Hey brother; don't feel bad man.
I have struggled a lot too; lately. It's okay to not be okay. I think the best stories; are the ones with the most twists and turns. Even though life can be a pain in the ass a lot of the time; those of us with complex stories I think live a very memorable life. But then again; we all face struggles. To those of us who've hard dark times; it seems life is darker now feeling the world is going through dark time.
I am proud you are still here man; and I know you love your wife and your family a lot by reading this. It's truly okay to hurt like this. The fact you got up; and even lived is what matters. Sometimes that pain debilitates us so much. It's like a bullet through your leg; so recovering. It's okay not to walk the first day; hell just moving is recovering. But; recovery isn't linear. You'll get through this man; and better days are ahead is what I try to instill in myself.
Life is hard; and I know that pain. Just told tight to what you do love; it will pull you through. It's okay to seek help; through therapy. Or finding help through other outlets. Sometimes it does feel exhausting; and it feels like you get knocked on your ass. Then; you stumble and get knocked again. Even if it's just you squirming on the ground a inch; it's recovering.
We really don't value mental health in the first world. And we sacrifice a lot of our happiness for stupid social ideas. Yes; we should be greatful we have food to eat. We have all these gadgets; and we live in a time where global warfare (fingers crossed); disease are better controlled. But we still go through hard times; and in the advancement of humanity; we continue to feel very intense feelings as we explore concepts.
I always struggled as a kid; I was tortured by other school children. I was a chunky little guy; I liked wrestling; had long hair; and was loved by my maternal side grandparents who raised me as theres. I was harressed; assaulted; demoralized and over time it made me very hateful. I love my mother (grandmother) to death; but she is very verbally and mentally abusive. From body shaming me even as a fit adult; blamed me for being bullied. Being that I was to ''complicated'' and blamed me for all my issues growing up. I grew up watching my older brother struggle with drug addiction.
I was raised in upper middle class family; but money got little tight after the 2008 recession. But; my other relatives still are racking in 6 figure salaries after taxes. I was seen as star prodigy as kid growing up regardless of my ''emotional flaws''. I was cut out to be politician; lawyer; Military Intelligence; something big. I was somewhat was raised to frown on poor people/lower middle class; and got snobby and pretty judgmental as I reached my early teen years. I was pretty much convinced I had to support this political party; go to college; cut my hair; no tattoos; just be this perfect all American suburban boy.
I always was soft spoken kid though; very polite. I was very respectful to my teachers; but I was tormented by a few of them. And was consistently embarrassed in middle school PE for being pudgy; and just not into sports. I was very out of shape; but I was 14. My hormones are going crazy; all I wanna do is eat chips, drink soda, hop on Wfigs; study my homework when I get home. I thought something was wrong me with because I couldn't do a push up; I thought I was bad a kid.
I was really good at school; and most likely would of got a full ride or like 70% of one. But; I never was fantastic at Math. My sophomore year; my brothers drug addiction was spiraling out of control. When your brother is tweaked out on Meth; and has your parents gun laying on the bed it's pretty f***ing scary.
I started to struggle in school; my flaws in mathmatics and Chemistry. And I hated always being seen as weak. My family started to distance and shun me; because of my school performance. And I just liked hanging with who made me feel happy; if it was the Heavy metal kids; it was them. If it was the stoners; it was them.
None the less; I got into one of my most serious relationships with a girl. And I thought I found love; it really wasn't. But; I was 16; it was love as I knew it. My brother was found dead nodded out outside of a house in the more trashy side of town. We really don't know if he was set up; suicidal; or it was accidental OD. He was like a chemist with drugs; so he always knew how was much was enough.
He died on the January 2nd 2017; but we didn't know till the 10th.
My family just saw it as back to business. And I was screaming for help; with nothing really helping. My Girlfriend ended up cheating on me 3 weeks later; dumping me on that one Superbowl where the Patriots made that crazy comeback (That was pretty damn crazy) I started working out; because I got so tired of being looked at is as weak and fat. I struggled in school; because I just couldn't keep up with all of the hurt. Later on I get disowned by my Aunt and Uncle; and my family had huge falling out. My mom and I knocked heads all the time; My dad had to get pacemaker in he blacked out and nearly crashed while driving me to school. I started picking fights at school; and got pretty crazy for minute.
I had this phobia of driving; and total fear; I didn't get over till last year.
I just felt like kid who had it all; even if I emotionally wasn't all there and I lost it all.
Looking back on it my Freshmen year; my HS years seem so squared away. I was in the School's Italian language program; I was going to study German. I was taking accelerated English and History. I was either going to get scholarship; or go into the Military and get out; then go to school.
I started going to parties a lot; and honestly I had a lot of fun. I put on this act of being the bad boy; I had tattoo's at 16/17; long hair; just this look. I went to wrestling school; but I lacked the discipline.
I met my girlfriend; who actually taught me a lot of why I feel this way. And why I am so angry; and I never saw it as this issue that stemmed from being kid. And the issue as it's core. I fought to graduate High School; I found a job in Law Enforcement I wanted. It took a while; but I got there. In the meantime; I worked a bunch of odd jobs and various gigs.
I got hired as Correction Officer; and was the youngest officer at my Jail.
I was well liked by one of my Sgt's; and he advocated for me to go to Corporal when I hit my one year. But; I was around a lot of envious people and the administration and I had issues. It was County Jail that was literal circus with how it was ran and operated (my safety was put on the line; in stuff that should of not been safety issue) and that's story in it's own right. They were very angry; I was looking to transfer; and that ended that.
So I felt something I work for crumble in on me; my mom once again flaunted that in my face; various fights with my girlfriend and I felt it destroyed my life for while. My life feels very start-stop-go-stop - go.
My biological mom passed away; Christmas this year was morbid; I have series of sleeping issues now; I constantly feel stressed; and I am not entirely over what happened at my County Jail.
Lately my fitness; Pic Fedding; friends; dogs; family; this forum; my girlfriend; and the small things in this life is what keeps me going. My biological mom's death brought back feeling of what my family went through 4 years ago. As well was; as Christmas this year had morbid feeling.
However; I am looking to go to the State Pen; that offers more opportunity. The grass isn't always green'er but might as well try? Lately I feel such lack of motivation to live; and keep on. And I feel so sorry for myself; and I don't like that. But; One of my good buddies; who also left our county jail sent me this.
And it gave me something to hold onto.
I didn't mean to bring myself into this; just seen it as forum to vent and help others with venting about trauma. I am little to long winded in my stories; but I am attuned to detail. If you ever wanna PM man; I am all ears. And I can give you my Facebook contact info or anything that would help you reach me. You are in my thoughts and prayers brother.