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Post by Drakz on Sept 17, 2022 4:21:16 GMT -5
Really great stuff man.
I'm still in my infancy as far as exposure to the DGX character. We've just never been around at the same time really, so getting to read your RPs now is a real treat.
The whole pushing of the Caesar thing is hilarious, and like E I'm curious to see if he finally just goes with it for the sake of an easy life?
The retrospective monologues were exactly what they needed to be. You informed the reader (notably, me) about D's former tribulations in XWA without it reading like a list of accomplishments that mean nothing to me. I didn't know who Rose or Vestal were, but you kept those sections succinct enough and well written enough that I enjoyed reading about them, even with no prior knowledge of events. To then see what D learned from each of those events and how that informs this current version of himself was lovely stuff.
I don't know if it's a tone you've always had when RPing in this style, but D's voice in his monologues fits very well with the "sovereign " gimmick. There's a nobility and eloquence to his verbiage that just clicks.
I loved hearing the reasoning as to why D put himself at number 1 in the rumble as well. Very good stuff. It all makes sense, and his picking apart of how to win a match of this type was great as well.
Some of my favourite lines:
"A ruler or owner of a place, kind of like a landlord but posher."
"You’ll notice I didn’t say “down to” his level. I’m wiser than that now."
"I don’t go through just anybody to achieve my ends, tonight I go through everybody."
Also I thoroughly enjoyed that entire section ripping apart Alex as well. For D to see what his former running partner has become is going to make for an interesting dynamic when/if their paths cross in the ring.
Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this btw.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 17, 2022 3:44:50 GMT -5
Oh and this part was absolute chef's kiss:
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Post by Drakz on Sept 17, 2022 3:42:05 GMT -5
Interested to see who that opening narration turns out to be.
I liked seeing the build up to Fireball-gate, that was a nice way to explore Trace's psyche, and I liked the idea of the countdown, though the timing of it seemed a bit jilted? Like the amount of things that happened between each reminder of the time remaining didn't fit with the time passed. Sorry, that was a really bad way of explaining what I mean. I'm hoping you can decode it enough to understand what I'm trying to say lol.
Eddie Myers is a great foil for Trace for the simple fact that he's not REALLY a foil for him. He just wants to make money, and is greasy enough to let Trace be Trace if it benefits his wallet. The fact he's annoying and Trace doesn't like him is enough to keep an interesting dynamic between the two though.
The juxtaposition (intended or not) between the fireball countdown, and the now ticking countdown on Trace's own health was cool, and knowing that there's an impetus for Trace to fast track things makes him more dangerous than usual.
One thing I did come away from this RP thinking though is that I feel like I've been reading the same version of Trace for a long time now. He doesn't seem to have changed much as a character in recent years. He's got this health issue now, as well as his recent loss to DGX, his destruction at the hands of his own apprentice, and just the fact he's been in the upper mid-card (as opposed to the main event picture) for a while, and yet he still acts as though he's the big bad. I appreciate that this could be easily explained away with ego/denial/lack of self awareness, but I'd love to see you explore some self doubt and vulnerability with the character. You're a great writer, we all know that, but I feel as though you've been playing it safe for quite a while, and that's a disservice to you because I know you can push the boundaries of what we've come to expect if you so choose.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 11, 2022 5:27:44 GMT -5
Great to see you back in fold Veronicah.
You have a command over your cast of characters that no one else in the history of this place has ever come close to. I guess that's partly down to the fact that most of them have been active competitors here under your command at different points in time, but combined with your understanding of them all it allows for a very rich and intertwined world that never feels forced.
I don't have much to say on the technical writing side of things because as E said, you have your own voice and it never waivers. Your able to convey both serious sentiment and goofy, teenage like whimsy with equal ease. What I will say is that I wasn't big on the whole supernatural side of the RP, but that's just me. I just find all that stuff a bit hokey and hard to enjoy, but that's a personal preference rather than a slight on the quality of the work itself.
I'll also say it's great to see a tag team ready and waiting to go. Now we need some more to be able to actually face the DOK.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 7:27:35 GMT -5
Also adding then removing something from an RP for mystery's sake (if that's what's happened) is meta and cool as f*ck
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 7:26:57 GMT -5
I'm in the same boat as Al and E in that I would have liked some description to go along with the monologue. I like the setting of the vlog, as it fits so well with what we know about Mesh, and where she comes from before wrestling, so I know the description would be limited to her sat in a room, but that said I'd like to know more about her body language, her surroundings etc.
Whilst "show don't tell" is generally the way to go with writing, I do like that with everything happening away from the RP it gives a sense of ambiguity. Like E said, I don't know how much of what Mesh is telling us is real, and I dig that.
She's torn, and she's suffering. That can make for a great heel or a great face, so which ever way you go from here will be very interesting indeed.
I said this on Mason's RP as well, but I'd like to repeat it here: it's been a real pleasure seeing you and Mason feud and build a story yourselves. It's been exciting "on screen" and has helped the pair of you as writers as well, which is just great to see.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 7:03:34 GMT -5
Great stuff mate. I'll echo everyone else's sentiments that I'm so glad you've stuck with us, especially after our down time. You consistently sign up for cards and you take on board the feedback you get, and it's reflected in your writing. This feud with Mesh has been awesome, and I'm really pleased you've both gotten your teeth stuck into it.
I don't have much to add beyond what E and Al have said, but I will reiterate that Johnny's face turn has been organic, and not forced. I like that Mason himself is questioning it, not knowing wether he's comfortable with it yet or not. It makes sense.
Knowing all of this and then being given the Ava scene was brilliant as well, because even though it may not have fit into the story with Mesh, I think it works well with the larger story of Mason trying to overcome his demons, and be a better person, only for the rug to be pulled from under him: Mesh not accepting the handshakes, attacking him etc, and now this.
Also I laughed out loud at this line:
'She doesn’t hesitate to get up from her chair, as Tyson’s towel drops, and she leans over his bulbous bulge of a stomach to start making out with him.'
Amazing.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 5:07:48 GMT -5
Like with E's RP, I read this about a week ago, but just haven't had time to formulate a response. I'm also gonna keep this short because there's a lot of RPs I haven't read yet.
So, this was an RP of two halves for me. I liked the note (particularly the way you presented it), I really liked the Diedre interview, your monologues are always really solid and I thought seeing things from Drake's perspective at the end was great, and could open up a whole new side of Josh's story. Very interested to see where you go with that down the line.
On the flip side I've never really enjoyed the Remke scenes (as I've told you in the past), they just always come across as too neat and tidy. There never seems to be any sense of risk to them. It's just 2 guys facilitating a conversation, which is fine, but not that exciting or integral to the greater story. I also didn't care for the rapping scene. Everything around the music side of it was basically a great monologue, but I've personally never enjoyed music/lyrics//poems/whatever in RPs, and based on what I've read over my time here, it's impossible for it not to come off as cheesy. Literally no one has ever convinced me otherwise, so that's not so much on you as it is on me I guess?
Overall I think you told a nice story though, however I'll echo what I said about your last RP: I wanted a more heel version of Josh. Granted this was edging more towards that, but I think by this stage, after what Josh has endured with Drakz and now being overlooked even after he's become champ, I'd like to see a much more clear cut change in manner.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 10, 2022 4:56:48 GMT -5
Okay, so I read this a week ago, but I've been so distracted and busy that I couldn't reply to it.
I'm gonna keep it short and sweet.
This was hilariously entertaining whilst also giving us a further insight into E's psyche. He's trying to be a better man. He's trying to tow the company line. He's trying to become champion. All of which are seemingly counter productive to each other. His realisation that Josh is going to batter him was great, and not something we often see in people's RPs tbh, which I appreciated.
Now, on the other hand, I think this got away from itself. Like Al said, if this were a short story, consumed in that manner it would have been fine, but as an RP in an e-fed, this was too long for me. I read it all in one sitting and whilst it never became a chore (which is testament to your ability as a writer) I did find myself wishing things would move along a bit faster. I think you could have cut out a couple of the scenes of hijinx throughout the night and it wouldn't have suffered. In fact I'd argue it would have benefitted from it.
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Post by Drakz on Sept 3, 2022 6:42:57 GMT -5
First of all, f*ck you for making me read that much on my computer screen.
Second of all, I'll construct a proper reply later on.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 23, 2022 15:52:52 GMT -5
This was good stuff. Shuggy having another go at the dancing was funny stuff, but obviously the real meat was in him talking to Joe. It was good seeing what Trace's actions brought out in Shuggy, and I think the way you spoke about Karate Steve reflected that. The fact that Shugs was no longer up for fun and games with Steve made sense in the context of both characters.
What I will say though, is that this RP actually made me more excited about the possibility of a Joe Bishop return to face Trace Demon than anything else.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 23, 2022 15:41:55 GMT -5
One thing I'd like to see a bit of from you is a more in depth dive into either your description or your dialogue. At the moment both are quite thin on the ground. We just kind of alternate between single lines of each, and as such it kind of reads like a list.
It works in some regards, particularly when we were flitting from one setting to the next. The choppy nature of the short sentences etc paired well with the fact that one minute we were in a corridor, then the ring, then the bedroom. But that could maybe have been made even more effective if the whole RP wasn't written in that same style.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 23, 2022 15:34:43 GMT -5
That font made this really difficult to read. Maybe that's just me?
I liked this, but it felt like the introduction to a larger piece, rather than the complete piece itself.
Dunno what else to say really.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 23, 2022 15:29:06 GMT -5
Very cool.
Just nice as a window into where Schneider is at, where his head is at, and where he's been. Nice to see Perce still around as well, reluctantly or otherwise.
I would have liked more, because of course I would, but for what it was I enjoyed it. I liked the pronoun slip ups, it helped make Phil seem more like a real person. My boss' eldest transitioned a couple of years back, and for the first 6 months or so he kept doing the same.
Couple of my favourite bits:
"I won a World title and all I did was stab people with skewers and needles and throw people on boards covered in dog poop and stuff."
Just lol.
And that little bit right at the end, felt as much about the writer as it did the character. I particularly liked:
"it really only means something to the type of people that it means something to and if those people don't care, well, perspective is subjective, right?"
That could apply to basically anyone's accolades in this weird place.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 22, 2022 10:37:18 GMT -5
I will read this once you've resized the banner(?) that's making me scroll left and right, and not a moment before.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 16, 2022 13:25:07 GMT -5
Cripes.
Another banger. I still think you're putting too much effort into these results though lol
Those photos of the WFWF roster during the Cheers intro was fantastic.
The entirety of the Chaemo rewind was hilarious. In fact all of the rewind stuff has been great because of how much you've taken the p*ss out of certain things, 8 feet touching the floor at the same time? Cahm ahn.
I've got a load of my favourite lines, but as I couldn't pick one, I'll also nominate the whole DGX segment as well. F*cking ridiculous. Wein is the perfect straight man for that as well. In fact Wein made me laugh the most I think.
So, favourite lines:
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Post by Drakz on Aug 5, 2022 1:21:39 GMT -5
I am a HUGE offender of this. I love reading the responses I get on my rp and I feel like almost everybody here has helped me in some way. The reason is, as you pointed out, I just feel there is no advice I could give anybody so I just like the rp. I always read every rp posted anyway, so I’ll try my best to come up with something to comment starting now. It's good to know you're reading all the RPs, as like Alex said I think it's a great way to improve your own writing. It definitely helped me a lot. And don't worry about not feeling like you have anything to add on a critical level mate. Just say what you enjoyed, and maybe what you didn't. That's honestly enough.
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Post by Drakz on Aug 2, 2022 14:02:24 GMT -5
That Hadouken video description was outstanding
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Post by Drakz on Jul 30, 2022 4:46:51 GMT -5
As ever this was a really well written piece, and you continue to be hands down the best writer I've ever read here at seamlessly transitioning between past and present day events, without it coming off as jarring, or having to spell it out with a new chapter title or something. I've always enjoyed that flow to your work.
It was nice that you got to tie up your Kris Kash story as that was something you'd built as a main part of Josh's before our hiatus, and it really worked by way of comparison of Kash with Bobbi, giving Josh food for thought about his relationships with owners of the WFWF.
The stuff with Wayne was good as it stayed relevant to the fed and its characters. Something that in the past I've chastised you for is my not being invested/interested in some of the wider Josh Dean universe stuff, but this was all tied neatly enough into the on screen Josh Dean story to keep me hooked in.
I guess my only real qualm, and it's maybe something that will only apply to me anyway, is that this read as a very clean cut babyface RP. Under usual circumstances that wouldn't be an issue, but given that the whole Dean/Drakz angle was about us blurring those lines completely, and Josh's win even getting booed (which to your credit you did mention here), I feel we didn't really see much off the back of that. Josh just seems to be the same old Josh. Again, this is probably something that will only irk me and no one else, but I'd have liked to have seen a continuation of Josh Dean straying from his previous path. Fingers crossed we get more of that down the line.
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Post by Drakz on Jul 29, 2022 8:42:09 GMT -5
This was brutal.
Anxiety riddled, then cringey and watch through your fingers embarrassing, followed by pathetic and finally depressing. What a grim rollercoaster that just kept going down.
I loved it.
Alex is a very interesting character right now, and one we've probably never seen before. Has anyone ever run with a character so entirely unsure of themselves?
He honestly sounds like he needs a hug.
My favourite section was the Q&A just for how chef's kiss every supporting character and their questions were. You took so many past fed things and worked them in there in a way that only served to make Alex look worse in their eyes, and it was f*cking hilarious. That entire Obo bit was particularly brilliant for all the reasons you knew it was when you were writing it.
I love how Alex also, in spite of his crushing self awareness, is very lacking in that same department. One moment seeing himself as a broken down has been, and the next not able to read the room at all.
Here's my favourite lines:
"He felt for a moment all that remained of him was scar tissue."
"Total A-Pod-calypse"
"Behind the shape of the word was the picture of a blue-haired woman's face. Sean figured it must be a band of some kind."
"I was just um... wondering... how you felt about um... coming back fat and gay with homeless EBR a few years back?"
"_Most Assuredly Has Had a Great Many Things Explained to Her Unprompted Today_"
"She nods in a very "has watched too much anime" kind of way"
"He peers at the crowd, their eyes opened wide staring in what must be awe at how diplomatic and gracious he is being."
Quite a few of those made me actually laugh out loud.
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