Post by jesterslaugh on Apr 16, 2007 2:07:42 GMT -5
Having not slept in three days, I am running solely on caffeine. Hey its not like I don’t try to sleep, I try night after night, but the minute I close my eyes the images haunt my dreams, and I wake up and feel like crying, but the tears no longer come. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be happy, all the time all I can do is look at the people around me and feel jealous at how much better their lives are than mine. Which I why I can never figure out why I enjoy hanging out on the streets, passing smiling person after smiling person, talking on their cell phones, holding hands with somebody, laughing, giggling, enjoying the company of a friend. Today is no different, the sun is out and the people are out. I walk alone, with my hands in my pockets and my eyes sullen. I can’t help but watch them all, not feeling contempt for them and their happiness, just sadness for my own pitiful life. No I have got to stop these thoughts, I should probably find a new psychiatrist soon, my meds are running low and I’m soon going to have to resort to the dealers. I don’t notice the large man in front of me till he slams into me.
Man: Watch where you are going you freaking moron.
He is pissed and I’m the one who ended up on the ground, I have half a mind to stand up and kick his teeth down his throat, but instead I’ll just ignore him, I don’t try and stand as he snorts at me and walks away. Staring at my still bandaged hands, my mind wanders with what I’m doing with my life. This wrestling thing seems to be working out, maybe someday I’ll be able to redeem my name with it. At least I’m getting a steady paycheck now, though what I really should be doing is looking for Tod, but for all I know he is dead, but then again, he could still be out there, and with him, maybe I could fix this ****ty life of mine. Yah, with him I could prove I didn’t do anything, than again with a magic wand I could turn back time and I’d still be happy.
my life, my eyes are burning, though they have been doing that for days now, not sleeping is turning me into a flesh sack of pain, I have aches everywhere. I slowly raise me head and look up into the sky, its cloud-free and blue. Humph, some would say it was a beautiful day, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the only way I could find this day beautiful would be for black clouds to cover the sky and let torrents of rain fly from them, pelting the ground with ferocity, sending all these happy people back to their homes. Nobody is happy on a rainy day, and that’s the way I like it. I grab my pack of smokes from my pocket and pull one out and light it, letting the smoke slowly make its way to my lungs, letting that take me away from where I am. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my left thigh, I open my eyes and am staring up at a cop.
Cop: Alright buddy, time to get out of here.
I look around and realize its night out, the street lights are illuminating little patches of life here and there, a couple of people are still walking here and there, but they are a different sort of people, they are the hookers and druggies. Looking for their nightly score, looking almost as ****ty as me. The cop kicks me again, this time harder.
Cop: Are you high or something, I said get up.
I stand up slowly and realize I’ve got a bunch of change lying around me, people thought I was bum, passed out on the street. Truth be told, I’d probably think I was a bum as well if I saw myself, one more shot to my already nonexistent dignity. I stand completely and hold the wall for balance, mying legs are sore.
Cop: Alright, you all right. You look like you got hit by a car or something?
Dane: I’m fine, don’t worry about me.
Cop: You got a place to go? We could escort you to the shelter.
I start laughing before I realize what I’m doing. The cop’s eyes tell the whole story, he puts his hand on his night stick and backs up slowly.
Cop: Sir, are you on something?
I look directly at the cop, he looks like he is twelve, a baby face with brown curly hair on the top of his head. Must be right out of the academy, me looking like a cracked out crazy, he’s probably about ready to pee his pants.
Dane: No, sorry officer. I don’t know why I started laughing, I apologize. I do have someplace to go.
Cop: Good, than get out of here.
I can see in his eyes that he is still afraid of what I might do, part of me is screaming to just yell, “Boo!” and watch him run away, but I restrain myself and turn around and head for my apartment. Walking by alley after alley, seeing bums sleeping, pushers selling, and other things that I refuse to commit to memory. I reach the front door of my building, the go to put my key in, but I can see the lock has been jimmied again, and the door swings open easily. One day everybody in this place is going to get shot, slowly I head up the stairs, to my place, walking by people screaming at each other, TV’s blaring, people moaning. Sometimes the difference between the alleys and this place aren’t that extreme, it disgusts me, but I make it to number 43, I open the door to my apartment and walk in. The light will stay off, than I won’t have to look at this place. I walk slowly, when something catches my eye to my right, I turn and it’s my mirror. I slowly walk towards it, and even in this low light, what is staring back could barely be considered human. The black bags under my eyes make it appear that I got into a vicious fight, my hair is everywhere, my face is grimy, the eyes bloodshot. I put my hand on the mirror to cover up my face, and my eyes burn with a single piece of a liquid that falls to the floor. I stagger towards to window, and open it slowly.
Dane: Tonight…Is the night to end it all.
The words coming out of my mouth shock even me. My brain is burning, along with everything in my body, I slowly put one foot out my window. Images are flashing through my mind, my head is throbbing. But all this pain it ends tonight, just one more leg and I’m all done. Suddenly my mind stops on a picture of Stacy, lying on the couch in her own blood, dying slowly and Tod standing their holding the knife, my mind stays on the image not letting it pass. Making me take it all in, I pull my leg back into the window, and I slam it down, the pane shakes and dust flies everywhere.
Dane: Fine. God, I don’t know if this is your way of saying, “Don’t do it.” But if it was, than gooding job. I’ll deal with this pain, I’ll live this **** life you have given me, I’ll play my ing part. And I guess that’s what you want.
I don’t know why I’m blaming some higher power, I know that I have to fix things. I promised her that I would, and if the only way I can do that is deal with this pain, than I guess I’ll do it. For Stacy, I’d do anything. I stumble into my kitchen and turn the sink on and put my head under the faucet, letting it clear my mind. The water helps me realize one thing, if I’m going to fix things, than I’m going to need a means to do it. Money, is what I need, I get money for fighting, I get more money for winning, thus I’m going to win. I’m going to fix it all.
Fin
Man: Watch where you are going you freaking moron.
He is pissed and I’m the one who ended up on the ground, I have half a mind to stand up and kick his teeth down his throat, but instead I’ll just ignore him, I don’t try and stand as he snorts at me and walks away. Staring at my still bandaged hands, my mind wanders with what I’m doing with my life. This wrestling thing seems to be working out, maybe someday I’ll be able to redeem my name with it. At least I’m getting a steady paycheck now, though what I really should be doing is looking for Tod, but for all I know he is dead, but then again, he could still be out there, and with him, maybe I could fix this ****ty life of mine. Yah, with him I could prove I didn’t do anything, than again with a magic wand I could turn back time and I’d still be happy.
my life, my eyes are burning, though they have been doing that for days now, not sleeping is turning me into a flesh sack of pain, I have aches everywhere. I slowly raise me head and look up into the sky, its cloud-free and blue. Humph, some would say it was a beautiful day, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the only way I could find this day beautiful would be for black clouds to cover the sky and let torrents of rain fly from them, pelting the ground with ferocity, sending all these happy people back to their homes. Nobody is happy on a rainy day, and that’s the way I like it. I grab my pack of smokes from my pocket and pull one out and light it, letting the smoke slowly make its way to my lungs, letting that take me away from where I am. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my left thigh, I open my eyes and am staring up at a cop.Cop: Alright buddy, time to get out of here.
I look around and realize its night out, the street lights are illuminating little patches of life here and there, a couple of people are still walking here and there, but they are a different sort of people, they are the hookers and druggies. Looking for their nightly score, looking almost as ****ty as me. The cop kicks me again, this time harder.
Cop: Are you high or something, I said get up.
I stand up slowly and realize I’ve got a bunch of change lying around me, people thought I was bum, passed out on the street. Truth be told, I’d probably think I was a bum as well if I saw myself, one more shot to my already nonexistent dignity. I stand completely and hold the wall for balance, my
ing legs are sore.Cop: Alright, you all right. You look like you got hit by a car or something?
Dane: I’m fine, don’t worry about me.
Cop: You got a place to go? We could escort you to the shelter.
I start laughing before I realize what I’m doing. The cop’s eyes tell the whole story, he puts his hand on his night stick and backs up slowly.
Cop: Sir, are you on something?
I look directly at the cop, he looks like he is twelve, a baby face with brown curly hair on the top of his head. Must be right out of the academy, me looking like a cracked out crazy, he’s probably about ready to pee his pants.
Dane: No, sorry officer. I don’t know why I started laughing, I apologize. I do have someplace to go.
Cop: Good, than get out of here.
I can see in his eyes that he is still afraid of what I might do, part of me is screaming to just yell, “Boo!” and watch him run away, but I restrain myself and turn around and head for my apartment. Walking by alley after alley, seeing bums sleeping, pushers selling, and other things that I refuse to commit to memory. I reach the front door of my building, the go to put my key in, but I can see the lock has been jimmied again, and the door swings open easily. One day everybody in this place is going to get shot, slowly I head up the stairs, to my place, walking by people screaming at each other, TV’s blaring, people moaning. Sometimes the difference between the alleys and this place aren’t that extreme, it disgusts me, but I make it to number 43, I open the door to my apartment and walk in. The light will stay off, than I won’t have to look at this place. I walk slowly, when something catches my eye to my right, I turn and it’s my mirror. I slowly walk towards it, and even in this low light, what is staring back could barely be considered human. The black bags under my eyes make it appear that I got into a vicious fight, my hair is everywhere, my face is grimy, the eyes bloodshot. I put my hand on the mirror to cover up my face, and my eyes burn with a single piece of a liquid that falls to the floor. I stagger towards to window, and open it slowly.
Dane: Tonight…Is the night to end it all.
The words coming out of my mouth shock even me. My brain is burning, along with everything in my body, I slowly put one foot out my window. Images are flashing through my mind, my head is throbbing. But all this pain it ends tonight, just one more leg and I’m all done. Suddenly my mind stops on a picture of Stacy, lying on the couch in her own blood, dying slowly and Tod standing their holding the knife, my mind stays on the image not letting it pass. Making me take it all in, I pull my leg back into the window, and I slam it down, the pane shakes and dust flies everywhere.
Dane: Fine. God, I don’t know if this is your way of saying, “Don’t do it.” But if it was, than good
ing job. I’ll deal with this pain, I’ll live this **** life you have given me, I’ll play my ing part. And I guess that’s what you want.I don’t know why I’m blaming some higher power, I know that I have to fix things. I promised her that I would, and if the only way I can do that is deal with this pain, than I guess I’ll do it. For Stacy, I’d do anything. I stumble into my kitchen and turn the sink on and put my head under the faucet, letting it clear my mind. The water helps me realize one thing, if I’m going to fix things, than I’m going to need a means to do it. Money, is what I need, I get money for fighting, I get more money for winning, thus I’m going to win. I’m going to fix it all.
Fin
