|
|
Post by lax5 on Feb 10, 2007 20:38:09 GMT -5
** The scene opens to an open field of grass. Smoke covers the sky as the camera pans. The grass sways to the west as some grabble lays in it. The camera reveals a dirt road. Sounds are heard in the distance, but too far away to be deciphered. The camera continues to pan until a missile is heard exploding. Dirt flies everywhere as the missile shatters everywhere. Commands are heard, and out from the smoke run soldiers. One man stops and directs traffic as the other men run and assume their positions. The commander fires his gun. The camera man backs up to safety as the men continue to fight. Suddenly, the camera pans to reveal Joey Phenomenal sitting on an abandoned tank. Joey watches in awe at the battle. He quickly looks at the camera. ** Joey: Army men. It doesn’t matter where they’re from, or who they fight for. They all obey and stick together. They are taught to fight. They are paired up, and stick with their squad like family. ** Joey continues to watch the battle. ** Joey: Last week, my partner Sam-X and I lost our debut match. We should have won! No matter, this week is different. The odds are on our side. We are stuck in a handicap match with a man named Obo. What kind of name is that? This man seems like a bum. But he has earned his respect in WFWF. The owners of WFWF think we will just job to some queer? They are wrong. Sam and I are not just some normal team. We aren’t just stuck together like everyone else here. We have a history. We have been friends for almost 9 years. Obo, you’re out of your element saying we’re not a team. We are more than a team, we are brothers. ** Joey begins to get angry. He calms himself down and adjusts hit position on the tank. He stands up and grabs the tanks barrel. Joey looks on as the camera pans. It shows the soldiers running towards a bunker in the woods. The massive pine trees sway side to side in the gust of wind. The men hold their helmets and follow their commander. ** Joey: Everyone in WFWF is like this. They all follow the rules of the GM’s. And everyone is biased against us new comers. The New Phenomenon will change that. We will earn our title shots this week. We will defeat the veteran Obo. Obo, you say we need to earn everything in WFWF. Don’t preach us that shit! We know the rules. We are the best damn tag team in wrestling history. Last week, we were screwed. This week is different. Like I said, the sun will rise. This is a new week. We will show WFWF how to earn something. We have the heart, we have the integrity, and we have the ability. Sam and I will defeat Obo, and move on to the tag titles. I won’t be pushed around here. If I have to, I will lead this team to greatness. I will establish us gods among men here in WFWF. ** Joey points to the battle. One of the men gets shot down. Suddenly, the whole squad stops. Two of the men cover the other two. One of the men helping the wounded soldier pulls out a medical bag. The men work as a team together to help their wounded partner. Joey watches as they help their fellow soldier. Joey smiles as the team gets up and assumes the battle. ** Joey: Did you see that? The men worked as one unity. When one of them failed, they all failed and helped. And they moved on. This is just like what happened last week. Sam and I failed, but we help each other. Sam and I find out what we did wrong and improve on it. Obo, Sam and I are just stronger and more intelligent than we were last week. We will defeat you and show WFWF that we mean business. Like that soldier, Sam won’t let me die, and I won’t let him. In other words, we don’t let each other fail. ** The camera pans back to the battle. It shows one of the soldiers getting in hand-to-hand combat with an enemy soldier. It shows the soldiers companion running up and helping his fellow soldier out. They both defeat their enemy and move on. ** Joey: What just happened is a prime example of what is to come. And it has a deeper meaning. The two men worked together. They used all they learned, what they trained for, and what they dreamed for. The two soldiers acted together, as a team, and defeated their enemy. Obo, Sam and I have the numbers on you. But we have more. We have the brotherhood. We have the bond Obo. What will you have? This is a handicap match. Sam and I have been together for too long to fail here in WFWF. These men are more than just soldiers. They are brothers. Sam and I are more than just a tag team, we are brothers. We are all, in a way, a band of brothers. At FDS, we will show the world of WFWF that we will die and come back for our title shot. ** Joey looks to sky as the smoke clears away. For a split second, the sun shines brightly on Joey. The camera then fades to black as the WFWF logo wipes across the screen. ** |
|
|
|
Post by cureforthesickness on Feb 11, 2007 5:36:48 GMT -5
not bad, persay, but at times a bit repetitive. You say they are soldiers, that they work together. Go further. Go deeper. You're a team, like the soldiers. After the third time, it gets kind of repetitive.
I'd also avoid TV style effects like "the camera pans" and stuff like that. It's better to just write roleplays in first, second, or third person. Like, instead of saying "the camera pans to show a grey sky" say "the sky is a darkened shade, almost grey, leaving the entire area in a cloak of semi-darkness". Obviously not word for word, but something like that. Describing outside of camera descriptions opens up new avenues. This is also not to say "never use the camera" because for some stuff, it works and works well. Just for standard roleplays, avoid camera usage.
|
|
|
|
Post by lax5 on Feb 11, 2007 12:24:50 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice.
|
|
Revvie®
Main Eventer
Somewhere between Reality, and the Absurd
Joined on: Jun 29, 2005 1:04:26 GMT -5
Posts: 4,327
|
Post by Revvie® on Feb 11, 2007 14:39:53 GMT -5
-Dont Use Camera-..unless your basing your rp on something like it...just for now, b/c your new, avoid it, its boring, its tacky and its needless. The Rp wasn't so bad, but there is plenty of places to improve. As Obo said there was some repetitive speech and description in it really. Yes you tried to make different comparisions each time which was good but at the end or really around the middle of each set of speech you got right back on the same thing you said on that last paragraph of speech. The point is there are numerous ways to say one thing, that is true but in a rp there ussually is only need to say something once. if you want to say your the best and plan to win, save it untill the end and end with it, dont repeat the line, it just bulks up an rp to make it look big but really is short in actual content. Overal your description was ok, just expand a little more and add some details in there. I would say after every rp you write, go back and improve on the description and look over the speech of repetitive remarks. I think you have alot of pontential in description, I know its early on but I can really see it. Work on it and try to make it work for you. This rp in a nutshell had some elements rps should have that most newbs dont really understand for awhile and also within this are alot of trademark mistakes that all of us make at the beginning. The repetive "Im going to win, im going to beat you up" sort of speech is how most start. Learn to keep yourself from doing that, it will help you later. One of the things you have going for you is your comparisons. You have made you match out to be similar to the surroundings, which is a great thing to see in a new guy. I told you want you could work on, if you keep it up I'm sure you will get better and better and prolly if you stick with it, you will main event someday. I see alot of Raw Talent in you...I dont see that very often but yea. Revvie 
|
|
|
|
Post by sonstuds on Feb 11, 2007 15:08:41 GMT -5
Far be it from me to ever knock someone for their description, but you really need to expand. I mean, you're basically watching a war and we have no idea where you are, why your character is in the middle of a war with a camera man filming it and no one noticing it, if it's a war reenactment, etc. Because of the lack of depth and information, what could be a unique setting ends up looking flat and illogical. It just seems kind of weird someone would be standing in the middle of what's apparently a war-zone. But like Rev said, you ended up so that you had a reason to be there. The war had a point to what your character was saying, and that's good.
The speech wasn't bad, but considering the setting and the constant "we're like soldiers" point, it was kind of pounding it in when the reader got it from the beginning. As Obo said, you need to expand on your overall points. Some of the things you said came off sounding really unnatural, like
The bolded part is unnecessary, and goes into my point of pounding an idea in. I understood what you meant by not letting him die, so no need to try and clarify for me incase I didn't. In that type of situation, there's no need to try and make sure the reader gets it. If it's something simple and non-complicated, just assume they'll understand. When you start doing the "in other words...", it only hurts the roleplay.
One of the things I really hate is the whole "we're the best tag team in history". Considering you just talked about losing last week, and this is your second (?) match, it's kind of cookie cutter. Now, I understand that's done in real life, that people do it here (I did), but when you don't expand on why you're the best it's not good and doesn't give your character much depth. I'm not telling you to change your gimmick, just try and go with a more fresh approach to it.
You're a good new roleplayer. You have most of the real basic stuff down, just need to expand.
|
|
|
|
Post by lax5 on Feb 11, 2007 22:13:59 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I'll take your advise next RP.
|
|
