definitely wants to fight Joe. So I guess Drew is mostly pissed he just has to keep beating up Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns instead of getting Joe. Roman Reigns had cancer, so he's probably not as good as he once was, but I'm positive he'll be as well booked once, as he ever was.
Bobby Lashley(c) vs Finn Balor - IC Title: Balor won the title, but then he lost the title, but then he went on a run of quality cruiserweight matches against Bobby's mouthy manager, Lio Rush. After weeks of torment, Balor finally decided he was sick of all this noise and he's going to come out as the Demon at Mania and just squash Lashley since the Demon is undefeated and Finn Balor is just a regular guy, with a cool jacket. But also, Lashley doesn't believe in fairy tales. I hope for Lashley's sake that he doesn't leave his wife unattended during Mania on the off chance that Scott Steiner is in attendance.
Boss n' Hug Connection(c) vs Divas of Doom vs IIconics vs The Samoa Bacon Squad - Women's Tag Title: The IIconics just wanted to be invited to WrestleMania, Natty is doing it for Anvil, Beth is doing it for women everywhere, Tamina and Nia were told there would be free food in catering and Bailey and Sasha are just looking to cry at the first possible chance they get. Anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation!
Buddy Murphy(c) vs Toney Nese - Cruiserweight Title: Tony Nese won a grueling tournament to crown Buddy Murphy's number one contender. Oney Lorcan was the stand out of the tournament but he's not from New York. Buddy Murphy is a real hoser and surely the crowd will rally around the hometown hero with abs of Poseidon? Tony Nese doesn't realize that Buddy Murphy has already won, for win or lose, he slept with Alexa Bliss, a bunch of times.
Andre Battle Royal: We have no idea why but the Hardys are definitely in this match. Braun Strowman has choked a b*tch, wrecked a car, and pretty much threatened to kill Michael Che and, more specifically, Colin Jost, of SNL "fame," live at WrestleMania. Titus O'Neil is confirmed for this match. So there is a chance it could turn out wildly entertaining.
Women's Battle Royal: I mean Charlotte took the title from Asuka for no reason on a random Tuesday night. What else were they going to do with her?
2019 Hall of Fame InducteesD-Generation X - Triple H might be a B+ player, but at least his kids stopped Googling Chyna's porn so we could get her into the HOF!
Honky Tonk Man - He might be bitter, but at least now he's got a new ring he can hock on eBay.
Torrie Wilson - Proof that you can do anything, if you're super hot.
Harlem Heat - Stevie Ray vs Dave Meltzer might be the best built feud WWE has heading into Mania weekend.
Sue Aitchison: Warrior Award - She has 30 years of pictures with WWE Superstars, including the goat Shawn Michaels. No brainer.
The Hart Foundation - No, not THAT Hart Foundation. The one that was just the tag team. The one without Owen, or Pillman, or Bulldog.
Brutus The 
ing Barber Beefcake - He was over kid! So was Ryback. He's in my mullet hall of fame though and that counts, baby!
I dont know good luck ![Rated [R] NinJa Avatar](http://storage.proboards.com/530008/avatar/IDIYNeRTVZulhCPXFiqx.png)
