Odium: "Youth-In-Asia"

Great detail, but something I don't like is the concept. You always got the idea through in your RPs, but the narrator idea seems counter-productive. I know I've owed you some feedback, and this RP is good. But not your best.
Structure, speech, description were all on par. But I just don't like the narrator and your focuse didn't seem like it was fully on MOD. Good luck at Odium.

- I understand your approach, but you're going about it the wrong way. First I have to point out; Never specify the narrator as it's own individual being. By characterizing the narrator, you then make him inside the world you're building, and not, as the narrator is designed to be, outside looking in. You also fall into a lot of missteps by seemingly cutting off your train of thought before it can really paint the visual picture. For example;

"His eyes rolled back into his head and his nostrils filled with the life giving force through tubules that lead themselves from a machine. The wrinkles upon his face seemingly swallowed his eyes and mouth though slits could be distinguished. His pale complexion could be thought to be merely that of a dead man himself but life still writhed in the creature that lie helpless in his bed. His life hangs on the electric of cords that if slipped could end his existence and send him on in peace."

By writing that, you create four sentences that could be easily stretched out to two, three paragraphs. By simply listing off facts, you paint no visual picture or no theme. When writing they say analyze and interpret. You bring up the tubes, but not what they specifically do, what color they are, how long, where they connect. You bring up the wrinkles in his face but not the color of his complexion, expression in what's left of his face, or body position. You talk about cords but, once again, no details as to what they do or why they're even there. Sure, an educated mind knows the purpose, but you can't rely on that. In order to present a setting like this, people have to understand what they're looking at and by just reading this, they can't do that.


- You're going into sort of a first and third person perspective shift, which I can appreciate, but you definitely need to work on how to present that rather than character specifications. Remember, when you write someone saying something, that means speech. You need to find a way to present thinking differently from narrative and different from speech. Otherwise, it's all the same, and it's all the same perspective. That, clearly, isn't your intention I assume.


- You've got a potentially interesting concept but, without sounding too harsh, you really don't present this as if it's actually thinking as well as a conversation as well as narrative. It reads very flat and almost like play you'd read in sixth grade English as study. I don't mean to mock, but I'm trying to tell you what you need to work on. In order to be a believable character, you have to establish serious integrity and character. I really just don't see that here.

Imagination is great as long as it's consistant and well-written.

Check out my archive forum for some great work to read be inspired by;

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