One Love
Main Eventer
We Suck
Joined on: Aug 12, 2005 10:56:52 GMT -5
Posts: 4,589
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Post by One Love on Apr 15, 2007 13:55:01 GMT -5
April 16th, 2007. The man of the hour, the next big thing, Flamez, will finaly make his debut. He is in the best shape of his life, and soon, he will be the man of the WFWF, the World Champion. Right now he may be on the bottom of the ladder, but soon he will on top of the world.
Runner passes by and runs into flamez by accident.
Runner: Sorry dude!!
Flamez: Sorry?? Sorry?? Sorry doesn't cut it PUNK!! Don't you know who I am??
Runner: Oh yeah, you're the new guy in WFWF, heard you're good.
Flamez: Good?? I'm BEYOND good. I suggest you get to tickets to FDS for April 16th, my DEBUT.
Runner: Ok, but I won't be suprised if you are gonna get your a** kicked!!
Flamez: Sure kid, keep dreaming. I will make an impact on my debut, you will see. Now go run for your fat a**. Lose some weight dude.
Flamez shoves runner a little
Runner: Whatever.
Runner starts jogging
Flamez: Haha, what a sorry loser. Now about my debut. Whoever I face, they will get injured. Whether I'm on HS or FDS, I will still kick a**. Hahahahaha. You will see, you WILL see.
The clock is ticking until the rise of a new leader, the dawn of a new era is on the verge. Who will fall to Flamez first??
Flamez: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO, THEY WILL FALL, THEY WILL BOW DOWN TO THE KING OF THE STREET, FLAMEZ!!
Only time will tell.
OCC: I know that sucked, be harsh.
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Yukio Blaze
Main Eventer
WFWF Record: 58-54-03-02
Joined on: Dec 15, 2004 21:50:34 GMT -5
Posts: 4,515
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Post by Yukio Blaze on Apr 15, 2007 17:29:12 GMT -5
Dont ever, ever challenge (or dream/talk) about gaining for the World Title right away. Hell, I've been here for little over 2 years and have yet to gain a World Title shot.
The description on this wasnt to good. You could have gone into detail more, but it was bland to me. The speech was alright, but it made you seem like a major heel, when you have yet to gain that kinda status.
This could have been better if you pm'ed me to add this on a HS show, because this seemed like something that would have been on the "tv show".
You will more than likely progress while your here and I suggest to read others rps to get inspiration. Good luck to you Flamez.
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One Love
Main Eventer
We Suck
Joined on: Aug 12, 2005 10:56:52 GMT -5
Posts: 4,589
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Post by One Love on Apr 15, 2007 17:30:10 GMT -5
Ok thanks, appreiciate it.
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Post by CBT on Apr 15, 2007 19:39:09 GMT -5
For future reference, unless you're booked, the roleplay is not a "___ RP" It is either a Debut or Character Developement Roleplay.
Also, I'm pretty sure there was a Man of the Hour who wouldn't appreciate you calling yourself that. That and the fact I once was the future of WFWF.. but that's a tit for another tat all together.
You asked me in a pm to use my likeness and I didn't permit it, this is the reason why right here. Your very untuned, not a knock, just WFWF has a lot of people who are where they need to be, but also a dozen or so it would seem that need to work to get there, and they're above you as of this reading.
Never challenge for the world title in a debut seems almost like gospel to me, I don't know if it's is in the guidelines, but it should be obvious considering the amount of people who have put time and energy over your instant request.
This is very basic, but I've seen worse. Not far worse, but worse and at least you signed up with some premise on what you need to do. My best advice would be to work with Blaze and have him book you, the WFWF can sometimes be split down the middle as far as who is above HS and who isn't ready for full-time FDS booking. You work with Blaze, and we'll soon find out if this a rose from concrete or a weed not worth giving a second look.
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Post by sonstuds on Apr 15, 2007 20:07:33 GMT -5
First, you had no setting. We have no idea where Flamez is. He could be in a pet store for all we know. Establish a setting in the beginning of the roleplay and try to write it like it'd be written in a novel and your big flaw is solved. Keep in mind, majority of that just comes with time.
As for the speech, could use improvement. The runner itself really didn't add much to the roleplay, plus he flip flops because it's convenient for the roleplay. First he's saying how he hears that Flamez is good, then his next line is about how he's gonna get his ass kicked because that's what the roleplay calls for.
Also, rarely does an entire sentence in cap lock ever come off as how the writer imagines. Instead of coming off intense, it comes off as Flamez just talking loudly. You need description to really give the speech more depth. I mean, we don't really know why Flamez is even yelling at the end.
Blaze and C basically covered everything else.
Actually, I need to disagree about them in terms of "gonna be world champ" thing. He never challenges for it, he says how he's gonna eventually hold it, and even acknowledges how right now he's at the bottom of the ladder. I don't really see how he did anything wrong there.
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Calvin
Main Eventer
visit my myspace and listen to my music
Joined on: Dec 18, 2001 15:13:21 GMT -5
Posts: 3,791
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Post by Calvin on Apr 15, 2007 23:33:56 GMT -5
Dont ever, ever challenge (or dream/talk) about gaining for the World Title right away. Hell, I've been here for little over 2 years and have yet to gain a World Title shot.Maybe that's why you've yet to win the title  come on! you held yourself way too open for that one!  Onto the rp, like everyone said. YOu need to create a setting. Tell it to us as if we were reading it out of a book. It helps to read others. Speech wasn't too great. You gotta get into depth. Explain to us what makes you so good. Why are you gonna rise the ladder. Don't just say I'll injure my first opponent....explain tous why you're making that observation. I believe everything else has been covered. |
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