Post by Revvie® on Feb 15, 2007 18:22:44 GMT -5
Exodus 3:14
-And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.-
*~*~*~*~*
//// Memory \\\\
My release, not from the bounds of this shell but from the hell that is this house of sickness and disease. It had been weeks since my arrival and all but one had been spent in disgust and self loathing. Today though was a new day, a day of revival, a day of repentance, it was the day I faced my destiny without fear. All the things I had learned coursed through my veins, feeding my ambition to better myself. Kyzer had stripped me of my dignity and caused doubt in my faith, but today that would hinder me not because "only through resolution will we achieve absolution". I have had enough time spent trading my sorrows for more sorrows. I skimmed the hallway, it was empty and seemed to stray far from where I stood. A hint of light glistened at the end but it seemed so distant, possibly non-existent. I started upon my journey but I could not move, paralysis seemed to have taken hold. I struggled but nothing moved, nothing contracted, only silence within my muscles, this I knew to be true. The hall swirled into what looked to be a black hole, it pulled and pulled but i moved not. I wanted to go forth and become part of its mystery, part of its mystique, part of something bigger then I. Selflessness, I had none, I had done all I had for myself until now. Despite my longing, I was implanted into the ground, incapable of letting go and becoming the inevitable. This is what change had done to me, my crucifixion had given unto me a new understanding past my own desires. Then my balanced began to slip, it was pulling me, was I letting it? I don't know, I cant know, I feel myself letting go. Then as I strayed from the path I saw her, the one who was to save me the one who had saved me, the one I let go....Sarah.
Sarah: We trade one sorrow for another, Only through Resolution will we achieve Absolution.
"What, but I feel no sorrow, I don't understand! Sarah, Sarah please don't leave me again...PLEASE!"
She started to fade, her face melted from her and she became but a puddle of my past destruction. It was my fault she left me, my fault I let her go. She had ask me not to leave, she had ask me for forgiveness and I gave it not. That day I could see it inside me, the walls surrounding began to change. I could see it all again as it happened, I was helpless to stop it.
()()()()
Sarah: No, Jason please don't leave, I am sorry, please understand!
"You did it to yourself, I mean I gave you everything and I did nothing to deserve this, I mean you told my father, my father, what did you think was going to happen!"
Sarah: He had a right to know Jason, you know its not only your child, its our child.
"I just ask for a little time, thats all I wanted was time to think about how to tell him. Then you go off and do it without my permission and expect me to understand."
Sarah: Your being foolish, this is not a bad thing, he did not take it badly. This should be a happy day and your acting like having this child will be death to you.
"You just don't understand and you never will!"
()()()()
I could see myself leaving, I yelled for me to stop but it was to late, it had already happened. The memory began to flake away and it too was swallowed into the black hole that was my life. It took everything and gave nothing in return, it was desolate and cold and loved every minute of its existence. I could feel it purging all the joy and happiness from me, leaving me as empty as it itself was. This was my world, the one I created by my own design, I fell and could not find myself and I find what I thought to be God. But in so I had only really found myself and I idolized me and worshiped me in hopes of validating all I had hoped for. Not anymore today is a new day, a day of revelation and rebirth.
//// Present Day \\\\
I awoke in a cold sweat, it was happening again, the nightmares. They were all so vivid, so real, to real. The world is a nightmare with mere fleeting moments of great warmth. That much is what I have been certain of all my life. I had my match with McGurk coming up, and it was but another haunting memory that hasn't even happened yet. I pulled myself forward and quickly jumped into some suitable clothing and made my way out the door. There was snow on the ground, this was home, my true home. I had stayed at my moms last night, she didn't mind to much, it amused her to have me around a bit. I trudged along, it was knee deep as was I in my child hood memories. So many things had transpired about this small town, it was once beautiful but over time it lost what made it so special to me.
I made my way along the empty and snow ridden streets, catching glimpses of the past with every glance. It was so much to take in but it was important that I did so. McGurk crept into my head and I could not free myself from the thought. Kyzer had a similar effect once, but I had long since over came my fear, so why now. Was it the similarities or was it something else, was it just me? I could not pinpoint it but quickly my thoughts came to a startling halt as I spotted someone I was sure that I recognized.
"Justin...Justin is that you?"
The head in the distance flickered around before settling on me and running towards through the snow as fast as he could.
Justin: No way, Jason! How have you been man? I mean its been like what 7 years now? I don't know but its nice to see you so yea, whats up?
Justin was a man I trusted with the world when I was younger, he gave me his all in a friend and when I turned my back on this town it was hard to let him go. He never judged me, never cared what I did unless I ask him for his perspective. A true friend like that is hard to find and I left it behind, as I had everything else. I quickly stopped myself from stalling any longer and let go my tongue.
"Yea, it has been quite awhile, but I was in the state for business and decided to stay the night here and take a walk today before I have to work tomorrow."
Justin: Really? What are you doing now? Wait, don't tell me, your a preacher, did I guess it?
"Something like that yea."
I didn't wish to dive any farther into my life, I know he would not judge but for now its for the best. So many things coursing through my head, I just didn't need another concern at the moment.
Justin: So yea, hey you know what would be cool, maybe like later tonight we could hang out. I can round up a bunch of the gang. Around eight-ish, does that sound cool?
"Yea, sure, I'll be there man."
Justin: Awesome, I will see you then.
//// Memory \\\\
She was beautiful, the dress was perfect and everything would be as planned. Prom night a special night for everyone. Justin stared at me for a moment before finally asking me something. We had all road in a limo together. Sarah and I and Justin and his date Samantha, Justin had been looking at me questioningly all night and finally said what he had been thinking.
Justin: So do you think your going to marry her? I mean with the baby on the way and all?
"I don't know what I am going to do man, I know this much, tonight we will both enjoy without worries. Tomorrow I will concern myself more in that area, I just cant be bummed out by it now man."
Justin: You should be happy, she loves you more then anything and I know you feel the same. Not to many people really find that, my advice to you is don't screw it up.
"Yea, I hear ya."
Did I really hear him, or did I just ignore him. It was mostly just a blur now but I remember one glistening detail, the final dance of the evening. Sarah had wrapped her arms around me and I held her tightly as we caressed one another. It was perfect as I looked into her eyes and I could see my reflection, but I saw it how she saw me.
Sarah: This is so perfect, I never want to leave this moment.
"I know and I want you to know right now that I love you and I think this child will bring us even closer. I want us to have the baby, I really do"
Sarah: Jason, its great to hear you say that.
I could feel her words and that last embrace before everything shattered and we went our separate ways. I couldn't remember much after that final blissful moment, all I could muster up was the screams and yelling before it ended.
//// Present Day \\\\
I motioned myself in front of the door, tempted to know but wanting not what I knew lie inside it. Was it because what was inside was truly who I was or who I wasn't? I did not know and nor did I have time to think upon. The door swung open and there stood Justin in all his intoxicated glory, he must have gotten an early start. As I made my way in I scanned the room and saw many familiar faces that I was sure I would never seen again. My heart sunk, I felt at home and I despise that I did, why did I not feel at home in my new life, why here and not there. I struggled with every thought as they welcomed me in. This was home, this was me.
~*Sermon to McGurk*~
All my life I struggled to find my footing, to find if I had any at all. I fell and I got back up and I fell again all for the sake of myself. I didn't know the truth, not until now do I really realize where I stand and who I am to be. McGurk I have watched you, studied you, and I understand you because I use to be you. That is why I despise you so much, your that part of me that won't leave me be, wont let me get on with my life. It eats at me and haunts my every dream and spares not any energy to consume my soul and take me back. I stand now a man redeemed of that, a man who doesn't dwell on the past but excepts it now. I sat in fear for so long of men like you and Kyzer and even Obo. I looked to God for answers when all the while all I had to do was look to myself. You see Regret and Hate can become all one knows and eventually one can fool themselves into believing that justice is for them to give. I was wrong but not in the fact of justice is to be dealt by my hand but instead for the reasoning why. I use to believe I hated all men who were vial and disgusting but I hate no more. I except that we all must exist for the other to exist and for one to change, one before him has to. It's a cycle that is now all to clear for me to see and soon McGurk you will become a part of that cycle.
With Ascension just ahead and my past coming to a point of closure, I can now see the light that eluded my every waking moment. Spending ones life in darkness and intoxicating fear will only lead to the same outcome. Failure. Amen.
-And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.-
*~*~*~*~*
//// Memory \\\\
My release, not from the bounds of this shell but from the hell that is this house of sickness and disease. It had been weeks since my arrival and all but one had been spent in disgust and self loathing. Today though was a new day, a day of revival, a day of repentance, it was the day I faced my destiny without fear. All the things I had learned coursed through my veins, feeding my ambition to better myself. Kyzer had stripped me of my dignity and caused doubt in my faith, but today that would hinder me not because "only through resolution will we achieve absolution". I have had enough time spent trading my sorrows for more sorrows. I skimmed the hallway, it was empty and seemed to stray far from where I stood. A hint of light glistened at the end but it seemed so distant, possibly non-existent. I started upon my journey but I could not move, paralysis seemed to have taken hold. I struggled but nothing moved, nothing contracted, only silence within my muscles, this I knew to be true. The hall swirled into what looked to be a black hole, it pulled and pulled but i moved not. I wanted to go forth and become part of its mystery, part of its mystique, part of something bigger then I. Selflessness, I had none, I had done all I had for myself until now. Despite my longing, I was implanted into the ground, incapable of letting go and becoming the inevitable. This is what change had done to me, my crucifixion had given unto me a new understanding past my own desires. Then my balanced began to slip, it was pulling me, was I letting it? I don't know, I cant know, I feel myself letting go. Then as I strayed from the path I saw her, the one who was to save me the one who had saved me, the one I let go....Sarah.
Sarah: We trade one sorrow for another, Only through Resolution will we achieve Absolution.
"What, but I feel no sorrow, I don't understand! Sarah, Sarah please don't leave me again...PLEASE!"
She started to fade, her face melted from her and she became but a puddle of my past destruction. It was my fault she left me, my fault I let her go. She had ask me not to leave, she had ask me for forgiveness and I gave it not. That day I could see it inside me, the walls surrounding began to change. I could see it all again as it happened, I was helpless to stop it.
()()()()
Sarah: No, Jason please don't leave, I am sorry, please understand!
"You did it to yourself, I mean I gave you everything and I did nothing to deserve this, I mean you told my father, my father, what did you think was going to happen!"
Sarah: He had a right to know Jason, you know its not only your child, its our child.
"I just ask for a little time, thats all I wanted was time to think about how to tell him. Then you go off and do it without my permission and expect me to understand."
Sarah: Your being foolish, this is not a bad thing, he did not take it badly. This should be a happy day and your acting like having this child will be death to you.
"You just don't understand and you never will!"
()()()()
I could see myself leaving, I yelled for me to stop but it was to late, it had already happened. The memory began to flake away and it too was swallowed into the black hole that was my life. It took everything and gave nothing in return, it was desolate and cold and loved every minute of its existence. I could feel it purging all the joy and happiness from me, leaving me as empty as it itself was. This was my world, the one I created by my own design, I fell and could not find myself and I find what I thought to be God. But in so I had only really found myself and I idolized me and worshiped me in hopes of validating all I had hoped for. Not anymore today is a new day, a day of revelation and rebirth.
//// Present Day \\\\
I awoke in a cold sweat, it was happening again, the nightmares. They were all so vivid, so real, to real. The world is a nightmare with mere fleeting moments of great warmth. That much is what I have been certain of all my life. I had my match with McGurk coming up, and it was but another haunting memory that hasn't even happened yet. I pulled myself forward and quickly jumped into some suitable clothing and made my way out the door. There was snow on the ground, this was home, my true home. I had stayed at my moms last night, she didn't mind to much, it amused her to have me around a bit. I trudged along, it was knee deep as was I in my child hood memories. So many things had transpired about this small town, it was once beautiful but over time it lost what made it so special to me.
I made my way along the empty and snow ridden streets, catching glimpses of the past with every glance. It was so much to take in but it was important that I did so. McGurk crept into my head and I could not free myself from the thought. Kyzer had a similar effect once, but I had long since over came my fear, so why now. Was it the similarities or was it something else, was it just me? I could not pinpoint it but quickly my thoughts came to a startling halt as I spotted someone I was sure that I recognized.
"Justin...Justin is that you?"
The head in the distance flickered around before settling on me and running towards through the snow as fast as he could.
Justin: No way, Jason! How have you been man? I mean its been like what 7 years now? I don't know but its nice to see you so yea, whats up?
Justin was a man I trusted with the world when I was younger, he gave me his all in a friend and when I turned my back on this town it was hard to let him go. He never judged me, never cared what I did unless I ask him for his perspective. A true friend like that is hard to find and I left it behind, as I had everything else. I quickly stopped myself from stalling any longer and let go my tongue.
"Yea, it has been quite awhile, but I was in the state for business and decided to stay the night here and take a walk today before I have to work tomorrow."
Justin: Really? What are you doing now? Wait, don't tell me, your a preacher, did I guess it?
"Something like that yea."
I didn't wish to dive any farther into my life, I know he would not judge but for now its for the best. So many things coursing through my head, I just didn't need another concern at the moment.
Justin: So yea, hey you know what would be cool, maybe like later tonight we could hang out. I can round up a bunch of the gang. Around eight-ish, does that sound cool?
"Yea, sure, I'll be there man."
Justin: Awesome, I will see you then.
//// Memory \\\\
She was beautiful, the dress was perfect and everything would be as planned. Prom night a special night for everyone. Justin stared at me for a moment before finally asking me something. We had all road in a limo together. Sarah and I and Justin and his date Samantha, Justin had been looking at me questioningly all night and finally said what he had been thinking.
Justin: So do you think your going to marry her? I mean with the baby on the way and all?
"I don't know what I am going to do man, I know this much, tonight we will both enjoy without worries. Tomorrow I will concern myself more in that area, I just cant be bummed out by it now man."
Justin: You should be happy, she loves you more then anything and I know you feel the same. Not to many people really find that, my advice to you is don't screw it up.
"Yea, I hear ya."
Did I really hear him, or did I just ignore him. It was mostly just a blur now but I remember one glistening detail, the final dance of the evening. Sarah had wrapped her arms around me and I held her tightly as we caressed one another. It was perfect as I looked into her eyes and I could see my reflection, but I saw it how she saw me.
Sarah: This is so perfect, I never want to leave this moment.
"I know and I want you to know right now that I love you and I think this child will bring us even closer. I want us to have the baby, I really do"
Sarah: Jason, its great to hear you say that.
I could feel her words and that last embrace before everything shattered and we went our separate ways. I couldn't remember much after that final blissful moment, all I could muster up was the screams and yelling before it ended.
//// Present Day \\\\
I motioned myself in front of the door, tempted to know but wanting not what I knew lie inside it. Was it because what was inside was truly who I was or who I wasn't? I did not know and nor did I have time to think upon. The door swung open and there stood Justin in all his intoxicated glory, he must have gotten an early start. As I made my way in I scanned the room and saw many familiar faces that I was sure I would never seen again. My heart sunk, I felt at home and I despise that I did, why did I not feel at home in my new life, why here and not there. I struggled with every thought as they welcomed me in. This was home, this was me.
~*Sermon to McGurk*~
All my life I struggled to find my footing, to find if I had any at all. I fell and I got back up and I fell again all for the sake of myself. I didn't know the truth, not until now do I really realize where I stand and who I am to be. McGurk I have watched you, studied you, and I understand you because I use to be you. That is why I despise you so much, your that part of me that won't leave me be, wont let me get on with my life. It eats at me and haunts my every dream and spares not any energy to consume my soul and take me back. I stand now a man redeemed of that, a man who doesn't dwell on the past but excepts it now. I sat in fear for so long of men like you and Kyzer and even Obo. I looked to God for answers when all the while all I had to do was look to myself. You see Regret and Hate can become all one knows and eventually one can fool themselves into believing that justice is for them to give. I was wrong but not in the fact of justice is to be dealt by my hand but instead for the reasoning why. I use to believe I hated all men who were vial and disgusting but I hate no more. I except that we all must exist for the other to exist and for one to change, one before him has to. It's a cycle that is now all to clear for me to see and soon McGurk you will become a part of that cycle.
With Ascension just ahead and my past coming to a point of closure, I can now see the light that eluded my every waking moment. Spending ones life in darkness and intoxicating fear will only lead to the same outcome. Failure. Amen.
