Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 20, 2019 11:04:05 GMT -5
I now recognize that my concern last year with it taking 10 days to make a simple mod switch so that King Richius and I could get the fed back on track was overblown, as it's now been a month since I agreed to take up the reins again, and I'm still entirely incapable of doing what I do best here. I'd like to offer up a solid timetable in terms of getting the show up, but with how bombarded I am playing catch up at work right now, suffice it to say, this show's probably going in the overarching spirit of WF as a whole, in that it'll get done when it gets done and not a single second sooner. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Real life comes first. Always. I just appreciate the update. I'll go ahead and start my next RP while I have motivation. |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 19, 2019 12:48:38 GMT -5
I'm off to the doctor later today for a problem with my elbow - possibly an infection? Hopefully they don't have to amputate.  Goodluck! |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 16, 2019 13:07:54 GMT -5
I would like to apologise sincerely to @ballparkb0b and anyone else who's time I have wasted. I am aware that my RP hasn't been posted and I feel like at this late stage it probably isn't worthwhile anyway as I should already be considered a no show. As you all may have noticed I have been inactive on here for about the last 4 days due to a couple of reasons. One being that I have been very sick lately and feeling pretty sh*t mentally and physically tbh. The other being my internet, as I use mobile I have had no access to anything online since Sunday (I think). As I am so late I feel it may not be worthwhile posting at all so again I would like to say sorry to Mesh for letting ya down and also my opponent for being a no show and a complete waste of everyone's time. I don't speak for everyone, by no means, but real life always comes first. You're always welcome back once you get your life order. |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 15, 2019 19:00:40 GMT -5
Congrats everyone! 9/10 people showed up. 90% rate isn't horrible. If we had say 30 people only 3 would I show in this scenario! Keep it up guys! *wouldn't my bad |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 15, 2019 14:07:08 GMT -5
Congrats everyone! 9/10 people showed up. 90% rate isn't horrible. If we had say 30 people only 3 would I show in this scenario! Keep it up guys!
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 15, 2019 1:36:33 GMT -5
Your child is still probably screaming because everyone was worried over the Impala and not checking on her. It's a safe assumption that Sarah went to check on Laura as soon as she got off the phone with the police. I'd be more worried about what happened to Doctor Claw, who was last seen streaking around in a panic. Safe? Yes. More fun to think about? Also yes. |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 11:54:29 GMT -5
The joys of being aussie and being able to legally drink at 18 That's nothing! In Italy, the legal drinking age is 16. Do you live in Italy? Because if so, quiet you Italian drunk! |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 11:48:05 GMT -5
This was a great show. All RP's look fantastic. Don't think I missed reading anyone's, if I did speak up or forever hold your peace as I go back to work tomorrow.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 11:45:12 GMT -5
Holy sh*t. This was amazing. There was one little thing sometime after the whole Impala stolen scene I was going to comment on but I kind of can't remember because there was so much more left. Frank is a heel in this match. Frank is fine with that. Frank is going to rewrite the history book to be in his favor. Atleast that's what I got from reading this and I mean, holy sh*t. It was good.
Do I really have to say anything else? Impala is gone. You really hate Thunder. Daphne is a great manager. Your child is still probably screaming because everyone was worried over the Impala and not checking on her. It's all good.
The sad thing? I dreaded reading this because it was long and I woke up today like "Damn, it's my day off, I got to do this and that around the house, last thing I wanna do is read all of these long RP's" and it seemed like yours was the longest I read today, and I just didn't want to read it.
I am so glad I read it and never will I ever again complain to myself about reading RP's unless it's mine from 2012-2013.
Goodluck. This is turning to be a fantastic matchup.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 11:15:17 GMT -5
You're a genius. You got a pop from me not just for the song, but the whole deal. You referenced the last shows and what Johnny has done, you took the critique you got in your last RP and told them to f**k off. You explained how you wanted to push Mason, so you have motive. This was great as far as monologues go. I really enjoyed reading it. It was fun, and you're still keeping with the 'Like oh my god I'm a spoilt American brat that gets anything she wants like yesssss' gimmick even when rushed and rewriting a RP.
It was fun, an it was good. Goodluck!
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 11:07:26 GMT -5
Let me start with the bad, then build you up with everything that's good. Dialogue is still an issue, which is fine, I think everyone here minus like 3-4 people struggle with it. Just make it flow better, I honestly have the conversation out loud to my self when I write it, if it comes off smooth I keep it. If it sounds kind of choppy, I say it differently until I get what I'm looking for or close to what I'm looking for. You're still kind of jumping. It's not all over the place like Mesh said, but it's still a lot. One example being the McDonald's scene. It was going fine until the ice cream bit, where it jumped from Bryce getting a gleam in his eye still at the table, to them already back at the table. Small things like "Bryce gets a gleam in his eye as he nods aggressively. He pulls himself out of the booth so fast and practically sprints to the counter, leaving his mom in the dust." Also, even though this was still fine and it got the job done, there are little things you could've done to make Cathy more hated by the readers. Whenever there's an antagonist, and you're the protagonist, the more hatred you can get for the antagonist the more rooting you'll get in your RP. I'm probably not making any sense, but in your world as Johnny Mason, even though you have antagonist in WFWF that you face, in you're 'real life' Mason you'll have the same too. I would've had Cathy tell Mason to give her the money for the ice cream, planting the hatred early, and keeping it rolling. I spent way to long on this, because this was still good in your RP. I'm feeling long winded I guess. The good. You took the advice everyone gave you last show. It shows a lot of promise. If you can keep it up with taking the advice and implementing each show, you're going to be a great RP writer by the end of the year. Your foreshadowing was great, I loved the subtle hints. Sorry to Mesh but I also loved the hospital scene, where he looks up and sees Daisies. That was golden. Your scenes weren't bad, needed a little more but the descriptions weren't bad. The focus was there. The drive is there. You just need to harness it and take the advice you get. This was, again, much better than your first one. You've improved by 50% more of where you were at last. This is good, even if it sounded like I was harping on you, it's good. Nice job Mason! I'll try and focus in on My dialogue next rp and try and transition into the next scene more smoothly Thank you for the feedback it really helps Dialogue will always be tricky. Like I said, there's only like 3-4 people here who can do it great. I not being one of them. You're doing great man. Can't wait to see where you go from here, and I can't wait to see where Mason goes from here. |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 11:05:37 GMT -5
Alright, Mr. Stone, let's get to it.
I like this RP. For what it is and for what you were going through, it's fine. Never took Cameron to be a cigar smoker though, I picture him as a Tom Selleck guy now, a cigar in one hand and a drink in the other.
I'm with Rich in wishing it was more fleshed out, but I understand why it wasn't. I'll also say something that wasn't said, you came off so strong in your promo at Stay Gold, how you're were waiting for a challenge and such, but this was complete opposite. It was 'I'm here to have fun and nothing more' compared to 'I want a challenge to show I still got it' but again, if the game of life was going your way in this writing period I'm sure we would've gotten more of a deeper look and a more fleshed out RP.
Your monologue was great! You haven't missed a beat. I liked this for what it was, and you did a good job in writing it.
May the best man win, and nothing but the best of luck to you in real life. I hope everything smooths out.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 10:57:11 GMT -5
Let me start with the bad, then build you up with everything that's good.
Dialogue is still an issue, which is fine, I think everyone here minus like 3-4 people struggle with it. Just make it flow better, I honestly have the conversation out loud to my self when I write it, if it comes off smooth I keep it. If it sounds kind of choppy, I say it differently until I get what I'm looking for or close to what I'm looking for.
You're still kind of jumping. It's not all over the place like Mesh said, but it's still a lot. One example being the McDonald's scene. It was going fine until the ice cream bit, where it jumped from Bryce getting a gleam in his eye still at the table, to them already back at the table. Small things like "Bryce gets a gleam in his eye as he nods aggressively. He pulls himself out of the booth so fast and practically sprints to the counter, leaving his mom in the dust."
Also, even though this was still fine and it got the job done, there are little things you could've done to make Cathy more hated by the readers. Whenever there's an antagonist, and you're the protagonist, the more hatred you can get for the antagonist the more rooting you'll get in your RP. I'm probably not making any sense, but in your world as Johnny Mason, even though you have antagonist in WFWF that you face, in you're 'real life' Mason you'll have the same too. I would've had Cathy tell Mason to give her the money for the ice cream, planting the hatred early, and keeping it rolling. I spent way to long on this, because this was still good in your RP. I'm feeling long winded I guess.
The good. You took the advice everyone gave you last show. It shows a lot of promise. If you can keep it up with taking the advice and implementing each show, you're going to be a great RP writer by the end of the year. Your foreshadowing was great, I loved the subtle hints. Sorry to Mesh but I also loved the hospital scene, where he looks up and sees Daisies. That was golden.
Your scenes weren't bad, needed a little more but the descriptions weren't bad. The focus was there. The drive is there. You just need to harness it and take the advice you get.
This was, again, much better than your first one. You've improved by 50% more of where you were at last. This is good, even if it sounded like I was harping on you, it's good. Nice job Mason!
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 14, 2019 10:39:54 GMT -5
I agree with Rich, a lot. It wasn't as great as the last Billy RP, but it was still pretty damn good.
You have a way of describing things really, really good. I'm on the app so I can't scroll back up to give an example but believe me, some of your descriptions are just fantastic, something I for one strive for. Your dialogue was great, one thing I might add, whenever what's his face from WFWF showed up to the door and Billy asked to use his phone, he should've been happy and eager. I assume the man at the door makes significantly less than Billy Broom, and his job must not be too important to be sent away from his desk to someone's home, so the fame factor should've had him throwing his phone at him right when he asked. Not "uhm, sure, whatever" type deal he did. But that's just one small thing regarding dialogue.
I enjoyed it. The last one was better, but that doesn't mean this isn't great, because it is great.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 13, 2019 18:00:18 GMT -5
I hate to copy everyone else, but yeah. Mesh hit it on the head really. I like the questioning Wolf has, and wonder if he will be made an example of for always questioning the Father. Perhaps the judge deems him impure, since there seems to be so much tension.
I was immersed in it. The bar scene, though reading it seemed kind of necessary to get from one point to the next, wasn't done the absolute best. Not to say it wasn't good, I wouldn't have done better, but reading it I just, I don't know. I wonder when the real world catches up.
I can't wait to see what happens next.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 13, 2019 12:39:34 GMT -5
I've never read a Thunder RP, atleast I don't think so. This was nice. Good job.
Ah who am I kidding? It was pretty great. Before going into all that I liked, I want to say the only thing that distracted me (which, I'm on mobile so if the format is crazy I can't even see it) is the mis-steps. Not misspells per sé, but just leaving out an "I" or an "is" in sentences one too many times. It kept making me get out of this immersive story to think about it and fix it in my head.
But this piece, story wise, was fantastic. One could argue, you wanted redemption from your retirement, and this is it. One could argue you wanted redemption for the tag titles, and this is it. You get where I'm going. It's nice to see all of this tied up in a pretty bow to face Frank. I love the book idea, I love the ego, I love the Shawn Malakai stuff. I know that Rich said it was too much Shawn, but something that he's forgetting is Thunder just learned of Frank, what in February, right? Of course Shawn is the focus. You proved him right, but even if so I'm assuming Thunder knows he'd be proud of him. It's like getting his approval through Aaron.
I enjoyed it. I loved it. Welcome back, Thunder.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 13, 2019 2:31:40 GMT -5
Whatever happens, maybe we can do another one in future when we're both at 100%> good luck dude Definitely need to do one again in the future. Like I told you, I think honestly we're closer in skill than we originally thought. |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 13, 2019 2:30:21 GMT -5
I'll reply to RP's tomorrow after fixing vehicles and such. Sorry for not responding to anyone yet. But come tomorrow I'll read them all.
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 13, 2019 2:12:41 GMT -5
You're 19? That's crazy. By the time you're 21, you'll be happily drinking anything you want and you'll be one of the best writers around. Probably. I assume atleast. The joys of being aussie and being able to legally drink at 18 I don't wanna hear it you drunk. |
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Devilkiller
Main Eventer
WFWF. Go see about it.
Joined on: Mar 17, 2012 16:49:19 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
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Post by Devilkiller on Aug 13, 2019 1:20:14 GMT -5
I drink a lot when I write as well. A lot of water. I didn't even drink a lot. Being on epilepsy medicine means I can only drink 2-3 at most. I just drink after the hard days at work. |
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